Feeling self-concious about being a younger mum - anyone else?

[AKMD]

I married DH at 20 (he is 3 years older than me) and DS was born when I was 22. Two years on, he's a great little boy but I find myself feeling more and more self concious about being a younger mum. I've had quite a few comments along the lines of 'oh, you're very young to have a toddler aren't you?' and read so many snide comments about younger mums not having a clue what they're doing that in certain situations I actually feel embarrassed when I'm out on my own with DS. I know I shouldn't focus on what other people think but I get very stressed out about stupid things like BIL buying DS Nike trainers and the way that DS behaves in public, more so than I do when I'm with people who know us fairly well. Does anyone else feel like this? How can I grow a thicker skin?

I know what you mean - I had DD aged 23 - first of any of my 'circle'. She's 7 now - and I miss being conspicuously young now! I agree with posters upthread that there is a large amount of envy and prejudice in any snide comments you might get - and very little substance. I found it helpful to dress semi-formal for things like doctors appointments. The funniest thing is that people often find my speaking voice quite 'posh' - used to do a bit of a double take - as though they expected me to have a very 'common' accent based on the fact that I was behind a buggy!

I agree with Stranded.
The one question I always get asked:
'Are you still with the father?'
'Yes'
'Wow, well done'

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe I've had an older woman say pretty much exactly the same thing to me! And another ask if I know who her father is! Just stood there open-mouthed, I was too shocked to think of a scathing reply!

I've had 'Oh, no (wedding) ring I see,' and a rather chaming 'You'll never get another man now. You're used goods.'

I know how you feel, I'm 23, have a 4yo ds, 3yo dd and third and final on the way.

People are shocked when they rudely ask and discover dp is the dad of all 3 and we've been together almost 7yrs. Were very happy and dp worked very hard to get our first home for us, he is signed off sick atm due to horrendous joint problems and I'm too anxious to pop to tesco or something together in 'work' hours as we overheard someone saying "another teen family living off our taxes then" eerm nope, he's worked full time from 16, had pt work from age 12, he's 25 and would love to be working but he can't and its making him depressed.

My lovely midwife couldn't even disguise her shock when I told her dd bf for 12mnths and I planned to do it again, and also said I'm the first under 25 she's dealt with who's settled with a dp who's the father to all my dcs, but were in an awful area tbf.

I'm too nervous to go to groups now as I'm always too young, or too old for the teen mums. I'd love some good friends who just saw me as a mum, an equal.

It seems it doesn't pay to be a normal young parent. Were judged for being young, which we can't change and actually I think I do an alright job!

This is why I love mumsnet. I can have a conversation with someone who's 17 or 70 and it matters not.

I have 3 boys (11, 6, 22mths) i am 29.
I never allowed it to bother me i attended NCT, playgroups, Breastfeeding group. I was always the youngest mum at everything.
I found it hard because all my friends were not in the same situation and not always understanding of why i couldn't go out with them every Friday night. Now hoever teh boot is on the other foot they are all terrified first time mums and are never off the phone for advice.
The biggest leveller for age or social status/class is having a baby.

Oh I forgot my favourite comment, when I was out with 16mo ds and newborn dd,

"No wedding ring"
"Not yet"
"Engaged..."
"Yep"
"Y'know being engaged means nothing, he can still run off and leave you with those poor we mites, they deserve better"

I ended up crying in the mothercare feeding room.

I've been really surprised by what people view as a young mum. I was 25 and married when DS was born, 13 months ago, but I was 24 for most of the pregnancy. The MWs were particularly bad. When I booked in they said (without checking at all) "have you let your benefits advisor know you're pregnant" and followed up in the next breath with "we run courses for after the birth on how to access further education, make sure you sign up now".

DH was 33 at the time and a teacher. I was a medical student, and that was my second degree. I already had a BA.

I just sat there stunned. I couldn't work out why anyone would think that at 24 I must have jacked in my education after school to be pregnant.

DC2 will be born when I'm 26, I don't think this should be a problem, but I've already had a few surprised "two already at 26" comments, with cat's bum mouths.

Fortunately when we see DH's friends and family (all French) they don't consider me young at all, which is surprising as I think average maternal age is pretty close to the UK's.

Dh and I were 22 when dd1 was born. We'd just finished uni and there were lots of big changes all at once, but I loved every minute of it! Ds1 was born when I was 26 & dd2 came along when I was 30.

I made lots of wonderful friends when dd1 was born and have always been happy to be the baby of the group (by around 3 -5 yrs). Turning 30 last year didn't feel so scary as my 'toddler group friends) were already past this milestone!

Dd1 also loves to tell her friends I'm only 31 as most of the mums are late 30s and 40s and she's proud to have a younger mum!!

Me too - can I join the club?!
I had my first at 20 and my second at 23 yrs old. I was married and they were both very much wanted.

My eldest is now 11 years old and even all this time later I still get funny looks and comments. I do look young for my age which I think makes it even more difficult...I know I should embrace it but it really pisses me off and actually I find other people's reactions embarassing. We've just moved to a well-off area and it's even worse now. Most of the parents are 10-20 years older and one mother that I have spoken to thought I was the nanny! Another thought I worked at the school.

My girls' friends all comment too but fortunately it is much more flattering and my girls love it.

I'm glad I'm a young mum, there's a lot to be said for it....it's just other people's reactions can make me feel shit sometimes.

Amazing. I always thought of young mums as being in the 14-18 age group! Certainly not 26! (not that it's old but I'd have thought...average)

I had my first at 27. I felt way more than ready, I was ready at 22 but we just held out a while. Yes, I've been with the dad a long long time! I did feel more secure when pram pushing out and about when a few months later I had a ring on my finger!

It's crazy. Just 40 years ago to have a baby at 18-19 was completely normal and natural, I wonder what changed perceptions.

I was 22 when I had my first DC and I remember the sonographer at my scan saying 'We're going to be checking for any abnormalities so if there's a problem, you might have some big decisions to make, this is really grown up stuff' How fucking patronising.

Lol @ biology teacher! I got pregnant at 16 and my primary school teacher was at my antenatal classes with me She'd been my teacher just 4 years previously! I didn't care and neither did she, we laughed about it in fact, but my poor mother (who came with me) never recovered from the embarrassment

I don't remember getting any negative comments when I was younger but I do now when people realise I have a 16yr old. I went on to have DD when I was 21 and recently one of her friends said some awful things about me to her, real pearls such as 'your mum must've ruined her life having you so young'. DD was so upset :( and I was really hurt on her behalf because I feel I've let her down.

DS doesn't mind the fact that I'm only 17 years older than him, except when his mates tell him I'm 'well fit' the mortification is equally as bad for us both I can assure you!

Picnic Please tell me you said something cutting and place-putting... not that I can think of anything

I was only talking to my DH about this over the weekend! He thought I was being weird and over thinking things. And I'm not sure why I should feel bothered, but I do.

I was 25 (and married) when DD was born. But I do look younger, I'm now 29 & I still get asked for ID most of the time in Tesco if I'm buying alcohol! MWs in the delivery suite kept referring to me as 'the young girl' while I was in labour (They weren't that old themselves!) I would say I am one of the youngest mums at toddler/ballet/music groups that DD goes to & mostly the only mum with just one DC. I always feel a bit like my opinion/experiences aren't valid. Probably complately irrational, but I do feel awkward & as a result took me the best part of 2 years to make any 'mummy friends'!

I remember feeling really self conscious when DD was a newborn & I had her in the pram when I went shopping (in my head I still felt about 17), I can totally sympathise with the poster who said they felt more secure when they got their wedding ring back on. I've lost alot of weight now though & can't wear it again but I feel more confident now I'm not wheeling around a tiny baby! I think the fact that I feel like this says more about me & my insecurities than anything else though.

Here its the other way round and I think that is why I hate to be an older mum here. I have a friend who was asked if they were grandma even they were the mum as its rare. Also know a couple of older mums that are older than a lots of the nans here. I have a few friends in late 20s who are panicy as they feel like they are getting left behind/leaving it too late as most peopel have got a couple of kids already. It all depends on where you are

Imp, I wish I had, but I was so that I just said nothing. I just got cross afterwards. When I had my scan for DC2 at age 27, I was somewhere between hoping I got the same woman again so I could be rude to her, and thinking 'If I get her again, I'm demanding that someone else scans me.' Neither of those are very grown up either

I think I must have mummed up my wardrobe subconsciously because the older I've got the less people have noticed that I was young when I had DD.

You do get some nobbish comments when people realise (I've said this before - but at my signing in with MW she said if she was my mum she'd be disappointed in me!!) - but I've never found this with the other parents at DDs pre-school for eg, everyone is really friendly and chatty. Age just never comes up.

So hang in there!

Tell me about it!

I am 24 now, had my first at 21 (she died), 2nd at 22. I used to get spoken down to a lot, had similar experiences to ImpYCelynAndTheIvy with midwives and HV in the early days. I breastfeed my 2 and a half year old, and live in an area with a

The thing is, it's not in any way unusual to have kids in your early 20s, but the fact is a lot of older mums do make assumptions about you, especially if you happen to look a bit younger than you are.

I think some people think the only option if you are intelligent is to delay having babies until mid to late 30s. I never wanted that. I have longed for children since I was about 20, and it was a big deal to put it off so long! Now my DS is here it is wonderful, but I do think some of my friends with impressive careers think I was mad to start a family now. However, I see loads of mums in their early 40s at toddler groups and think, bloody hell, how do you cope!! I'm knackered enough in my mid-20s!

So sorry MountainDew

i get a feeling like that sometimes when I'm at work- I'm a doctor, and 30, but prob look early 20s (unless it's been a really awful day!) and when patients say 'oh, you look too young to be a doctor', if i'm feeling a little low or underconfident for some reason, what i hear is 'oh god you can't possibly be a good doctor- i want an older better one' which, i think comes much more from me than from then.

Sometimes in the past i've been really grumpy with people and snapped back with something like 'well, i'm 30, with a toddler and a mortgage, so i'm probably old enough...' which just leaves everyone a bit unhappier! I've had much better experiences if i laugh along with them saying 'i know, and when even I think the policemen look young, we're all in trouble!!" which keeps them guessing then too!

I believe that what you see in other people is a reflection of yourself sometimes- a few years ago I made a concerted effort to always say something nice about someone before I then slagged them off said anything bad so rather than saying 'i think he's really rude' I'd say 'I'm sure he didn't mean to come across in that way, but that sounded really rude' and it really did make me see nicer things in people!!

so (stopping whittering on about me) what i'm trying to say is try and say it back to them in a positive way when you get a negative-ish comment:

them:'oh, you're young to be a mum'
you: 'thanks, I know i'm really lucky to have such a great family already'
or
you: 'thanks, having such fun kids really keeps you on your toes'
or
you:'thanks, isn't it funny what people's perceptions of a young mum have become big grin'

that way you'll start feeling less threatened by them and remind yourself how good things are.... and eventually when people watch you walk down the street, instead of worrying that they think you're too young, you'll be proud that they've noticed how well behaved/ intelligent/ observant/ kind your kids are!

Best of luck!

Didn't realise that was so long. sorry.

also sorry for your loss, mountain dew

Has anyone seen that rude cow on the Mumsnet Facebook update about this thread? And that is the prejudice you have to fight as a young mum. Honestly, what a brainless idiot.

Wow, I'm jealous of all you younger mums - I've just had my first baby at 31. I bet a lot of these comments you have had stem from jealousy - it's easy to feel that the years slip quickly by when you have children, so you have stolen a march on lots of people.

In response to the OP's feelings of being stressed/feeling she doesn't know what to do in certain situations, don't compare yourself to other (perhaps older) mothers who might give the impression of knowing more/being more confident. They've probably had around 10 years more life experience than you, meaning they're more practiced at bluffing it in all situations. It doesn't mean that you can't be the expert in some areas, especially if you've been a mother for longer.

And the Nike trainers...fuck it, they'll look super cute on your little boy, who cares what other people think.

PS I'm shocked on a lot of your behalves re snidey benefits / teen parent comments