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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

I need help please

54 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 09:00

I have also posted in mental health as I have MH issues.

Two of my children are out of control and I need help. Where do I go to ask for it please as I am that close to walking away tbh.

OP posts:

TopazMortmain · 23/11/2011 09:05

I am sorry things are so tough. I have no children (pregnant) but what is the problem? How are they out of control?

Hopefully someone with lots of experience will come along soon.

SoupDragon · 23/11/2011 09:05

I would imagine GP or HV. Or do you have children's centre locally?

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 11:03

The HV is no longer at the doctors surgery but I could ring and ask them where she is. When I needed help before she made it clear it wasn't her responsibility once they were at school though so not sure she could help. I would have to google childrens centre as I have no idea. I know we are sadly lacking in facilities where we live but I will look. Thank you.

I have done a terrible job so they are not doing as they are told, mean to each other all the time, rude to DH and I and ds1 is threatening to run away and last night sat by an open window. He needs help .

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TopazMortmain · 23/11/2011 11:33

How old are they?

SoupDragon · 23/11/2011 11:38

CAHMS?

You aren't doing a terrible job. Mine don't do as they are told, are mean to each other and rude to me. I must be doing a terrible job too. I also think it is a rite of passage to at leas threaten to run away at some point in your childhood.

My three make me want to weep regularly.

wifey6 · 23/11/2011 12:15

Fab....my sister is in the same circumstances with her children. Have you been to the school...just to check there are no problems there...bullying..struggling with work & just to see how their overall behaviour is when they are there? Have you sat down & asked them why they behave like they do? You probably already have done these things...but these are the steps my sister took & it seemed to work once she had a better idea of what they were thinking/doing. Do you/how do you discipline them for their bad behaviour?
Do not beat yourself up...I'm sure you are doing everything you can for then.

mistlethrush · 23/11/2011 12:17

FAB - GP should be able to get you an appointment with the relevant people. Hope you manage to get things sorted.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 12:42

They are 10, 8 and 6.

They have recently moved to a new school due to DS1 being bullied. They appear to have settled in really well and have made friends. DS1 has found the increase in homework difficult but we are supporting him as much as we can and he will let us.

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Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 12:44

We ask them why they do it and they say sister/brother did it first, etc. We don't listen. We don't let them do or have anything. We always take sides.

We do listen.
We give them all they need and what we can afford for their wants.
We don't take sides unless we see that has been done and if with no provercation.

i went for some osteopathy treatment today as I am still suffering after an accident a year ago and she said I am under so much stress I am tight inside and that is why I am getting the pain and the headaches. Being so shit is making me ill.

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javo · 23/11/2011 12:53

Ask the Gp and also ask to see the teacher with reponsibility for pastoral care at the school. Some primary schools have counsellors that can work with the children (but need to be identified first) or can refer and get funding for parenting help/courses. Good luck

wifey6 · 23/11/2011 12:54

Are there consequences for their bad behaviour? You sound like you are doing all you can...do you have RL support?

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 13:01

Pastoral care was what I have been trying to recall but tbh it is probably me that needs it more .

Consequencies are ds1 - loses his laptop, dd and ds2 lose tv and computer time and all of them get sent to bed so many minutes earlier. Last night the boys had to go 20 minutes early and dd 70 minutes.

DH said they started on each other as soon as they got up this morning. I had heard dd and ds2 laughing and singing at 6.30 together - lovely if a bit too early - and then ds1 shouted at them to "shut up!"

DH tries but is as stuck as me. No other RL support. I have no family and I get no emotional support with their behaviour from my MIL.

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Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 13:02

In the car to school they were all giggling over photos on the camera and I said to them how lovely it was to hear them and how I would like more behaviour like that.

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wifey6 · 23/11/2011 13:12

Fab...you sound like you are doing everything you can. I doubt you feel like doing it when they are squabbling...but have you rallied then up for 'family time'... be it a DVD or game..walks together or tell them if their behaviour is good then they will be rewarded x,y,z?
Family time will enable you all to spend time together doing fun activities which will hopefully keep them from squabbling. Wish I could offer more help.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 13:45

They need more attention from us and I suppose the more they fight and cheek us the less we want to spend time with us. It is us that has to change and that is difficult when we are so shattered and have our own stuff going on. No excuse though. I had these kids, I need to get my arse into gear to look after them. You have helped. Not flaming me is a big relief tbh.

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mistlethrush · 23/11/2011 13:49

FAB - if it helps, I've just seen the Dr about DS - I need to know how I can help him if things get bad again - and if he can have some coping strategies too that would be good. The Dr I saw was very understanding - she didn't dismiss me out of hand and suggested who we should be referred to.

wifey6 · 23/11/2011 13:54

Fab....no parent is perfect...I would never flame a fellow-mummy who is clearly trying her best to help her children. I wish you all the best. Keep me posted!

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 14:05

I dread picking them up . DS2 gets 40 minutes playtime while we wait for DS1 and DD but they come out together and it is full on from then on. Today will be tricky as we have to hang around at school due to 2 parents evenings appointments 50 minutes apart and there isn't enough time to come hom inbetween them finishing school and the first appointment, or the first and second one. I am telling myself it will be fine as that might give me confidence that I can manage them. I have made them a packed tea so they won't go hungry. I have no confidence in my parenting and I think they know I don't know what to do.

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wifey6 · 23/11/2011 14:10

It's hard when you doubt yourself..especially as a parent. But if you believe you can deal with it..you are in control...they will pick up on your confidence/authority.
Wishing you luck for tonight!

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 14:21

I have no instincts. I was so anxious to do the right things from the minute I was pregnant that I read lots of baby magazines and some books to the point that I don't know what my instincts are and have no confidence that I am doing the right things. I feel scared of my children sometimes so that has an affect as well. Last night DS1 was very angry and upset but I stayed calm when I was talking to him and actually realised I wasn't feeling scared about talking to him firmly and it did seem to work.

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wifey6 · 23/11/2011 14:35

That is maternal instinct...staying calm & getting your children through. Have you tried CBT for assertive/confidence building. I am doing it at home at the moment & finding it very helpful.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 23/11/2011 14:45

I bought the CBT book for dummies age ago but couldn't understand it tbh. I will take another look when I get chance.

I have to go and get the kids now and won't be back on until after 7 so bye for now and thank you all so much for getting me through today. Normally I feel worse when I post how hard I find parenting so I really do appreciate your help and advice.

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TopazMortmain · 23/11/2011 23:25

Fab I think you might be depressed? Have you spoken to your GP? You are obviously not doing a crap job of being a mum or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. Seems like you might need some antidepressants or counseling? I take Prozac to help me cope with life BTW. Really helps. So cam talking through your worries with someone.

TopazMortmain · 23/11/2011 23:26

Can, not cam

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 24/11/2011 12:24

I am on AD's and have been for a while now. I always will have to be as well.

I did okay last night. I told the children what was going to happen and stayed calm and firm but fair when they started trying it on.

This morning DD was difficult and I have to confess I shouted twice in the car - I can't make them understand the danger they put us all in when they start being naughty in the car - and I was left feeling upset after they went in to school. I will start again when I pick them up this afternoon and remember I did okay last night.

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