Attachment parenting advice

[partridge]

I have fallen into attachment -type parenting with ds3 (3 months) and am enjoying wearing him in a wrap/ co-sleeping/ bf on demand but would love an evening out at some point - or just an evening with DH where we don't have DS in a sling.

I will not let him cry (partly because I was unable to hold him for the first week as he was in NICU with respiratory distress syndrome) and partly because I have never let any of them. I have two other boys (3 + 5) who were ap to differing extents and are wonderful sleepers (co-slept with DS2 for 6 months) but they always would be fed to sleep in the evenings.

Please reassure me I won't be carrying a 7 year old in a sling out to dinner in a restaurant. Any tips hugely welcome!

It'll happen

I found both dses would happily sleep alone for the evening around 4 mths and dh and I got some evening together. We also co-sleep, feed to sleep, no crying alone, etc.

it'll be fine!
at 7, the boy will be desperate to be away from you!

isn't there proof that this early reassurance makes children be more secure in being on their own and independent?

That is what I'm relying on

I just need to hear from someone who is out the other end - so thanks v much for positive stories.

I only have the one, and she started becoming independent of me around 5 months. She still loves snuggles and we still cosleep, but she is very independent, comfortable with new people and children, and incredibly secure in herself. We tend to all fall asleep at the same time in the week as we have an early start, weekends it takes about 10 minutes for her to drop off to sleep, no tears, no upset, and then we have the rest of the night for grown up time.

Wee bump. Any more?

I had DD2 in a sling so much that people thought she was part of me! A couple of weeks ago (4.5mo) she just decided she'd had enough and squiggles and squirms so much in there that it is hell for both of us. She now loves the buggy and cot. I do still feed her to sleep but she settles on her own afterwards and I finally get some time alone in the evenings.

I co-slept, kept dd in the sling, never let her whimper, bf to sleep etc. DD is the most independent, secure, happy and confident child. To be completely honest she was a bit older when she was happy to be put down for any sustained amount of time, more than 6 months, less than a year. It happened gradually.

Nickelbabe is correct - there is lots of evidence that attachment parenting techniques result in more independent, courageous babies + children. You may want to buy What Every Parent Needs to Know as it summarises all the (proper, scientific) research about babies and children in a very easily digestible form. We also did no-crying, lots of slinging, feed-to-sleep (though not co-sleeping) and DD was sleeping by herself in the evenings at about four months. DS took a bit longer to reliably sleep through the evening (he used to wake up at anything from 8 to 9.30) but they're both independent, outgoing and secure - people comment on it regularly. A poster called ShowofHands pointed out on another thread that you have to think of the first year as an investment, but my goodness it pays dividends!

I can vouch for the above. I have a 22 year old whom I carried, co-slept, did not let cry - all of that (before I even knew it was called AP!) and he is the most wonderfully independent, caring, adventurous, luminous advertisement for AP there could be. I'm doing the same right now with my 9 month old too. For me, its a no-brainer, I could not contemplate treating my children with anything less than utmost love they need and deserve. The rewards are there.

Oh my goodness thank you all. You have just galvanised me to pursue what I instinctively know is right. I wish i knew you all in real life as sometimes the social pressure to conform gets me down but I know I have to do the right thing by my kids.

Did anyone think older kids suffered with the baby being attachment parented?

I think the opposite. When DD2 was in the sling I was able to basically ignore her and focus on the older ones. Same as once she is latched on, I can talk, read or play with the others - ok, I can't run around while feeding, but I make a mean Lego model with one hand!

I also found that I was saying to the older ones to listen to what DD2 was saying even if she didn't have words - so was she giggling, crying, chatting when they were playing with her. It would have been a very mixed message if I had ignored her crying but told them not to. We have lots of discussions about what she is saying. As long as you aren't ignoring their needs in favour of the baby all the time, I can't see how they suffer.

I agree with camdancer. My older DS got more attention from me when DD was born because I was wearing her in the carrier (undoubtedly the best thing I ever bought ) and could still do stuff with him.

I think it actually brought them closer too - I also talked to DS about what DD was 'saying' and what he thought she needed. He became really attuned to her needs and I think it brought them closer. She's in her own bed now (by choice) and when she wakes in the morning he will go in and see if she's ok!

People always think my DD is older than she is because she is so confident - she's quite tall for her age and has good language, but I think she's so self-assured because of AP.

I have ended up doing the attachment parenting route with our children, after fighting a bit with the first. Life is so much easier when you go with the flow and meet your child's needs now and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow IYSWIM.

So much easier to carry, co-sleep, bf 'on request' (I feel a nicer phrase than 'on demand') than to try and make a baby fit your routine/ideals. That truly is making a rod for your own back, LOL. Why spend hours trying to make baby when/where you want them to sleep, when they will sleep in a sling/on your knee/on the sofa with you.

My mother use to make comments along the line of, I will have clingy problematic children because of my parenting methods. I watch as my friendly confident 'never look back at me after 3 years at home with me on the first day of nursery' children and I think if this is clingy I have done well. Or I have been lucky, either way going with the flow is much easier on both the parents and the children, why stress about minor things :)

I think you need to be a bit careful saying your children aren't clingy or confident because you APed. My midde one is just naturally more cautious of life than DS or DD2. She can be clingy even though we APed. Maybe she'd be a whole lot worse if we hadn't APed but you can't fight human nature and I truly believe some things are just set from the womb.

i still co-sleep with my 4yo, and 2yo. 9yo dd is in her own bed.

i really know what you mean about outside pressure - surprized mil's eyebrows didn't fall entirely with all the raising that was going on.

however, imho, it really does give you fairly balanced kids, not perfect, or anything to be smuggy about, but i think they don't have that neediness that you can sometimes see in small children.