How do I talk to my mum about this

[ImYourDaughter]

I would like to marry a man! however my mum absolutely loathes him... I really believe this is the man I want commit to for life and he feels this way about me too. He has told his mother and family. But I still haven't told my mum, she will be angry and make things difficult for me. My family is Caribbean and his family are Nigerian, family are so important to us both when making these decisions. I'm not sure how to talk to her? When to talk to her? ...What do I say?

(I'm asking on this website because I thought it would be helpful to get mothers opinions)

How old are you? I am not saying that just up and marrying this man is the ideal solution, but if you are over 18 it would be legal.
Why does your mum dislike him so much? has he done something to provoke it or is it just a gut reaction from her.
My DD is 10, so I am, hopefully a long way away from this sort of issue. I would hope though that I would listen to her and respect her feelings.

What reasons does she give for not liking him?
Is it because of something he has done or is it because she thinks he is not good enough for you?
Do you think she would feel the same about any man you were thinking of marrying?
I would be tempted to phone her and tell her you are getting engaged and invite her to a celebratory meal at your house.
You don't say how old your are, but this is 2011 and you don't need your parents' permission to get married.
If you present it as a done deal then there is not much she can do about it. She will -hopefully- soon come round when she realises you are committted to each other and give you her blessing.

Is her loathing based purely on the fact that he is Nigerian?

I'm the mother of grown up children and the only reason I could possibly have for not 'approving' of one of their partners is if that partner had been unkind/disrespectful/abusive in anyway to them.

If these are your mum's reasons then she is worried for your happiness. But if her objections are based on your partner's nationality, religion or even that she just doesn't get on with him for some unspecified reason, then she's going to have to get over it if she doesn't want to fall out with you both.

IME experience when mother's try to put their children in the position of 'choose me or choose your partner' children will always choose their partners.

You need to think about the reasons your mum doesn't like him and think about if they are based on anything (honestly) and if she has a point.