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Original poster

My son keeps being invited to tea with kid he HATES!

79 replies

leapyleo · 12/09/2011 19:19

Help! My son is in 9 and since Reception has had a precocious kid (I'll call him Jack) in the class he can't stand. For all that time I have managed to dodge requests for him to go to Jack's house for tea.

Last week his Mum approached me with a birthday present for my son - she had remembered when his birthday is. (Last year she hand delivered a present to our house!) She asked me if my son was having a party (he was) but I said that he was just having a very small group of friends as my son was adamant he didn't want to invite him. She said she thought she had seen him with some invites and was worried that her son wasn't invited (which is true!). I managed to bluff my way through.

Two days later my son was given an invite to Jack's party. I plucked up the courage to call her with an excuse. I was a bit staggered when she said it was such a shame because my son hadn't been able to go last year either because it had been an inset day and I was taking him to my parents' (she'd remembered!!!!!). She suggested that my son go for tea on this kids actual birthday to make up for missing the party, I made yet another excuse. She's now asked me to come up with a date when he could go for tea - and said that if he's doing a lot of after school clubs she would even collect him from the club and take him back home even if her son wasn't doing the same club!

I feel like I'm being stalked... am I being unreasonable? My kid really doesn't want to go for tea and she's just not getting the message. I don't want to cause any upset and I hate confrontation but it's getitng really ridiculous. Anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:

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NorksAreMessy · 12/09/2011 22:48

What grumble says.
Yes be nice to people in neutral places.
You are not obliged to be nice to them in your own home.

Yes I feel sorry for 'Jack' but I have a loyalty to my own DS

HummusNKetchup · 12/09/2011 22:57

I know a little boy like "Jack". He never gets invited to parties. No one wants to go to his. People come up with all sorts of excuses for refusing playdates. People claim to be busy every day until the end of term. And all of the summer holidays. When the children that Jack thought were his friends (the least nastiest to him) couldn't come to his party, his mum changed the date. And they still couldn't come, so she invited some over individually.

I feel terribly, terribly sorry for Jack in all of this. Yet I know (the "Jack" I know is a complete pain in the arse to have around and behaves appallingly) that I wouldn't want my son to be the one Jack latched on to.

agree with lingle.

FannyFifer · 12/09/2011 23:04

To be honest it sounds like it's you that has issues with Jack and his mother, they are obviously not your type of people for whatever reason.

Your son seriously turns down a birthday party invite? Unless jack is a bully who kicks the crap out of him, not many kids turn down a party invite even from someone they are not that friendly with.

My DS is friends with children who have parents that I wouldn't have much in common with, i don't try to dissuade him from playing with anyone though.

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SearchSquad · 13/09/2011 00:44

Its just a small birthday party we are talking about, not some forced commitment of life long friendship. I don't see any harm if your child attends Jack's birthday party.

Jack does not bully your child or harm him in any way. His mother has gone out of the way to be nice to you. Why not give them a small chance?

And I think your child is old enough to be taught that while there will always be some relatives, neighbours, colleagues etc. that we may not like very much, we should give them some consideration and respect.

SnapesMistress · 13/09/2011 00:58

He is 9 not 5!

He is perfectly entitled to not spend his free time socialising with someone he dislikes. Am at the posters who seem to think he should just because he is a child when they would obviously not become fast friends with someone they disliked. It does not even have to be that Jack is unpleasent to be around, you are allowed to not like someone. He is not being cruel to Jack.

DandyLioness · 13/09/2011 01:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowraincoat · 13/09/2011 01:04

I agree with those who've said he should go to the party.

I remember as a child going to parties of children we didn't like ALL THE TIME. It was normal and it would have been incredibly rude to turn down an invitation. It's not like only Jack will be there, there'll be other children too to play with/talk to.

I also remember being the one no-one really liked. It's a horrible feeling.

seeker · 13/09/2011 06:20

"He is 9 not 5!"

Exactly. Old enough to realise how our actions can impact on other people and to know that we don't if we can avoid it, do things that hurt. And this means sometimes socialising with people that we would prefer not to and go to parties that we would rather not. And that we are sometimes suprised by how much we enjoy ourselves.

Original poster

leapyleo · 13/09/2011 13:58

Just to clarify - the word 'hate' in the title is mine and not my son's - he would say that he finds Jack extremely annoying, loud, rough and attention-grabbing. Jack isn't adopted - but he has two much older sisters and he arrived very late - he seems to be treated like an adult and gets his own way all the time from what I've seen.

I don't see why my son should have to socialise with someone he finds so difficult - and when I've helped in class I've found him extremely annoying too, I think next time the Mum grabs me outside school (please, please not today....) I'll suggest that we leave it for the moment as he's very tired with it being the start of term and hope for the best... Wish me luck!

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 13/09/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesprouts · 13/09/2011 14:03

Original poster

leapyleo · 13/09/2011 14:04

Yep, she is defo 50ish! I just can't bring myself to be so blunt if it will hurt feelings - which it's bound to. In just the same way my DS can't tell this kid he doesnt' want to play at school.

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 13/09/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 13/09/2011 14:12

Oh, Ffs, why does the mother's age matter? Unless older people like me have higher standards of behaviour and manners than you young ones?

Hullygully · 13/09/2011 14:17

why doesn't anyone like Jack?

narsty

Hullygully · 13/09/2011 14:19

And what lingle said.

Pore ol Jack's mum has probably read loads of threads on here suggesting she arrange playdates for her lonely friendless boy

DandyLioness · 13/09/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 13/09/2011 14:28

The mother's age obviously matters to the op or we wouldn't know it!

DandyLioness · 13/09/2011 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

avoider · 13/09/2011 14:55

A friend of mine had a similar problem and told the mum straight out my george doesn't really play with your fred at school and he's not keen on coming round. He says he doesn't want to. Although it is blunt it at least lets her know where she stands.

Having said that, when my dd was younger she was somewhat over excitable and combined with my lack of social skills we didn't have many playdates. I was extremely grateful to one lady who put up with us whilst my dd was going through a difficult patch and continued to invite us round and come round to ours.

I think to sum up I'd be looking at why there's a problem. Is it valid? e.g. is the other boy overly aggressive or something. Is it just an unfortunate phase or a personality clash.

I think her delivering birthday presents when he hasn't been invited to the party sounds like a cry for help.

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 16:47

i think the OP only mentioned the age because she was saying how he was surrounded by adults all the time and was treated like one (because his parents are older and as such he has much older siblings)...

I am really interested in people sayitng that all kids should ALWAYS go to parties even if they don't want to... i don't force DS to go to parties if he says he doesn't want to, nor am I offended in the slightest if people decline invites to ours..

i don't actually want my kids to grow up thinkikng that they have to pretend to like people they don't like or that it's rude to decline an invite.
I don't allow them to be rude to people, they are perfectly civil with others at school, but i certainly don't expect them to socialise with those children outside of school.

if i was invited to a party of someone i really didn't get on with i wouldn't go.

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 16:48

and can anyone point ouit to me where, in the entire thread, the OP has said that poor old jack has no friends and never has playdates and everyone dislikes him?

cos i am not getting that at all..

dearheart · 13/09/2011 17:52

"not many kids turn down a party invite even from someone they are not that friendly with."

Really? Mine does. I think it is fine to say no if you really don't want to go. My kids are good at socialising, consider others' feelings and do not exclude other children at school or if we meet them at the park etc. But I would ask them if they wanted to go to a party and make an excuse if they didn't.

BendyBob · 13/09/2011 18:28

Agree with Yesterday and Dearheart. I think it's ok not to want to pursue a friendship providing you maintain a civil and considerate 'working' relationship on a daily basis.

There's no need to be rude or unkind about it, nor should it be perceived as such. Isn't that the way most adults manage their lives too? Otherwise you'd potentially be bosom buddies with thousands of people; everyone from the lollipop man to the bank manager

Some people you click with others not. It's not something you can legislate for or explain, some people hit it off others only ever get to nodding level. That's life and by 9 you start to know this and should be free to make your own choices.

I also think that it's not a good to force things along between children for the sake of 'politeness' between adults. That isn't the way true friendships develop or grow. Swamping someone with attention is an odd way to gain a friendship and it's instinctive to back off from that kind of attention.

I can see why it seems hard, but wouldn't it be worse to go along with it out of pity and inevitably in time for the truth to come out? Because it would and most probably in an explosive and hurtful way.

Where do you draw the line? Next it could be a sleepover or a trip out somewhere. You can't really say no thanks to that if out of politeness you've gone along with everything else.

At what point does the 'my child first' criticism that was mentioned earlier actually apply to Jack and what he wants, rather that the op's ds?

osd · 13/09/2011 18:43

He's 9 they are both 9 and 'Jack's' mum is an adult. So you say thank you for the kindness you have shown towards my son, but he doesn't want to come to the party, he has a close group of friends and I have no idea why but he would rather play with them than 'Jack' again thank you for being so kind for inviting him to tea I should have told you the truth sooner. Maybe when he is a bit older he will find things he has in common with 'Jack' and feel happier playing with him.

He is old enough to know who he likes and doesn't and should be able to choose who to play with, without 'Jacks' mother intervening perhaps 'Jack' just admires your son and thats why he wants to play with him all the time.

God imagine you get stuck talking to 'Geoff' at the office party how do you feel if you can't stand his company.

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