Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My son keeps being invited to tea with kid he HATES!

79 replies

leapyleo · 12/09/2011 19:19

Help! My son is in 9 and since Reception has had a precocious kid (I'll call him Jack) in the class he can't stand. For all that time I have managed to dodge requests for him to go to Jack's house for tea.

Last week his Mum approached me with a birthday present for my son - she had remembered when his birthday is. (Last year she hand delivered a present to our house!) She asked me if my son was having a party (he was) but I said that he was just having a very small group of friends as my son was adamant he didn't want to invite him. She said she thought she had seen him with some invites and was worried that her son wasn't invited (which is true!). I managed to bluff my way through.

Two days later my son was given an invite to Jack's party. I plucked up the courage to call her with an excuse. I was a bit staggered when she said it was such a shame because my son hadn't been able to go last year either because it had been an inset day and I was taking him to my parents' (she'd remembered!!!!!). She suggested that my son go for tea on this kids actual birthday to make up for missing the party, I made yet another excuse. She's now asked me to come up with a date when he could go for tea - and said that if he's doing a lot of after school clubs she would even collect him from the club and take him back home even if her son wasn't doing the same club!

I feel like I'm being stalked... am I being unreasonable? My kid really doesn't want to go for tea and she's just not getting the message. I don't want to cause any upset and I hate confrontation but it's getitng really ridiculous. Anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thisisyesterday · 12/09/2011 20:30

i would just tell her that your DS doesn't want to!

we have invited people around and been told they just don't want to and I havven't been offended at all. I would rather people be honest than force their kid to come to our house!

not sure why all the "poor Jack" comments... there is no suggestion that he doesn't have plenty of other friends to play with is there?

ds1 has ASD and finds it very hard to maintain friendships, but I still don't get upset if people simply don't get on iwth him or don't want to come nad play.
it's life

I think "not allowing" your child to dislike someone is really quite bizarre. I don't like everyone I meet and I certainly wouldn't want to spend much time with people I actively disliked and I don't see why children should have to either

Original poster

leapyleo · 12/09/2011 20:32

He's not really a 'poor Jack' type kid - he's quite gregarious and 'in your face' iyswim. He will always insist that someone plays with him if that makes sense so I totally understand my son's reluctance.

OP posts:

grumplestilskin · 12/09/2011 20:36

no don't buy a present because it sets a precident for the NEXT occassion, if you buy now she'll buy for you for christmas

BTW just because a child is in your face and loud doesn't mean they aren't lonely and sad. Still think "poor Jack". Poor Jack because he has crap social skills, doesn't have to mean wall flower IYKWIM

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

BendyBob · 12/09/2011 20:38

Re the birthday, I'd leave it tbh.

I think from what you've said she might read too much into anything you do. This could be a good chance to illustrate to her that your ds is not up for persuing this friendship.

JJ · 12/09/2011 20:38

No, I wouldn't reciprocate with the birthday present. The one she gave your son was most likely more of a way of trying to get you to invite Jack to your son's party than anything else. Giving Jack one would be leading them both on, as well.

cjbartlett · 12/09/2011 20:43

It might not be anything to do with poor Jack though
It might be mad stalkery mother forcing friendships

Tota1Xaos · 12/09/2011 21:01

I suppose I'm saying poor Jack, as the mother's behaviour makes most sense if Jack has few friends at school. But fair enough that may be an assumption too far. I feel sorry for Jack as Jack sounds a little lacking in social finesse, but doesn't sound unpleasant or undeserving of friends.

Definitely don't get a present for Jack.

seeker · 12/09/2011 21:02

I think that children should learn that sometimes we have to do things, and do them with a good grace, that we don't want to. And I think saying that q child "hates" another chills who has done them no harm is completely unacceptable.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 12/09/2011 21:02

I would go with the excuse of your DS having a lot on at the mo and so can you leave it for a while. I wouldn't be able to be blunt enough to tell the truth as I wouldn't want to hurt feelings but i also wouldn't force a 9yr old on a play date.

Can I ask why your DS doesn't want to attend Jack's party though? That is surely a different set up with other children??

My DS is autistic and can be very active at trying to befriend people when he wants to and I know he comes across as being very in your face, but I wouldn't assume other children should come on play dates and suchlike even if they aren't friends with him, and I certanly wouldn't be as pushy and stalkerish as Jack's mum is being. It sounds like your DS is kind to him in that he doesn't tell him he doesn't want to play. I understand the play date/tea invites being turned down but I feel somehow it's more rude to decline a party invitation. Not sure why I feel that way but I do.

grumplestilskin · 12/09/2011 21:04

what he might "hate" is the pressure to be friends with Jack

thisisyesterday · 12/09/2011 21:14

but seeker he doens't "have" to do this does he?
and if he does it opens the floodgates for even more invites etc.

why should he be forced to be friends with someone he doesn't like?

seeker · 12/09/2011 21:31

No, he doesn't "have" to. But it would be kind and civilized to be friendly and socialise occasionally. Unless you subscribe to the mumsnet mantra "my kids always come first"

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZombieWhirl · 12/09/2011 21:43

seeker Why should a child have to entertain someone he doesn't like? Do you invite people round to your house that you don't like, or go to theirs? I don't see the point.

OP's child is polite at school to Jack and I think that sounds enough.

thisisyesterday · 12/09/2011 21:44

seeker, i don't.... but jack's mum clearly does.

it isn't about coming first anyway. it's about being old enough to decide who he does and doesn't want to socialise with.

Feenie · 12/09/2011 21:46

I think it's horrible that you condone your ds saying he 'hates' another child who has done nothing wrong, totally aside from the going to tea issue. It's mean.

NormaSnorks · 12/09/2011 21:55

I think people are reading too much into the use of the word 'hate' here.

A 9 year old (of which I have one ) may not have the breadth of vocabulary to properly describe their feelings about another child, and may simply use 'hate' as shorthand. (And yes, it might be useful to correct the word with a more suitable one)

lingle · 12/09/2011 22:00

Hi Leapyleo,

Well, speaking as one who has had to pinch my own skin in order to not act like Jack's mum, I feel her pain but I'm not sure your son can solve Jack's problem.

Have you thought about letting Jack's teacher know? It's pretty likely that Jack does have some additional needs - diagnosed or not - that you don't know about - and if they run in the family his mum may struggle that way too, hence her coming across badly/needily. The two things we can be fairly sure about are that Jack has a lot to learn about social skills and his mum is in pain about Jack's social experiences.

You don't have to make a big play of it and you don't have to be nosy about Jack's potential additional needs - just relay the facts.

I think that Jack/his mum's problems are big problems - bigger and more significant than your "how-to-refuse-annoying-invititation" problem. But if your son is going to angrily reject Jack then there's no point in being pushed into the role of helping Jack is there?

The teachers will be well-placed to judge who is a suitable potential friend for Jack. If you present the facts in a neutral way their response may be enough to guide you further.

Meanwhile perhaps you could learn more from your son about Jack and perhaps talk to your son about how some people find it very hard to learn social skills and so they need the practice more than most - but don't get the practice because they tend to drive people away.

Who knows, your son might even have an idea of who in the class actually can cope with Jack and would like to be invited over? If Jack's mum finds Jack a real friend, you'll soon be forgotten (ok, unless she really is a stalker). You'll have helped Jack much more by doing that than you will be sending your child over if your child really doesn't want to be nice to Jack.

thisisyesterday · 12/09/2011 22:10

or the OP may have used the word in her title but it may not be something her son has said!

23balloons · 12/09/2011 22:27

My son had a boy earlier in the school (R,Y1) who practically stalked him, he wouldn't let anybody else play with him & would hurt them if they tried to. He basically made ds's life a misery. If the classes hadn't mixed I was going to remove him from the school to get away from this boy. The classes will mix again in Y6 and from Y3 he already started mentioning how he didn't want to be back in this boy's class.

If your son doesn't like Jack then he shouldn't have to socialise with him, IMO it is Jack's mothers problem & I would have to say "sorry he doesn't want to go" & leave it at that. Your son has his own mind and shouldn't be forced to go on playdates just to please another parent. she is really putting you in an awkward position & it isn't fair but if you don't tell her the truth then she will probably persist.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumplestilskin · 12/09/2011 22:30

but seeker it sounds like he IS "kind and civilised and socialises with Jack occassionally" in general social situations like school

we all have to be nice to people who aren't our cup of tea friendwise at work etc but that doesn't mean we have to have them round for tea or spend our birthdays with them!

If he was being horrible to Jack at school then I'ld agree with you but we're talking about going round each other's house and small birthday parties here!

Do you have the people you like least at work round for tea in the evenings to be kind or are you just civil and frieldly to them at work, then spend your evenings/special occasssions, with people who's company you enjoy? I think to do the former would be very odd and two faced and a bit patronising!

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumplestilskin · 12/09/2011 22:35

It depends on how it's done, like a wedding RSVP. Problem is with this woman, going to the birthday opens the floodgates for the next playdate, christmas presents, the next birthday..

its not like they can suck it up this time then go under the radar is it?

23balloons · 12/09/2011 22:43

Also, apart from anything else you cannot actually force a child to go to a party they don't want to go to, believe me I have tried. After buying several presents & driving to parties & ds refusing point blank to get out of the car, I have now decided if he says no he doesn't want to go then I don't accept the invitation.

Flip

1 2 3 4