Is it ok to tell kids how priveleged they are?

[eggsareoffagain]

Hi everyone, looking for opinions here.

Me and DH and our 2 dcs have been living as expats for 9 years now, in various crappy locations countries. We are very well compensated financially for being away from our home country and family and for living in places which are often difficult and frustrating. There are many positives to our experiences too - our dcs go to very good schools with small class sizes, we all get to see some amazing parts of the world and life is often exciting and never boring.

Basically, I would say that my dcs have a very priveleged existence. They live in a large house with a pool, as do all of their expat friends. They are often invited to lavish birthday parties with no expense spared. Everyone they know has 2 parents together, has a maid in the house to do everything for them, has money for holidays etc, and can afford to buy their dcs whatever they want to give them. They live in a bubble, and mostly I would say that's a good thing. (Incidentally we make our dcs clean up after themselves and make them save up their pocket money for things they want, but we are in the minority in doing that).

Right. I've noticed more and more that my dcs are taking all of this for granted. Fair enough in a way, it's not their choice to be in this bubble and they don't know any different. But I think they are turning into expat brats. For example, it's very cheap to get local people to teach swimming, sports, horse-riding etc, things which would be seriously expensive if we were at home. I think of it as a great opportunity but my dcs don't want to do anything, and complain and ask why they have to. There's literally nothing to do here like parks, going for walks etc, so you need quite a few organised activities as there's plenty of hanging about the house as it is.

Do you think I should start to gently let them know that they are lucky to have these opportunities and that many do not? Or just accept that this is the way they are because of our choices?

I should memorise that!

I've known a lot of expat kids in my time, though haven't been one in the strictest sense of the word, and there are usually two types: the stuck-up, spoiled, over-privileged brats who judge everyone they meet based on what daddy does, and the laid back, culturally aware, lovely kids who are a joy be with and can conduct themselves appropriately in whatever company they find themselves. The difference was always, my experience at least, that the first set of kids lived the colonial dream, only socialising with a limited circle of similarly privileged children, while the second set became part of their local communities, no matter how inhospitable they seemed to be. When they lived in a country with a good standard of living, they learned the language, went to the local scouts and made local friends. When they lived in a third world country, they learned the language, offered their services at a local school, usually for children much younger than them, and organised their friends at home to be pen pals with the local children so that they could have a chance to learn English and feel like they mattered. They invited the teacher of the local school back to their home for meals. When they moved on, they actually missed the people they left behind. In countries where they lived in compounds and contact with the country outside was rare, they were interested in local issues, learned the local language and about local customs and were respectful to the local people who worked in their homes and larger compound.

There is always an opportunity to burst the bubble of privilege and entitlement. You probably justifiably feel that your children have enough to do adjusting to such frequent change, but that doesn't need to stop you from helping them to be part of the country they live in. It is a privileged child indeed who has the chance to learn at least a rudimentary knowledge of different languages, which will serve them throughout their life. It is an extraordinary child who makes a difference wherever they go and makes the best of whatever situation they find themselves in.

I don't know if they are priveleged.

Many children back in uk have parents with good income, travel a lot and live in one of the most multi-culture countries in the world, most kids in uk have school mates from every corner of the world.

Many of the countries ex-pats live are not very safe so their children have very limited freedom.

I know what you mean about the lifestyle thu because i lived for a bit like this and i found it hard to socialize with other ex-pats, i prefered the locals myself but thats not always possible depends where you are and if there is language barrier.

Genuine question OP - you have it easy but does your maid?

What is the average existence of the maid like? What choice does she have in life? How restricted are her choices in life?

Does her human capital enable you and your family to live day to day without worrying about domestic chores?

If I were in your situation then I would be having conversations like this with my children. How does you situation help or hinder the communities that you live amongst?

AKMD what an awesome post!

Op I think you are doing a very job with you'r children, as you see from this thread bratty and demanding is classless and ALL if not most children are guilty of it. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, your children should not feel forever guilt for what they have in life, How about you encourage them as a family to investigate and chose a charity to make regular payments to, you could chart how much you have donated and what difference it has and will make to a person, a family or a village. such as water aid or something. I would make a big project look at who spends less on admin etc. Just to add my dd has tennis lessons but she also understands that to continuew with them then then that means we dont and cant just buy anything and every thing we need to budget.

Budgeting is a valed lesson, but I would say not needed at a very young age, teeneagers yes but not your childrens age, budgetting in my family is my worry and responsibility not dds. so long as your children understand you must work for your money then you are doing O.K.

My dd does not have privilege in the sense that yours have but she has a nice home, loving parents and good food on the table. if she wants to pursue a hobby wean fund that, she has nice clothes and we can go camping every year. She does however come into contact with extremes of wealth through her extended family so we are careful to keep her very grounded.

She has to do chores, if she wants something out of the ordinary she has to raise a proportion of the money. She does not get much for Christmas or birthdays and we would never buy any showy labels. When she has something new, something old has to go. She is told that she is very privileged and is involved in charity work we do . She presently is working to raise money for a charity she cares about.

As a family we visibly save with targets, hopefully dd will take on board that having nice things costs money and that means hard work .

My dd is 9 and has been aware of the need to budget from a young age. When we do the food shop she knows that if we save in one area we can splurge on another. She knows to check priced etc. She has her own money which is her responsibility to take care of.

As I said previously she is currently raising money for a charity and needs to raise £300. She sat down and worked out a mini business plan to raise that money. I think that is good training for the future.

Eggs - I really do think you are seeing a problem where there isn't one. Has someone said something to you? Your Mum perhaphs? Of course when they visit other people they tell them about flying somewhere to play football - they are telling them what they have been doing. It's not brattish - it's conversation. At their age they really shouldn't have to temper what they tell people simply because it is different to how other people are living. Do you see what I mean? Unless of course they are 'bragging' then that's entirely different and they'd be left with a clear impression of why that was very wrong. Only you are there to know whether they are 'just saying' or 'bragging'... but to me it sounds like you are bringing them up to be lovely kids who aren't bragging.

They do have a lot of things harder than other kids (moving all the time, not being near family & friends, constantly making new friends, not knowing what they next place will be like etc), try not to make them feel bad or guilty for being kids who talk about what they do...

Wow, some great responses, thanks, will try to respond to each one....

Cat64 I agree, it's all too easy for them to switch off with those kind of lectures and that's definitely not the way to go about it.

AKMD I hope you would say my dcs fall into the second category, but not sure. We have not been sent to a country with a high standard of living yet (not high for the general population anyway), so can't comment on that. The dcs learn the local language and culture at school, and meet local people in the context of school staff and the families of the maid/driver, but we are not integrated any more than that. I know some local people through DH's work but they are the rich ones who want to socialise mostly with expats anyway. It's possible to do more than that obviously, but difficult and tiring. Even going to the local market I would get massively ripped off for food items if I didn't have someone to help me. One thing I do not like is there tends to be quite a bit of moaning about things not working properly from the expats and some of that must filter through to the dcs and can produce a bit of a looking-down attitude if you're not careful.

Laquitar my dcs have had a lot of restrictions due to safety, mainly traffic and animals. I don't think they see it as an issue really, although they love being able to walk to the shops alone when we are in the UK. We also have no expat medical care, so definitely we would all be more priveleged with that in UK, but that's why they pay us well.

Redsun I'm not sure why you ask that but what we pay the maid is very little but a good salary for here. The dcs have to treat her respectfully of course. I find that relationship strange and difficult tbh. I would rather not have her in the house but we are required to employ a certain number of people.

Dandylioness yes my dcs have to do chores in the house, but I don't connect it with pocket money. I don't think they should have a financial incentive for everything, they should just help out because they are part of the family.

ChippingIn no one has said anything (a few raised eyebrows from my mum but she is very protestant work ethic, of the view that you must suffer for everything good that comes your way, imo). The dcs were not bragging but some people perceive it that way, I know they do. It does make for a lot of amusing comments - my youngest used to think women were not allowed to drive because she doesn't remember me ever driving a car.

To turn this on its head, how do you feel when you're having, for you, a rubbish day for whatever reason and someone says to you "you're so lucky". It rarely helps. Blessings are really only something you can count for yourself. They are not always the things people envy or material things and if your emotional "cup" for whatever reason is running a bit low then it is totally counterproductive. Whereas, if someone says to me "it must be tough for you" my immediate response is to tell them why I am lucky-even if two seconds ago I was feeling sorry for myself. Have you tried this reverse psychology on your children?
My second thought is to stop activities that they moan about-whilst not allowing screen time as an alternative. Perhaps faced with long days in the house they might change their minds.

Well you see there are so many restrictions. It is only 'priveleged' life money wise. Tax free wages, pool and a maid. Thats all it is. And you have choosen to go which probably means that you value the tax free wage, the pool and having maid.

Eggs - if you know they aren't bragging then I think what other people think shouldn't matter too much, I think it's the 'tone' in which it's said and if other people can't see that - IMO it's their problem. You honestly cannot expect children to temper everything they say to people because some of those people may be jealous - as I said - so long as they don't have that horrible bragging tone of voice.

Op the reason I asked what I asked is that you mentioned in your opening post that "it's very cheap to get local people to teach swimming, sports, horse-riding etc, things which would be seriously expensive if we were at home."

Just as you would find it frustrating to go to a local market and get "ripped off" I imagine those local people too must feel frustrated. I just wondered if there was conflict there, that was all.

But OP is not getting paid local wages, she gets expat's pay packet while living in a very low living cost country. And that's one of the main attractions.

Lots of good advice here.

One additional idea. One thing I do with my two is to have a time at the end of the day, where we reflect on the best moment of the day, & the one thing we are most grateful for. I think keeping alive that sense of thankfulness & reflecting on the many little things that make us happy is a good practice whereever you live. And I agree with others that doing all you can to integrate with the local community (where your children will see and understand their good luck) is more likey to be successful than parental lectures to feel grateful you have to do piano practice (or whatever)

Dandylioness Yes I do see what you are saying but isn't it due to the unfairness of the situation, i,e. it might be that the local population without education and skills or inequality between sexes to obtain any social mobility means that expats can come over and enjoy wealthy standard of living, while living in a low cost place. It is such a lottery where you are born.

Thanks everyone, more great ideas.

Laquitar I would say that the experience rather than the lifestyle is what we value more. And while we are grateful to not have to worry about money, we live comfortably rather than extravagantly. We chose this life partly to save for the future - hopefully nice house when we eventually go home, uni fees etc, which would have been much harder if we stayed in UK.

The rates for sport etc are definitely bumped up, but fair enough, they made the effort to learn English so they could work with expats.

That's true Dandylioness - where we lived previously there were seriously rich local kids in the same school, however the school they are at now requires a foreign passport.

I guess if they see me being grateful for what I have it might rub off on them a bit.

redsun yes of course it's extremely unfair. The reason we have been in all of these countries is that they do not have local people trained to do the same work.

Well what 'experience'? So that you can drive around the city (or actually be driven) and say to your dcs 'oh look, black/asian people' and 'oh look how poor they are, aren't we lucky?'

'to save for the future-hopefully nice house'. Yes, now we are talking. A 'nice house' in a 'nice area', one with no many immigrants.

Nothing wrong with making money. But i just don't like the 'we went there for cultural interaction' or 'give me a pat for my pity towards the locals'.