Help how to deal with teenage behaviour in 9 year old dd

[OhWesternWind]

I am having a really hard time with dd lately. She has a really bad attitude, not what she says but how she says it. She speaks to me like I am a piece of muck, won't help round the house (which she used to do) without a big row and threats, is unkind to her younger brother, tuts and eye-rolls when I say anything she doesn't like. She won't say she loves me any more. She just wants to lie around and read or play games. This evening she turned round and waggled her backside at me when I told her to get out of bed and brush her teeth properly, and then when I was speaking to her (quite calmly and rationally) about her behaviour started humming and tapping and eventually laughed in my face whilst I was saying how much she had upset me. It all sounds so petty but when she does this every time I speak to her it is really difficult to cope with.

I am ashamed of myself, I called her a little cow when she did that. I have never spoken to her like that before as I always try to treat her with respect and stay calm. I did apologise later for saying that but I know it was wrong. I just can't take the total lack of consideration or love from her when she means so much to me. I have no idea how to get her to stop this. I have tried reasoning with her, telling her off, threatening her with loss of treats/activities, but nothing works. I can't live like this for the next ten years or so until she comes out the other side of teenagerdom

Any help welcome.

Stop trying to be her friend and be her parent. Get used to the idea that if she hates you it's a good sign that you're doing your job properly. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be fair but be firm. Insist that she does the reasonable things you request and enforce (and carry through) penalties for disobedience. Kids need boundaries. You've got at least 10 years to weather this storm but I have no doubt that if you make you mind up to tackle it head on you will end up with a wonderful relationship with your daughter when she's an adult. Isn't that the aim, at the end of it?

You are not alone. I am dreading the teenage years, how can they be worse than this

Thanks all, it is good in a way to know I am not alone but sorry to hear you are going through this too Ruby and McDreamy.

Hi Dianella - I try to be her mother first rather than her friend, and I've always insisted on decent behaviour. She's always had rules and boundaries, but this hasn't got in the way of us getting on really well for the last eight or so years probably because until recently she has been a good and loving child. Where has my lovely girl gone? Maybe it is puberty starting early but I don't know about that - I have thought recently she is looking a bit puffy round the nipple area like something is starting to happen with her developing, but I'm not sure. I do need to accept that she is going to "hate" me at least some of the time but that's something I am finding difficult. Maybe I do want to be her friend after all!

Ruby - Sometimes I don't know whether to walk away which avoids conflct over small things but I think that it also lets her feel she is getting away with things, even at a low level, and that leads to escalating behaviour. But to pick her up on every instance of cheekiness and attitude would be a full time job!

Thanks again

It might make you feel better to hear that I am going throught the same with my DS2....but he is only 7! And he has been like this on and off since he was 18 months... I ignore, I shout, I withold treats, I try to talk, I feed, I try anything new...but I do feel that he will just grow out of it at some point determined by his hormones. Until then we tell him when his behaviour is unacceptable and make sure it doesnt spoil our lives (and lots of !!)