worried about dd1's only friendship

[fridakhalo]

in the past 3 years for various reasons we have had to move house 3 times, including moving from city - country, from country to another city, and then back to the first city but in a different area. All this has taken its toll on all of us in different ways, but I think on my 7 yr old dd most of all. She claims to like her new school, but has chosen as her only friend the one child I would have loved her to avoid. This child is emotionally very very needy, disturbed, and immature, and I really dislike my child's association with her. I have tried to see the positive in this child, but I am afraid the negative really outweighs. She adores my dd and showers her with presents because my dd is the only one in the class who is nice to her. this in itself I find really sad and a bit sick. At first when dd started the new school she made efforts to mix with a large group of girls, and I do invite different girls home to play each week, but the friendship has now evolved to the extent that people refer to them as a double act. I have to work very hard to hide the horror on my face, and I KNOW my dd is aware of my dislike for this child..

Apart from encouraging her to try other friendships, what do I do? what is worse is that next year the classes are being mixed up and we have to fill in a form to name our child's best friend. I would LOVE for them to be split up next year, but noone else will write my dd down as her friend.

Have you tried speaking to DD's teacher about this? She could try and manipulate tables/groups etc so that your DD spends more time with other children. Otherwise would it work if your DD did some activities outside school and had the chance to mix with a different social group? also I think worth speaking to DD's teacher about your concerns about the other girl, for this other girl's sake as well - I'd be concerned as to whether all is OK with this other girl's home life and where she's getting the money from to shower her with presents....

can you have a word with the teacher and ask if he/she can try splitting your dd and the other girl up a bit in class to give your dd a chance to make other friends. Try and explain what you have said here. Also something along the lines of you don't want to get rid of first friend but feel your daughter needs help to make other friends as well.

Do you know why the other child is "emotionally very very needy, disturbed, and immature" ? Could you talk to her parent and ask her to not give your dd so many presents because it is giving your daughter a distorted view of the way friendship normally works ?

Hi frida,

I'm probably not the best person to advise here, and I will be very interested to see what other posters, especially thos with dds, have to say, but my advice would be to respect your dd's choice of friend and not to put any pressure on her to drop this girl. You can, of course, do everything in your power to encourage both of them to widen their circle of friends but I would really put my focus on doing it for both of them, not just your own dd at the expense of the other little girl. I think that it reflects well, not badly, on your dd that she has chosen to be friends with this little girl.

I wouldn't panic about next year - that's a long way away, and a lot can change before then. A lot of friendships seem to have a kind of natural shelf-life, then one or other child (hopefully both) kind of move on. This seems to be what is happening with my DS1 (aged 6 1/2) and the little boy who has been his best friend since the start of Reception.

Thanks mts, I have thought of talking to the teacher but I feel it would be disloyal to the girl's mum ,who I like very much and who would be horrified if she knew what I really felt. The child clearly feels very insecure - but I can't possibly say to her that I hate the friendship with my dd!the presents are the girl's own stuff - watches, my little pony's, soft toys etc. I have told dd to say to her " I like you as a person - you do not need to buy my friendship" but apparently the message isn't getting across. Is talking to the teacher really the only option?

Thanks mts, I have thought of talking to the teacher but I feel it would be disloyal to the girl's mum ,who I like very much and who would be horrified if she knew what I really felt. The child clearly feels very insecure - but I can't possibly say to her that I hate the friendship with my dd!the presents are the girl's own stuff - watches, my little pony's, soft toys etc. I have told dd to say to her " I like you as a person - you do not need to buy my friendship" but apparently the message isn't getting across. Is talking to the teacher really the only option?

Would def speak to the teacher and ask them to be split up

I am sure it will happen

If you explain the situation it won't matter if no one else has put DD for their friend

good luck

sorry, double post there. Thanks. Yes I've sussed she need other friendships and she does a few out of school activities which mean she does have other kids in her life, but they are not really friends as in coming over to hang out. It looks like I have to talk to the teacher . I feel incredibly sorry for this other little girl as well though. Dinosaur why are you not the best person to post, is it because you have ds's? It's interesting what you say about shelf-lives. The problem in this particular school is that everyone else seems to have moved into the area when they were pregnant, and there are very very long standing relationships amongst parents and children, and I think dd has found it very hard to break into any of them - as have I tbh, despite my best efforts.

sorry, double post there. Thanks. Yes I've sussed she need other friendships and she does a few out of school activities which mean she does have other kids in her life, but they are not really friends as in coming over to hang out. It looks like I have to talk to the teacher . I feel incredibly sorry for this other little girl as well though. Dinosaur why are you not the best person to post, is it because you have ds's? It's interesting what you say about shelf-lives. The problem in this particular school is that everyone else seems to have moved into the area when they were pregnant, and there are very very long standing relationships amongst parents and children, and I think dd has found it very hard to break into any of them - as have I tbh, despite my best efforts.

Because I have DSs and because my DS1 is on the autistic spectrum, which makes it more difficult for him to make and retain friends. So I have a tendency to be absurdly grateful for any friends he has at all...

Aha. I can see from that perspective you might think I'm worrying about nothing.

can you help the mother of the other child to sort out her problems - why does she feel the need to give all her toys to your dd. I think you need to try and work at it from both sides - help the other little girl to become more "normal" for want of a better word, and also help your dd make other friends. Is there anyway you can include the other girl occassionally so that she has the chance to make other friends too and not be so dependent on your dd ?

I am very kind to this child when she comes to play, but I also have to be quite strict with her - maybe this is why she likes coming to play, beacuse I won't take any crap from her - but as far as sorting her life out - I balk at that idea. She has support in class for english and maths, but I don't know whether she's on a register for emotional/behavioural.
As far as I can see the mother doesn't see there is a problem at all, she loves the friendship, and I would have no idea how to approach her about it.

keep encouraging i was like ur dd moved about alot only had 1friend at school and when she was not there i was on my own i hated it i was picked on cos i would eat lunch myself etc and now i only have a couple of friends and spend most of my time alone as ive moved away and am crap at making fiends

starandsnowshaker. What is your situation?

No no frida, I don't think that you're worrying about nothing, at all! I just meant that I think that I perhaps might set the bar a bit lower than other mothers, and therefore not be much help here. I do agree that speaking to her teacher is probably a good place to start, though.

But if I thought you were worrying about nothing, I wouldn't have taken the time to respond to your post.

thanks dinosaur.

As someone who has a child where other girl?s parents see her as "an inappropriate friend" I am probably the last person to offer advice. It breaks my heart to see her totally rejected by the other girls when she tries so hard to mix. She is a happy little girl most of the time, plays well with the boys - quite physical - she loves power rangers, Dr Who, running leaping and jumping. The girls like ponies, brushing each others hair and pushing prams. My DD is very young in the year and is a little immature but also is just not into the usual girly stuff. We constantly invite the girls home, always brushed off with ridiculous excuses.
Only one girl ever takes us up on it and I go all out for them to have a good time -w e do art stuff, baking, playing games, making jewellry etc etc and goes home very happy. Never ever returned the offer for my Dd to go to her house. The boys regularly visit and DD1 goes to them happily, always good reports about behaviour. Just the girls have it in their head that she is "wierd" for liking boys games and is "rough and tumble". I am sick of hearing other girls mums saying stuff like "she is a real tomboy isn?t she" and "I expect she will be wanting fotball boots not ballet shoes this Xmas..." type comments. SO WHAT?? She still likes the girls and would desperately like them to be her friends - instead they gang together and snigger/smirk at her. I have seen it with my own eyes.
If this other girl has no friends other than your daughter, think twice before insisting that your DD pulls the plug entirely. By all means try to encourage a wider group of friends - sounds wise - but if at all possible, have a heart. For all I know, this other little girl might well be my DD you are talking about.

when I say if at all possible have a heart - not implying that you don?t have a heart!! Just if at all sensible to consider allowing friendship to continue..Not commenting on your heart You clearly care deeply about your child?s welfare, like any of us mums

oh, but fireworks, your dd doesn't sound at all disturbed - this girl is, definitely. Your dd sounds like someone who knows her own mind and is thankfully free from a lot of girly nonsense, and I would absolutely love my dd to have a friend like your dd. And I feel on your behalf at the behaviour of those girls/mothers.

not sure just dont feel comfy mixing with new people really. every1 i know used to fall out with friends then make up i wouldnt i would always agree with them etc so i didnt lose my friend. now i have probs saying how i feel etc and hate confrontation so end up dong things i dont want to. i now have 1 really fab friend who says what she thinks and i feel can do the same with her without us falling out. thats what real friendship is being able to say what u want.

fridakhalo,

I'm sorry to say this as it isn't what you want to hear, but I feel desperately sorry for this other little girl and baulk at the idea that your dd should be discouraged from seeing her. The other little girl doesn't sound like an unholy horror - needy and immature etc aren't too heinous.

I totally see where you are coming from in wanting your daughter to expand her circle of friends and wish you lots of luck with that - I suggest that you continue with the invitations to play dates - it might take a while for friendships to be forged from these. How long has she been at the new school?

fireworks - it is so sad the children stereotype themselves so young. Why should girls have to like combing each others hair and ponies ?! The stereotyping seems to be even more now that when I was a child sadly.

It must be hard to watch your daughter go through that - all you can do is encourage her self confidence and explain to her that it is fine to be different. Hopefully you can bolster her self image and let her realise it is the other girls who have a problem and are missing out not her.

fridakhalo, what kind of behaviour is she displaying for you to say she seems very disturbed? I'm just curious.

As an afterthough - you seem very definite that this other girl is definitely disturbed. How are you so sure - how does this manifest itself?