worried about dd1's only friendship

[fridakhalo]

in the past 3 years for various reasons we have had to move house 3 times, including moving from city - country, from country to another city, and then back to the first city but in a different area. All this has taken its toll on all of us in different ways, but I think on my 7 yr old dd most of all. She claims to like her new school, but has chosen as her only friend the one child I would have loved her to avoid. This child is emotionally very very needy, disturbed, and immature, and I really dislike my child's association with her. I have tried to see the positive in this child, but I am afraid the negative really outweighs. She adores my dd and showers her with presents because my dd is the only one in the class who is nice to her. this in itself I find really sad and a bit sick. At first when dd started the new school she made efforts to mix with a large group of girls, and I do invite different girls home to play each week, but the friendship has now evolved to the extent that people refer to them as a double act. I have to work very hard to hide the horror on my face, and I KNOW my dd is aware of my dislike for this child..

Apart from encouraging her to try other friendships, what do I do? what is worse is that next year the classes are being mixed up and we have to fill in a form to name our child's best friend. I would LOVE for them to be split up next year, but noone else will write my dd down as her friend.

Posts crossed with mac!

fridakhalo
Yes, you are right. My DD is emotionally quite stable and tbh I never liked pony games, wearing pink etc when I was a child either. I rarely wear jewellry or make up now and don?t have an issue with it. I still like dressing up for a special occasion and DD1 will play Barbies now and again too - just different balance to all the other girls.
Keep persevering with the home invites. I know we are. So far, limited success but am convinced that they wil have to cave in sometime and when they do will make sure they have such a great time that they will want to come back. If it were for me I would have given up ages ago, but still have plenty of optomism (along with the heartbreak and frustration) as it is for my DD.
I was thinking of doing a little Christmas craft party for the girls. I thought I might get them all over for an afternoon party where they all make a little present each to take home instead of a party bag. Something cheap and easy just as a way of getting them through the door. Not thought it through yet but am determined to up the stakes..Maybe you could find other ways to get your DD to mix with others out of school too?
As for the form to fill in - I would speak to the class teacher about your concerns and ask their advice/help in encouraging further friendships. Whilst teachers can?t make friends for them, they can help it along with sensitive seating, allocating "jobs", choosing pairwork etc Worth a try

The Christmas craft party is an excellent idea

In what way is she disturbed?Are you sure?I have had similar things with ds but as they grow older they come to certain realisations themselves and make better choices.This little girl may benefit from a friend like your daughter

It is. Thank you. I will probably do that AND talk to the teacher.

I appreciate all of your concern for the other little girl - and I share it as well, which is why I have not so far gone to the teacher, and why I do have her round, but just not that often - because :- her neediness and immaturity manifests itself in a) the presents b) she cries ALL the time c) she has HUGE tantrums d) she does not read any social cues AT ALL, and is therefore a pita to have round e) she looks very sad ALL the time, her eyes implore me whenever she sees me. f) she talks in a babyish way. Each of these things on their own probably wouldn't add up to much, but believe me in combination it makes quite a package. Her mum recently threw an autumn party for her, clearly with the same idea, and only 4 turned up, and she changed the time and date to suit US, to ensure that dd could go.. I have to go now, but will post later.

sorry starandsnowshaker didn't want to ignore your post. Have you posted elsewhere on other threads about how you feel? have you spoken to a counsellor or therapist? that you feel like that. Do you have kids? how old are they?

I have to go now but will post later.

frikado, it sounds like this little girl has special needs of some sort. I would have a word with the teacher, and express your concerns about next year. But, I would want to know if being friends was making your dd behave badly, or if it is a positive relationship that is bringing benefits to both of them. We talked to ds's teacher last year about which children in his class to invite to a birthdy party (sort of sounding out which friendships to encourage really) and it was very useful. Ds's "best mate", who we were concerned about for the first year or so, has now changed schools, and ds misses him very much. Our views on him (we thought he was rough, and encouraged ds's bad behaviour) changed radically, when unprompted he said ds's new glasses were "really cool". The result is that he wears them all the time, which for us, is very important (only way to imporve both ds's eyesight, and his behaviour). I guess I'm just saying you never know, this child might be a good thing.

no not bothered my best friend is fab and i am trying mainly for my dd sake. i go to groups etc dont want her to grow up alone

frida - she does sound very wearing from your description, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to continue tolerating her sometimes, whilst encouraging 'healthier' friendships for your dd

Thought I would update everyone.I spoke to the teacher, who was understanding, but rather vague. She said she would bring up the presents thing in Pshe, which was good, and keep an eye on the friendship. I now feel like a total bitch, but I guess that will inspire me to maybe talk to the mum as well.

Whilst I think it is always a good idea to encourage friendships I can't see that anything you've written makes the girl sound "very, very disturbed". OK if she was ripping the heads off frogs or setting fire to worms or something, but I don't think its fair to spanner a friendship because you don't like her (which is what this sounds like)- especially when your dd doesn't have any other friends. If she is very irritating then presumably when your dd has built up confidence and has other friends she will quietly (and hopefully nicely) drop this other little girl.

I mean you don't want her round because she looks sad and talks in a babyish way??? You can't be serious! Immaturity does not equla being seriously disturbed.

I;d better parp myself in the original meaning of the word or I;ll go off on one.

it does sound like you're being a tiny bit harsh to the annoying friend - she sounds like she needs a bit of support, poor thing . I can understand that she's become kind of the emblem of your dd's social predicament, but it's not really fair to take that out on her.

The friendship as it is now doesn't sound totally healthy, but can't both the girls be encourage to blossom a bit? Possibly her awkwardness around you is because she knows how you feel about her?

It's got to be worth talking to her mum about it, esp as you get on with her.

Hello, I'm just bumping this because there are new developments......having taken on board what everyone said here - and baka I'm sorry if it's parpworthy for you, I don't know your circumstances and didn't mean to cause offence - I had a good old think about this child and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. This is having spoken to the teacher, who sat there giggling and munching haribo but did promise to bring up the issue of presents in pshe. The girl has since been round to our house, and I felt really positive about it at the beginning, but by the end I had reverted to my original conclusions. She seems to have no boundaries and at the end of the evening it took me over an hour to get my dd "back" - it really freaked me. I am seriously worried about this friendship and don't know what to do. Any advice anyone, please ?

bump anyone?

tumbleweed emoticon

I haven't posted because though I can see you are worried I can't see anything so awful about this other girl and I can't see the harm really. What do you mean by 'no boundaries' and 'getting your daughter back'?
Children do often get very silly and excited when they play together.

I haven't posted because though I can see you are worried I can't see anything so awful about this other girl and I can't see the harm really. What do you mean by 'no boundaries' and 'getting your daughter back'?
Children do often get very silly and excited when they play together.

What is she actually doing though? You've described her as disturbed, and needy etc but haven't said what she is doing. At the moment the image I have is if someone who is lonely so trying too hard and therefore a bit irritating and socially clumsy. In which case I think you should leave it alone. BUt if she's doing something more then maybe I've misunderstood.

What do you mean by it took you ages to get your daughter "back"? Do you mean that she was being silly? I don't know, I have boys and it seems to me that quite often boys can wind each other into a silly frenzy. I find that they soon calm down when made to actually sit down and stop running around.

yes - sorry - i'm not explaining it very well, but that's partly because it's just a feeling I have around this child and her effect on my child. Their friendship feels a bit heavenly creaturesish. They seem to want to merge identities, but not in a very healthy way - it doesn't feel fun and silly - as dd does with some other girls she knows - it feels a bit sick and devilish. And I wish she had just been hyper and silly when her friend went, but she wasn't, she was just weird and not herself, and it was like I couldn't get her back.

If she cires all teh time she is with you and displays this worrying behaviour then you must talk to her mum about it. You could phrase it in the way that you are worried that she's not enjoying herself when she's on a play date at your hourse and you want to help her feel more comfortable. That way at least you open up the dialogue with her mum about it.

Others have asked this but what do you mean by boundaries and getting your DD back?

I can't help but feel so sorry for this poor little girl - since reading this thread a few days ago I have worried about her so much.

Heavenl creaturish! Are you worried she's going to kill you then?

Sorry, sick joke.

Have you spoken to your DD about how she feels about her?

I can see where frieda is coming from. The description of the other girl reminds me of a girl at my school, who fastened herself to our group of friends. She was, and is, wierd and selfish. However, her wierdness was diluted somewhat because we were a group.

I agree, that the sole friend situation is not good. It sounds as though the other girl and her family are perfectly aware that people find them odd, but they dont know what to do about it. Splitting them up might be unkind or impossible at this stage though. So, I think that I would take extra care to make sure that my daughter knows what you expect from her in terms of behaviour, especially when it differs from how her friend behaves.

When she is with this girl it is as though I don't exist and as though she - my dd - is acting out at a subconscious level - hence my saying I lose her etc. It's like I need to tackle her at that level, rather than at the behavioural level - which is why I feel slightly out of my depth. (insert crap amateur psych. emoticon - but I hope I am being clear)And the thing that makes me really worried? none of it is fun. and my dd is/was a very fun, sunny, child.

I dont recognise what you are describing, not meaning to say that it doesnt exist!

frida i think i know what you mean - there are people who are needy and just suck you in, children and adults both. i've had a few friendships like this and it's occured to me that i must have some kind of need in me too - i somehow give these people the message that i will look after them and save them... then i end up having to extricate myself! with all the moving your dd has a need for friends too and may have simply taken the path of least resistance as it were...

i know that beagle-eyed look you're talking about! the presents thing is very difficult as well because it is, on the face of it, "generous" abnd "sharing" and so hard to point out that it's actually manipulative and inappropriate.

i think you need to support your dd but in a subtle way - talk about friends and how they help each other and how a person can have lots of different friends, and friendships can change. i bet if she can feel a bit less responsible and sucked in, she'll eventually get other friends and distance herself. much better that way than trying to control things - which might not work and/or you might upset the friend and her mum.