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Parenting

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Original poster

Say something or keep our noses out??

80 replies

reenzeen · 14/06/2011 19:59

Have no kids myself but am currently pregnant, my DH and I spend alot of time with my SIL/BIL and their 2 DD's (2yr and 4yrs) and I love them all to bits but recently its becoming really hard to be with them as all they do when they are in their own home or in their parents company is cry/whige and have tantrums.

The thing is they do this with no one else and are the best behaved children I have ever seen when they are with other family members.

My sil looks after 2 other children during the day and actually spends more time tending to her own 2 who are both older and the other 2 literally never open their mouths and just wait patiently to be feed changed etc.

I know we are no experts and its easy to judge from the outside looking in but they don't seem to realise that they spend all their time crying or having tantrums when in their company.

Is this a normal thing that all kids do with their parents or should I let her know that they only do this when they are at home and that they are just playing up for whatever reason and her DC's are a joy to have when they are not about?

I feel it would help their sanity if they realised this behaviour is not normal and that their kids can be so good elsewhere - its almost like the kid's have split personality's or something.

Or should we just keep our noses out an let them get on with it??

OP posts:

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laptopwieldingharpy · 15/06/2011 03:01

Oh what a smugfest!

OP, you really don't want to go there.....Just enjoy your pregnancy and raise your own child.
You will soon discover that you do not have all the answers.....and that mumsnet is forgiving and a good place to come and whinge yourself.

take good care of yourself

nancydrewfoundaclue · 15/06/2011 04:18

OP please don't say anything .

When you have your own 2 and 4 year old and "get it" you will be ridiculed by bil/sil forever more. All conversations will start with " do you remember when you told us...."

Young children save their "best" for their parents is one of those givens.

SittingBull · 15/06/2011 04:57

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ChunkyPickle · 15/06/2011 05:48

It's very sweet of you to worry, but like everyone else says, kids are always better behaved when away from their parents....

In private mine is a champion whinger, but in public people can't believe such a contented baby exists.

I think I can almost remember being that handful at home and beautifully behaved child when out myself!

AlmaMartyr · 15/06/2011 08:02

Please don't say anything. Loads of children are lovely for other people but little terrors for their parents, it's normal. My DNiece and DNephew were like that, particularly at those ages even though my DSis was (is) a fantastic mother. They are a bit older now and lovely with a great relationship with their parents. Unless there are other concerns too it really doesn't sound like anything to worry about.

trixymalixy · 15/06/2011 08:06

Ha ha ha ha ha. I love these threads where child free folk think they have all the answers.

You'll learn.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 15/06/2011 08:13

All children behave better for other people and save the boundary pushing/ nattering/ whinging for their parents - it's because they feel loved and secure and so feel comfortable pushing them! Lovely eh! If anything these children's bad behaviour with their parents shows just how secure they are in their parent's love for them. all together........ Aaaaawww!

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 09:30

It's not so much the tantrums and crying per se as I know LO's do this alot, it's more the fact that the see their house and or parents and suddenly start crying for no apparent reason- it's like a switch is flipped, they never seem to be crying for any reason like wanting sweet's etc they just cry and eventually stop when get tired or distracted by something else.

Are u all saying that your LO's cry most of the time when they are with u??? Well maybe I have alot to learn then- this baby can stay inside til they are about 7!!

and no I have no issues with my SIL/BIL as someone suggested, love them both to bit's and am closer to them than my own family, hence we spend so much time with them, just wish they could have a nicer time when at home with their LO's, and that people weren't avoiding visiting them at home because of this issue, other family members have commented also but it doesn't bother them as much because they spend less time around SIL and BIL so get to see the kids when they are tantrum free.

We will keep our noses out, but will continue to feel sad over this as SIL has a hard time over other things and I would just love to be able to help her with this, but the mn jury has spoken and I did ask for your opinions!!

OP posts:

Maryz · 15/06/2011 09:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 10:10

maryz most of the time we are just with them in their own house, going through their own routine, so not away on long days out or anything - we live v close so can actually hear them/see them as well when we are not actually there.

When we are all out together they are generally v good.

SIL has lost the plot on a few occasions and asked either one of us to step in and diffuse the situation which she has been glad of- my DH is even used as the person who is called on when there are tantrums to get them to stop as they seem to listen to him more than their parents, i'm not saying we could do a better job we just wanted to show her that possibly a different approach might help things, but I realise no parent is going to want advice from someone who doesn't have children, but I just wish she could see our methods and try them as they seem to work with her DC's.

I'm not being judgey here btw just trying to help someone who I think alot of and would never try to patronise her which is why we have done our best to help so far without actually saying anything.

OP posts:

laptopwieldingharpy · 15/06/2011 10:15

wish you were my SIL, you sound lovely!

piprabbit · 15/06/2011 10:15

If you have a specific idea, which you have tried and proven with your SILs children - then I'm sure she would be happy to hear it.

But don't tell her what she should be doing, or imply that you are intervening because she is doing something wrong.

How about saying something along the lines of: Last time DC did X, I gave Y a try. I was really surprised that it seemed to help. Have you ever tried Y? If you do get a chance to try it, I'd love to know how you get on.

Merlion · 15/06/2011 10:19

I have a 2 nearly 3 year old and so can also identify with many of the things said on here but would also look at it from the children's perspective. They are spending time with their Aunt & Uncle/ GPs etc probably doing things that they wouldn't normally do with their parents on a day to day basis which are probably quite frankly more exciting. My Mum is a great one for telling me how well ds has behaved for her (which seriously grates on me after a while) but then I do think well yes but that is generally because she lets him do what he wants and have what he asks for whereas I would generally say no (certainly in certain circumstances). So he's bound to act as though he prefers being with her than me - I'm the mean one.

PasstheTwiglets · 15/06/2011 10:21

but I just wish she could see our methods and try them as they seem to work with her DC's.

I think your 'methods' work purely because you are a different person, not because your methods are any better. I bet if your SIL did exactly what you do then her kids would still play up for her.

Maryz · 15/06/2011 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur · 15/06/2011 10:41

Tis also true that some people are just better at parenting/looking after children and the OP may be very attuned to these kids.
But it is also true that kids do behave differently when they have people other than their parents about - my DD is pretty well behaved most of the time but can occasionally turn into a monster attention seeking when other people are about!
I think by providing the support and friendship you are helping them already.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 10:50

We take them to our house and days out alot but we can never get the youngest on her own as the 4 yr old would be in hysterics as she is constantly looking people to take her places, we have to sneak home most of the time, we also look after them quite alot as SIL does alot of exercise classes etc (whereas I lie on my pregnant ass most evenings!)

Agree with the attention thing though maryz - esp with the 4yr old who freaks out if the younger one is getting any attention from parents, but this has only started recently.

laptopwieldngharpy don't know whether that was a insult or compliment - but i'm going for insult based on most of the reactions here.

piprabbit would never dream of telling her but kinda wish she would see us getting them to stop and then try the same thing- it may not work for her but it's worth a go at least.

OP posts:

Maryz · 15/06/2011 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 11:00

Yeah the 4 yr old is harder work than the 2 yr old definately,and seems to get worse as she gets older which is wat seems weird.

Will maybe give your suggestion a try but have a feeling 4yr old will be happy this wk and when it comes to when the 2yr old's time to get away she will have to come too, but its worth a go as you have made me realise that the 4yr old never gets her mum to herself- so possibly this is part of the problem. Thanks maryz

OP posts:

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/06/2011 11:07

Reenzeen - please do yourself a favour and back off and stop trying to impose your parenting on your SIL.

This "but I just wish she could see our methods and try them as they seem to work with her DC's." is just massively interfering - she is their mother. You have no kids yet - just wait. It WILL come back to bite you on the bum.

And I'd bet my last pound your SIL can sense you patronising her, even if you haven't spelt it out.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 11:28

She ask's for our help quite a lot which is something she wouldn't do if she felt patronised i'm sure, she also knows that we can calm her DC's down most of the time, we don't interfere but we try to take the burden off her and help her out which she appreciates as BIL works long hours.

If i was in the same situation I would hope my family would help me out too.

OP posts:

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/06/2011 11:34

I would suggest you save a copy of this thread to your computer and look at it again in 4 or 5 years time.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 11:39

Ok then, next time she asks for help or the kids want to come to our house i'll just say no - that'll help her!!

OP posts:

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/06/2011 11:42

Kids play up for their parents, it's what they do. As close as you are, you are not their parents. She may get to the end of her rope and you may be able to help, not saying that you can't. Just, well in the nicest possible way, you've no kids yet, you have no idea what yours are going to be like.

Original poster

reenzeen · 15/06/2011 11:53

The fact that my kids could turn out to be little monster has no bearing on the fact that I can help her out with her's- we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

I know i'm no expert by any means but I spend alot of time with different kids in my family and see alot of different family dynamics, surely you can be good with kids even if you don't have your own, quite alot of highly rated childminders I know don't have kids.

The point I have been tyring to get across is I understand LO's have tantrums but surely not most of the time they spend at home is spent crying?!

OP posts:

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