DD 9 Has Written "Hate Mail"

[Leaveitbabe]

I have just emptied my DDs school bag as it is the weekend. In it I found a letter that she had written on the computer to one her so-called friends. The letter says that she hated her etc etc quite mean for a 9 year old. I would be extremely upset if she had received such a letter. She said her other friend told her to write it.

DD's relationship with her girlfriends is complicated. She doesn?t really have a best friend and is a bit of a floater. There is a particular set of girls that she is desperate to befriend but the Leader is quite formidable. There has been an inter-group falling out and that prompted Leader of the group to ask my DD to write the letter. DD is clearly so desperate to be liked that she did not consider the consequences. The letter was not handed out but I think it is pretty serious and not sure where to go in terms of punishment.

DD is mortified that she has been found out but I am not sure she fully appreciates the seriousness of the situation.

Just wondered what other parents would do in this situation.

She has been sent to bed with minimal food (that?s a big a deal)
We are wondering whether to speak to her teacher or the Leader?s parents.

Thanks for listening.

I don't understand sending her to bed with minimal food, that punishment in my opinion is bizarre.

Re the letter, I would seek an appointment with the teacher ASAP and discuss this before going to the parents.

I would give my DD the benefit of the doubt at this stage, as you don't know what has prompted this letter. Perhaps the girl has been a complete bitch and the girl has vented by writing stuff without the intent to send it....

Hi

DD loves her food so going to bed with very little food is a really big deal to her.

The scenario as told is that Leader fell out with one of the girls and ask DD to write the letter to the girl . It was not my DD's argument. Personally I would have told Leader to do it herself but clearly DD doesn't think like that.

Whatever the circumstances you should NEVER use food as punishment, it is setting her up for eating disorders. Seriously. I understand you are upset with her behaviour but that is neither helpful to the situation nor kind.

Me - I'd take a meal on a tray to her room so she can eat without being 'rewarded' by company. Agree withholding food is an archaic and cruel reaction. Then tomorrow sit and discuss with her how she would feel if she got that letter, how she can deal with being between cliques in a better way and if the letter genuinly didn't get read by anyone else then leave it there.

If the letter was actually read then an apology letter would seem sensible.

Give the poor kid her tea now please!

Sounds like this leader is bullying your dd and making her do things that she wouldn't normally do. A word with the teacher is definitely needed hear. Your dd needs to know that what this leader did is wrong.

Agree with crazycarol really.

However, I don't want to sound harsh but I've never seen anyone admit that 'my child is the ringleader/leader here' ....probably with good reason as no dc is going to admit that and we all want to think the best of our dc's. I'm not saying yours is....in fact it honestly sounds like she's not.

If that letter got sent the girl who got it would feel terrible and your daughter would be a bully - the victim wouldn't really care about the reason why she did it.

I'm honestly not having a go but just hope you realise the implications of what is happening here. As the victim of severe bullying myself I'm aware hearing situations like this do bring out an emotional response in me.

So, for all the above reasons..yes, i strongly recommend following carol's advice as a starting point.

@slambang rest assured she did have a meal on a tray - we did not starve her!

@crazycarol I think she is being manipulated by the Leader but not sure how to deal with it. I have heard them together and there is a fair amount of psychological nonsense that occurs. It is clear my daughter is a follower.

We did have a long discussion last night about thinking independently and knowing right from wrong. DD is mortified that we found the letter. I have asked her to consider how she would feel if she had received it. The girl has not seen the letter so there is no further implication there but I have made it clear that no matter who motivated her to write the letter, if my DD had sent then she would be the bully.

Thank you for your feedback.

Hi OP, I have 9 yr old DD. I can understand how you feel, and also your reaction to send her to bed with minimum food. I think I might have reacted similar with the shock.

Have you discussed with her what would have likely happened if the other girl received the letter? i.e. Escalation to the school, meeting with that girls parents & teachers, etc.. Understanding probable consequences should help her make better decisions in future.

I know my DD can't think through all situations the whole way to consequences. My DD would likely have thought this through as far as the girl will feel awful (which is terrible on its own), but would not have realized the amount of trouble she would get into herself when found out.

Can you limit the amount of time your DD spends with the 'leader'?