the wrong type of love.......................very long one, sorry.

[zumarud]

hello, I've read threads about this topic before, but i desperately need some new insights.

My 6,5 year old dd is i think extremely immature - in a very specific way. she needs to play being very very young - 2 or 3 - a lot. This comprises talking in a baby voice and generally behaving in a silly way. And her play is generally at the same level as her 4 year old sister's - ie she will always go down to her sister's level rather than making her sister come up to hers. This is the same even with her sister's friends. I find the extent of her need slightly worrying and I'm also concerned that she is only mixing at school with the rather immature, babyish kind of girls.
Clearly she has a need to relieve stress or to behave in a babyish way, but can I teach her to pick her moments, or help her outgrow this need, or do I need to swallow my discomfort and just love and accept that this is where she's at? I've had several incidents recently where I've picked her up from a friend's house and the mother has said - oh, xxx (my dd) only wanted to play babies and my daughter doesn't really do this any more. And I've notied that the more sophisticated, dynamic girls have stopped inviting her over.
The background is that we have had an unsettled few years, moving about a lot. Also post my dd2 I had postpartum psychosis and severe pnd, and I couldn't cope with my dd1s need to be babied when I had a new baby. I think I was overly harsh with her and that this has probably not helped her, but I really think she is "stuck" in this age, emotionally, and I want her to move on, not least because she's a very clever, imaginative girl who is selling herself short on the friends front, but also because little girls are very cruel to each other and obviously I want her to be a winner.

wow that was long. Sorry. Any ideas?

I don't quite understand some of your comments.

" or do I need to swallow my discomfort and just love and accept that this is where she's at" Er.. whats the alternative???? Not loving and accepting?

And I don't know if "sophisticated, dynamic girls" is a description of ANY 6 yr old.

I can understand you wanting her to fit in with the other kids her age, but maybe she feels this is the only way she can get attention from you as this is how your younger dd gets attention? My ds (4.5) has started to act very babyish now that dd (16mths) is a toddler and not a baby anymore. I haven't really considered it anything to be worried about and just hope he grows out of it.

And sorry I don't understand the title.... The wrong type of love?????

I think you might have answered your own question with the " think I was overly harsh with her and that this has probably not helped her, but I really think she is "stuck" in this age, emotionally, and I want her to move on" remark.

Perhaps she is trying to get your attention away from the younger child. Try spending some time with her on her own doing some 6 year old things together, arts and crafts etc. Although there is nothing wrong with playing babies. My 6 year old and her friends at school do it at break time - someone is mum, someone is baby etc.

Some kids grow up very quick and others dont. Dss has always been very young for his age and even now at 14 plays with Lego and loves painting and sticking and he has the great excuse that he is helping his little sister out . I can understand that you wnat yor daughter to be popular at school etc but I think kids grow up too quick these days and you are lucky to have a little girl that want to remain a child rather than a 6 yr old who acts like a teenager.

all I can advise is to give her lots of attention and love and cuddles and also play lots of games with her.

My 7 yo dd likes to play babies and loves it when I play the mummy. It doesn't worry me.

About the friends thing - who is "out" and who is "in" changes all the time at this age. The ones who rejected her last month might be her best friends next month. I try not to read to much into it.

Think I understand a bit of where you are.

My dd (6yrs) plays with her brother in a very silly fashion (he is 3 3/4) when she gets back from school and it drives me potty.

I see some of her pals who go home and do activities or can take themselves off to their rooms to read etc,and I think they seem more grounded more emotionally secure etc.

In one respect I guess she is just 'relaxing' after a hard day at school, and being silly is one way to do it.

On the other hand I do see her emotional development as more patchy than some of her friends, and yes I guess I feel somewhat to blame (difficult baby/toddler etc etc)

Not sure there is any 1 answer, but I think kbear is in the right direction - more 1-1 time to do things with her, rather than vying for attention with ds.

my 5.5 year old dd1 also likes to play mummies and babies. it drives me potty too, but luckily she plays it with her sister not with me.

it does seem babyish and i do think she's not as sophisticated or mature as some of her friends. but I do think it's quite common to want to be babied, especially maybe for those with little siblings (I have two younger dds besides dd1).

and sometimes I'm glad she seems young for her age, at least she's not into makeup and clothes yet!

Psychologically, often children (and adults) who have missed a normal stage in life or had an unsatisfactory experience of it have a very strong need to go through through those developmental stages at a later date. You might say Britney's absolute rejection of her record company bosses and her rebellion is her need to have the teenage years she missed being on the corporate treadmill, for example.
In your dd's case she may have had an unsatisfactory and incomplete experience of toddlerhood and now she needs to immerse herself in it in order to experience it fully.
Also, she may well have been very upset by your illness (obviously NOT your fault, of course) and this is her way of comforting herself. Also she will have seen her baby sister getting attention for being a baby, and have therefore unconciously decided to be one herself. Plus, of course, she is still very, very young.
Whatever the reason I suspect the best thing you can do is to completely accept her and love her as she is and forget about deliberately 'moving her on'. She won't be like this at 16. She will move herself on. When she goes to other girl's houses you might want to gently ask her to suggest other games she could play - or get her some games like bead threading or something to take with her.
I too am a bit stunned by the idea of sophisticated and dynamic six year olds!

Btw not a psychologist myself, but this was once explained to me by someone quite eminent.

shes only 6 though, shes a little girl - whats wrong with playing babies? Kids grow up to quick these days anyway, just let her be who she is.

Thanks all. Sackache, I suppose the alternative to just accepting that this is her, is trying to do something proactive about what I consider to be a problem. Obviously I have strong feelings of discomfort, shame, anger and sadness about it, otherwise I wouldn't have posted. I can't just pretend the feelings aren't there, because they are, and I think they might even be making her behave MORE like that.

Round our way - big city - there are DEFINITELY sophisticated dynamic 6 year olds, and they feel MILES away from where dd is at.
Aloha that is interesting and very helpful. Thank you. My huge fear is, what if she doesn't move on on her own?

but shes only 6!!!!!

I am SURE she will move on. People do, they just can't help it! She may be young for her years for some time, but frankly, there is something endearing about innocence sometimes. You might want to chat with her about the games she plays with friends and let her come up with alternative ideas, but let her immerse herself in her baby world at home. YOu could even really baby her like mad for a while so she gets her fill of it. Just an idea.
My son is also quite socially immature so we do chat about things like that and I also recognise how feelings of fear (how will they cope? Will they be OK? Will they have any friends?)can end up expressing themselves as anger and I sympathise with that. We just have to try to crush those feelings as hard as we can, which is difficult sometimes I agree.

Yes - of course she is only 6 - but she wants to be 2. You are all talking immense common sense, but this is an emotional thing. How do I let her be if I find it totally painful and disturbing that she behaves like that? And if you notice, some of you who posted about your kids having similar behaviours have kids who are 2 or 3 years younger than mine. Perhaps the problem is mine, rather than hers, but it is a problem, nonetheless.

sorry aloha we cross posted. That was in response to Tamba. what you say interests me. What do you do to "crush your anger"? I already see girls in her class rolling their eyes at some of her behaviours. I feel furious, and frankly want to deck them, and her.

I would much rather my 6 yr old dd was babyish/immature than "dynamic and sophisticated" anyday! I know what you mean though I think - my dd is 14, loves drawing, writing fantasy stories, listening to music, being sill with her mates and nothing like my friend's dd who is also 14 but smokes, drinks, has sex with her b/f's and goes out all the time. Which would you prefer?

Without meaning to sound harsh, it seems like you have the problem, not your dd. Don't rush her into growing up and stop feeling guilty for your illness when she was a baby. Gently encourage her sometimes to play what you would consider more age appropriate games but don't force it.

I think im just misunderstanding you cause i cant see a problem

My DD is 10 and all she wants for Christmas are Bratz dolls ( grown up barbie ).
Some of her "sophisticated" friends( who incidently have older siblings ) are wearing high heels and make up !!

DD knows that she is a little bit "babyish" so hides these toys when she invites others around.

How's about inviting some of her mates and have a bake it .... now everyone likes that !
HTH

mmm sorry "bake-in" not it !!

oh i do understand and i think it is common to feel angry and ashamed but i think to see thay feare is at the root of these feelings can help - if i realise i am scared but am acting angry (all down to the flight or flight effects of adrenaline i suspect)then i feel it helps me get a grip a bit. i don't always succeed and it takes enormous willpower sometimes. also you do need to develop your 'fuck 'em' reflex. I mean who gives a toss about what a six year old thinks? anyone who judges your dd is not a nice person. Yes, do help her and guide her gently with social norms If she needs it (by which I mean if she would like more friends but can't make or keep them, or if she becomes embarassed by her behaviour) but don't let it consume you. Focuss on all the lovely things about her - she sounds very kind, esp to her sister and her sister's friends, for example and try to hang on to those. And forgive yourself for being ill too.

sorry I haven't had time to read all the responses which are probably much more appropriate than those of a mum of only a 3-year-old. But my little dd plays in really rather a different way to other 3 and 4-year-old girls. They are getting very into pink, dressing up, bothering about their clothes. Mine's mad on cuddly toys and me pretending to be a large friendly snowman. As a result at playgroup she's a total loner, the other girls don't even seem to see her she looks so different. I've suggested some pink clothes (against my preferred judgment) but she says they look like bird poo.

Although on one hand I would love to think of her 'fitting in' with her social circle, to be honest deep down I actually rather prefer her odd imaginative little world. And that she goes her own way rather than 'fitting in.'

I suppose this gets harder to say as they get older and like in so many other ways I will be eating my words.

Emotional trauma can produce reactions such as your dd1 is displaying. Regression or non-movement of behaviour patterns that are compulsive or repetitive in mannerism can be indications that your dd has trauma about something in the past.

You both could benefit from body healing, which means not too much thinking and analysing. But feeling through the emotional responses.

This site may be of help / interest to you... HERE

Swings your daughter sounds absolutely gorgeous, eccentric and fantastic.LOVE the bird poo thing. Please don't worry about her. She sounds like a true original.

My dd2 is like this and I am never ever worried about her in the same way as dd1.

Papillon thanks. It sounds fantastic - no talking, hurrah.

Aloha, you are obviously a better woman than I am, or at least have more self control...more maturity........ I like what you say about only butting in if I sense she wants me to.

Thanks all you've given me lots to think about.

zumarud, have her teachers made any comments? My ds (now 6.5) had problems with his social skills (although mostly with trying to play with older boys who really didn't want to play with him) and the school had him seen by a social and communications expert who really helped with some whole class things (like learning how to play new games, buddies etc). If the school is not concerned, then you probably need to think about how you can cope better with her games with her sister at home (which sound like they really wind you up) I had a similar issue with ds/dd because their games were just so annoying! In some ways you are probably quite lucky, in that your dd isn't asking you to be the baby/mummy (my dd (now 5) used to try and persuade me to play this sort of game, and it drove me round the bend - I don't even like babies!). So can you avoid them if they play baby games? I used to say that they could only play them in their bedroom. Also you could try getting some toys/games/activities that might encourage different games. I wouldn't worry if your dd has friends that are also a bit more babyish, so long as she has friends. Children develop at very different rates, and it may be that these girls will turn out to be excellent friends in the long run. Maybe you need to find something for you and your dd to do that you both enjoy, that you feel stretches her?

Sorry about typing! Was feeding dd! It looks like olde Englishe