the wrong type of love.......................very long one, sorry.

[zumarud]

hello, I've read threads about this topic before, but i desperately need some new insights.

My 6,5 year old dd is i think extremely immature - in a very specific way. she needs to play being very very young - 2 or 3 - a lot. This comprises talking in a baby voice and generally behaving in a silly way. And her play is generally at the same level as her 4 year old sister's - ie she will always go down to her sister's level rather than making her sister come up to hers. This is the same even with her sister's friends. I find the extent of her need slightly worrying and I'm also concerned that she is only mixing at school with the rather immature, babyish kind of girls.
Clearly she has a need to relieve stress or to behave in a babyish way, but can I teach her to pick her moments, or help her outgrow this need, or do I need to swallow my discomfort and just love and accept that this is where she's at? I've had several incidents recently where I've picked her up from a friend's house and the mother has said - oh, xxx (my dd) only wanted to play babies and my daughter doesn't really do this any more. And I've notied that the more sophisticated, dynamic girls have stopped inviting her over.
The background is that we have had an unsettled few years, moving about a lot. Also post my dd2 I had postpartum psychosis and severe pnd, and I couldn't cope with my dd1s need to be babied when I had a new baby. I think I was overly harsh with her and that this has probably not helped her, but I really think she is "stuck" in this age, emotionally, and I want her to move on, not least because she's a very clever, imaginative girl who is selling herself short on the friends front, but also because little girls are very cruel to each other and obviously I want her to be a winner.

wow that was long. Sorry. Any ideas?

quite nice actually aloha...do like feare !!

btw zumarud, my dd befriends children in reception (she's yr2) and that worries me a bit...

but she says. 'they're cute'

So maybe my worries and hers are actaully poles apart.
And yep I agree 'tis me with the problem really.

I s'pose I'm with Tamba on this one. I don't see that your dd has a problem at all.... but you clearly do for this to irritate to the point that you "feel furious, and frankly want to deck them, and her".

You're dd is craving the attention from you that she lacked during her early years. I too suffered badly from PND for the 1st 18mths of ds's life. I overly shower him with affection now in a desperate attempt to compensate for my lack of ability to do it when he was a baby.

But you must see from the majority of posts that this doesn't seem to be that abnormal..... well not to the extent that you feel it is. This is on the most part your problem..... and you seem to have been given very good advice on a way forward. Hope it works out for you all.

zumarud, you've had some excellent advice here regardint he effects of your illness. I just wanted to add that I also have a 6.5 yr old dd, she has two younger siblings and plays babies all the time. She crawls around, talks babyish etc when she's into a baby-game and it's never crossed my mind that there's anything wrong about it. What I do find wrong/weird is her friends being into MTV and dreaming of becoming popstars, and being into make-up. And being sophisticated and dynamic?! Is this really what you want for your dd?

Zumarud....just a thought to add to the heap; I do agree with the spending 1 on 1 time with your DD, giving her some of the attention you feel she missed out on...I would certainly do that. Might be healing for both of you, and certainly can't do any harm. I'd probably spend some of that time playing with her with little dolls/animals, encouraging her to create stories....sometimes thats a good, gentle way for kids to express deeper fears and feelings and move themselves 'on'. That might not 'fit' for you, or your DD...just a thought.

Also, if YOU have unresolved pain/grief/guilt about your PND it might help to talk it through some more...it never ceases to amaze me how much DD responds to me taking care of myself!

Wishing you well.

Thank you all. I do spend one on one time with her when I can - it's not often as my dp is away most of the time - and when I do it's often stuff we have to do, like reading or practise. But I take her to a cafe every saturday morning when the younger one is at dancing, and we hang out and read, and it's lovely. And we do have loads of different toys in the house. But yes, unadulterated time with her, playing with her, just doesn't really happen that much.

No the school hasn't said anything, yet. She's academically very able, and very bossy to boot - which is why this bit of her feels like a bit that is just stuck in toddler age - that's kind of split off from the rest of her.

Of course I don't want her to be a little adult. I think borrowing the trappings of adolescence at 6 is frankly sick. So when I say she's immature, it's not that I'm craving for her to be street and sassy. No, I'm all for pinafores and messing about in woods - so in that sense I'm certainly not trying to make her grow up too soon - it's just that she seems to need to be 2, a lot - and will often talk in a baby voice, and she seems to enjoy it when people think she is younger.

aloha I am all for olde englishe too.

how about steeling yourself to play babies with her for x minutes a day .. and really going above board ... holding and treating her like a baby ... in fact forcing her to do it (as in persuading)

maybe as soon as she gets that kind of attention from you it will be enough and she'll start to equalise

I am afraid that I totally understand your irritation .. I don't like 'babyish' games from older children in the main .,. not when they're obsessively insistent

zumarud - my children are late developers. Especially ds1, who has often asked for toys for Christmas, that officially he is supposed to have grown out of.

Think Twiglett is on to a very good idea there...maybe 'playing babies' with her, ie giving her permission to be the baby she wants to be with her mummy, for a contained period of time per day/week/whatever you can manage will help her need it less the rest of the time. Understand how hard it must be to FIND the time, though!

many, many thanks everyone. some really sound advice there. I am goign to try and steal myself to play babies with her, and I have totally gone against my instincts in allowing her granny to buy her a plastic weeing mewling puking pooing belching doll for christmas. I will have to have her keep it out of my sight though as otherwise I might draw a moustache on it/amputate a limb.

I will let you know what happens.
Thanks.
z.

Zumarud - I was still playing with baby dols until I was MUCH older than your DD!
Don't all 6yr old girls play with baby dolls?

gosh yes - I think I only stopped playing with dolls when I was about 11. It really doesn't sound like it's your dd who has a problem. Maybe you need to adjust your ideas of what 6 year old girls should be like?

Zumarud - I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your attitude seems a bit odd to me. Wee girls play with dolly's. Thats normal.

"I feel furious, and frankly want to deck them, and her"

fwiw, your DD doesn't sound at all 'abnormal' for a 6 year old. Give her a break. It sounds like you have anger issues yourself. Best of luck in gettng help for those

NDP - Completely agree! This thread actually rings alarm bells in my head.

What the hell do you want a 6yr old girl to play with if she's not playing with dolls?

"I want her to be a winner"

The tone of the original post is very competitive and uncomfortable.

steady on now you two, she has come on for advice, don't send her away by being judgemental.

Breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out

xx

I know, I know, but the more I read it, the more uncomfortable it makes me. Maybe I should leave it alone and just say that I hope the poster can get help with being a bit kinder to her DD.

OO - Doesn't it concern you that she seems to be getting very angry at her dd for wanting to play with dolls and acting a bit bayish sometimes????? I think Zumarud needs to know that HER behaviour is abnormal and not her dd's..... hopefully then she can relax and let her dd be a 6yr old and grow up in her own time.

Is nobody else confused or concerned about the title of this thread????? "Wrong kind of love???"

Have to say, that last post concerns me too Z...you sound angry at babies. Did you have support with the PND at the time?

when I saw the title, before I read the post, I thought it was a sexually-related one. Obviously, that's not what it's about, it was the first thing I thought when I read the thread title.

I know, but I think she is aware of that from the posts that have been posted already and I didn't want it to go nasty and pear shaped.

Not that you and NDP are nasty you understand

x

In fact, Z, if it was me, I think I'd need to sort out my own feelings about babies/'babyishness' before trying to help my DD. Have you considered that she's probably still reacting to something you haven't yet sorted out in yourseslf?

OO - I don't think she has realised AT ALL! Did you read the last post!

...so if we're not nasty.... does that mean you still think we're Pear-shaped?

NDP - Thats exactly what I thought. And I still can't work out how it relates to the actual subject.

Ok ok. the baby doll thing was an ill-judged joke. I'm sorry if it misfired. I hate plastic dollies, particularly the battery operated ones. That doesn't mean that I hate babies, ffs, even if I had PND. nor does it mean you need to call childline. Obviously nuance is hard to put over online. I apologise if I alarmed anyone.

having said that,I do feel ganged up on. And why are you so obsessed with the title of the thread? why does it matter? The wrong kind of love is the kind of love that makes you over-interfere in your children's life, ie worry too much about who their friends are, what they are turning out like, etc etc. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering if she will be ok. that is the wrong kind of love, as it is a waste of my energy and doesn't get us anywhere. Geddit?

Like others who have posted, I have reasons for worrying that my daughter is turning out immature. It is nothing to do with playing with dolls per se, as you would have realised if you had read the whole thread. Why are you so literal minded?

I'm a new poster - I've been lurking for a f of a long time, and now I realise why. I'm slightly appalled that someone who is genuinely trying to sort out a problem - which I am, and I've had some good advice - can be ganged up on in this way. As you will have read, I'm totally aware that it's my problem too. And I thought mumsnet was supposed to be supportive and nonjudgmental.

Some of you love a bunfight, eh. Perhaps you could learn to read properly before jumping to conclusions.

OK, well yes, I was a bit alarmed - joke didnt' work, but I hear you. Still think it was angry-sounding joke....but good for you, if you know you still have stuff to deal with (know what thats like!) and do it - and good for you if it helps your DD too.