Am I too strict?

[violaswamp]

Hi everyone, just wanted some opinions....

I consider myself to be fairly strict in my parenting style. What I mean (roughly) is: I insist on manners, my dcs have a bedtime, I cook one meal for everyone with no alternatives and no dessert if they don't eat the meal, my dcs have to speak respectfully to people, be quiet in public when necessary, they have to listen to me and they are told off if they do something unacceptable etc etc. They also have to help in the house. I'm not saying they are always perfectly behaved, but I expect good behaviour.

However, we also have lots of fun, they get lots of praise, we have days when I don't mind what they eat and times when they can stay up late. I'm also not that bothered about noise in the house as long as it's happy noise, they can get dirty, have friends over mostly when they want and choose what they want to do within reason. I limit tv and computer time though.

My parenting instinct, for want of a better way to put it, is that I like kids and enjoy spending time with them and watching them develop, but I don't take any crap. Recently, however, I've been getting some comments from other mums that I'm "really strict". I'm honestly not looking so much for reassurance here as opinions on whether I am expecting too much and should back off a bit.

To give an example (for those that are still reading!): My 8 year old DS just got a go-kart for his birthday. All the kids in the street are understandably suddenly his best friend. He's been good about letting others have a turn, but then yesterday he came in with a bit of it broken off, saying one of the boys had kicked it really hard. He was so upset. Luckily it's still working, but still. I went out and asked what happened. The boys all said that a particular boy had kicked it. He had gone by that time. I asked DS if he had apologised, he said no. The boy's older brother was there and heard me saying (to nobody in particular) that it was such a shame and I was not happy that he had only had the go-kart for a week and already someone had done that. I left it there, but as I went inside I heard one boy saying "Why is your mum so angry?" Anyway it must have got back to the mum as she came up to me at school this morning and said she heard I was annoyed but these things happen with boys. I just said it was really a shame for DS and he was upset, then she started talking about something else so she obviously didn't think it was a big deal.

It's not just that incident but a few things like this plus comments from people are making me doubt my instinct!

Thanks for reading.

"very disrespectful when possessions are not respected" sounds a bit twattish [sigh] oh you all know what i mean - it's been a long day....

Cqn I offer a bit from my perspective as a mother of kids brought up pretty strictly who are now young adults (21 and 18).

Of course I'm biased, but I consider that they're great people . They're well disciplined, work very hard, confident, polite, and friendly to pretty well everyone they meet, they can go anywhere and feel they'll fit in, they're very successful in both setting and reaching their goals, they're physically fit and healthy. They're also both very kind to people around them because I've always strongly encouraged them to be as respectful of other people as they are of themselves.

I feel the key to successful 'strict' parenting is to make it clear as you can to the kids that the strictness isn't the work of an empty dictatorship - ie, you, the parent! - but keep it clear that this is all part of loving them: try to explain what's happening, and if it's appropriate, why it's happening, and always keep in your mind who's benefiting from this disciplined approach: I always thought that my kids would be able to be stronger, more independent adults if I set strong boundaries for them while they were young. And I feel my approach worked well; if I wasn't willing to set those early boundaries they needed, who would?

Kids can't develop a real sense of self discipline, restraint and self respect if they haven't had clear boundaries, limits and respect shown to them, can they?

I never worried about the odd tantrum; after all, I was the adult, I was in charge, and I took my responsibilities very seriously - I wanted/still want my kids to be as happy and confident and successful as they can be, and being able to cope with minor disappointments had to be part of their growing up.

Also want to say that their teenage years were incredibly easy - the odd blip, redrawing those boundaries, little bits of rebellion - but by and large, easy.

And these two kids are almost completely different characters, so one important common factor in their upbringing was me being pretty strict, especially when they were younger (before about age 11). After age 11 I encouraged them to set their own boundaries while respecting mine ( and other people's), that seemed to be a very big part of parenting teenagers.

So I'd encourage everyone to be loving-but-strict when your kids are little; makes life miles easier when they get older! And is great for the kids!

It must be so great to get them to adulthood and look on them as wonderful people. We are just approaching the teenage years with our eldest, not sure what to expect really! At the moment I accept some "discussion" but there's a fine line between that and arguing just to have to last word. It's all in the attitude and tone I think.

I agree that children look to thir parents for boundaries and seem happier overall when the boundaries are clear, even though they often seem to resist those boundaries superficially. My friend's daughter, for example, goes to bed really late because she constantly gets up after being put to bed, saying she's hungry, thirsty, scared, anything she can think of. My friend truly does not see the manipulation and said she would feel cruel doing what I do, i.e. setting a bedtime and insisting dcs stay in their rooms without a seriously good reason to come out! But the way I see it, my dcs get enough sleep whereas her daughter is always tired during the day.

In another family I know, the dcs are allowed to draw all over the walls - they don't want to curb their self-expression. Funnily enough, other adults have a problem with their walls being painted and stopped inviting these kids over. Rather over-the-top example of setting your own boundaries not making you happy!

Why do you think some people have such a hard time setting boundaries?

They don't want to upset them Viola, it is insecurity and the feeling their DC won't love them if they say 'no'.

I am all for self expression-but only when it doesn't upset others.
I also think that a lot of daily life is boring and you need routines to just get on and do it-I couldn't stand a daily argument just to stay in bed or get dressed.
I parented like you superdragonmama and like the end result. They fit in happily anywhere.

You're not strict, you sound like a good parent who will turn out very well balanced children who will turn into very decent adults. The other mother may well struggle with her DS as he gets older if he's allowed to get away with stuff like that. But that's her look out!

Hope so matana!

Indeed each to their own. Aside from the long-term view, I couldn't cope day to day with wild (ok even wilder than they are already) kids who I can't say no to!

I do agree with disipline,and i do say No to certain thing.I must say that i am happy the way my DC behave,and i do get comment from other poeple that my DC are well behaved,have good manner,helpfull,and able to show sympathy...
My delima here is ,all this hard work I am putting on disiplining them,and making them grow into polite ,happy,confident adults,will it work? and make it at the end? As My DH is not involved in the disipline,He's got no input,because he doesn't know how to deal with situations.Lets say if he gets the chance,he will make the situation even worse.So the conclusion is Iam in charge.
Has anyone been in same situation,and at the end DC grow up as you hoped?
Many thanks.

preciousmum - I wonder if your DH not disciplining is a good thing?

I have been wondering this as my DH works long hours so can be a bot of a softy when he's with the kids as he doesn't want to be the bad guy. But I have really pushed him to do as I do (so we are consistent) and I have noticed that DS has taken it more on board.

What do the more experienced disciplinarians think?

I think that you need to sit down with DH and talk about it, you need to be consistent. I don't know how old they are, but as they get older they may well be able to manipulate the situation to suit themselves e.g. mummy' says 'no' so they go and ask daddy who says 'yes' and they can play one off against the other.Mummy is then the loser because she is the 'mean' one.
It is important to back each other up in front of the DC and have a united front, if you disagree discuss it away from the DC.

I Totally agree with you exoticfrui.the thing is DH likes my paranting aproach,and he's happy with the outcome from the DC,but when it comes to dealing with situation himself ,he doesnt know how to handle it.It is so difficult,I can comment on every little thing.
I find it so easy when he's not around,this must sound awful,but that is the truth.Well to be honest he's not around anyway!!! That is an other story.

I suspect that if he isn't around much he wants the time he is there to be happy, and doesn't want to come home and discipline. I think the most you can do is make sure he backs you up.

Just remember they will be bigger than you one day..........grrrr