Am I too strict?

[violaswamp]

Hi everyone, just wanted some opinions....

I consider myself to be fairly strict in my parenting style. What I mean (roughly) is: I insist on manners, my dcs have a bedtime, I cook one meal for everyone with no alternatives and no dessert if they don't eat the meal, my dcs have to speak respectfully to people, be quiet in public when necessary, they have to listen to me and they are told off if they do something unacceptable etc etc. They also have to help in the house. I'm not saying they are always perfectly behaved, but I expect good behaviour.

However, we also have lots of fun, they get lots of praise, we have days when I don't mind what they eat and times when they can stay up late. I'm also not that bothered about noise in the house as long as it's happy noise, they can get dirty, have friends over mostly when they want and choose what they want to do within reason. I limit tv and computer time though.

My parenting instinct, for want of a better way to put it, is that I like kids and enjoy spending time with them and watching them develop, but I don't take any crap. Recently, however, I've been getting some comments from other mums that I'm "really strict". I'm honestly not looking so much for reassurance here as opinions on whether I am expecting too much and should back off a bit.

To give an example (for those that are still reading!): My 8 year old DS just got a go-kart for his birthday. All the kids in the street are understandably suddenly his best friend. He's been good about letting others have a turn, but then yesterday he came in with a bit of it broken off, saying one of the boys had kicked it really hard. He was so upset. Luckily it's still working, but still. I went out and asked what happened. The boys all said that a particular boy had kicked it. He had gone by that time. I asked DS if he had apologised, he said no. The boy's older brother was there and heard me saying (to nobody in particular) that it was such a shame and I was not happy that he had only had the go-kart for a week and already someone had done that. I left it there, but as I went inside I heard one boy saying "Why is your mum so angry?" Anyway it must have got back to the mum as she came up to me at school this morning and said she heard I was annoyed but these things happen with boys. I just said it was really a shame for DS and he was upset, then she started talking about something else so she obviously didn't think it was a big deal.

It's not just that incident but a few things like this plus comments from people are making me doubt my instinct!

Thanks for reading.

Um...the older ones mainly watch films, often we all watch together at the weekends. The youngest still likes Peppa Pig and all that....

We just got the horrible histories dvds - they are very good!

Hmmm, I think sometimes though not allowing certain things is not quite as good as you might think for eg, children who arent allowed telly so actually miss out on a lot of educational stuff and also somethimes if parents think it is better to not give sweet treats so give savoury ones which may then be full of salt. You see what I mean?

I don't think you are too strict - well done - I expect please & thank you's too from a 2 & a 3 year old...

I don't quite agree on the biscuits/treats things, especially when friends are coming over... as a young child I wasn't allowed to even ask friends back and as a child that made me feel awkward and 'different' and whilst it sounds like you are doing fantastic, I worry about your kids getting 'stick' or maybe teased by their friends...

I'd give in to a few more treats and make your home a welcoming one for their friends...

You sound fine-DCs don't need snacks-you can be a fun place without!
I don't think that anyone is going to be teased for not having biscuits!

We do have them sometimes - I bake with the kids and they bring the cakes etc to their friends. There hasn't been any teasing yet, that I know of. But I agree that they shouldn't be squashed - they would probably only rebel anyway.

hi violet swamp i think you sound like a really great loving parent, rules and boundaries are good as you say sweets and biscuits can be had occasionalyl and saying no is a good thing, I think that it not so loving to allow your child to do just what he/she wants without consideration for other people as they could end up with no friends and everyone avoiding them as too brattish

my DD is only 18months but I still expect somethings like her to stop when i say no, i dont expect her to remember so I say no often and when she stops and comes back to me I praise her, our particular battle is not to pull all the books off the shelves it is not practical to move them and she needs to learn that just because she can reach it , it does not mean she can have it, so she hears that's mummy's and this is hername's.
even though she is not being deliberately naughty i still stop her as its not ok for her to break other peoples stuff and i need her to listen to stop and no as it will keep her safe
have managed to treach her to give me her plate or dish when had enough to eat rather than tipping upside down or pushing noto floor
I let her do stuff though, with me watching like climbing etc try not to be a helicopter; it is difficult to know when to say no and when to leave as its not really doing any harm, glad your DS got lego i guess its a sort of apology

EVERYTHING you do, i do. and i mean everything. limited TV, healthy snacks, early bed times, only one family meal provided, politeness, table manners, lots of humour, lots of mess and play with friends.

You aren't too strict. Lots of people I know are the same. I live in a nice small middle class community orientated town. Nice families and nice kids on the whole. Maybe in other environments people might think i was too strict?

Maybe your DCs are very young skybluepearl and you are not onto the teenage phase? I live in a very similar place and yet when my DCs say 'everyone has a TV in their bedroom' etc then everyone generally does.

Slightly different question but how much difference do you think it makes in the long-term?

Just thinking about this as my dcs can be little nightmares at times even though I'm strict, so would they be worse if I wasn't? The 2 mums I probably see most of are very permissive, but I wonder if in a few years you can really tell the difference in the dcs, or if most of it's down to personality? I realise this is not simple, I'm just wondering aloud!

Could be because of the frustrating day I had yesterday....

I was with these 2 mums. The 5 year old daughter of one of them took some snacks out of my bag. I took them back and said you don't just take, you have to ask, and it's up to your mum if you're allowed to eat some. She started to howl and the mum came running over saying "what happened?" and when I explained, she took the snack bag from me and gave it to her daughter, who immediately stopped crying. I said I didn't think she should give it back especially when she was screaming, but she just said "oh, that's little kids for you." I was

Then the son of the other mum started whining for ice-cream. She ignored him for a while then sighed and said "ok, ok". She then complained to me that he was whining like a baby all the time (he is also 5). I suggested that she does not have to give him ice-cream, she can say no. She said that no, he would cry. At this point the boy started shouting "NOW! NOW!" and she wearily got up and went to get the ice-cream. Good grief. I'm not making this up. It's annoying as I have to look like the witch every time I don't buy a treat when we're out. I sometimes do, but they don't get it every time.

The thing is, I've had both of these kids over to our house without the mums, and they've been fine, no whining, listened to me etc. They CAN behave very nicely. So they have obviously worked out that they can manipulate mum but possibly not other adults. I think they are also fine at school. How can the parents not see this?????!!!!! But, does it make that much difference in the end, apart from the parents having to put up with being dictated to which they obviously don't mind that much otherwise they would do something about it?

Sorry for long waffle....

Wow, Viola..
I'm pretty much of your school of parenting (can't actually remember if I've already posted upthread or only meant to do.. ) and I increasingly find myself in these situations.
The situation you describe with the snacks is disgraceful and I'm afraid I probably wouldn't have stood for it.
The ice-cream thing.. difficult one. I'm finding this happen a lot recently. Until now my kids didn't question it much but now, at 5 and 3, it's becoming more of an issue. I'm the Big Bad One. And, of course, those parents often gang up on you because of their own insecurities. How do you explain the whole "different families, different rules" thing to your kids?
And, answering your last question, I think it doesmake a difference. My sister has been very insistent on manners, respect etc with her three. They are now 12, 9 and 7 and they are a joy to be with..

Hi mamsnet,

My kids know that I won't give in to pressure from others. I told them I would get them a drink yesterday when we were out, as it was very close to going home and eating dinner so I wasn't buying ice-cream. They did ask of course, it's always worth asking , but it's been a long time since any of them had a stompy fit if I said no to ice-cream. They still have stompies about other stuff though sometimes.

I tell them that everyone has different rules and they mostly accept that. My eldest has been know to tell people her mum is very strict though! She commented on the behaviour of the kids yesterday - I said it's up to the parents what they do but the reason I don't give into whining and screaming is because that teaches children that you whine and scream to get what you want and these are not nice behaviours. It is irritating though when the mum complains to me that her son is whinng so much and only eating junk. She's not asking for help or advice though so I can't say much.

No, you sound exactly like me. I do sometimes ask my DH if I'm too strict (he's the more lenient parent) but as he always replies, our children are the proof that being (fairly) strict works and produces nice children that other people are happy to have over, who other children are happy to play with etc.

Good explanation, Viola.. I think my 5 year-old could go along with that. The 3 year-old is a different kettle of fish!

That's true Gorran. I hope people would tell me if they don't behave well when I'm not there!

I like it because people do tell me they behave well when I am not there, they like having them around because they do as they are asked. It isn't just being strict for the sake of it-I explain and listen.
The icecream thing is ridiculous-if they cry, they cry-it isn't the end of the world! If they know whining will get them there in the end they will whine.

As far as I am concerned, you are not too strict, you are spot on! My two also do not watch much TV (no TV, only DVD and i player, so I choose), eat only in the kitchen, preferably at the table, take shoes off before going upstairs (new carpet) etc. Even my 16 mths old knows that it is not on to throw food, and if she plays with food it gets taken away. I also only cook one meal (taking into account things I know they are unlikely to eat, such as medium to hot curry) and I do not give an alternative. My nearly 4 year old knows that whining does not get her anywhere...
Visiting children are usually surprisingly happy to follow the same rules! Sometimes I do wonder why parents do not behave like parents (not friends of their toddler!) and seem to think the child rules the household (eg. my two do not eat crisps because I don't buy any! So far, I am still in charge of money and shopping!)
I have been called strict, but hey, my children, my rules. They are both happy, healthy, polite, and seem well balanced so far.

the other parent was probably playin it down as she couldnt afford to replace it? she may have had a word with her ds at home but we dont know what oes on behin closed doors.

aibu to not understand on a day out, when its not too close to dinner etc and you can afford it you wouldnt buy your kids ice cream if they asked?

The whole point was that it was close to dinner-people don't say no without a reason.

Well I would be upset if a child would break one of my children's toys and not apologise. But I have to say that I have friends who are strict with their children and they still break toys and still don't apologise if their parents are not there. Each to their own and im many ways, I am not a strict parent and encourage my children to make their own choices, and encourage them to understand that they should apologise if they hurt someone or break something, even if it was an accident. You can still encourage good behaviour even if you are not strict. It's a parenting choice, style, call it whatever but not all children who grow up in a 'strict' environment have good behaviour, and the opposite is also true. Many children I know who are in not strict environment also do very well and are confident, happy children, and are respectful of things and people.

I was once described as "laid back but not a walkover".

It is what I aspire to now!

That's kind of what I was getting at BlueberryPancake - could you tell in 10 years' time what kind of upbringing each child has had?

I like "laid back but not a walkover." We could all have our slogans above the front door, so visiting children know what to expect....

On the basis of what you have said you sound like an excellent mother. There is nothing that gets my goat more than permissive parents who excuse anything that their little darlings only to act with utter astonishment and disbelief when their kids disgrace themselves at school or elsewhere.

All parents have slightly different rules and lines in the sand but provided we act in a consistent and fair way to our children, those differences are not that important.

As for the go-kart incident I would have been less charitable. I would have waited till the other kid was playing on the street, smashed his toy to pieces and then marched to his mother's front door and told her that "these things happen".

I like 'laid back but not a walkover'-it sums it up. It doesn't mean that you are strict, unbending and no fun-ready to ban icecreams for no good reason-just that you have certain standards and are not afraid to stick to them.

I like "laid back but not a walkover" too. But I would've been very unhappy about the go-kart. I work very hard in a stressful job to buy nice things for my DCs and find it very disrespectful when possessions are not respected. My DSs have an electric car that was very expensive and other children are not allowed to ride it. We don't make a song and dance about it, but it gets put away in the shed when they have friends round. That probably makes me sound horrible but I know from experience that some children are not careful with things.