Am I too strict?

[violaswamp]

Hi everyone, just wanted some opinions....

I consider myself to be fairly strict in my parenting style. What I mean (roughly) is: I insist on manners, my dcs have a bedtime, I cook one meal for everyone with no alternatives and no dessert if they don't eat the meal, my dcs have to speak respectfully to people, be quiet in public when necessary, they have to listen to me and they are told off if they do something unacceptable etc etc. They also have to help in the house. I'm not saying they are always perfectly behaved, but I expect good behaviour.

However, we also have lots of fun, they get lots of praise, we have days when I don't mind what they eat and times when they can stay up late. I'm also not that bothered about noise in the house as long as it's happy noise, they can get dirty, have friends over mostly when they want and choose what they want to do within reason. I limit tv and computer time though.

My parenting instinct, for want of a better way to put it, is that I like kids and enjoy spending time with them and watching them develop, but I don't take any crap. Recently, however, I've been getting some comments from other mums that I'm "really strict". I'm honestly not looking so much for reassurance here as opinions on whether I am expecting too much and should back off a bit.

To give an example (for those that are still reading!): My 8 year old DS just got a go-kart for his birthday. All the kids in the street are understandably suddenly his best friend. He's been good about letting others have a turn, but then yesterday he came in with a bit of it broken off, saying one of the boys had kicked it really hard. He was so upset. Luckily it's still working, but still. I went out and asked what happened. The boys all said that a particular boy had kicked it. He had gone by that time. I asked DS if he had apologised, he said no. The boy's older brother was there and heard me saying (to nobody in particular) that it was such a shame and I was not happy that he had only had the go-kart for a week and already someone had done that. I left it there, but as I went inside I heard one boy saying "Why is your mum so angry?" Anyway it must have got back to the mum as she came up to me at school this morning and said she heard I was annoyed but these things happen with boys. I just said it was really a shame for DS and he was upset, then she started talking about something else so she obviously didn't think it was a big deal.

It's not just that incident but a few things like this plus comments from people are making me doubt my instinct!

Thanks for reading.

No the other kids didn't so anything wrong. I was just really annoyed and thinking what to do, if anything.

Beryl I know the go kart was expensive but he's been wanting one for ages and I would rather give him that than another bit of plastic that he'll play with for 5 minutes then never look at again.

I'm often accused of being strict for much the same reasons as you. When my DC go to friends houses and come home raving about the Wii or XBox or junk food or eating in front of the TV I think " well fill your boots cos it's not happening here...."
My kids are complimented on their manners, can sit at a table till all have finished, eat anything, hold a conversation with me and others, play imaginatively, have a love of reading and are fit and healthy...
When I have other kids round I literally cringe at the lack of manners and inability to eat anything helathy!
I know other mums think I am sometimes out of step but I think I will have the last laug!!!

Smallstuff I really want my dcs to have good manners too. When I sent out invitations for ds' party, the day before the party only 2 out of 10 invited had replied to say they were coming. I sent messages to the others - one replied saying they could not come, the others I didn't hear from. In the end 3 came - one turned up who had not said he was coming, brough his brother but no present! Maybe not a big deal but such bad manners!

I wouldn't say you are very strict, I'd say you have high standards & expectations (there's a huge difference, imho). Perhaps you are in an environment where most other parents are much more relaxed?

I wish more parents had your standards, it's hard to be 'strict' when other kids are apparently allowed to do/have so many things but you have to stand up for what you believe in. Your way sounds very much like mine, not to say that's the right way but if it's producing happy, healthy, pleasant kids then something's working!

Yes I think most of the other mums I know are much more relaxed. And some of their kids are lovely, others....hmm....

The mums themselves are really nice people, but it's still difficult to be with them when we have such different standards. I usually keep my opinions to myself, however one time me and the mum of the boy who kicked the go-kart were talking generally about our kids and she was complaining that her son doesn't eat the food she cooks and only wants crisps. I said why don't you stop buying crisps then? But she just laughed and said "don't be silly, I would feel so guilty!"

I think you sound grand but then your way sounds like mine - so I would .
I find kids tend to accept differences at other people's houses without too much bother after an initial grumble but the parents are a different story.

I've had a big present - like your go-cart - broken within days and it was something DD had saved for so doubly upsetting. Not deliberate but very avoidable - a visiting parent watching a younger child bend a part of it until it snapped. I've also had people make faces at me asking DD to say 'excuse me' if interrupting adult conversation - the same parents whose children are kicking them and physically pulling them over when they (the children) are bored waiting for adults to stop talking. I don't think that's funny but clearly I'm wrong .

i think your parenting is fine and it's a pity a few more don't follow your example

I wish they would. I have had parents phone me up to discuss an idea they don't like-find out I don't like it either and then say 'if you tell your DS he can't do it, mine won't want to go, but I won't have to say no'!!!

I don't think you sound strict except maybe the food thing. What's wrong with biscuits sometimes when they have friends over? I often give biscuits or crisps, cake etc alongside fruit and they still eat the fruit.

You say you limit tv time, how much?

You sound like a great mum to me.

Thanks again everyone, I feel better now.

Exotic that's ridiculous! We've had similar though. I was picking up my youngest and her friend wanted her to come over to play. The girl's mum obviously didn't really want to have a playdate, but could see her dd was about to kick off, so she was almost begging us to come. I said we really couldn't today, but another day would be nice. The mum was giving me daggers for "upsetting" her dd. I don't get why intelligent people tiptoe around their kids like that! We've had that girl over a few times and she's been great, no problems at all, but with her mum she's constantly whining and crying until she gets whatever she wants.

Suepurbly (great name!), I also don't let dcs interrupt me if I'm talking to someone. It's such an important skill - I know plenty of adults who constantly interrupt and it's so annoying. Mine now (mostly!) come and stand next to me so I know they want to say something. I tell other people's kids to wait too if they interrupt me - haven't had any comments about that yet!

Totallylovely, we do occasionally have biscuits etc, but I prefer to keep sweets etc for when we go out. In the house I keep a cupboard of healthy snacks and they can choose what they want because I'm happy with any of the choices. I don't see why they need biscuits really often, I think some kids just get used to that and won't take anything which isn't sweet.

TV is not a certain number of hours - more like if they've been busy doing something in the morning, they can put a film on later. But not sit and watch for hours on end. We don't have any channels, only DVDs, which helps with that. Computer games I try to keep to an hour a day - that's mainly for one of mine who would play all day if I let him, the others are not so addicted.

Violet, I expect all those things from my child that you mention, and my DD is two! As long as what you expect of them is age appropriate (that is, I expect her to sit and eat at the table with us, not throw food, and ask to get down, but I don't mind if she uses her fingers to help with tricky food - obviously I'd be expecting more of a 6 year old - likewise I expect please and thank you and sorry but not "may I" instead of "can I") I think you're great. Especially because you say "we also have lots of fun, they get lots of praise, we have days when I don't mind what they eat and times when they can stay up late. I'm also not that bothered about noise in the house as long as it's happy noise, they can get dirty, have friends over mostly when they want and choose what they want to do within reason". That's not strict at all!

I'm flabberghasted at these crisps-for-tea and 'don't have to say no' parents. Seriously, is that the norm? We're not into the age group where other parents' expectations really impact, except to the extent that they do or don't stop their children hitting or snatching, so I'm very naive.

I don't think it is the norm, no, after reading the responses on here. I think it's just the people around me at the moment, who made me feel slightly guilty about being strict, and wonder if I should be a bit more indulgent.

Me and DH have always had the view that the children are very important, we consider them in everything, but in the end they have to fit around the needs of the whole family, including the parents. That means they need to be able to cope with not always having what they want. Also we sometimes send them out of the living room if we need some peace and quiet or want to have a private conversation - others I know have been a bit shocked by that. We sometimes do days out aimed at kids but generally not - I actually find they behave better if they are getting less, not more.

I do feel slightly bad today though, as the kid who broke the go-kart just came over with his brother with some lego for ds - they said it was for his birthday, but I wonder if it was really to do with the go-kart?

I think you sound fine. I'm the same, limit the TV and computer (like you only because one of mine would spend all day glued to both if possible). I got criticised initially with my first for being too strict (by my mother and sister) but they're the first to say dd1 is very well behaved. I think good manners and eating good food are important. Having a bit of a battle with the youngest at the moment not eating her dinner but she's beginning to understand that she has to try everything and that once she's had her dinner and fruit and yoghurt that's it, no snacks she has to wait until the next meal. I try to be fair and don't cook things I know she'll hate, but I think the food I provide is perfectly fine and she should eat it.
I'm interested to know what punishments you use if they're naughty.

I don't use a lot of punishments - I sometimes put them in their rooms, but more to calm down if they are having a meltdown. It happened a lot when they were younger, not much now. Sometimes take nintendo ds away, but only one of them is really bothered by that. I think we went through years of being consistent and putting up with screaming etc without giving in (not saying we always managed perfectly and we did shout sometimes!), and now they're a bit older, they know there's no point in whining and nagging. They know that if they choose not to eat, they will have to wait until the next meal. Sometimes that happens.

I also pick my battles, with one in particular! But some things he has to do, no arguments.

If they do something deliberately mean or naughty I usually take them somewhere quiet and talk to them. e.g. my 5-year old upset another girl at a party recently, she wouldn't let her join in or something. I know this happens with girls but I told her she had to apologise and be nice or we would leave. She's quite stubborn and would not apologise so DH took her to the car. They came back after 15 minutes and she apologised (by which time the other girl had completely forgotten but we still made her do it!). She missed part of the party and we got some looks and people trying to play it down, but if I warn her what's going to happen if she doesn't do as I ask, then it will happen. It's hard when everyone's looking though.

OP, you sound just fine. I'm strict and firm too. I don't care what other parents say about my parenting style so long as my DD is happy, respectful of others and respectful of herself.

I find it hard when people stare too. But then I had a funny moment going into a public toilet recently when dd2 asked for something and I responded 'absolutely not', another mother laughed and said 'you sound just like me' which was nice to hear.

I've had those moments too! I had them all talking to me at once in the supermarket and I stopped abruptly with the trolley and announced "I can't hear anyone if you're all talking at once - no one speak to me for 5 minutes please and let me concentrate!" Then I realised several people were watching our performance and one lady said we reminded her of when her children were young....

So do you not have any channels at all? Not even news channels? There are great nature programs on telly for kids and other educational programs. It's a shame to rule it out completely. Or when something big happens like the royal wedding. I'm not even a royalist but my dcs learnt a lot from that.

We just found no one was watching the tv so now we only watch dvds. I quite like that after it's finished, they switch the tv off.

And yes sorry to answer properly no we don't have any channels. I don't think - will check!

Agreeing with what everyone else has said, you are not too strict, there are a lot of very lax parents. I try to be consistent but would like to be firmer, I do give in sometimes and wish I didn't.

But, DS does often say 'they're allowed to do...' and I say thats up to their parents, but you are not allowed, so don't think I'm excessively lax, hope not anyway.

Oh yes we get that too - "He goes to bed at 10.00!" etc. Even though they know it makes no difference, they say it anyway.

We watch dvds too but I find that with the telly I'll often come across subjects that it wouldn't have occured to me to get a dvd about. As I was saying Royal wedding and other newsy (made up word) events, things about WW1 and 2, programs about tanks or science that they might watch with my DH and have all sorts of questions about. I do actually find that they learn so much from television if used correctly.

What sort of DVDs do they watch?