How do I stop a overpowering granny?

[Broodymomma]

This is going to sound so ungreatful but I have to get it off my chest. My mum is completely over the top with what she buys my son and I just cant seem to make her see what she is doing.

Before christmas I sat her down and explained that he gets so much and 1. we have no space for it all now and 2. he is starting to "expect" stuff everytime he sees her and that was not what I wanted. I explained that we were cutting back a little at xmas as it had got out of hand the year before and we would rather she respected our wishes and done the same. Now when I say cut back she easily spends up to £1000 on his xmas (he turned 4 last week). Christmas day arrived and there was way over what there was last year and enough clothes to do him the entire year. All tags and boxes removed so we were unable to return anything.

In between xmas and his birthday in March she buys a weekly present of up to about £30 that he gets when he goes to her house. I asked for this to be stopped and perhaps she could get him a magazine or something instead. Her genius idea the next week was that a "fairy" had left the gift.

Fast forward to his birthday in March and another £500 or so worth of gifts arrive with yet more clothes with tags removed. Some of these gifts were duplicates to stuff he already has as she buys so much she forget she has already bought.

I am now faced with every time we go to the supermarket he is lying on the floor having a mad turn because mummy wont buy him a toy. He done this when she was with us last week and I said - dont you dare give in to him as I will not have him behaving like that - low and behold she takes his away to "calm him down" and he comes back with 3 fireman sam dvd's 2 of which he has already.

I pretty much always make excuses not to go out to shops with her as its a battle everytime but even if I dont she buys stuff anyway. I know its a grans place to spoil their grandchild but its way over the top and she cant seem to see the effect it is having on him. He literally had a birthday 2 weeks ago and already today she has bought £36 worth of toy story stuff that he pretty much already has.

She is not working and this money is supposed to be seeing her through to her old age (medically retired). I have no probs with little treats now and again but I just dont know how to make the extent it has got to stop. Its embarassing. She loves him to bits and I wish she could just see that them spending time together should be enough. He has boxes and boxes of stuff from his birthday and xmas that has not even been opened yet.

I really do not mean to sound ungreatful but this is really affecting me and how I view my mum at the moment. She walks away tutting at me when I tell her not to buy him something and undermines me constantly. I have asked her to stop till I am blue in the face. Am sick of ebaying stuff and going to the charity shop! In a selfish way it means I never get to treat my son as he literally has everything you could imagine.

What gets me the most is that she has seen first hand how he now behaves and thinks he can get wants when he wants it - then she has the cheek to say "you have to nip that in the bud" - she does not see that SHE has caused it.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow that is excessive!

Not sure what to advise really, could you write it down for her, pointing out that she is causing the tantrums etc?

I have pointed it out to her and sat her down and begged her to stop but I get the silent treatment and she starts telling my son how "mummy is being mean". It is at the point I have cut down how often we visit but there just seems to be double the stuff there then next time we go because "granny loves him more than anyone else". I can see my lovely little boy turning into a spoiled little monkey and I dont like it one bit.

He has both a bedroom and a playroom stuffed to the brim not to mention all the stuff I have put away to rotate during the year.

I have told her the effect its having on him and she has witnessed it first hand but nothing stops her. I lost the rag last year (not proud of it) and told her it had to stop. It was when I said we were buying him his first bike and were so excited to take him - what turns up next week at grans - a bike. Before we had taken him to buy one. I went mental. I got a letter saying "he was her grandson and I needed to respect that and if I felt so strongly she would cut back and she hoped I would allow a little thing every now and again" (emotional blackmail!). I said thank you and thats all I have been asking for. Fast forward 2 weeks and it was as bad as ever. We were totally outdone at xmas - its ok at the moment as he thinks its all from santa but when he is older I hate he will think we dont get him as much as his gran does. I know that sounds daft but its how I feel.

Christ. What a tricky situation.

She needs to respect that you are his mother and that what you and his father say goes.

Her behaviour is actively undermining your parenting. And it is ruining your child and your relationship with your child because you will always always always be bad cop in this situation.

You have asked her to stop and she won't.

Personally, I'd be taking much stricter action. I would not allow her to see him unless she stops, frankly, because she's taking the p*ss now.

Hmmm, difficult. How about different tactics? Talk about how university is going to be so expensive when he's old enough to go, and ask if she'd consider setting up a trust fund for him that she could pay into rather than buying toys. Say that this would be of massive benefit for him when he's 18 and mean that he'll hopefully be able to start adult life with as little debt as possible. Would she consider this?

Sorry but you are going to have to get tough now!! Tell her any gifts other than birthdays and Christmas must be very small ir you will eBay/charity shop them straight away. Tell her if she doesn't follow your rules she will simply not see him. Tell her you love the wY she lives your sin but she could 'spoil him'with her love and attention NOT materially. Isyour mum worried about her health at all? Does she worry how long she has with him and want to be remembered??

Could you suggest keeping all of the stuff she buys him at her house? That way she can continue to buy whatever crap she wants but then has to store and look after it. He gets to play with it when he visits her. Maybe then she can see that he really doesn't need anything more.

You know what, I am usually the first one to jump up in the sort of thread with a "be grateful, some Dcs never see their GPs and never get anything from them!" but WOW this is a hell of a lot to give a child!

I think holderness idea of telleing her that from now on gift will be stored at her place for when he visits might actually make her see what she is imposing on you. The idea of a saving scheme for univerity is a very good one too IMHO.

I feel cruel doing that as she literally lives for his weekly visit. It has come to a head today though I was furious when I seen yet another buzz, woody and toy story jigsaw.

Its the same with food. Last week there was a meltdown as after a full sunday roast (on a thu lunch) and a huge chocolate sponge pudding with custard she offered him a packet of sweets. I jumped in straight away with "no thats not a good idea as you have had a huge lunch (we normally have sandwich and fruit) and you wont eat your dinner if you eat again now. Cue meltdown! Then granny saying "oh mummy is cruel granny wants to give you sweets but mummy has said no". I then get kicked by my son and told how cruel I am by my mother so I just picked up our stuff and said "if this is the tantrums granny is causing we are leaving". I left to her blanking me and him sobbing away telling me he hates me. Then I see him munching away in the car - she had bloody stuffed jelly babies into his pockets.

I just cant take it anymore. Its one thing after another. The problem is she has a longterm illness and she has nobody but me (my dad is much older than her and also has an illness) so I kind of feel I have to go every single week or I get the old tears and how much she misses him and hardly gets to see him. If I am honest she has no life and is pretty much ruled by hospitals but I cant sit and watch how it is affecting my son anymore. She cant live her life through him and I am fed up being constantly upset over it. Just nothing I say or do makes her see what she is doing.

I think I just need to hear I am not going mad and this is not "normal" granny behaviour - sometimes I wonder if she has secretly won the lottery.

Oh I forgot about last week she asked me to take her to the post office as the shopping center - when we arrived low and behold she had booked a £200 photo session for my son dressed like a fecking chimney sweep. I am meant to be greatful for everything and get the silent treatment if I dont show gratitude but I feel every thing she does now I resent.

Sorry everyone crossed posts. Yes she does have health issues but this started long before they arose. I do say everything she buys has to stay at her house but het again she gets ds on side saying "oh thats cruel dont you want to take your new toy home to show daddy" then he gets all upset about it. I feel like I have been a woose for so long and not wanted to upset her when she was ill but you are all right enough is enough.
I am going to say from now on "oh he has that already I will pop in on ebay or give it to charity"
I have also mentioned her putting the money away for him but "where is the fun in that for a 4 year old" - is the response I get.

I think you need to book her in for therapy! Seriously she is fulfilling some deep needs in herself at your and yours ds expense.

Can you drop your son there once a week for one to one granny time in addition to your joint weekly visits?

Maybe it is time for you both to seat down and actualy talk to each other rather than through your DS ("oh mummy is cruel granny wants to give you sweets but mummy has said no" and "if this is the tantrums granny is causing we are leaving")

Tell her "Mum I love you with all my heart but this has to stop as it is having desastrous consequences on my relationship with DS and on my relationship with you. I know you love my son very much and really want him to have a lot but you are spoiling him and making my attempt at curbing his tantrums fruitless. Please mum do not take it badly Ds will still love you and think you are a great Gran even if he gets a bit less stuff from you"

Next time you see her tell her you have no more room and that she will need to keep the gifts at her house and firmly give her back the gifts she hands over. If she won't take them pass her a box and say well take this lot then, they are only going to the charity shop otherwise...

Tell her that if she doesn't stop completely that you won't visit again for a month and do it! And if when you go in a month there are more gifts say it will be 2 months this time. And do it!

I think writing is the best solution if she won't listen when you tell her. Explain it is affecting your relationship with her and your ds and it has to stop and if she won't listen the only other solution seems to be to stop seeing her.
Write and attach a list of what she has given , smas, birthday and in between along with your estimate of the cost.
Write next to it if he already has it (and if she bought it stress that she already gave it to him).
Write next to that what you did with these things - ebay/charity shop/binned/never worn. Maybe then she will see what a waste it is.

Hopefully she'll be upset enough to share the letter with family or friends to show how terribly she is being treated and someone may talk sense into her when they see it!

Do not tell her if you intend to buy a bike kind of present again as she will jump in and get it.

Offer some kind of compromise. She can pay into his trust fund if she wants to buy something weekly. Or uni fund. Or suggest she gets him a subscription to the rspb or similar. They send out bi monthly magazines and he will be told they are from her.

Tell her that cutting the label of clothes is not acceptable and you won't take any clothes from her that she has done this too because 1) if it's too small you can't return it 2) if he already has it you can't return it 3) he has far too many clothes and you need to return some of them, particularly teh duplicates she keeps buying.

Good luck. I think you have a real battle on your hands and it may come down to having to stop seeing her till she gets the message :( Had to do it with my dad for other reasons. He eventually backed down. Hoefully she will too.

sorry, x posted with your 17:33 post.

Ask her what fun there is for a 4 year old when noone likes him for being a spoilt brat

I think gillybean's approach is a very worthwhile one.

In a letter you could suggest some small gift traditions that would be great - such as a magazine each week - they could go together and choose it and a small pack of sweets to take home with him. Other than that a few gifts at Christmas/Birthday/Easter and that's it.

I think you may have to follow through with the not seeing her to realise that you mean it.

He is in nursery Mon - Wed, I work shifts and do 2 weekends out of 4. We already go there every Thu so Friday is the only day I have to spend doing things with him so I would not be keen to give that up. If I am honest I find my time there so stresfull and I get completly ignored anyway so I usually end up going for a walk and leaving them to it. Due to her health issues she is not well enough to have him for long periods of time (not that she sees that) but its true. She is also a heavy smoker and I dont like ds being in the house for longer than he has to be. She used to smoke outside but now its in the kitchen with the door open and it stinks. Oh I sound horrible but I think everything about the whole situation is just winding me up. I think she has no concept on how hard the last few months have been on me too watching her be so ill and looking after my dad and a 4 year old - I just wish she would be a mum instead of constantly battling against me to try and win favour with a child. Lets face it I am his mum and she will never win end of. But I dont want my child being used as some sort of pawn in a very warped and twisted game of one upmanship.

I know you don't want to stop visiting her, but it may be the only way to get her to actually take notice.
And if she says 'mummy is being cruel' you turn round and say 'No I am not; cruelt is beating and starving your child. I am being a responsible and caring mother and the final decision is mine on this matter.'
If she doesn't listen you say 'Stop undermining me and stop spoiling ds when you have been told not too. You are ruining his relationship with me and mine with you with this constant undermining and spoiling. Just look at his behaviour. You WILL stop, you will respect my requests, or we won't visit again'
You do have to be strong I'm afraid. Treat her like a toddler (ie sat on the naughty step) and you may start to get somewhere.

There is some really great ideas and compromises there - thanks for all the advice. I like the idea of the subscription and writing down all the stuff she has bought since xmas to show her I am not over-reacting. I will take all your advice and let you know how it goes. I also wont be telling her of anything else we plan to buy as there is nothing as he already has everything! He has 2 grans but thankfully the other is much more sensible! Hmm that has just given me a thought but his other gran opened a account for him and pays money in for when he is older. Mum knows nothing about it so I may let it slip because she will freak if she thinks the other gran is doing something she is not. Much better way of spending the money!

As for clothes I will say that about tags - there is so much he has never even worn and once again the majority are not really my taste. On the plus side I made a fortune on ebay!

Thanks for all your advice and for confirming I am not an ungreatful cow and this is as I thought not normal behaviour.

I'm sorry you're having such a crap time broodymomma, but I'm howling with laughter at 'dressed as a fecking chimney sweep'

I kid you not!! You would laugh even more if you seen the pictures!!

Honestly she was raving at how amazing he looked whilst I cringed in the corner. To make it worse she bought 2 copies of everything so that we "wouldnt fight over them" - I was gobsmacked. My poor ds was just stood there looking like a reject from Oliver with a look of "WTF" on his face. It was funny when I look back but I was seething at the time. Poor wee mite was mortified it was right in the middle of a shopping centre with every over 60 stopping to say "ahhhhh". I ended up cutting it short as I felt so sorry for him.

I need those photos! I'm still giggling about it!