How do I stop a overpowering granny?

[Broodymomma]

This is going to sound so ungreatful but I have to get it off my chest. My mum is completely over the top with what she buys my son and I just cant seem to make her see what she is doing.

Before christmas I sat her down and explained that he gets so much and 1. we have no space for it all now and 2. he is starting to "expect" stuff everytime he sees her and that was not what I wanted. I explained that we were cutting back a little at xmas as it had got out of hand the year before and we would rather she respected our wishes and done the same. Now when I say cut back she easily spends up to £1000 on his xmas (he turned 4 last week). Christmas day arrived and there was way over what there was last year and enough clothes to do him the entire year. All tags and boxes removed so we were unable to return anything.

In between xmas and his birthday in March she buys a weekly present of up to about £30 that he gets when he goes to her house. I asked for this to be stopped and perhaps she could get him a magazine or something instead. Her genius idea the next week was that a "fairy" had left the gift.

Fast forward to his birthday in March and another £500 or so worth of gifts arrive with yet more clothes with tags removed. Some of these gifts were duplicates to stuff he already has as she buys so much she forget she has already bought.

I am now faced with every time we go to the supermarket he is lying on the floor having a mad turn because mummy wont buy him a toy. He done this when she was with us last week and I said - dont you dare give in to him as I will not have him behaving like that - low and behold she takes his away to "calm him down" and he comes back with 3 fireman sam dvd's 2 of which he has already.

I pretty much always make excuses not to go out to shops with her as its a battle everytime but even if I dont she buys stuff anyway. I know its a grans place to spoil their grandchild but its way over the top and she cant seem to see the effect it is having on him. He literally had a birthday 2 weeks ago and already today she has bought £36 worth of toy story stuff that he pretty much already has.

She is not working and this money is supposed to be seeing her through to her old age (medically retired). I have no probs with little treats now and again but I just dont know how to make the extent it has got to stop. Its embarassing. She loves him to bits and I wish she could just see that them spending time together should be enough. He has boxes and boxes of stuff from his birthday and xmas that has not even been opened yet.

I really do not mean to sound ungreatful but this is really affecting me and how I view my mum at the moment. She walks away tutting at me when I tell her not to buy him something and undermines me constantly. I have asked her to stop till I am blue in the face. Am sick of ebaying stuff and going to the charity shop! In a selfish way it means I never get to treat my son as he literally has everything you could imagine.

What gets me the most is that she has seen first hand how he now behaves and thinks he can get wants when he wants it - then she has the cheek to say "you have to nip that in the bud" - she does not see that SHE has caused it.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have only seen the proofs so far she collects them at end of month - I will post one when they arrive. How can I fake gratitude for this one lol?

What was your relationship with your mother like before you had a child? It sounds like your mother has some major major control freak issues. She is certainly trying to "buy" her grand child's love, and also undermining you to show she is lovely and you are not...to reinforce her position.

Was she always needy like this? Would she benefit from having a dog or some other pet? On the other hand, is she chronically lonely and channelling this into obsessive shopping hanging it on the excuse that it is for her grandson therefore justifiable?

On a practical note I'd try to steer her towards a savings account she pays into and only small gifts, say a bag of sweets when she visits. Then she can feel she is helping his future.

I'd also try to get across that children normally love their grand parents even of the grand parents only give them gifts at birthday and Christmas to see if this calms her obsessive gift giving.

I would be honest do not give gratitude for a photo you don't like! Tell her you don't want one.

She has always been extremely controlling and I think its why I rebell against it so much now as I was suffocated by her as a child and I see my Dad also is now. He is told when to speak, where to go, what to say, what to wear, how to have his hair cut. He had his hair cut short last week and I said "wow thats some crop dad" and she said "yes he has had his row for it". Its like she treats him like he is 5. He is older now and has completely lost all his confidence and sits in silence the majority of the time now. There is always an atmosphere and growing up I had I had many issues with my mum which makes it had for me now when she tries to be the "perfect" grandmother when she is very selective over her own memories of my upbringing.
However thats all in the past and for the lady who mentioned a dog I do feel she would benefit from this and have mentioned it a few times but she says no.
I grew up ruled by fear of "disapointing" her and was constantly trying to be the perfect daughter. It grew very tiring. She uses lots of emotional blackmail. Actually I would like an opinion on if I am being over sensitive but today she said to ds that when he is not there other little boys come to her house and play with her toys. She also still keeps the potty in the loo despite the fact he has used a toilet for over a year. When he asked her why its there she said its for the other little boys that come to grannys house. Now no other children go to my mums house and ds is the only grandchild. Alarm bells started ringing with me that she was trying to make him worry he was not her "faveourite" as she said to him "but dont worry you are grannys faveourite and I make sure they treat your toys nice". I was not sure if I was paranoid but I did not like it. Ds was more excited he would have kids to play with there!

I think you need to be very very firm and take back the control of your life and your ds. I think you will need to be very hardline and ignore the emotional blackmail. She is damaging your son by her behaviour andd attitudes IMHO

She's actually being very nasty towards your DS. You're not being paranoid, and as I was reading about the "other little boys", my alarm bells started ringing also. Trust your instincts - you've had a lifetime's experience of her and her techniques.

I wonder if the "other little boys" tactic is her upping the stakes if she's beginning to realise that you're beginning to put your foot down about her behaviour?

She sounds narcissistic, or something similar. There's a website that's been mentioned here several times: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ that might be helpful, also a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward - if you search for that on Amazon, you'll also get other similar recommendations. All of which will tell you that you're not alone with this issue.

I wouldn't personally recommend a dog, or indeed any other pet. I don't get the impression that your mother wants someone/something to love, just someone to control.

I have noticed that thread before and seen the book recommended. I have always felt so guilty in thinking of her in that way but in my heart I know she has many issues and its only since having ds that I have realised how unhappy I was with my own upbringing and how stifiled and lonely I always was. I know that I want to parent in the completly opposite way than how I was brought up so that to me speaks volumes. I will check out that thread though the guilt stays with me due to her ill health and she has just overcome cancer. Everytime I get strong with her the illness steps up and I feel guilty all over again.

Stop letting her see him, that way she can't tell him that you're cruel and you still get to see your parents and how they're getting on. She'll eventually have to see that you mean business. Good luck, she sounds a nightmare

You could try an alternative tactic to saying no. you could embrace her roll as the toy and clothes buyer. If ds kicks off in a shop and says he wants x,y or z you say, sorry darling I can't get you that its grannys job.
Any time you want anything for ds tell your mum and let get buy it.
PLUS start selling excess stuff on ebay. You have already explained to your mum that you don't have space and you don't want ds spoilt. If she can't get on board with that she can't complain if you take your own route to deal with it by selling some of the stuff. you could put any money you make in a bank account for ds's future university fund - then if gran complains she will be complaining about you saving for get grandsons future.

I'm enjoying reading this as I have two 4 year old grandsons. The photograph thing is hilarious!

As far as putting money in an account, what fun is that?

You do have to put a stop to all this largesse, though, as it is definitely not healthy for your son. Writing her a letter sounds good. Spell out what you want to see happen, and if she does not comply, tell her the visits will stop. YOU are the parent, and all the decision making is up to you. You have your work cut out for you!

Monkoray I do sell loads on ebay - have made a small fortune from it.
Hansiemom - So as a gran yourself you agree she is way over the top?

We are going there sunday for easter - I dread to think what gifts will be there but have decided that will be the last. DH and I are going to calmly tell her that we will not be accepting any further gifts for ds unless it has been discussed and agreed on beforehand with us. I am going to do as suggested earlier and write down every last thing she has bought since xmas and remind her I do love her and the relationship she has with ds but her behaviour is overpowering and the situation is that I cant ever even enjoying my own child a treat as she gets in there before me everytime.

I am fully expecting tears/tantrums the works (from her not ds) but it will be the last time I have the discussion with her and dh is going to back me. I know she has bought a load of clothes for easter also so I am going to say he already has them (his wardrobe is bursting) and she should donate them to charity.

Feels like I am going to have to be cruel to be kind. Thanks for all the great advice on here there is loads I have taken from it. I have seen these types of threads before and people normally get a bit of a bashing for being ungreatful and thats honestly not the case. Thanks again.

Yes, she is giving him way too much, it is like an obsession with her. With so many things, how is your son going to appreciate anything?

You miss out on choosing the clothes you want him to wear, and he'd like some input too.

It's a nice part of childhood to wish for something, have the anticipation leading up to a birthday or Christmas that maybe that prized object will be there.

Your DM is acting rather desperatehere have more sweets, more toys, more clothesmore, more, MORE! It's a lot for your little boy to handle.

I just can't understand how when she has been told before that you are selling on a lot of stuff that it hasn't twigged with her the amount of money she is wasting

Really hope you manage to get through to her!

It just goes in one ear and out the other. I can visibly see her tune out when I talk about it or she just tuts and walks away saying its her "right" to spoil her grandson.
I remember last november we had taken him to see toy story 3 and like most little boys he fell in love with all the charachters. He did not have any toy story stuff at that point and it was our plan to get him a woody, buzz and jessie for christmas. I told her we were getting toy story for both his birthday and christmas so please do not get anything toy story related as we want it to be something special for us. I repeated it every week up to xmas and then the week before christmas day she had him for the morning whilst I was at doctor. When I came back she had taken him to the Disney shop and bought a miniture of every toy story charachter. I know they were only minitures but it totally took the shine off the fact we were getting them for xmas and we had really built up he had to be a good boy for santa to bring Toy Story things. He was so excited at the thought of it and it felt such a anti climax on xmas day. When I told her how I felt I was told I was being rediculous. I just cant win and nothing I say penetrates her brain. I counted up today and he now had 8 buzz lightyears - different sizes etc but 8 none the less.

Oh god, I can't believe what Im reading here. I feel your pain.

I think that writing a list is a great idea but also writing a letter to her about how it makes you feel and the effect it is having.

Your mum is being so selfish and indulging her own needs over respecting you as his mum and as her daughter.

She isn't giving your feelings much thought here at all so it's time to stop feeling guilty about her being ill. You need to put that to one side to try and save your son now.

What she is doing is so damaging.

I thought I had it bad as my DH has 3 sisters and parents who totally spoil my DS and now DD. My mum does too but does listen when I tell her to reign it in a bit.

Xmas is totally OTT. He is also nearly 4 and I too noticed a huge difference in him after xmas. He went from a lovely behaved boy in shops who just acccepted he had to put something back to a screaming spoilt brat.

All I hear now is Want want want.
He also gets some sort of gift everytime he see's them which is often but not to the extent your mum is spending. With young children though, it could be £1 or £50 and it doesn't matter, the effect is the same.

I even had the problem that when id say Granny or one of my friends or the bloody gas man is coming round he'd say "have they got me a present"?

His birthday is next month and it's all he goes on about, Im actually dreading it.

I hope you can get your mum to wake up a bit.

I will let you know if i manage to get the inlaws to listen .
Good luck. x

Hopefully when she sees it all on a list it will make her realise

We have this on a much smaller scale with my in-laws. When we got my daughter a wii for christmas, we got it mega early to avoid disappointment in about the July. In-laws showed my husband something they were considering getting her from christmas - it was like a wii but not a wii if you know what I mean, nowhwere near as good, just a cheaper version of it. They were told not to get it, but they did. We never opened it out the box, and just handed it in to a charity shop

She is trying to totally undermine you.

You have asked her not to do this. She refuses to stop. In fact, she actively chooses to do the opposite of what you ask.

It seems to me she cannot bear you having any adult control over your life and she's doing her damnedest to prevent it through your son.

I personally think it is quite abusive and manipulative.

I would not be seeing her nor would my dcs until she proved that she would respect my preferences as my dcs' mother.

Poor you - that is mental. She is being so disrespectful of you.

I think you need to cut back on granny/DS time. Can you visit your mother while DS is still at nursery until she reins herself in? I persume you can't stop visits altogether due to her health/your dad's health?

Lower the lvel of contact she has with him and be utterly brutal about why.

Spoiling a child to this extent is cruelty. You will not allow anyone to do a cruelty to your son. She insists on doing this when she sees him - ergo, she will not see him. The end.

She will buckle in a fortnight.

She only spends about 4hrs a week with him at the moment. She would have heart failure if I turned up without him. Last week she was out when we arrived so he hid for her coming home - her face when she thought he was not there then she said "why did you bother coming?" . She literally does not talk to me when he is there. That is another thing I have been pulling her up on as she lets him talk over me. If I am speaking she will completly ignore me and start talking to him if he says something.

Am dreading today! Luckily we go on holiday next week so it will give me a break and some space from it all.

4 hours is plenty of time to do the damage she is doing to you and your son.

She's so rude to you. Don't you matter to her? Doesn't she want to see you and your son?

I can't understand why you are putting up with her?

It won't end unless you put your foot down and stop her from treating you so very badly. It's outrageous.

You need to take control here. You sit her down with no child around and you tell her again but this time firmly. Tell her you talk for 5 mind and she has to listen not speak. You also tell her in future i
anything she buys - you will not be taking any more toys home, they will stay at her home. You say a maximum of £50 ( or whatever) for Christmas, birthdays and she can buy him a comic each week. Not toys - it will build up again.Suggest the savings account.

Tell her if she mumbles on about you being a mean mummy you will leave her house with your child. Tell her she may not agree with you but that's tough cos you think you are doing what is right for your son. End of.

I have a feeling you will end up not seeing her for a month to get it into her head that you mean business. She's used to walking over you. You have alter that.

Oh my goodness, poor you, this sounds horrid. I really hope your DH backs you up when you speak to her this time and that she realises what she's doing is just wrong.

Just stop seeing her with your son til she listens. It will be hard but there is no magic wand (or words) that will have the effect you want.

If she says to you again why did you bother coming, say fine I'll go. This will be incredibly hard as I suspect part of the problem is that you are feeling rejected (totally understandable) as well as her trying to take conrol over your son.

You have to treat her like a toddler having a tantrum and not give in to her (unless you are happy for things to carry on as they are).