How do I stop a overpowering granny?

[Broodymomma]

This is going to sound so ungreatful but I have to get it off my chest. My mum is completely over the top with what she buys my son and I just cant seem to make her see what she is doing.

Before christmas I sat her down and explained that he gets so much and 1. we have no space for it all now and 2. he is starting to "expect" stuff everytime he sees her and that was not what I wanted. I explained that we were cutting back a little at xmas as it had got out of hand the year before and we would rather she respected our wishes and done the same. Now when I say cut back she easily spends up to £1000 on his xmas (he turned 4 last week). Christmas day arrived and there was way over what there was last year and enough clothes to do him the entire year. All tags and boxes removed so we were unable to return anything.

In between xmas and his birthday in March she buys a weekly present of up to about £30 that he gets when he goes to her house. I asked for this to be stopped and perhaps she could get him a magazine or something instead. Her genius idea the next week was that a "fairy" had left the gift.

Fast forward to his birthday in March and another £500 or so worth of gifts arrive with yet more clothes with tags removed. Some of these gifts were duplicates to stuff he already has as she buys so much she forget she has already bought.

I am now faced with every time we go to the supermarket he is lying on the floor having a mad turn because mummy wont buy him a toy. He done this when she was with us last week and I said - dont you dare give in to him as I will not have him behaving like that - low and behold she takes his away to "calm him down" and he comes back with 3 fireman sam dvd's 2 of which he has already.

I pretty much always make excuses not to go out to shops with her as its a battle everytime but even if I dont she buys stuff anyway. I know its a grans place to spoil their grandchild but its way over the top and she cant seem to see the effect it is having on him. He literally had a birthday 2 weeks ago and already today she has bought £36 worth of toy story stuff that he pretty much already has.

She is not working and this money is supposed to be seeing her through to her old age (medically retired). I have no probs with little treats now and again but I just dont know how to make the extent it has got to stop. Its embarassing. She loves him to bits and I wish she could just see that them spending time together should be enough. He has boxes and boxes of stuff from his birthday and xmas that has not even been opened yet.

I really do not mean to sound ungreatful but this is really affecting me and how I view my mum at the moment. She walks away tutting at me when I tell her not to buy him something and undermines me constantly. I have asked her to stop till I am blue in the face. Am sick of ebaying stuff and going to the charity shop! In a selfish way it means I never get to treat my son as he literally has everything you could imagine.

What gets me the most is that she has seen first hand how he now behaves and thinks he can get wants when he wants it - then she has the cheek to say "you have to nip that in the bud" - she does not see that SHE has caused it.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW if there's time, I would call ahead and explain to her that you will not be taking home any toys today.

Good luck

Good idea about phoning ahead. Good luck today, be strong and stop this before it does any serious damage

I'm sorry I know she's your mum but it sounds like she has real problems. It's not normal to need that amount of control. She's completely ignoring your wishes and making you feel guilty when it's HER behaviour which is totally unreasonable. You sound very sensible. With people who behave normally, confronting them directly but politely should stop the behaviour - you've done that and it's made no difference.

I think you will have to seriously reduce the amount of time you spend with her. Your son is YOUR child, not hers, she doesn't get to decide how much stuff he gets. Of course a relationship with a grandparent is wonderful with a normal amount of spoiling but this has obviously gone way beyond that. It's not just the ridiculous amount of presents and the effect they have on your son's behaviour, it's the comments she's making which are really, really poisonous. Tbh I think when he's older he will accept that granny buys him loads of stuff and you don't - kids learn to accept these differences. But the horrible things she is saying will have a long-term detrimental effect imo. It's like she's trying to turn your son against you - that's terrible isn't it?

I have a few issues with my parents (nothing like you though) and how the way they behave negatively affects my dcs, and I have limited contact because of that. Even the things which can seem small and subtle have an effect and the kids notice it as they get older believe me. My parents will give my dcs stuff then expect perfect behaviour in return, and I get the snidey comments if this doesn't happen. They will also manipulate situations to get what they want by building it up with my dcs beforehand then saying they can only have it "if Mummy agrees", making me look like the bad cop if I say no. Does this sound familiar? It's hard not to feel guilty, I know, but you have to try to feel confident in knowing what's best for your son and stand up for that, for him. With the photo session, for example, I would have refused point blank and walked out. Did your ds want to do it?

From what you say, it doesn't seem like your mum is suddenly going to start listening to you, so you will have to take control of the situation and keep away from her. This is not just annoying, it's very damaging.

We had to knock the same problem on the head with a neighbour. He used to give her a bag of charity shop gleanings every single time he saw DD. I seethed because our place is too small to accommodate mountains of crap and because I want birthdays and Christmases to remain special. Fortunately he respected our request to stop.

You need to explain to your mum the difference between "spoil" and "treat". "Spoil" is a negative term. It's her prerogative to treat him but you can't let anyone spoil your child.

I think part of the problem is generational. When we were growing up in the 70s and 80s there wasn't really China pumping out super-cheap toys or Poundlands that are like Aladdin's cave. I know my own mother is a bit wistful that toys were big, carefully considered purchases when we were young - there was no such thing as impulse-buying toys with the supermarket shop. Luckily she listened to me when I said I really didn't want DD getting snowed with presents.

Hey everyone. Thanks again for all the advice I feel stronger to the situation everytime I come on here it makes me realise I am not just being a ungreatful cow.

Today was bizarre and for the first time made me wake up to the fact she is a very different gran when dh is around. I noticed when dh gave ds a row she never interupted or undermined him. I also noticed she said alot of things like "daddy is so good at...." but never once complimented me to my son.

The easter gift was by her standards ok. There was a tiny egg (with the comment mummy said I was not allowed to get you chocolate). I normally say that but have no issues with a egg at easter now he is 4. I only said no when he was 2 months old!! Anyway there was 3 books, 2 pairs of shorts and 2 t-shirts along with the small egg. I said then and there that is lovely thank you but we wont be accepting anything else until christmas and we will talk then about what is acceptable to spend. She never said a word because dh was there.

So we will see what happens over the next while and anytime I feel bad or guilty at saying no I will come back and read this and remember I AM THE PARENT and I AM doing right by my son. That is my mantra from now on!

I have for a long time thought my mum has serious issues and a fair amount of depression but where I will help and support all I can I cant allow it to be at the expense of my happiness anymore.

Thanks again to you all - its interesting to read all of your experiences too.

Broodymomma, you have a very difficult job dealing with a mom who is dealing with her emotions in this way.

Ebay sounds like a great plan. You might also want to donate to a children's charity--cancer, etc. You could probably have your son join you in giving away his "little kid" toys to others who don't have such a nice grandma!! Wink. Instill a sense of charity while getting rid of excess.

More difficult would be to teach him that he only gets to keep one gift from grandma each time he sees her and donate the rest. Best of luck!