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Original poster

I don't think its 'a rod for my own back' but everyone else does

65 replies

Belugabum · 20/04/2011 20:17

My first post on here, been mustering up the courage to write it, been really bothering me.

My baby boy has just turned 7 months old, I'm still breast feeding him which is something of an achievement as he likes to feed a lot at night (too much going on during the day, tried taking him in quiet rooms, feeds a lot during the day as well actually!). He was badly jaundiced at the beginning and with a lot of stress I managed to feed him (express, syringe and then get it on track...so it wasn't an easy start). He's now 22lbs, 99% on the percentile for height so a big boy. Healthcare advisors are saying I'm doing a good job and to keep it up, he's flourishing and the Docs, I feel proud. I've not slept a longer stretch than 2.5-3 hours in any night since he was born (welcome to parenthood) but I'm not complaining about it, I go to bed earlier (usually).

I decided to go the baby led weaning route which is fun but as you can appreciate is slower that puree route and we also bed share. The bed sharing has helped me feed him and I love waking up to his smiling face.

I don't express (I don't really want the hassle and things are fine as they are), he doesn't take a bottle and I haven't pushed it - its just been easier this way but what it means is for a while me and him are pretty much inseparable. yep, I'm still feeding to sleep....I am 100% happy with this set up and my husband but its affecting my friendships and now I am feeling very uncomfortable explaining why I'm doing these things to friends and family who quite frankly are being very unsupportive. I'm making numerous rods for my own back they say.

In June I have a close friends hen party, its an all weekender and they've booked me on it and obviously no baby allowed. I've told them this isn't possible but I'm being told to 'just express and get Dad to feed him'. I'm feeling isolated now because of the way I'm doing things.

I don't have any negative opinions about formula or bottle feeding I just want to do this my way but the last few days I've started to feel really down and questioning myself. I don't know how to deal with all the questions anymore. I just thought I was being a mum but clearly I'm making life difficult for everyone else. I went to NCT group and still in touch with them but no one else is doing the same things so I don't have any real support.

I guess my point is, do you think I've gone to far......

OP posts:

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Dropdeadfred · 20/04/2011 20:20

You ate doing what you want for yourself and your son. Don't go on the hen night if you don't want to.

Dropdeadfred · 20/04/2011 20:21

Are not ate!! And well done too!! You both sound happy!

iwantavuvezela · 20/04/2011 20:22

No you havnt .... its still a very small baby - its a pity your friends are not more supportive of your choices - just say i've chosen not to express / expressing doesnt work for me, so at the moment its not possible / or lets wait and see where the baby and i are with feeding in June ... you will have plenty of times to go out when you feel ready for it .....

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gourd · 20/04/2011 20:22

No I don't - it's up to you how you feed your baby and what your sleeping arrangements are. Our LO wont take a bottle either, but on the other hand I wouldn't want to be away from her for a weekend anyway so it's not an issue for us. Why can't Dad stay at the same hotel with baby - are you sharing a room with a friend or have you got a twin/double to yourself? If you've got your own room why can't Dad look after baby during the time you're out with friends and take a travel cot for baby?

rosie1979 · 20/04/2011 20:23

I exclusively bf - never expressed and ds never took a bottle. He went straight to a sippy cup at 12 months. I never regretted it but I didnt have a weekend away planned - do you want to go?

If you do my friend got her dd to take a bottle at 7 months - it took perserverence tho!

gourd · 20/04/2011 20:23

Do these friend have any kids? It doesn't sound like they do!

notnowbernard · 20/04/2011 20:23

No, I don't think you've gone "too far", I think you've done a bloody marvellous job

FWIW I have an 8m old and am doing pretty much what you're doing not out of choice though

You do what works for you and your baby. If you were posting asking for advice about how to manage attending the hen weekend then you'd get lots of support. Similarly, you'll get lots of support if you are asking how to manage explaining why you're not going

Sorry you feel unsupported

FetchezLaVache · 20/04/2011 20:24

Could you compromise and join them for an afternoon?

justventingreally · 20/04/2011 20:25

NBU, it's up to you how you bring up your own child.

People in RL may find it weird but you are many MNers wet dream so plenty of people on here to make you feel normal!

justventingreally · 20/04/2011 20:27

Oh, and I may have formula fed from 6 months and not co slept but no way in hell would I leave my baby to go away for someone else's hen weekend.

No way on earth.

missnevermind · 20/04/2011 20:27

No I dont.

You have raised / are raising your child how you want to.
It is also the same way I raised mine All happy well adjusted young people and I intend to do exactly the same with the next one.

ongakgak · 20/04/2011 20:28

tell the hen do people you cant make it, end of.

Next time someone tells you you are making a rod for your back, tell them it is your choice to parent as you see fit, and if friends haven't got anything nice to say to you, then they would be very welcome to keep their opinions to themselves.

I did exactly as you did, and Bf till my DS was 2. I loved it, he loved it, we are very close, it is a beautiful thing. He would not incidentally tolerate a bottle of anything!

Good for you, keep on keeping on!

MavisG · 20/04/2011 20:29

Google Attachment Parenting, find an AP group in your area - La Leche League is a good place to start, as is Slingmeet. Meet other parents who are doing it your way. I don't mean that you'll dump your old friends, but I have been down this same route (child now 2 1/4) and soooo value also having friends who do what I do. I am now totally confident about smiling and nodding and saying Thanks, but we're doing it this way, I know it's not what most people advise but it suits us - and my old friends are used to it now, I haven't lost any of them, and my AP friends understand it all completely (and are in the same boat). By the time all our kids are at school no one's going to give a toss about how other people dealt with the baby/toddler stage, and I'll be glad that I did what feels right to me.

RufousBartleby · 20/04/2011 20:30

One thing that springs to mind for me straight away is that it is not that easy to walk away from a baby that you are breast feeding extremely frequently. This may not be such a problem by June, but I made this mistake when my DS was 5 months (and I was expressing). He was fine with me being away for 24 hours, but I simply couldn't express enough milk off in his absence - ended up sobbing with pain at 4.00 in the morning because I hadn't pumped enough off - this was for a wedding, and it is not an experience I would repeat.

As far as your other choices go, I have done a lot of the same things as you ,as have friends and family with babies - and as a result I wouldn't view your choices as strange or even unusual. If you, DH and DS are happy (and it sounds like you are) I really wouldn't worry about anyone else.

missnevermind · 20/04/2011 20:30

Ohhh Justventingreally are we really MNetters wet dreams Whose? Share

MissMarjoribanks · 20/04/2011 20:32

I was invited to a hen weekend when my DS was 6mo. To make matters worse, it was my sister's. Even worse, it was a 4 hour drive away.

I didn't go. I thought about going for the day, taking mum with me and her having the baby overnight (would seriously have cramped our style) all sorts of things. Nothing topped being there to breastfeed my baby. I'd had a sticky start to bfing and I was buggered if I was going to give up once it was easy just for one night on the piss. I didn't want to spend a weekend away from him anyway, still don't actually.

If you feel uncomfortable about it now, you won't enjoy it. Everyone will have forgotten exactly who was there 2 days later anyway.

Original poster

Belugabum · 20/04/2011 20:34

The original plan I had was that I'd go on the hen do during the day and my husband (bless him) would stay close by and meet me somewhere to feed the little one when he was hungry and then I'd leave in the evening. This however was blown out of the water when we realised it was the same date as his cousins wedding in London - the hen party is in Wales. So now I'm in a bit of a mess, don't want to let my friend down, husband can't miss the wedding (which I should be going to - but is a late wedding so I'd only see the service and then bubs is going to bed). Overall the whole day is turning out to be a right mess.

I'd like to see them during the day (if hubby could swing by with him which he can't) but not during the night. To be honest I don't want to put my little one through the upheaval and change when its all really nice at the moment.

I guess it means I'm not going on the hen do, just need to explain it to them and they won't understand. None of them have children.

Same friend has told me that for her wedding I can leave my baby 2 miles away with someone else who has hired a babysitter.....just not going to happen.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 20/04/2011 20:35

It's got absolutely sod all to do with anyone else as to your parenting choices. I think it's bloody rude of them to book you onto a weekend event and then TELL you that you're going and that you have to alter your choices in order to dance to their tune.

Sounds that you're doing perfectly well to me FWIW, DD is 13mo, has been FF since 7 weeks and I STILL wouldn't leave her to go away for a weekend, we still feed to sleep and I don't care how many rods people think I am making for my own back.

bubbles12 · 20/04/2011 20:35

Another message of support for you. You sound like a really lovely mother who is happy with her choices.
As far as the hen weekend goes, if you don't want to go then that is the end of the matter. You send your apologies and that's that.
Keep going with what you feel is right.

Mondaybaby · 20/04/2011 20:35

Do things the way you feel is right for you. I am still bf at 7.5 months and co-sleep and get some negative comments from a few people but luckily a lot of my friends are doing the same things and I have come to feel very secure in my choices. There is no way I would be able to leave my dd for a night yet let alone a whole weekend and I doubt that I will be ready by June either. Don't feel bullied or pressured into doing anything you don't feel is right. Continue to follow your instincts.

redstripeyelephant · 20/04/2011 20:37

Sounds like what you are doing works for you and your family so stick at it! Just say 'it's my back and I'll make as many rods as I like'

Incidentally, I'm stressing about a hen do in july when DD2 will be 13 months- she is also BF and won't take a bottle, but it is my best friend's hen do and I'm matron of honour

notnowbernard · 20/04/2011 20:37

I think that's the key thing - "none of them have children"

Without wanting to sound patronising (I know I am though) - justwait until one of them has a baby and a big event comes up... you'll be nodding sagely, enjoying the night out because yous is now an independent child or whatever...

ib · 20/04/2011 20:39

Ds2 is 12 months and I'm still doing pretty much what you are. Yes, I'd love to get some sleep but I didn't get lucky that way with my dc (got lucky in many other ways though) :)

If I had taken two days away from either of my dc in the first year, quite aside from the effect on them I would most definitely have gotten blocked ducts, if not mastitis - I need my breasts emptied on a regular basis!

Original poster

Belugabum · 20/04/2011 20:46

Thank you all soooo much :o I've ready every single comment and you've made me feel so much better, made me laugh (mumsnet wet dreams!!!) and its inspiring hearing what you all have done as well. I was in tears yesterday feeling pretty isolated and this has given me a much needed boost. I have seen meetings with the La Leche groups on the internet and twice (when I needed to just try and talk to someone) I rang their counsellors (but got an answer phone - typical). Sounds cheesy but I'm going to listen to my heart.

Thank you xxx

OP posts:

triskaidekaphile · 20/04/2011 20:52

YANBU. You don't want to go for a full weekend, understandably, you can't go for just a day for practical reasons, so it's not going to happen. Personally I'd blame my absence on the cousin's wedding seeing as your real reason won't sound convincing to carefree child-free folks. Say your husband or your husband''s family are insisting on seeing you and the baby being there. :)

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