I don't think its 'a rod for my own back' but everyone else does

[Belugabum]

My first post on here, been mustering up the courage to write it, been really bothering me.

My baby boy has just turned 7 months old, I'm still breast feeding him which is something of an achievement as he likes to feed a lot at night (too much going on during the day, tried taking him in quiet rooms, feeds a lot during the day as well actually!). He was badly jaundiced at the beginning and with a lot of stress I managed to feed him (express, syringe and then get it on track...so it wasn't an easy start). He's now 22lbs, 99% on the percentile for height so a big boy. Healthcare advisors are saying I'm doing a good job and to keep it up, he's flourishing and the Docs, I feel proud. I've not slept a longer stretch than 2.5-3 hours in any night since he was born (welcome to parenthood) but I'm not complaining about it, I go to bed earlier (usually).

I decided to go the baby led weaning route which is fun but as you can appreciate is slower that puree route and we also bed share. The bed sharing has helped me feed him and I love waking up to his smiling face.

I don't express (I don't really want the hassle and things are fine as they are), he doesn't take a bottle and I haven't pushed it - its just been easier this way but what it means is for a while me and him are pretty much inseparable. yep, I'm still feeding to sleep....I am 100% happy with this set up and my husband but its affecting my friendships and now I am feeling very uncomfortable explaining why I'm doing these things to friends and family who quite frankly are being very unsupportive. I'm making numerous rods for my own back they say.

In June I have a close friends hen party, its an all weekender and they've booked me on it and obviously no baby allowed. I've told them this isn't possible but I'm being told to 'just express and get Dad to feed him'. I'm feeling isolated now because of the way I'm doing things.

I don't have any negative opinions about formula or bottle feeding I just want to do this my way but the last few days I've started to feel really down and questioning myself. I don't know how to deal with all the questions anymore. I just thought I was being a mum but clearly I'm making life difficult for everyone else. I went to NCT group and still in touch with them but no one else is doing the same things so I don't have any real support.

I guess my point is, do you think I've gone to far......

:(

I support you too! Please don't worry. I am not going to my sister's hen weekend for the same reason - my DS will be be 9 months old and is BF and doesn't take a bottle. Plus I am not ready to leave him! I am going to join the party for lunch (with my DS!). I am lucky that my sister is totally fine with this....and so should your friend be. Stand firm and good luck.

I think you are brilliant and you are NOT making a rod for your back. Tbh you don't sound as if you really want to go on the hen weekend and there is nothing wrong with that. Atm your main focus is your little one and why not? I agree that when (if) your friends have children of there own that will change. I was a completely different person pre DD. Keep with what you want. Be selfish. It's ok to tell people no if you don't want to so something

LLL counsellors are all mums, many with young children, so not always available on the phone but worth trying again - or go to a meeting if you can. They're very informal and will be very supportive.

DS is 9 months and we have followed a similar path to yours. Its not a rod for your own back he is your son and you are doing what you feel is best for the both of you. I wouldn't go either, I'd be worrying about baby too much and have HUGE sore boobs. Follow your heart.

I'd blame absence on wedding too, tbh. I did the same feeding thing with both of mine (that said, I hate hen parties so would have very merrily used them as an excuse). Just smile sweetly at people and then tell them you get a kick of out self-flagellation.

Sounds like you're a lovely mum. In your situation I wouldn't even attempt to go either.

I'd try not to discuss the way you do things unless necessary tbh, unless you think people are likely to be supportive. I've had some negative comments about co-sleeping and feeding to sleep so now I don't volunteer information unless anyone asks directly or I have to say something.

I felt very much the odd one out of our NCT group, who were all meeting for nights out (both parents - LOs with babysitters) when I was at home with DS.

Kellymom has some good suggestions on dealing with criticism on bf. The World Health Organisation says to keep feeding 'frequently and on-demand' till the age of 2, so you can tell people you're only following the health advice on baby feeding.

DS is 15 m.o. and bf, and will happily be left without milk with DH of an evening or all day without missing me at all. I feed him to sleep but DH can rock him to sleep. But I'm not at the stage where I could leave him overnight yet, let alone for a weekend.

Like lots of people, I had similarly dismissive views about babies before I had one... I don't think non-parents realise how special & intense the bond between you and your baby is.

(If you've not already come across it, you might find the No-Cry Sleep Solution worth a read on helping your baby sleep better without stopping co-sleeping.)

Your baby's still so little, I couldn't possibly have left mine for so long at that age (I know some people have to for work etc., so am not judging but I totally understand not wanting to). I'm still BF my second at 13 months and very tied to her, because she isn't keen to stop. I couldn't go away from her overnight yet, but I wouldn't want to. There's no shame in that.

And hen dos are the devil's work anyway. Well out of it I say. Vicky is right, you'd have sore boobs, miss your baby and probably not get into the swing of it.

It does happen when you have a baby that friendships shift, some old friends may have to readjust (or fall by the wayside) and you make new friends who understand your life. I'm not saying ditch everyone you knew before - good friends will last through this. But don't be pressured into being who you were before if or when you don't feel like it.

Just tell them that he's not taking a bottle, besides his dad's got a wedding that day and you've checked, but kennels and catteries don't take babies

this isn't a how you're parenting him thing, it's an inconsiderate friend thing, loads of breastfed babies refuse to take bottles, so why he isn't having one is irrelevant and his other parent isn't available to look after him anyway - they can't just expect you to dump a baby be because it suits them

I did just what you did.I'm still breastfeeding my dd who is three (um..nearly four) and we co-sleep.Much to the horror of all and sundry.But you know,all and sundry aren't bringing up my dds,I am,and my dh is,and we are happy with it,the girls are happy with it,and that is all I care about.I do remember a friend suggesting I leave my dd overnight with DH when she was about 9m old, so that I could go to my God-daughter's 18th, but I couldn't do it,and I still would hate to be away from the girls overnight. Honestly they are small for such a short time really,enjoy your lovely baby and block out anything else.YOU are the Mama!

Well, Ive never left my DD longer than one night (with DH) and she is nearly two! And I stopped feeding her at 7 months so its not because I "can't" leave her.

7 months is very very young still. When your DS is my DDs age, getting on for two, 7 months will seem so tiny. My DD only now at nearly two has understanding enough to self settle and know that we are nearby and not be distressed. You'll feel ready to leave your DS when the time is right. I'm only now at the point where Id be happy to leave DD with a babysitter (friend she knows, not a stranger).

PS I don't believe the rods and backs thing. I think children sleep through and all the rest of it when they are psychologically mature enough to do so.

I agree with the advice about not discussing you parenting choices unless you know you will het support. I don't talk about how dd, who is nearly 5 to is still sleeping with us. People don't understand. It works for us. She will only go to sleep easily for me and so I don't go out if it means I will be out when she is going to bed. People think I should leave her with DH but although she will go to sleep for him she gets upset. Many people think I have made a rod for my back but the way I.look at it is that she is my only one and in a few years she will be.off and independent and I want to make the most of this.time. so I smile at people who call me mad.for doing this.and I ignore them. Trust yourself.

You are doing brilliantly. Sorry your friends aren't more understanding, but listen to your heart and your baby and your boobs! I could never have left my BF/cosleeping son for a weekend at that age even if I'd wanted to. What you are doing will pay dividends for years and years to come, long after a hen weekend has been forgotten. I had plenty of 'rod for your back' comments, but I look at my healthy, secure, confident little boy now and know beyond doubt that it was totally worth it!

Hellymelly I'm glad to know I'm not alone in co sleeping with my "older" DD.

Another one here who is still parenting in a very similar way and has missed/only gone to vastly reduced portions of hen-dos as a result. Although no-one ever said anything directly, I did get a feeling that some people perhaps thought I was being a bit PFB but ultimately there was no way I was going to put DS, DH and me all through an ordeal for the sake of a couple of nights away drinking.

To be fair, pre-DS I had pretty-much zero idea what it would really be like or how I feel and I think I'd have assumed that you could 'just leave them with dad and some bottles.' I know that would work out fine for some people, and that's great, but it would not have worked for us. Will be interesting to see what happens when some of my friends have DC of there own......

DS is 17 months now and I've been invited to another hen-do later this year. It's not massively far from home, and I've tentively said I'll do one night but it will completely down to where we are at with feeding/sleeping by then.

Good luck - sounds like you're doing fine

their not there

You sound like you are doing a fab job.

If it is any comfort there is no way I would have done this with either of my dd's. (in fact the first time I left dd1 was to go to hospital to have dd2 when she was 2.5 & the first time I left DD2 was when I was in hospital after breaking my ankle when she was 22 months)

Even now when they are 2.2 & 4.6 I would rather not leave them to be away on a hen night (they'd be happy for me to go & have great fun with DH )

I have brought all 3 of mine up the same way OP. They haven't turned out to be "rods", just happy children who still sleep with me sometimes.
The one thing I regret about early months with DS1 is going to my friend's wedding. I felt out of place and I was in agony all night in the hotel expressing milk into the toilet - the baby was fine but I was utterly miserable - don't do it!

Good lord a weekend away! Sure the baby will be fine, but you'll be in agony!

If mine just gets distracted and doesn't feed for 5 or 6 hours then things start getting uncomfortable for me.

Just tell them that you can't make it, you don't have to give reasons. In the same way with friends, there is no need to tell them anything about your parenting-just quietly do it your way.

I hate people who have hen weekends. Honestly, can't they confine their narcissism to a single evening? A night is fun, a whole weekend is money & time I may not want to spend on someone else's pre-wedding party, for a whole host of reasons, up to and including a breastfed baby.

And you sound like you're doing a great job.

Another vote for you here. You are doing everything right in my book- but then it might just be because you and I have made v similar choices. DS is 14 months and still bfed to sleep in our bed, where he sometimes stays to sleep too. Like you, I love watching him wake up and smile when he sees us next to him. Like you I get rod-related comments and like you I have had to explain to a childless, clueless bride that I would not leave my 9month old bfed baby for an entire afternoon (for child-free wedding). Stick to your guns and try to explain- though they are unlikely toubderstand if they do not have children yet.

My lovely health visitor told me that something is only a problem if it is a problem to you. So if waking in the night doesn't phase you, it isn't a problem. She pointed our that problem babies are only problems compared to the expectations we get from books written by people who don't know us.

My style is very similar to your's, and yes, I get some comments sometimes, especially as I carry 8 mo old dd in a wrap most of the time. But we are confident we are doing it the right way for us, and dd is happy.

We are BLW, and you'd be surprised how much they can eat. Dd packs it away, but won't be fed, she is an independent soul. She won't take a bottle either.

As long as you, your DH and your DC are happy everyone else should mind their own business. Lots of mums do things differently but there is no right way. Your friends need to accept that at this point in your life your child comes before a hen party - its not like you'd be able to drink anyway if you BF. You stick to your guns and enjoy your tight family unit while you can.