I don't think its 'a rod for my own back' but everyone else does

[Belugabum]

My first post on here, been mustering up the courage to write it, been really bothering me.

My baby boy has just turned 7 months old, I'm still breast feeding him which is something of an achievement as he likes to feed a lot at night (too much going on during the day, tried taking him in quiet rooms, feeds a lot during the day as well actually!). He was badly jaundiced at the beginning and with a lot of stress I managed to feed him (express, syringe and then get it on track...so it wasn't an easy start). He's now 22lbs, 99% on the percentile for height so a big boy. Healthcare advisors are saying I'm doing a good job and to keep it up, he's flourishing and the Docs, I feel proud. I've not slept a longer stretch than 2.5-3 hours in any night since he was born (welcome to parenthood) but I'm not complaining about it, I go to bed earlier (usually).

I decided to go the baby led weaning route which is fun but as you can appreciate is slower that puree route and we also bed share. The bed sharing has helped me feed him and I love waking up to his smiling face.

I don't express (I don't really want the hassle and things are fine as they are), he doesn't take a bottle and I haven't pushed it - its just been easier this way but what it means is for a while me and him are pretty much inseparable. yep, I'm still feeding to sleep....I am 100% happy with this set up and my husband but its affecting my friendships and now I am feeling very uncomfortable explaining why I'm doing these things to friends and family who quite frankly are being very unsupportive. I'm making numerous rods for my own back they say.

In June I have a close friends hen party, its an all weekender and they've booked me on it and obviously no baby allowed. I've told them this isn't possible but I'm being told to 'just express and get Dad to feed him'. I'm feeling isolated now because of the way I'm doing things.

I don't have any negative opinions about formula or bottle feeding I just want to do this my way but the last few days I've started to feel really down and questioning myself. I don't know how to deal with all the questions anymore. I just thought I was being a mum but clearly I'm making life difficult for everyone else. I went to NCT group and still in touch with them but no one else is doing the same things so I don't have any real support.

I guess my point is, do you think I've gone to far......

:(

Tbh, nothing you're doing sounds wrong per se, however, you sound quite isolated and probably should make more of an effort to mix with othe rpeople.

And as an addendum, I don't think anyone is criticising the methods you are using for feeding/sleeping/eating/etc., but rather, are concerned about your isolation.

I think we've all seen "one or two" go batshit crazy when the child starts school.

OP, I haven't read this thread but just want to say that everything you are saying sounds normal to me. I was a volunteer at a bf group and lots of mums did exactly what you are doing. I would recommend getting in touch with your local La Leche League or similar, so that you can connect with people who are parenting in the same way as you. And I would just refuse the hen party. Don't explain or apologise - just do it your way.

another cheer from here!

I have a 5 month old DD and am back at work so have the feeding thing sort of sorted-ish. So in theory I could go away for a weekend - but I don't think either she or I would be very happy about it, and even after a few months of expressing lots I would worry about my supply if I missed a whole weekend of "proper" milk removal - they're not the same thing.

I thoroughly enjoyed going out on the lash pre-DD and most of my friends were equally happy to consume vast quantities of booze on a regular basis - I even worried I'd miss it too much and resent having baby. And then baby arrived and the thought of spending a whole weekend with pissed people (or hungover people) or even getting properly drunk is just horrendous! I would never, never have understood/believed that beforehand (and I would say that's just another wonderful gift that DD has given me - but there's you may not have a sick bucket handy...)

Don't feel you have to explain yourself too much: chances of them understanding, no matter what you say, are slim. You have a lucky baby!

I'd still not be sure about going away for a hen weekend and my children are 4 and nearly 6!

I had to refuse going to a hen do and a wedding (children weren't invited) when my 2 were babies. I was the first of my friends to have babies, so my childless friends probably didn't get it either. You just have to say that you'd have loved to but it simply isn't possible.

Glad you're getting all this support, it's tough being told your not doing the job of being a mum right as we're all trying our best for our children - you're doing great.

I've never seen anyone so unprepared for their child starting school that they have gone 'batshit crazy'.

OP, you might lose a friend or two, be prepared for that - especially if none of them has a child yet. People can be really hurt by your changed priorities...I couldn't cope with being a bridesmaid when my first son was 8 weeks old, on the other side of the country, travelling alone with him on the train and staying in someone's house for a few nights.

I just couldn't face it. I nearly lost my best friend because of it as it was her wedding, and she was so devastated that I wasn't there, we fell out big time for ages. It was awful. I think she understood in the end, once she had her own children. But it was horrid knowing I couldn't do it and she would be so upset/angry.

Go with your instinct but please don't worry if people are a bit horrid about it, it's hard to explain if people just don't understand.

Just to add my bit - haven't left my son yet for a night and he's 2.9 - I could do it now as we stopped bfing 3 months ago but I just don't want to. Your friends won't understand but the minute they have a baby they will. I had no idea before I had a baby.

And this 'rod for your own back' thing - we co-slept, fed to sleep, breast fed on demand, never left him to cry, used a sling all the time, all this has changed without a battle in time, usually a time of our ds's choosing, rather than ours. We used to joke about people who said things like that - I'd say to dh 'don't think you should be putting him in a nappy you know, it's just making a rod for your own back, how will he ever learn, after all he's 4 months old now!' not funny really but at the time it was hilarious.

Brokenbanana I was pleased to see I'm not alone too! My two still co-sleep,they are six and nearly four,and it is lovely. My older one does have her own bed,but she doesn't want to sleep in it yet!

sounds like you are doing great and most importantly, enjoying your choices. I guess you might just have to accept that there are going to be times when you can't be part of the things you might once have done, like hen weekends.

Another one who's doing the same as you, dd2 is nearly 8 months old, we co-sleep and she feeds 3 times a night or so. I feed her to sleep, carry her around in a baby carrier, I have made myself lots of rods

OP don't listen to what anyone thinks of your parenting!

I was in a similar situation to yours when my DS was littler. I have never been able to express much milk whether by hand or pump (and I've tried quite a few, even hospital grade ones). DS slept little as a newborn and never did more than 2 hours a stretch, so my sleep was very poor and I felt like a walking zombie all the while. But I felt very strongly about wanting to BF him exclusively for the first 6 months at least, despite suggestions from family, friends, even my husband, that perhaps he's not sleeping well because my milk isn't "rich" enough to satisfy DS because I'm so skinny, rubbish, he gained lots of weight right from the start just from drinking my own milk exclusively! So when that argument went right out the window, they said that I should give him a bottle and that its not worth all the hardwork of bf-ing... I refused to give him a bottle, though I did go out with DH ONCE during my DS's first year of life and had to get a nanny to look after the kids whilst we were gone, and because I couldn't express, that was the only instance in which I gave him a bottle of formula. He didn't like it very much anyway, was the feedback I got from the nanny when I returned.

By the 6th month I was really very exhausted as DS still would not sleep more than 2 hours at a stretch. And I had 2 other DCs to look after at the same time - one who is 18mths older than DS so really still a toddler, and the other was about 6 years older. I decided not to do BLW as I hoped maybe if he ate solids then he wouldn't need to bf that much anymore. He turned out to be a very good eater, ate loads of solids right from the start, but he still bf-ed very often and its a miracle he was never overweight (though my side of the family has petite and stick-thin genes so he probably got that). When he was about 15 mths I decided to wean him off bf-ing. I was that tired by then. He was still not sleeping more than 2 hours at a stretch, and quite frankly I just felt so exhausted I just could not do it any longer. I have suffered at least 4 mastitis episodes by then, and fell ill a couple of times due to lack of sleep, including a cold which developed into a persistent cough which prevented me from even sleeping an hour into the night that didn't go away for 3 weeks - It amazes me how my DS wasn't the least bit bothered by that persistent horrible cough and was just too content to be near me/my breast at that time!

I weaned him off gradually, and in a month, he could live without bf quite happily. But he still had trouble sleeping for longer than 2 hours and now the bf was stopped, it was even harder for him to sleep. Took him to the GP and GP found nothing physically wrong with him that was causing the sleeping issue. We tried many methods to get him to sleep. Managed to help him to sleep for about 4 hours a stretch. Anyway, we co-slept throughout... then we tried to get him to sleep in his own cot some time after he turned 2 - he never was happy sleeping in his own cot since he was newborn. He resisted at first, then it got better... Anyway, today, he sleeps in his own cot for 10 to 12 hours every night almost now... He wakes up quite frequently during the night still, this is what I've observed - as my bed is still right next to his cot - this is the only way he will have it! But nowadays, he's actually talking (he's turning 3 in a couple of months) and his level of comprehension much better, a bit more "grown up" than before, and I can actually explain things to him like "he's a big boy now, he must sleep in his own cot, mummy's right here next to you in her own bed." that sort of thing.

I can't even really remember how it all got to this stage... from only being able to sleep 2 hours max at a stretch, to sleeping 10 - 12 hours every night almost! But I think all this hard work is worth it. Yes, I've had to sacrifice my social life in order to get this far... but whenever I look at him today, I am happy I did what I did and was glad I never buckled down to any "peer pressure"...

So OP please do what you feel is right. If you feel very strongly about your parenting decisions, then by all means listen to your inner voice and do what it says. People can have their opinions all they like, but you are the mum.

I ebf my ds on demand (every 2 hours) day and night for the first 6 months and co-slept as well. At 6 months, I had had enough of the being up at night, so put him in his own room, stopped bfing at night and started solids all in the same week. But I continued to bf in the day until he was 13 months. Ds took to sleeping through the night like a trooper (he is 10 now and sleeps so soundly that he has been known to fall out of a top bunk and not even wake up). I expressed every once in awhile so that I could have the occasional night out and ds was perfectly happy having the milk from a bottle. He never had a bottle otherwise and we went straight to sippy cups when he was old enough. Now at 10, Ds loves food, eats everything and never gets into my bed at night. In contrast, my dd had really bad hidden reflux so we started giving her bottles of a special stay down formula to supplement the bfing at 5 months. I had put her in her own room at 3 months because she was such a restless sleeper and neither she nor I were happy with her in our bed. (dh is oblivious and will sleep through world war 3). We started solids at 6 months and she quit bfing at 11 months. Now at 8, dd loves food, eats everything and gets into my bed 2 or 3 times a week. Every child is different and needs different things. And every parent is different and has different tolerances. So please don't let people scare you into thinking you are setting bad habits. Do what works for you and for your child.

Mu DD is 3.4 and I've been out for the evening exactly twice since she was born. I breastfed for a year, despite thinking before she was born that I'd do the minimum 6 weeks and then give it up!! I wouldn't leave her for a whole night even now. I took (and still take) a bit of stick for this, but mainly from people who either do not have children, or whose children were born 20-30 years ago.

If you're not comfortable with it, don't go. You won't enjoy it anyway because you'll be stressed about your baby.

Oh, and I still lie down with her and wait till she's asleep before creeping out of the room! And EVERY night she gets into bed with us eventually. So what. I wouldn't miss it for the world.