Only children - what do you think

[Outdoorsmum]

Our DS is 3, and I really want another one, DH doesn't want another one ( reasons: cost, all the hard work, age - he is 43). I feel really guilty about DS being an only child. Feel jealous when my friends are haivng thier 2nd babies. I keep thinking about getting pregnant 'by mistake'. Age is an issue too - I'm 38. Just feel so upset about this. Is there any one else feeling like this?

We are gradually selling the baby stuff on Ebay, which is the final step of saying "no more". There are some things I can't part with at the moment - but maybe that would be normal even if I had 3.

early bird, hulababy & Willow, I'm another one trying to cope with the increasing liklihood of not being able to have another baby. My Ds is 2 and I've had 2 mc since him, possibly due to my age (40). I've tried every barking alternative thing I can find, made dietary changes adn now 18m down the line am begiing to VERY gradually acept that this may be teh way things are. I Think perhaps as a generation we are so used o being able to have hwat we want when we want & to things being fixed/mended that its very hard to accoet that some things seem out of our control for wahtever reason. Part of me feels incredibly greedy for wanting so much more than some people ever get.
I still cry every month when my period comes adn see it as some great big ticking time bomb until my eggs are all gone. I ahve quite a lot of problems accepting teh fact DSwill be an only one, despite having a brother myself - we're not at all close despite my efforts adn I hate teh thought that DS is going to grow up all alone. Neither DH or I are particularly outgoing sociable people & I'm quite nervous of teh amount of effort I'm going to have to mkae to compensate for this in DS' life.

sorry this has turned into abit of an unload - am just releived to hear that I'm not tteh only one going through all this. too emotional to spell chek

i like them. - only children that is.

I need to come to terms with it all, it certainly must be along the lines of oaktree - all the high expectations everyone has of everything in life and our ability to control the things we want and how we live our lives. It is really nice to read the positive comments about only children cos so much is negative about it.

I have done google searches on 'only children' and up come websites, chat forums and info on conferences to help only children come to terms with being only ones and help them with all the negative stuff they feel. I know there must be similiar to help siblings deal with each other but still it made me feel shocked. Especially to read 'case studies' of their negative feelings - I know you can find something negative in most things but it was upsetting to see these sites.

Anyway I will post here again once I have spoken to DH and see if he is prepared to think postively about trying for another one. I feel 99% sure he will say no though. I need to deal with it all before my daydreams of another baby a become really too painful.

Ok outrageous suggestions follow for which I apologise in advance. They're not to be taken in isolation,s imply as part of the mix... So two points:

1. Have a friend who's an only and is now looking after two aged parents on her own. No-one to share it/them/cost/anything with - not funny.
2. I'm one of three and one died, very suddenly in fact. We were all devastated, but partic my parents. My remaining brother and I were a major reason for parents to "carry on" and battle through the early, and very very, dark days. We were happy to do this, but must admit it could have been too big a burden on my own. In fact thed horrible situation has in fact brought live brother and I much closer...

So def have two, to ease the burden on your kids, not you, and if you can have three so if you lose one you've got two and they have each other... Told you it would be dark and unpopular.

Very interesting thread - I have only one child (DD 22 mths) at the present time I really don't want another - but I have started to think about whether this is best for Jessica. Still haven't come to any conclusions, but one point I would like to make about only child feeling dutiful to parents, is that I am one of 3 but only daughter so I feel dutiful as I am the only daughter and don't get a lot of help from brothers on day to day care.

I think there are pros and cons on whatever the family unit but still have a niggling feeling that I should have another even though I don't really want to.

I'm an only child but I don't consider that I've had any major problems as a result of it. Our family is far from perfect but no more or less so than any other family with any number of siblings.

As other people have said, having brothers and sisters doesn't mean you will get on with them. I've seen my Mum and Dad have major fallings out with their siblings. As for caring for elderly parents, my Mum has 3 brothers and she takes virtually all the responsibility for looking after my elderly grandad.

If you want another baby it's something you have to sort out with your dh, but don't assume your DS will grow up with major problems if he's an only child.

Outdoorsmum, I'm glad I'm not the only one who Googled the issue...

Wanted to add good wishes for the chat with DH: definitely agree that the first step is to make sure you both feel heard by the other.

As for me - when we reach our 'thats it' limit (a few more months, but at least we've set one) I'll search out this thread for a repeat dose of reassurance: have really been helped by many of the posts.

I asked my 5 year old if he liked it better before or after his baby brother (5 months) was born. He said, before, because you weren't always holding someone else and played with me more. I have friend who's 24 who echoes these sentiments who has a sibling 7 years younger than she is. And as someone else said, I'm starting from scratch again and it's more tiring the older you are. Both ways are great - I love my baby but wish I had more time for my boy now he's at school.

Talked with DH this weekend - he is quite sure he doesn't want another one. For lots of reasons - financial, age, it being hard work with the one up to now and having no time for other things. So I don't know what to do, feel really down about it all. Must just come to terms with our DS being an only. I don't know anyone I'm close to who has an only child.

Outdoorsmum - I am so sorry that your DH fels like this, when you would like him to be more open to another child. that must be hard.
But honestly, I think the hard part is on you. Bellieve me, if you google only children, the only people posting about it will be people who are not happy with it, not those who are! I visit sites for parents of children with clubfoot, and it can be terrifying, because of course, the only people who post are thise seeking solutions to problems. yoou have to remember that.

My DS is an only child, and he seems very happy, stable, social, etc etc. We make sure he has lots of contact with cousins, friends, and we make sure he lives the life of a child, not annexed to all our adult activities (what am I talking about? what adult activities??). I tend to think he will continue to be happy in himself, and happy with who he is. And I think that is because we are happy with our choice.

I know your choice would be different, but it is your choice that has been impeded, not your DS's. You may be transferring your anxieties about your own need to have another child into worrying about DS.

I am very sorry that your DH is so adamant, but you don't need to turn that into guilt over DS.

Oh Outdoorsmum, I'm sorry.....did you at least feel heard and understood, even if the end result is no more kids? That would matter, to me.

I also agree wholeheartedly with Blu... I think your DS will be fine, and know in my heart of hearts that 'only' is NOT the same as 'lonely'. But you (understandably) sound as though you do feel lonely in the situation, just now. I know from all too much experience how tough it can feel to be 'different' - though amazingly, every time I finally get ok with my 'difference' (had lots) I suddenly find others in the same boat. I hope you do, too.

Meantime, there's lots of us here on MN, for what its worth...

xxC

((shhhhhhh...I'd get pg by 'mistake'))

Outdoorsmum I'm so sorry the conversation with your DH went the way it did. I was thinking about you this weekend.

I can fully understand the sadness you must be feeling as I've been there myself countless times. But I agree with Blu that you must now concentrate on the wonderful DS you have already and not feel guilty about him being an only child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and I know lots of people who've made this choice and are more than happy, as are their children.

My DD was an only child until she was aged 7 when DS finally came along and I can honestly say, she is no happier now than before as she was already a cheerful little thing with lots of friends. I always used to tell her that I loved her so much that I didn't have any love left for a brother or sister and that always made her feel very special. So much so that I'm surprised she hasn't questioned it since DS came along!!

The times ahead will be very hard as you try and come to terms with this path but please, please remember all the good you have already. So many people are unable to have any children at all so those of us with one are already more fortunate than others.

Sending love and hugs to you.

I haven't been around in a day or so and am just now finding this thread. I am sorry to hear that your conversation with your dh did not go the way you had hoped. Perhaps in time his attitude will soften.

I am in a very similar situation. We had talked about having two when I was newly pregnant with ds. Then pregnancy got complicated, birth was a horrific experience and I had PND for over a year.

Now that ds is 2 (and I am 40 ) I am really starting to want a second. Dh is still so traumatised over my PND he is very wary. Also, he is 57 and has issues about whether he has the energy for a second.

I have an appointment this month to go over the various complications of pregnancy and see if a second is really feasible and have started therapy (again!) to deal with birth trauma. Have also decided to meditate and focus on whether there is a spirit baby waiting for me. I really feel intuitively that there is, but only time will tell.

In the meantime, I am also concentrating on enjoying the time I spend with ds. As has been said before, it goes by so quickly and I don't want to squander any of it by obsessing over another baby that may or may not materialize.

outdoorsmum
just to say that you know I'm in the situation of probably only having 1 child, but for slighlty differnt reasons. Am trying very hard to focus on that & all teh good things in my life otherwise I think I would sink into a real depression. all I can say is try & do the same and think of the fact that you ahve one beautiful child which is so much more than so many ever ahve. I know nothing wil make teh yearning go away - it jst jas to be lived with.

outdoorsmum
just to say that you know I'm in the situation of probably only having 1 child, but for slighlty differnt reasons. Am trying very hard to focus on that & all teh good things in my life otherwise I think I would sink into a real depression. all I can say is try & do the same and think of the fact that you ahve one beautiful child which is so much more than so many ever ahve. I know nothing wil make teh yearning go away - it jst jas to be lived with.

Your messages are helping, I know I must concentrate on the good things and really make our family unit happy and strong, regardless of the fact we have one or 2 children. I still have such a strong urge for another child, and I so wish I were 5 or 10 years younger and so were my DH. But we aren't so I must focus on what we do have. I guess in time it will get better.
I need to improve relationship with DH - I didn't and don't feel heard with him. Also feel lonely as I don't have any close friends. Anyway thanks to everyone who helped, it is so good to know I am not alone.

I like only children too, and Custy's one of the nicest I know

I come from a different place; we had fertility treatment to conceive DD (after 3 miscarriages as well) and she is a miracle. We would love to have more (although not just yet - she's only 11 weeks old) but have just found out that my system has got even worse whilst I was pregnant, my risk of miscarriage has increased and they want to do a hysterectomy ASAP.

I have spent the last 2 weeks thinking all this through and wishing we could have a sister or brother for DD but then yesterday it struck me (when she was smiling at me) that she is a miracle and I should count my blessings. Now I just have to learn how not to spoil her too rotten!

jane 313 - sorry for delay in responding - don't think you ever stop feeling a bit sad at certain moments, but the turning point for me was finding out I had a FSH of 112 - bit too high to do anything other than accept the facts. That was a year in though - was told I had POF and prescribed HRT but about year later came off my meds and went for more tests. FSH result rammed it home that it was all over. Didn't fancy egg donation so decided to call it a day.

I'm the mum of three littlies and I've just spent the afternoon with the daughter of an only family. She was absolutely delightful, confident and got all the children we were with playing together. I'm happy with my family but I also think you mums of onlies should celebrated what we mums of bigger families can't do. You are free to take your onlies to anything and everything, a lot of which I can't do with such young children. You can devote all your energies to making there life full of experience. I really feel you can offer something unique and productive to your child that bigger families can't. good luck to you all.

I am an only child and had a fantastic childhood, cant ever remember wanting a sibling. My parents worked hard to make sure I always had other children to play with, fortunate to have lots of cousins so fairly easy. I had to go through lots of IVF to get DD1, I honestly felt that I could not go through it again so resigned ourself to the fact that we would have only one. However, got pregnant by accident and have another DD. I was in total turmoil once I found out I was pregnant again. How could I love another child as much as my daughter, how could I love them equally, will my daughter miss out on things. Looking back it all seems quite silly as I love then both the same. But on a few occasions I still do miss having those very special times with dd1. I dont mean this nastily and love DD2 so much but I do miss the one on one relationship that you have with one daughter, and it is so much easier to do things with one than two. I am so happy with my 2, but I was totally happy with just one dd. Concentrate on all the good times you can have with your child, all those experiences. We are all so lucky that we have the options of having more children, some unfortunate people would do anything to just have once child.

Totally agree that we are lucky - there are so many people who can't have even one child. However, you are wrong in saying that "We are all so lucky that we have the options of having more children" - maybe it's a typing error, but a lot of people who have posted on this thread do not have that option.

Having another child won't necessarily make your DS any happier, but if you fall into the trap of obsessing about another child then that will impact on your ds.

There is so much that you can do with an only child that you can't do when you have more than one. I know a lot of lovely, happy one child families - it sounds as though it would be nice for you to meet some too