Only children - what do you think

[Outdoorsmum]

Our DS is 3, and I really want another one, DH doesn't want another one ( reasons: cost, all the hard work, age - he is 43). I feel really guilty about DS being an only child. Feel jealous when my friends are haivng thier 2nd babies. I keep thinking about getting pregnant 'by mistake'. Age is an issue too - I'm 38. Just feel so upset about this. Is there any one else feeling like this?

getting pg by mistake would be an even bigger mistake, dont do it.

i have to say, i have 2 dd's age 3 and 1 and the 2nd baby doesnt really cost as much as the 1st, if you have kept all your baby stuff, and it helps if your 2nd baby is the same sex.

although obviously you will have twice as much nursery fees etc if you use these facilities

but one thing i did find was it set us back another couple of years, we had got to the stage where with dd1 we were able to go out and about with no bag full of nappies, wipes, bibs, bottles etc, and we have gone back 2 yrs with dd2, we are restricted again with buggies etc

but im happy now with my 2 and i do think its worth it, when they play together

but OBVIOUSLY everyone and every family is different

hope things work out for you x

i have a only one, there have been times when i would have liked another baby, my ds started school in september he is making new friends & mixes really well ,when i was growing up with my sister we didnt play together as we never got on well, & had differant veiws about everything.i dont think it matters how many children you have its how you bring them up ,there is for & against having one or more. i feel happy been a mum to one son.

Of course every family is different and there is no right or wrong answer. BUT I have to say that as an only child myself with wonderful parents who did everything they could to bring me up surrounded by other children (neighbours and cousins etc) my personal gut feeling is have more than one if you possibly can and the circumstances are right for you.
I always wished I had someone as a child to share my childs-eye view of my parents and now someone to share the burden of their old age. As an only child you grow up in a very adult-centred world (we only ever listened to classical music, went on bird watching holidays etc). Now with my own 2 I see how having more than 1 changes the balance from adult-centred to child centred in a house.
I know I had all sorts of privileges as an only child (private schools and a pony) that I wouldn't have had if I had a sibling but I would gladly have given them up for a brother or sister. I even used to fantasise that I had a brother or sister just to argue with and I know as a teenager I argued with my mum just because she was the only one there.
And still at the age of 40 people say to me 'Oh are you an only child? I would never have guessed!' because of the ridiculous spoilt lonely only stereotypes.

Sorry to be so heated. You've hit a raw nerve and again different families must all make different choices.

I am an 'only' and agree with many of shimmy's points. I did not however really long for a brother or sister when young, it's only in retrospect I feel it might've been a good thing for me - lightened me up a bit, perhaps as a kid.

I was a quiet,introspective sort of child (although I know a little girl now who is the complete opposite to me in personality as an only child..) I still have no problem with my own company and rather crave it after a while. I feel now at 40 it might be nice to have a sibling - no-one else really understands the 'dynamics' of a family like those that are part of it, so friends cannot always fill that gap. It's not something that eats away at me though. I had a lovely childhood and that's what counts totally. I know many people have brothers and sisters whom they barely see, so maybe I have a somewhat rosy tint on what it's like.

Also agree with the 'parents getting older' comment - although mine have always been fit and well and had me when they were young, they are now running into some health problems which worry me. Again though, I know of examples where despite there being siblings, problems to do with the welfare of the parents often fall to just one of the children, so who's to say that a brother or sister would be around to help or show an interest? Many don't it seems to me.

My parents were fun to be with because they were young themselves, but I can see it can become a bit of a 'triangular' relationship - almost like you are part of the adults and have to grow up to catch them up and join in with them. Every success I had never went un-noticed - I had their full attention, but likewise, any failure on my part was rather magnified. Nothing to offset it against, which could become tiresome.

Only children can often feel quite 'dutiful' to their parents and don't wish to disappoint - I know I am very like that even now which annoys me a bit about myself.

I wanted more than one child for some of the above reasons. I got more than I bargained for though, and feel quite bemused sometimes observing my three together. The noise, negotiations and endless shifting hierarchy of it all is quite beyond me at times - I am learning it now with them.

wow Tinygang -I think you are me!!!

Specially agree with your comments about feeling dutiful and being comfortable in your own company.
And although I have always had a rose-tinted fantasy of a Waltons style extended family I actually find it quite hard to deal with dh's great big extended family (more East Enders than Waltons.) How on earth can they hear each other when they are all talking at once?

My DH never wanted another baby after our DD and I tried to go along with that for a long time. But when she started school, I just couldn't seem to get over my desire for another little one, I suppose school was a huge turning point in my DD not being 'a baby' any longer. DD also used to go on and on about having a brother or sister as she could see she was 'different' to most other children in her class (only 3 'onlys')

Eventually DH brought up the issue and said I wanted a second more than he didn't, and he could see how much I was suffering. I also think he felt that at some stage in the future I'd hold him responsible for my sadness and I think in hindsight, he may have been right.

Anyway, we had another and now I have a DD of 7 years and a DS of 7 months and it is the best, best, best feeling in the world. I'm absolutely loving my new life with two children and feel like a new mum all over again (as I'm on my own with DS most of the day whilst DD is at school) but with the experience of having one already.

And DD and DS worship each other

Hope you make the right decision but IMO, it needs to be a joint decision with both of you understanding where you could end up whatever path you choose. Good luck.

Thanks so much for all your comments - makes me think, it's such a hard issue when one partner wants another and the other doesn't. Your comments re-inforced my view of how nice it would be to have another one.

We have found it hard with our DS, and I know DH is worried about how we would cope - he does a lot with our DS, and we seem to devote nearly all our hometime to our DS leaving practically no time for anything else. Our relationship has suffered a bit and things have been strained. DH is worried financially too.

This thread makes me sad, but its so helpful to read everyone's experiences. I am the middle child of three and (not having had great relationships with either parent) can't imagine life without sibs. But I was not able to have DD until I was 43, and although I know Cherie Blair did it, and Imman, I somehow doubt we will be able to provide a sibling! Pros and cons, I know....we're not 'old' in our thinking, DD has little cousins, etc., but just this minute I do feel sad.

Hi Elibean

Yes this thread makes me sad too - and I'm the one who started it. I've read your message on the other thread near this one.

I've been wondering if I can even approach other Mums with only children and somehow get us to let the children play together more, in such a way that DS feels he has a close companion of his age that could be his sbiling so to speak. Don't know how to approach this though with anyone, sort of like a support group for mums with only children - for them to find ways for the child to have that close contact with other children. Sorry this is probably not clear but hope you understand me.

I found that when dd started school there were lots of only children in her class.

It is really easy to arrange social activities with other parents of one compared to when there are siblings involved - ds will probably end up going out socially much more often than children from bigger families!

You don't need to look for some kind of replacement sibling though - it's about friends. Only children don't have second best lives unless their parents feel they should IYSWIM. Honestly, there are a lot of advantages in being an only for you & ds!

I'm an only child, and have 1 ds aged 3.5. Not quite sure if we'll have another. My childhood was fab, but I do totally agree about only children feeling dutiful to their parents. That describes me to a tee.

outdoorsmum, havent read all the thread, but I'm sorry you feel upset. It is perfectly understandable of course. However, it is also worthwhile concentrating on maintaining a happy family unit - whatever its size. You will be repaid in kind, and your son will benefit so much from all the individual, loving, attention!

Northerner - you had a fab childhood in Redcar?

I was having this very discussion with DH last night. Our son is 21 mths and we hadn't intended on having a family at all really so one was a blessing and enough, but now 3 friends and my SIL are all pregnant and I'm left wondering whether we should provide a sibling for DS.

It's difficult and from personal experience I know that siblings do not always get on but I worry that I'm depriving him of something. DH and I aren't rich and we're neither of us the picture of health BUT BUT BUT...

Thanks, Outdoormum, and thanks too for starting this thread!

Its reassuring to know there are lots of only children out there, because at least DD will be able to compare notes with other pals in the same boat. Am also taking heart from the happy family unit being the main deal - yep, all for that! Also thinking about the dutiful aspect...both DP and I are quite good at getting support for ourselves from outside the family; will make a point of not landing DD with needy elderly parents as much as possible, so even if she DOES feel dutiful, there won't be too much duty to do. If that makes any sense.

Northerner, what made your childhood fab? Not moving to Redcar (or anywhere, if I can help it, with a toddler!) but anything else I can attempt...

madamemorticia mills

Yes, beleive it or not I did!

My parents made it fab. I don't feel I missed out on anything. I always took a friend on holidays/days out etc. I was treated very much as a member of the family and involved in family discussions/decisions from a young age. So because of this I was sensible and mature, my parents listened to me, encouraged me and respected me, so in return I did not want to let them down. Being an only child was not an issue to me at all when growing up, my friends never mentioned it either. Having siblings or not, does not define you as a person.

and all those nights in Top Deck made for a perfect childhood!

Top Deck - how do you know?

Do I know you?

No you don't! I hail from Middlesbrough Though I've never admitted that on here before!

Oh I see.

Where abouts in Middlesbrough? I used to work there.

I actually hail from Dormanstown but have never admitted that on here before.

I grew up in Linthorpe, some of my family live in Normanby now. I moved away about 10 years ago but still get back a bit.

Yes I moved away about 10 years ago now, but go back every month or so visiting parents.

"We are Teeside, We're the future, we're the pride" remember singing that at school