Only children - what do you think

[Outdoorsmum]

Our DS is 3, and I really want another one, DH doesn't want another one ( reasons: cost, all the hard work, age - he is 43). I feel really guilty about DS being an only child. Feel jealous when my friends are haivng thier 2nd babies. I keep thinking about getting pregnant 'by mistake'. Age is an issue too - I'm 38. Just feel so upset about this. Is there any one else feeling like this?

My situation is different as have been trying for number 2 for 5 months and I am very desperate. But dh wants one too but isn't as crazed as me. Feel almost inconsolable at thought of not having 2 and I hate the stupid judgements people make about only children and their parents too. Feel sad for my ds as he is so sociable am sure he would love having a sibling as I did. (after a period of intense homicaidal jealously no doubt. Am 39 so feel time is really running out.

My DS will probably be an only child, although my DH would like another.

I did not get on well at all with my older sister and actually was on the receiving end of her temper quite often. I think that has been one of the main reasons I wanted to have an only child - that I didn't want to subject any offspring to what I went through. Also, as an adult I am the only one who will be in a position to look after my aging parents, so having a sibling hasn't really helped much in that regard either. Actually will probably end up looking after my sister too!

It's nice to hear from some of you who say that you enjoyed being an only sibling - makes me feel much better for my decision!

By the way Outdoorsmum, I feel the same way you do, that it would be nice for my DS to have some close relationships with others his age and that it would be nice to have a little group that could play together.

Northerner, you made me teary - in a good way. Ta, lots.

NS and Outdoorsmum, if either of you start a small gang of Mums with 'onlies' in SW London, let me know!

Hi - I'm in Manchester not London unfortunately.
It is so good to hear your comments - I have felt so alone with this.

Outdoorsmum - too bad you are so far away!

Elibean I'm afraid it may have to be a london-wide club as I'm in the norf, well Islington. My DS loves trains though so maybe we could take a trip one day and see the southside.

Well, at least we have MN - no distance too great?! DD loves trains too. How old are your onlies?

Elibean, I think your issue / problem here is less what life is like as an only child, and more that you and DH have different desires. I think it's good to explore all the angles, but if you have a gut feeling that you would like more, it won't be solved by any rational about whether your indidual child would love / hate a sibling.
You are feeling a yearning for a child, he is looking at practicalities. Does he know how very 'biological' you feel about this?

Message withdrawn

Blu, your comments summed up exactly the situation DH and I were in when we just had DD. I didn't want a brother or sister just for the sake of DD or because I didn't like the thought of an only child and what that might or might not mean, I didn't want another because I have siblings (I get along with mine but DH never sees his so I know it works both ways) I just desperately, desperately wanted another baby for ME. I couldn't bear the thought of never holding a baby (my baby) again and watching them grow into a mini-person and in the end, it affected every area of my life.

That is eventually the conversation DH and I had as he too was very fixed on the practicalities (money, juggling everything, was our car big enough !!!). In the end, we both realised my emotional need was just too big an issue to ignore.

As I've said already, it worked out for me and I'm sooooooooooooooo happy and luckily, so is DH

I know how painful this situation is to be in and I really hope it works out for everyone on this thread who isn't sure what to do.

NettiSulvetti - I feel exactly the same way and I have a (5 year) older brother. We had a truely awful relationship whilst growing up and it's still not great now. I feel that that has contributed hugely to how we feel about having any more. I feel just becuase you have another child doesn't mean that they will get on.

I have just been through this dilemma and after several unsuccessful months of TTC for #2 we, this month, came to the decision to stop TTC and to move on. DD is 3yo. We have always made sure she has plenty of friends of all ages and both sexes, and she has good family ties on both sides.

DD will do just fine as an only one and sometimes there are just other factors and other important issues for the whole one, two or more children debate to be so clear cut.

Thanks Blu, but I think you mean Outdoorsmum, not me....my DH and I would both love another, but its just very unlikely we can. This thread is helping me lots though!

Hulababy - thats so true. Good for you for doing what felt right.

Agree with Blu Outdoorsmum - have you really shown your dh what this means to you? Have you cried? Or does he think that it's not that important to you? I had my first at 38 and my second at 41. Dh would have been happy enough with ds as he already has a daughter, but I really wanted another child - for me, for our family and, yes, for ds too. My dh is older than your dh!

Hulababy - ditto kind of. Had such a horrendous birth experience first time around that it took me three years or so to get to the point where I felt that I could cope with another child and, more to the point, wanted one. Then discovered that, in those three years, my ovaries had packed up prematurely. IVF wasn't even an option. To top it off, at around the same time everyone I knew was popping out their second or third. Cue DS wanting to know why he didn't have a brother or sister - answer: "some tummies just can't make lots of babies."

That was almost three years ago and, while I am resigned to the situation, I still have moments where I hope for a miracle. The difference is that I'm now better able to deal with those moments - by focusing on the wonderful son that I do have rather than sinking into a "what if?" spiral of depression. Think the turning point was when DS started school - really rammed home just how quickly they grow up and made me realise I didn't want to waste another minute of it mourning some, essentially, "imaginary child" and being a sad old cow when I should be making the most of every minute.

Now, when DS' school friends invariably ask if he has a brother or sister, he just explains in a matter of fact fashion that "it's just me, my mum and my dad in my family." He doesn't seem bothered by this - maybe because he does have a lot of friends (and three cousins) that we make a real effort to spend time with. He has a very definite best friend, who happens to be the son of the best(mummy)friend I made at antenatal classes, and they just adore each other (best friend talking to his mum about DS: "I love him more than sweets.") and I take solace from the fact that, while I love my three siblings dearly, my closest confidants are the aforementioned mum and two school friends - one that I made at 9 and the other at 13.

That said, yes, I'd rather he was one of two - although, somewhat selfishly, I wonder how I'd cope if anything happened to DS more than I wonder how he'd cope when DH and I hit old age.

Which doesn't really help you with your dilemma, Outdoorsmum - think the point I'm trying to make is that if I was you I'd really try to get your DH to understand where you are coming from. These feelings don't just disappear and could so easily lead to resentment unless you both really talk things through. Whatever happens though, don't lose sight of what you already have.

Hulababy and Willow2 - articulate and heartfelt posts. I too, hoped for a second child and went through various medical proceedures to help it happen. One doctor told me how he sees many mothers who are so frantic for a second/third/other child that they become almost obsessed, and possibly don't fully enjoy the child they already have.

I would love to have had another child, but my body wouldn't cooperate. I consciously made the decision to accept it, rather than focus on what I couldn't have.

As others have said, it is different for those of us who physically can't expand our families, and those whose husbands don't want to. Don't know how I would handle that.

By the way, as an only, dd is thriving.

(yes, sorry - I did mean Outdoorsmum )

Our ds is nearly 3 and we don't want another one. We both have siblings ourselves, so we are aware what he will be missing - but we have no idea what will be better. Hopefully he'll tell us one day.

I do feel a little sad that he may not have anyone family wise once we go (our siblings doing even less child rearing than us - ie none!). But by then hopefully he will have a new family, his own wife and maybe children.

sorry to sort of hijack thread but was Earlybird, willow and hulababy, how long did it take you to come to terms with having only one? I am have tests at the moment but they are not looking great so may have to go through that process myself soon.

Hi jane. We have just made the decision last month and I restarted taking my pill last week. Told you it was a recent thing! We have thought about it for a couple of months though. It took us a long time to concieve DD - 3 years and n early mc. After that we had said just the one, but changed outr mind when she was 2yo. 15 motnhs later and no success. It was time to make a decisio.. We could have gone for tests, but we knew that even if the tests came backwith isues that we would have to pay for any treatment necessary. We didn't really want to go down the testing route - the stress, time, money, etc was all too much for us to contemplate really. It was time to make decisions regarding DD's education too. And friends/family have been getting og and having babies in meantime - all in ridiculously short time periods. So last month we sat down and had a big heart to heart, and hard as it was we decided to stop TTC once and for all. We have a beautful, adorable little girl who is our pride and joy We are happy asa family unit, have a great life together and we just realised that it was time to be happy with what we have got and move on. So we have done. It wasn't easy and there were a few days of sadness. But a week later and we are fine with it. And it is the right thing for us at this time.

Earlybird and willow. I am glad you are both happy with your decision now, and your only children are thriving and happy too. DD is the same

Blu

Your comments made me think - I certainly haven't come to terms with having one and it is a undiscussed area with me and DH and we do need to talk about it. I have mentioned this to DH a bit but he has always been firm about our DS being the only one, I think I need to talk to him and let him know my feelings in depth. I have avoided doing so up to now cos I don't want to hear what he has to say about not wanting another one. He is fantastic dad to our DS by the way. I am going to talk to him this weekend.

In any case I need to resolve my upset about all of this - it's starting to obssess me. It is so reassuring to know others battle with the same type of feelings.

I have one ds who is 11 now and I really wish I had had more when he was little as for health reASons now although i could concieve and have another I have decided against it .I have decided now toseriously consider adoption as I worry about ds when older too as he has no cousins either.I don't feel that i am finished with all the school run homework and xmas excitement etc and as ds gets older dp and I feel more and more that we still have so much to give.ds is however totally happy either way

Outdoormum, good luck this weekend. I know how you must be feeling as I was exactly the same over a year ago. My DH was adamant that we were only having one but once he fully understood how strongly I felt, he agreed to try for another. It took lots and lots of tears and heartfelt discussions to get there though.

Luckily (and I know just how lucky I was) I fell immediately.

I'll be thinking of you.