how do you do it?

[shanzu]

dd1 (5) says she feels cross with me most of the time. She says that I am always rushing her and forget to look after her properly because I am too busy looking after dd2 (6months). I thought I was doing ok, but shes probably right. I make an effort to spend 1 on 1 time with her and shes really involved with helping to look after the baby. We arent all that well off but we do lots of lovely things together (days out etc) and she has doting grandparents. I do struggle to get everything I need to get done in a day, and I usually fail (my house is a flipping pit!). I do moan at her to get a move on - she drives me nuts with procrastinating and not 'just-getting-on-with-it'. Ive explained to her over and over that we need to work as a team. Whats the alternative? stay at home everyday of the holidays?

How do you all get from 1 end of the day to the other and make everyone feel happy and cared for?

Some days it's impossible, especially when you have places to go and stuff to do. Often if everyone else feels happy and cared for, I don't! I feel like I've been giving too much!

Maybe she needs less days out and planned activities for a while so that she is excited enough by them when they start again to be motivated into getting ready quickly? What is she doing while she is procrastinating? If she is keeping herself amused, then use that time for your jobs. Then when she does want you to do things with her, you'll perhaps feel more available.

Does she seem cross with you most of the time? Or is it just her perception. Maybe she's just one of those people who focuses on the bad things in life?

Try not to take her comment/mood too much to heart at this time.

In the first year of my 2nd child I just survived basically.
House was a tip, I was always stressed and very impatient with poor DS. He was 2.7 so couldn't voice his annoyance, just gave me hell in the form of a 2yr old .

DD is now 16 months and im sitting here with up-to-date ironing (a new situation round here), a relatively tidy house and im alot more relaxed.
I actually do more with my 2 now as it's just all more managable.
Give it time, you sound like you are managing fine considering your baby is only 6 months. My DS was held captive infront of CBeebies while I sat in the background crying .

if this is unfounded she sounds like a right manipulative little madam - she will go far, that one

of course you do not need to rise to it, if it isn't true, sympathise with how she feels and tell her what she needs to do (hurry up / help out)

thanks for your comments...
otherside- no she isnt pessimistic at all. Quite the opposite-hse is a really happy, socialable child. Maybe we do need to take it a bit easier. She is a very high energy thing though and so staying at home gets really hard work.

quickchat- I am really relieved to read your post- I cant wait to be able to have a tidy house again- lame as it sounds, I think it really affects my mood having it permanently messy

and activate...lol...I have been beginning to wonder if I'm being taken for a mug! i just cant bear to think that she feels I am not taking care of her properly...

I'm really coming to the conclusion that the best for my dd (5) not to feel rushed is if I just don't plan anything and let her take the initiative. I've ended up in stupid situations with me nagging her to get ready to come to the zoo - we all end up stressed when all we were trying to do was have a nice day! If I just leave them to it (ds is 2), they do at some point say they'd like to go out in the woods or to the playground or dd would like to ride her bike or whatever. But it has really taken the stress out for me to just accept that she needs a few hours of free play first before we do anything. I just really take the back seat now. But I find it really hard as I am naturally someone who wants to plan and then get up and out. I think though that you'd be surprised, if you schedule in much more "free time" where she decides what to do and you just sit and watch, it does not end up just staying at home all day. I find with my dd the first few hours are all important - if she has had a good installment of free play at home, then she is also much more open to suggestions from me (let's go to the shops, I really have to buy some milk!).
As for your dd saying that you don't look after her properly because you're looking after dd2, I think that this is something every older sibling thinks at some point. You are doing all the right things (involving her with the baby, 1 on 1 time with her) but it is a fact of life with siblings that at some point the older one will feel you are there more for the little one - I don't think it has much to do with the actual division of time/attention or how the parent handles the situation - more to do with the emotions of having a sibling. I just acknowledge to dd1 that she feels that I'm paying attention to ds where she used to have all the attention just for her. I then talk to her about how there is only one of her and how special she is.

Thanks Simic--i'm going to try to make less plans I think, although I suspect that may not be the solution for us..She does want to do stuff - the first thing she asks every morning is 'what are we doing today?' and she wants to be busy and out after school everyday- obviously I enforce some quiet at home time, otherwise she would be in orbit.

I am hoping you are right about this just being a 'having a sibling' emotion, rather than me being a crap mum.
I've been noticing the last few days that she 'gets angry' at me mostly when I am asking her to do something, or telling her she cant do something. I am beginning to think she might be taking the p**s. Also, thinking it may be an attention seeking tactic?? I'm going to try ignoring the angry stuff and see what happens. She certainly had an angry (with me) reaction when the baby was brand-new. I thought we were over it, maybe not.