How do I change round my parenting style to give DD, 2, confidence...DH says I've made her scared of everything. Feel dreadful

[MissCatherineMiddleton]

Hello I've namechanged because I feel so ashamed.
DD has always been a quiet child but is turning two and very clingy (not helped by recent birth of DS 2 months ago which I had put it down to). She goes to a CM three days a week. other dys at home.
Anyway she is not a very adventurous child when it comes to either climbing around or mixing with other children - but has always been like that even before DS. This came to head on Saturday when DH said I had mollycoddled her and she was scared of her own shadow as a result.
The dreadful thing is I realise he's right. I am shy myself and do worry too much about stuffand have obv transmitted this to her. I feel dreadful and so ashamed. I don't know if it is too late to try to counter this, but what can I do? how do i make her more sociable and adventurous? i take her to the park and to rhyme time but that doesn't get her more sociable.
Feel so bad I can't tell you.

your dh is a twat.

some kids are more naturally clingy/shy than others

the birth of your ds 2 months ago will still be having an impact on her.

What does your DH do to make his DD confident?

Do you have friends with other children over for coffee? That would be a better start to socialising than throwing her in to a big group where most children would be a bit overwhelmed.

If you can get her used to playing confidently with one or two other children, in a variety of activities that challenge them in some way, she'll soon come out of her shell and gain confidence.

Two is classic separation anxiety time.

I am a fairly laid back parent, I'm extroverted and I don't do routine and from five months my daughter has spent whole days away from me while I was at work (with her Dad or her Nana). And at almost two she was exactly as you describe - she's only 2.3 now, and I took her to a petting zoo yesterday, and she was terrified, like crawl-up-my-body terrified, of the baby chicks and the little bunnies.

It's just a phase!

The fact that you've had another child will probably be making her feel more insecure as well, and she's clingy because she wants to know that she's still your little girl and your special baby.

your DH, on the other hand - where the hell does he get off making you feel so ashamed that you name change on a parenting forum because he's told you that you've ruined your not-even-two-year-old daughter? When you're dealing with an eight week old as well! Jesus, what a total utter twat. Who the fuck died and made him the King of Parenting?

Seriously, OP. Do you, or he, spend more time with your children? Do you, or he, respond at night? Do you, or he, soothe their crying and learn their wants? Do you, or he, understand your daughter's emerging language better?

You, right?

So why the hell do you both think he knows more about parenting your daughter?

Don't feel bad. Its very common to be clingy that age and a large part of it is children being born like that. If you are shy then chances are any child of yours might well be shy, regardless of what you had done.

Confidence is of course important but I bet your dd has some lovely qualities which are part of being more quiet/reflective/introspective which are also valuable in helping her to get on in life.

I think one of the ways to help her gain confidence is to really praise those things she is good at. Don't try to make her something she isn't. She will pick up on it and that isn't nice for anyone.
Encourage her to do the things she enjoys.

You say she goes to CM. That sounds pretty confident to me. If she is happy to be left and is settled and thriving there then that will help.

I guess in terms of being adventurous, bite your lip and encourage her to try climbing things or doing things you would ordinarily be hesitant about doing.

Finally though, she is only little. My dd was very shy and unadventurous at that age. She is now 4 and has lots of friends and will never be the most athletic of children (of course I don't tell her this) and is very happy. She is sociable with people she knows and takes a while with those she doesn't. Thats fine for me.

Very finally, it's not too late at all. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things.

your dh blaming you for your dd's problems is not on. You never know what is cause and effect with children because you never know what a child would have been like without the parental input and if the way you were treating her was responding to something in her personality which made her need extra reassurance all the time, rather than her needing the input because you have taught her to IYSWIM.

some children turn out different from their parents despite everything their parents do, others don't. It is not an exact science.

and she's only 2 fgs! they go through phases. She may be quite different by the time she's 4.

please don't worry. keep on taking her to stuff, it sounds like you are doing fine.

Good advice Cuppateajanice. My dd is much much better in a one-to-one situation than a big group.

Your dd sounds normal to me. She's only 2. The new baby will have rocked her world as well. Some kids are more outgoing than others. As long as she is loved, she will be confident in the long run. She may be quietly confident but confident nonetheless.

Agree with the above - DH is a total twat! How does he think knocking your already shaky confidence is going to help? Chances are he's the one knocking everyone's confidence by being critical and blaming them for everything...

Piss off for the weekend with some mates and let him do everything for a couple of days, then see how confident he is...

Some children are like this

My dd would go beyond a 2 m radius of me at this age

My Ds will happily charge in to any group, is not bothered about where I might be lol

My parenting is more or less the same- I didn't make either of them this way iyswim

Dd is confident and outgoing once she is comfortable, and this takes time for her, it is how she is

Much empathy, I felt much as you do when dd was small, felt like I had failed her somehow

I remember ds was unbelievably clingy around age 2, would barely let me go out of the room without crying. It took 2 full terms up till Easter when he was about 2.9 before he would let me leave the room when we went to 2's group. I remember being in tears quite a few times thinking i had raised the world's most unhappy, unconfident child, blaming my PND, bottle feeding, lack of grandparents, phases of the moon, you name it .....

Now he is a rumbunctious nearly 5 year old, flings himself with abandon at everything in the park, climbs walls, talks to everyone even total strangers in shops, runs into pre-school nursery with barely a backward glance ... you get the idea.

2 is classic time for them to realise that they are seperate little beings who have to make their way in the world and therefore can need lots of love and reassurance from their parents/carers. Just go with it, give her lots of love and praise for what she does, and she will be fine. Explain to dh that his critiscism isn't helping. and i think the idea of playdates in her own space with just one/two other children is great - although you will have the "sharing" issue to deal with then, oh joy!

You are doing fine. Enjoy your wee girl, its such a special time.

Yes DH maybe expressed himself in a twatty way - but the problem is I wouldn't feel so dreadful if I didn't know it was true.
I am overprotective and as a result I think she has suffered. All her little friends seem much more outgoing than she is.

I am going to get him to do more with her to see if that helps. He does tend to take a bit of a backseat. but he says thats cos I want everything done my way.
Getting people over for coffee might be good. I dont have a car so that makes it more difficult to visit other people.
she goes to toddler groups w her CM so i've tended to do stuff together on other days but maybe i shd take her to more. i'm just not sure how to do it without throwing her into situations if she's not happy

ps and i'm sure if you suddenly started trying to be a "different" kind of parent to your dd, then that would be the most unsettling, upsetting thing for her! She needs you to be exactly who you are, her lovely mum. Encourage her gently, but don't try to be different to who you really are, you'll only end up both feeling weird!!

Agree with everyone! Also - you can't MAKE them confident. I am - confident, sociable, daring(ish). DD is not. I didn't do anything 'to' her. She does it all herself. She's happy at nursery and with the children and adults she knows well but she doesn't like to climb, takes a while to warm up to new people and favours the 'behind mummy's legs' posture when approached by nice little old ladies in shops. All fine. I try to talk to her about it - I tell her that it's OK to talk to people, but if she feels shy that's OK too. I don't think I could change her if I wanted to!

I'm not going to yell at your DH, though. He probably thinks you could just tell her. What happens if he takes her to e.g. softplay on his own? Can he get her to be more confident? I'm sure he can't. He'll have to learn that she's most confident if she can stay close to him. I'll be charitable and say he just hasn't thought it through. He knows it's hard to persuade a child to eat when they don't want to, but he has failed to extrapolate - it's also hard to get a child to climb a ladder if they don't want to! And it's REALLY not worth it.

Your DH is a twat, like someone has already said.

Children are all different. FGS, she's only 2 and she has a new sibling. What is he expecting from her?

and thanks for all kind words - i have felt so bad, glad to hear other people hv had shy children...

Be warned that if your first is cautious, wary and takes time to get into things, your second will probably turn out to be the most brashly confident, loud, flinging-off-walls child you ever met, and you'll know the parking fees at your local A&E off by heart before he/she if three...

As your new baby grows your husband will realise that each child has it's own foibles ( don't we all) which change over time and it has little to do with what we do or don't do. I'm sure you're great mum- don't beat yourself up! And your daughter sounds lovely. Your dh and you are likely suffering from sleep (and sex) deprivation which can make normally reasonable couples fall out over anything and everything.

Please don't assume that she's shy and not confident because of your over-protectiveness as you define it.

My DS was timid and shy when he was 2, and my response was to do what everyone else around me was telling me to do at the time, which was to push him (gently) to do things he didn't feel ready to do.

The result was, he got even mroe shy and timid and anxious, because he didn't feel as safe as when he did when I was giving him the safety net of knowing he could run back to me and be welcomed back, instead of encouraged to go back up that slide again or whatever it was.

I now wish I'd just rolled with his personality and stopped trying to make him more confident than he was ready to be. It took him a lot longer to be confident I suspect, than it would have taken, if I'd just let him be as shy and timid and safe as he needed to be, instead of trying to get him to fit in with the notions other people were saying he had to be.

Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. I'm confident and extroverted and laidback, and I still have a child who whimpers and climbs up my legs to get away from the baby guinea pigs ("a bit scary, mummy!"). When I push her, it definitely makes it worse. When I slow down and let her feel protected, she improves.

I'm not very good in social situations, and neither were my DSs when they were younger. Even at 5 DS1 would spend the first 20 minutes of a birthday party (where he knew everybody) sitting on my lap. I did think it was 'my fault' and encouraged them to be braver than me.

Then I had DD. She is the most frighteningly gregarious and sociable child I've ever met. She'll talk to any and everyone, at any time. I haven't changed my parenting techniques, or suddenly become Ms Personality so I guess it's actually nothing to do with me. The DSs were naturally more cautious, DD is just naturally the spawn of the devil extrovert.

Your DH is talking rubbish. Ignore him.

You've been given some great advice here... reading this thread I remembered my experience when I was small. I was a confident, gregarious child but my brother (18 months younger) was scared of EVERYTHING. Walking to school was a nightmare, he would freak out totally if it was windy for example and would need hours of coaxing to go up or down a kerb. I can still remember him at a school concert crying his eyes out on the stage when he should have been reading a poem. It was pure torture for him.
He grew up to be an amazing rock climber (does the free climbing thing as well, climbs up mountains with no ropes, sleeps on ridges in the freezing cold, fearless beyond belief), committed mountain biker etc etc and ended up being the singer in a band. I can't remember when his anxieties left him, but leave him they did. He's now one of the bravest people I know.
Congratulations on your new baby. Ignore your DH and relax, it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Oh OP it really isn't true that you have made your DD like that, honestly it isn't. You are just the sort of person who sees an effect (shy child) and thinks there has to be a cause (me = bad parent). I do that all the time - and my DH is always pointing out that the way they are is not necessarily about me!

I am very very protective of DD1 and she is brilliant socially; I am much less protective of bouncy DD2, who tends to be clingy during social gatherings. My friend has the clingiest shyest DD I have ever met - and now she is at school she is transformed and far more outgoing.

Honestly honestly they have definite personality traits at 2 - and all you can do is respond to their needs as best you can, and yes be aware of times when you get it wrong so that you can adapt. The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron is great if you want to read up.

Would echo all the comments here about your DH - he is probably feeling ratty and frustrated, like we all do when we have a newborn and a toddler.

thank you so much for all the advice. If it wasnt that she was potentially like me then I would feel better I guess - hate the fact I cd be making her nervous.

Tortoise - the baby guinea pigs have made me laugh a lot....can so imagine my DD saying the same.

She's lovely. I just don't want her to have a crap time at nursery/pre-school in future because she's scared of everything...

In what way are you over-protective? Are you always hovering around telling her be careful, not go to far, do you usher her away from big/noisy children?