How do I change round my parenting style to give DD, 2, confidence...DH says I've made her scared of everything. Feel dreadful

[MissCatherineMiddleton]

Hello I've namechanged because I feel so ashamed.
DD has always been a quiet child but is turning two and very clingy (not helped by recent birth of DS 2 months ago which I had put it down to). She goes to a CM three days a week. other dys at home.
Anyway she is not a very adventurous child when it comes to either climbing around or mixing with other children - but has always been like that even before DS. This came to head on Saturday when DH said I had mollycoddled her and she was scared of her own shadow as a result.
The dreadful thing is I realise he's right. I am shy myself and do worry too much about stuffand have obv transmitted this to her. I feel dreadful and so ashamed. I don't know if it is too late to try to counter this, but what can I do? how do i make her more sociable and adventurous? i take her to the park and to rhyme time but that doesn't get her more sociable.
Feel so bad I can't tell you.

What MoonUnit asks.

Can you explain what you actually do that you think makes her nervous?

Can you think of any times/ behaviour when you think actually you are right to protect her?

Can you think of any times when you could relax a bit and let her explore and take more risks than you do now?

Please don't worry. My DD was exactly as you describe yours to be this time last year. Very unsure physically, happy in her own company, sometimes clingy...

She turned 3 today. Yesterday she got her 25m swimming badge and she spent the morning bounding around a soft-play area with her friend's 5 yr old brother doing forward rolls and lion roars at each other. As other's have said, it's a phase, it will pass. (And however well meaning your DH is being, his comments are a bit twatty)

Yes, I try very hard not to stop her doing stuff but DH's point - and I think he has one - is that I probably look nervous if I'm worried about her...and that's not building her confidence as a result. I'm one of those people whose face is a bit of an open book.
I really try to encourage her to leave my side if we're at playgroup or something, but I do pick her up if she wants to if she's feeling scared or overwhelmed, and that may not be helping bcs maybe fuelling shy behaviour. I don't want her to think that too many people = scary but then I don't want to leave her uncomforted. So I am not sure what to do for best.
I probably stop her too far away from the road when she's running across the park. But that I think can be justified a bit when she's this little as no railings and she's not really clear about why you shouldn't be running into the road. But maybe I need to let her run a bit further.

I have four dcs, I am hugely outgoing and confident. DS1....supremely confident, wants to be on the stage
DS2 Self confident but wouldn't talk in front of the class...is perfect with adults, please and thank you and full of conversation though
DD shy, still polite when I'm not around but much more confident without me!
DS3....still early days, but fiercely independent and confident.

4 different children.

MCM....What would you expect any mother to do? Encourage or force? You sound like you're doing the right things..

What you've said so far - comforting her if she is insecure and anxious and stopping her running close to a road is not overprotective.

Not reassuring her if wshe felt scared or nervous would not help her confidence one little bit!

The bit you say about your face being an open book is interesting though. It may help if you practise acting a little about being so happy/ excited about the idea of going to toddler group or wherever. She will be picking up her cues from you. If you actually hate the music group but grin and bear it for her she may well sense that!

I do pick her up if she wants to if she's feeling scared or overwhelmed

That's the best thing you could do, not the worst! Honestly, it sounds like your DH has no idea how to handle a shy person. Confidence is born of knowing you have a stable base to return to when things get scary and it sounds like you do exactly the right thing. Ignore your clueless husband and keep doing what you're doing.

Comforting/reassuring when she needs it will build confidence, as she can always rely on you.

I agree about working on conveying confidence to her in your face and body language though - you can praise her when she takes risks, don't hover looking nervous when she climbs the big slide or whatever.

DD1 (nearly 4) is seriously cautious. She won't contemplate going down a slide, or climb a climbing frame. After we had ice on the garden path last year, it took months for her to walk on the path again instead of the grass. She won't use her scooter.

She is getting better though, and some things (going high on swings, jumping on a trampoline and even riding a pony) don't bother her at all.

She was only persuaded to try sledging when she saw her baby sister (14 months) trying it. After a LOT of coaxing she finally agreed to sit on the sledge, then eventually managed to go down a short slope on her own.

Don't worry about nursery/pre-school. They have so many different things to do, she'll doubtless find something she feels comfortable with and that will provide her with a platform for trying other, more adventurous stuff.

Lots of children that were very shy at first (one for quite a while) when they started at the local pre-school now seem like different children - much more outgoing.

DD1 has her best friend. She tends not to play with the others much when her best friend isn't there too, but has a fab time anyway.

It's certainly not only you, my oldest, DS is naturally cautious, particularly physically which can make my OH frustrated too and I have wondered in the past if I am to partly blame because I'm like that and I see more danger than I necessarily need to so I wonder if I have discouraged him from trying things without meaning to. Also, maybe I don't push him enough when sometimes with a bit of encouragement maybe he would try something.

His younger sibling, DD sees no consequences in anything, she just dives in and now DH is thankful that we don't have two like that, not sure our hearts would cope with the strain! I perhaps have been less cautious with her, simply because my time is split between the two of them, but I think much of it is down to nature. We have a small step down in our garden; when DS first started wwalking and wanted to go down this step he sat down to go down the step without anybody telling him to, DD just went for it at a run!

It's so hard to know when you should help them try and be a bit more adventurous and when you should just be their safety net, particularly if it's a trait you have yourself

Frawli I do think I'm like that in terms of physical danger, I have to really pin on a smile while DD going down big slide or whatever. I'm going to make more of an effort; as Moon and others point out it prob rubs off on her. Socially however I'm not sure what to do except gently encourage her.
Told DH I would make an effort to encourage her to be more adventurous but he couldn't expect me to change personality over night - and that he could prob help by being more careful about things like pan handles, knives left out etc so that I didn't always feel that I was having to check nothing dangerous around. Plus if he came to playground etc with me then it would be easier.
I still feel bad but am going to accept I can help her in some ways but from what people are saying some children are just naturally shy.
I will wait with interst to see what DS turns out like....

"Be warned that if your first is cautious, wary and takes time to get into things, your second will probably turn out to be the most brashly confident, loud, flinging-off-walls child you ever met, and you'll know the parking fees at your local A&E off by heart before he/she if three..."

Lancelottie, you have met my children then:o

But seriously, OP I could have written your post myself almost word for word (except the bit about dh). You dh is WRONG. It is not your fauilt. You state she has always been a quiet child, - thats just way she is. I often blame myself for ds1's shyness/lack of confidence although I'm slowly becoming to realise it's not my fault. Even as a baby he would prefer to sit back and watch while others crawl off and got into mischief.

Some children are naturally outgoing, some aren't.

I was at twins club yesterday with my 22 month old boys. One attached to my leg most of the time, the other running about with the bigger boys and throwing himself off the climbing frame. They have been brought up exactly the same way. They just are born different from each other.

I would suspect that certain aspects of you parenting seem a bit mollycoddling because your daughter wants and needs them to be that way.

Possibly you have to work on the big grin to cover your own fears when she does step out to try something herself , but picking her up when she needs it, or being there to catch her if she wants are going to give her more confidence not less.

My ds was like this at that age - would burst into tears if another child came within a foot of him. So he didn't go up to Toddler room at nursery until a bit later. But then once he was better on his feet and we practiced walking away from other children he got a lot better and now thrives with them.
He's still a cautious chap who will wait by me and watch what is going on - and then decide to join in after 10-20 minutes. As opposed to dn who will run straight into everything and fall flat on his face...

If you're wondering if there's anything you might want to do differently, maybe roleplay saying 'no! go away!', or initally just waving across the room to her and giving verbal reassurance, before wading in yourself? But I figure that insecurity (as opposed to shyness) in later life relates to not enough coddling, not too much, when younger, and more cuddles are always good!

tbh i think you sound lovely and your dh sounds like a bit of a nob for even having discussed this with you if you have only just had another of his children. you must be exhausted right now... bloody hell, time and a place...

regarding the physical stuff, i would encourage dh to do loads of that with her, while you feed the baby. of my 'group' of pals there are some kids who were more physically and emotionally confident at that age, and some who weren't, and playing at their homes really helped bring out their more 'i'm in control here' sides. and now they're all five they are absolutely much of a muchness.

I saw a program with Robert Winston discussing child development. They did an experiment where they had a series of 3 year olds in a room playing with their parents and then the parents quietly left. All the children were upset when they looked up to find their parents gone, but two weren't bothered at all. Dr Winston said 'These two are the ones we would worry about' because at their age it is normal for a child to feel anxious about its parent leaving and shows the parents have successfully formed a strong bond. The two who weren't interested were from families struggling with some difficult situations and it was suggested their nonchalence could actually be a sign of under-developed ability to make secure emotional relationships - something that would be a problem in later life.

2 is very young. My friend who is a paediatrician says she thinks most groups before the age of 3 are for the parents because most children are much keener on doing stuff with Mummy at that age. It's normal. Tell your DH your daughter's attachment to you is proof of the great job you've done making her secure and safe with the people who matter most. In her own time she will find the confidence to explore on her own and ultimately, knowing she has a place with you where she feels safe will give her the courage to do that. Your DH is being ridiculous. She's 2, not 15.

Your behaviour with your children sounds good and responsive. However, it does sound like there might be an issue here regarding a critical parent/partner (your dh). I think there is nothing to make people more nervous/anxious than feeling they're being watched critically or criticised. I could imagine that if your dh worked on his acceptance of you as you are (and your dd as she is) and on not judging people, everyone will feel less anxious and have the space to be more adventurous...

You haven't ruined her . Even if you had, the first seven years are the most important in forming a child's personality, so you have plenty of time to teach her to chill a bit.

I think you sound a bit like me. Mine was at CM 3 days a week and did lots of stuff, so I just did quiet stuff with her on the other days. I felt she needed it, and it suited my personality as well.

My dd I felt was shy - looking back (she is nearly 5 now) a better word is reserved. She is actually quite a sociable little thing, but likes to find out what is going on first, and likes to be near me. I feel I labelled her. And I feel guilty that the word was used in front of her as well.

I always felt conspicious at parties etc, she wanted to sit on my lap always. And I was the only one and felt frustrated. But I only knew my group and their kids. As she has got older, and I have been to parties where there are younger kids I notice a few of the other mums have to stick close to their young children. I wish I'd just accepted how she was/is instead of beating myself up about it (of course I felt like it was my "fault").

She loves you and feels secure with you, and that is a tremendously helpful thing as she gets older and you start to lay down groundrules of behaviour etc. Does that make sense?

I have worked with children for around 15 years and have 4 myself and I do think (want this to sound constructive - not unkind) parents can have an impact on their child's confidence levels even without realising it. In pre school sometimes its hard to work out whether its the parent clinging to the child or the child clinging to the parents, usually its both.

Giving your child confidence is one of the most wonderful things you can do. I had no confidence at all as a child.

You oh has not been helpful in the way he has addressed this but you say you agree with him.

Try not to say be careful, don't you might fall it hightens a child's sense of risk, lots of go on you can do it. Leave her to do things for herself as much as is age appropriate but in an empowering reaching for the next stage way. Leave her with other people and when you go big wave firm kiss see you later and go.

I agree it can be a phase but anxious children can be helped to be more outgoing. And its bothering you or your would not have posted. I have done work with parents who were worried about this and there has been lots of change. But look at yourself and think of your own fears. How are you transferring these to her. If you see the world as a scary place (which it often feels like as a parent) she will to.

You sound like a wonderful caring Mum. Just try to relax and enjoy being a Mum to your wonderful little one.

Have skimmed - honestly, I don't think anything you have done sounds like it could be causing her to be this way. My dd1 was very shy, hated going to other poeple, big groups, etc etc. We just went with it at 1 and 2.... and 3 and 4.... and now she is 6 she happily goes off and plays with people she doesn't know at the park, she goes to her gran's house for sleepovers.

I think kids have their own personalities, we can tweak a bit at the edges, but we don't change them just be being nervous or anxious. If she was running away into groups of kids, and you were running after her stopping her then maybe - but picking her up when she is looking for reassurance just shows her that you are there, that it is safe, and that will allow her to gradually build up her zone of confidence - my dd had to be persuaded to go to her small preschool every morning but gradually she came to love it, and then she got more and more confidence in different situations.

Encourage your dd, but never force her, and always let her come back for a cuddle, that's what I reckon.

My 3 year old DS is a cautious boy. And clingy and not very independant (his favourite phrase is "you do it mummy"). I'm quite shy and not great at social situations and I do worry sometimes that I might have contributed to his caution.

Anyway, he's getting better as he gets older. He's still fairly cautious. He hasn't gone on a swing at the park since he was 10 months old. Nothing happened to make him scared, he just decided that he didn't like them. But he loves to climb and since he's seen the big boys on the biggest climbing frame, he wants to do it too!

I try to make an effort to be more sociable myself, i.e. chatting to people in shops, even though it doesn't come naturally to me. I also try to build up his self esteem and confidence by not only praising him when he does the sociable/adventurous things but when he does the things he's naturally good at.

MissCatherineMiddleton... Don't take your DH's comments to heart, he's making a point and perhaps not being as tactful as he could be. Has he said this before (or hinted at it)?

You say yourself that you know it to be true and whilst your DD is only 2, early habits can set in for life and kids pick up so much of what we do.

Can you pinpoint any specific examples of where you think that you've passed on fear? Would your DH be able to give you examples where he thinks you've done that? If you know what they are, perhaps you could find ways to introduce these new things or methods to your DD and give her the message that 'just because something looks a bit scary, it doesn't mean that we have to avoid it', 'scary is fun sometimes', that kind of thing.

It is important that our DCs grow up confident and happy and secure in themselves and to do that, they need to experience new things.

Maybe go out together as a family and watch DH's interaction with your DD and see how she enjoys it? I really don't think your DH was trying to be mean - and you don't need to feel like you've failed either. You haven't. Parenting is a dynamic thing, isn't it?

mudandmayhem much cheered by the idea i've got 5 yrs to turn this round

slippers and lyingwitch there are 2 issues. i'm bad at judging physical danger and age appropriate stuff so am guessing i say be careful too much. really do try to fight that and plaster grin on/shut imagination of injuries off.

socially however altho i'm shy i'm not aware of giving off impressions to DD that the world's a scary place that has made her shy. but i guess the two might end up being related?