What surprised you most about motherhood? (Good and bad)

[Saffra]

Tell me what surprised/shocked you the most when you first entered motherhood?

I'm pregnant with my first and want to prepare myself for what lies ahead - good and bad!

Babies are pretty boring and they aren't all hard work (I have been very lucky).
It's amazing how within a day or two you can recognise your baby's cry from all others and quickly know just what the different cries mean.

That he is actually mine - and he's staying! (Still can't get my head round that one 20 weeks in!)

And that I could love him as much as I do.

For me the biggest surprise was that I DIDN'T get that huge rush of love. I have always always wanted children, am one of the most maternal people I know and was really expecting the crazy love feeling people had told me about when I first saw my DS, but my love for him was really a slow burn and it took several weeks for me to fall in love with him. Now it's happened though it is the most all consuming, painful amazing feeling. I have been known to spend hours trying to get my DS to go to sleep, only to regret it 20 minutes later and want to wake him up cos I MISS him!

Also that breastfeeding can be so difficult and can take up SO much of your time, but that going with your instincts is usually the way to go.

When ds1 was about a week old I woke up one morning and thought " I don't want to do this today"
Then it hit me that he wasn't going away, that took some getting used to.
12 years on and 6 children later I still get overwhelmed at times.....

How enjoyable it is.

How much easier than working it is.

How relaxed a new baby is compared to when they start moving.

How you can get a pretty full night of sleep if you co sleep.

How much harder it is to do exercise.

How you feel if you had missed out on motherhood you would have missed out on the best life has to offer.

How you get breaks when they nap.

How you can nap when they nap.

How people just did not even hint at the joy of it all but just warned- oooh you wait...enjoy your lie ins now...blah blah.

It is mainly the most amazing experience within a repetitive context that i find very meaningful compared to the inane demands of a full on career.

How my identity clearly had nothing to do with my career.

How little I have missed my career.

How you can get by on one income and just stop getting stuff that costs money.

the whole thing has been liberating-my old life was bondage compared to this.

you get more sleep as a mum than as a hard working teacher!

Thanks, some brilliant comments! I suspect I will find the sleep deprivation hardest, as I'm the type to lose all enthusiasm when I'm really jetlagged.

Aside from that, I'm genuinely looking forward to the 'next step' in my life. Some of the things mentioned, don't sound too awful. But, there's a few things that I think I will miss a lot, e.g. spending lots of time alone with my husband and going for long, long walks with the dog.

I heard people say how amazing it was when you see them master something for the first time and took it with a pinch of salt...but my God they were right.

Just that sometimes I look at her (6 months old) and love her so much that I want to squeeze her and make sure she knows, on some level.

How amazing a father DH is. I knew he would be, but seeing that he loves her as much as I do is brilliant.

How soppy I have become since she appeared. I cry at tv adverts, when someone else has a baby, everything.

The fact that it doesn't stop. I remember crying in the night one night because DH had sleepily told me that it was only a few more days until the weekend and I pointed out that it made no bloody difference!

The fear...completely overwhelming. What would I do if anything happened to her?

That you get over labour pretty quickly...I found mine quite scary yet we've been talking about trying for DC2 for a month or so already!

That I miss her even when she has been asleep upstairs for only an hour.

That the smile she gives me when she sees me wake up makes up for being woken up at any time of night, every time.

The pure love I feel for them, even when they are being little shits

That it never stops, you think it will stop when they start school - no then you've got homework, friendship problems then you think when they reach teenagehood.... no savor the toddler years!

That sometimes life is so mundane that you just want to cry - I have sat in a supermarket and cried before because I realised how long I spent shopping and cleaning and cooking

But, that one smile or hug or I Love You makes it all worthwhile

Other parents are competitive about everything - how good their kids are, how bad their kids are and everything in between ... in the end everyone's kids are different and that is okay too

You realise who your true friends are. The people who stuck by me when I was 21 with a newborn and no clue are my closest friends now

It really makes you reflect on your own childhood and in my case brought me much closer to my parents

It is the most amazing thing ever, the feeling of holding your baby in your arms and seeing them grow up and become their own people

i was a party animal before becoming a mum, i dont miss or crave that life anymore, if you watch soaps or anything that concludes stop watching now, as soon as i has ds all i wanted to do was watch him, im sure everyone else gets bored with me saying 7 months on aah did you hear that snore, laugh, or him 'talking'
the most amazing thing is when he puts his arms out to me and when i hold him he holds my face and takes in every detail!!
good luck and enjoy becoming a mum

Sorry if this is echoing what others have said, haven't had a chance to read all posts...

I would just like to say that for me, the rush of overwhelming love didn't come straight away. I think it was wildhoodchunder who said this also.
When DD1 was born, I was relieved that the pain had stopped, baby was breathing, had ten fingers and toes, I was ok, DH was there to see the birth etc, but the love came later.
I didnt say a word to anybody and didn't necessarily worry about it but it wasn't until the health visitor came in the early weeks and asked how things were going and I broke ito a huge explanation about how things were going practically, the HV said when I had finished waffling..."and do you love her yet?"

...and that, in a nut shell, explained all I had been worrying about. And I said "yeah, I think I do"
and now, she's 2y7m, and I love her so much it is overwhelming and scary and heart wrenching and all of those other things mentioned above.
but the thing that surprised me most was that noone warned me that the love may need to grow over time nor just appear as your handed the newborn!

I've not read the others, but:

1. The overwhelming feeling of love for this tiny person the second you give birth.

1. Pride - believe me every time my dc competes in his sports competitions I cry with pride (I must be sad)

1. Tiredness - I was lucky with both of mine they went through the night fairly early, but when they are ill or whatever it is the sheer "not being able to switch off" moments that kill!

1. Discipline (I hate it)

1. People giving you cr*p advice

There will be lots of highs and lows for new parents. The lows will never outweigh the highs though, for that child is your flesh and blood.

Me xx

It still amazes me that milk goes in white but the poo comes out bright yellow...

And mashed bananas can stain anything.

I can say in order each shock, and it truly was all a complete shock....

How much I loved them instantly and then it grew every day...

How hard it is to establish breast feeding.

For the first time in my life, I was fat (after birth) and couldn't have cared less (if you knew how vein I am that would shock you too) because I only had eyes for him, I didn't matter.

How for the first year in both their lives, me and DH suddenly started fighting alot - and also got back to normal.

How much worry they bring as the love is so strong, anxiety rears it's very ugly head.

That I would love my second as much as my first.

That I still find my DD's every new trick amazing even though ive done it all before.

How fast they grow .

How much my life has changed. I can hardly remember who I was before children or what I did with my time.

That id enjoy being a mum as much as this.

sorry, should say, my DS is 3.8 and dd 14 months.

So many shocks and surprises! The 'little things' affected me most - the lack of sleep, constant crying and colic etc had all been anticipated - but I didn't realise I wouldn't get a peaceful lunch or dinner for months. Ditto showers

I definitely didn't realise that being a SAHM would mean living in the 1950s! Men VANISH and you begin living in a female-centric world - midwives, HVs, nannies, MILS, cleaners, other mums...with the exception of DH I never see a single bloody bloke!

I also wasn't prepared for the fact that every day will contain at least ten minutes of sheer, unadulterated joy. It's a happiness unlike any other I experienced before having DS. We are a family and in spite of all the hard work it really is amazing.

I liked the post earlier about the Wizard of Oz and when the film bursts into colour. I had thought the same thing when Kelis had Accapella out this summer (DS was 2 months old) "before you, my whole life was accapella, now a symphony's the only song to sing". Don't think she wrote it about her children, but it seemed that way to me.

Good thread!

The first experience of uncondintional love - like a tidal wave

The recognition that you'd throw yourself (and/or your partner) in front of a bus to save your baby first

That despite being a baby-numpty I COULD change a nappy and holding a new born felt like second nature

The terror of losing your baby - I used to visualise doing crazy things like falling down the stairs and squashing them. Sleep ddeprivation I think

How mundane it can be and how 15 minutes can seem like a fortnight

How you can survive quite well on little sleep, at least when not working. Fresh air is miraculous

How lovely breastfeeding is - but only after the 1st 6 weeks

How worrying about routines is a waste of time and energy

How the small things you always took for granted become major treats - e.g. having a coffee on your own; driving your car with only you in it; going to the supermarket alone

How wonderful our NHS can be and all the support you get from health visitors and childrens centres

Feeling a bit cheated when trying to find work - good part-time jobs really don't exist. Somehow I've become unemployable.

Why we aren't educated a bit more about motherhood and what it means in this modern world. The only message I got from school was 'don't get pregnant' but nothing prepared me for family life. Perhaps this is something I wish my mum had shared with me more.

How it's crap and brilliant at the same time

Not just love but for me, being in an almost state of constant AWE. People. We've MADE people. They have their OWN views and opinions and likes and dislikes and everything. IT'S MIND BLOWING.

The first time they say they love you - unprompted and non parrot.

How when its good, its SO great and there's nothing like it - same for when it's bad.

Old people smiling at them in the street, or stopping to rub their curls (?!). I always get a bit of a lump in my throat thinking that will be me someday aged 80 when mine are all gone.

That I can love no. 2 as much as I love no. 1. That no. 2 is SO utterly different to no. 1.

That all those special moments you swear that you'll never ever forget (even if you write them down!) constantly get eclipsed by the next development. Before they walk, you can't imagine them not walking, before they talk etc...

How much I hate myself if/when I'm mean, or shout.

How I want to be a better person all the time.

How I wish so much I'd made something of myself - me and OH - in a more 'conventional' way because we're broke, and there's so much I want to give them.

How I don't care about 'nice' furniture.

Seeing a 3 year old go through a whole box of eggs trying to crack them into a bowl on his own made me wee myself with laughter.

How much I miss the cinema and quickly feel out of date with all culture that I used to enjoy - music, art, reading!

Permanently feeling a low level of anxiety about all there is to do, ALL the time.

That I adore it (even when I hate it) and am good at it and that it gives me more purpose and joy than anything despite having a junkie for a mother, no father and being in foster homes and care my whole life.

How fucking hilarious they are - kids I mean.

Saffra you may not have to give up your long walks with the dog. I never walked so much in my life as I did when my DD was a baby. For ages the only way she would sleep in the daytime was in a moving pram. Great way to lose the baby weight

But yes everything everyone else has said really. I didn't get that first rush of love either and didn't really enjoy the baby bit much - DD was not the easiest of babies. But she's now 23 months and I love her so much I could burst.

What surprised me was:
How easy/quick and relatively painless my labour was. Having heard the usual horror stories I was really surprised at what a wonderful experience giving birth was and I felt really positive about the whole process from start to finish and felt proud that my body seemed to work very well!
How terribly emotional/physically draining/totally exhausting the first two weeks were. I knew they would be but yet nothing could have prepared me for just how dreadful I'd feel. You know that sleep deprivation is torture, but you don't really know what it feels like till you've been there.
How easy the rest has been so far (nearly 6 months). Of course it can be tiring but it's so much fun seeing her develop and I love my DD so much. I really can't remember what life was like before I had her - it feels like she's always been part of our family and I can't imagine life without her. It's wonderful!

Oh yes, I was completely shocked to find that b/f-ing could be painful and difficult to begin with. I'd always thought it was supposed to be enjoyable and assumed I'd just get on with it, so I hadn't really thought about how I would deal with any problems. I was surprised at how having problems with it made me feel (upset, inadequate and guilty) but I'm glad I didn't give up. It is really nice once you've got past an initial problems!

how much I would enjoy it, and how tired I would be