WWYD - DH looks after DC very differently to me when I am working away.

[OnEdge]

I work away most weekends and DH stays at home with the 3 children, 3, 18 months and 5 months.

He looks after them in a different way to me. No baths, often stay in clothes for bed such as t shirts and they stay on the next day too. My Mum will pop in over the weekend and tells me their hair isn't brushed and faces not washed etc.

They do have a great time with him, lots of playing and Dad type chucking about stuff. They eat well, and nappies all changed - no sore bums.

Would you just turn a blind eye, or push for him to bath them etc ?

I was prompted to ask because I came home last night to find the baby in the same baby grow as she was put in on Friday and it smells of sour milk. I didn't mention it to him because he was chatting away telling me what a great time they had all had dancing !!!

Leave him to get on with it..

as they get older, they will probably start getting dressed etc. themselves.

Its only two days and as long as they are fed, watered and happy, they will be fine

your mum could get a face-cloth and a hairbrush and give them the once-over if she is so bothered, surely?

hmm, that is a BIT skanky

she'll live, though, eh?

I mean the three day old babygrow...

yeah, i thought that about Mum, why doesn't she help him out. She did ask me to stop questioning her because I made her feel like a spy

and yeah the babygrow was v.skanky, her cardigan was stiff around her chin too.

Also, the housework is untouched so I spend a day sorting it all out.

When I am away, I do feel relaxed and content that they are in good hands, and am pleased that we can look after them between us whilst both working.

Just a bit at some of the things I find on my return.

In principle I suspect you should leave it as just being different strokes for different strokes, but I'd mention the babygro just by itself as you noticed it yourself.

If your mum only said about this when asked then maybe she felt the same as you in that he ought to be left to get on with it?

first involve him in dressing the kids when your in the house. So you know he can do it! Then next time your away leave 2 complete piles of clothes. With label on top. Clean Clothes to put on Sat Morning, etc. I wouldn't be too worried if they were fed and nappies changed it was only 2 days.

I think you are very lucky to have a wonderful DH who is a great Dad.

Given that it is at the weekend so they are not going into school with dirty clothes I would leave it be.

So he works all week and you work all weekend? Neither of you gets a break then? Sounds a bit exhausting

I'd be furious to come home from a weekend working and find my children unwashed and no housework done.
When would it occur to him to put clean clothes on the baby if you were away for two weeks?

I think I would mention the babygrow because the baby is far to young to say anything and I would really hate to be left in clothes that reaked of sour milk but apart from that I would let him get on with it.

What would happen if you did that? (I'm presuming you look after them in the week when he works)

I hate this "oh bless, the ickle man has managed to change a nappy, isn't his wife lucky?" attitude. Because of course everyone knows that men just don't see dirt the same way women do

OK if it is just a difference in parenting style, but to me that means it would have to be something where it would be ok if it happened 24/7.

Would he change them if their nappies had leaked? If they'd been sick? It sounds rank and uncomfortable. Had he cleaned their teeth?

He's doing the absolute minimum. It's not showing you (or your DDs) much respect, is it?

Being a good Dad is about doing ALL the parenting, not just the fun bits.

If the OP was saying "he had them in tops that didn't math their trousers" that would be one thing but we're talking about dirty clothes, no washing, unbrushed teeth & hair. That sort of thing is not going to kill them once in a while whilst on a camping trip, say, but it's not okay at home on a regular basis.

He's being lazy and if the genders were reversed words like 'neglect' would be being bandied around no doubt. He needs to sort it out.

I wouldn't mind about baths. I only bath our dcs three times a week or so. I would be unhappy about the not getting dressed at all, no clean clothes.
The housework - if you would do housework in that scenario you should talk to him about pulling his weight but you can't ask him to do anything you wouldn't iyswim.

I no bath wouldn't bother me. The dirty clothes I would have to say something about. It doesn't take long to put on clean clothes in the morning and before bed.

only speaking from my experience,my kids wouldn't be fed if i didn't leave the food out and I know i'm not alone. Not everyone is living with Superdad.

No, it's not acceptable. Differences in parenting style and standards of housekeeping are fine IMO. This goes a wee bit further.

I'd only mention the babygrow as a specific but I'd certainly want a frank discussion, in general terms, about what needs to be done in the weekend.

You need to agree some ground rules. Day clothes in the day, PJs at night, teeth cleaned and hair brushed is the minimum. A lazy pajama Sunday once in a while is nice, but that's not what's happening. I wouldn't be bothered about the bathing, unless there was some incident that made it necessary (nappy explosion / bolognese incident etc.)

I'd expect the basics of the housework done, so washing in basket and a load done and put away if there's a full one. 1 x hoovering, washing up sorted, that sort of thing. Not full on cleaning but not making a sty of the place either.

wyorksmum - that really is quite shocking, my DP is by no means Superdad, he might just manage the above but it would be a push. You really need to speak to your DP, food is a basic requirement.

During the week, does the oldest go to nursery/pre-school at all? And how long have you been back at work for since having DC3? I only ask, as maybe he is struggling to get used to having 3 to manage, and maybe if you have a bit more slack during the week, you're not seeing it the same way? I'm not saying poor ickle man, just that maybe he hasn't found a rhythm to it yet, and needs a bit of guidance from you as to how to juggle three kids and get everything else done as well.

I personally wouldn't be bothered about baths, as mine only get a couple a week or if obviously dirty. I don't bother getting my baby dressed every day, although I would change him if he was covered in milk/food.

It may also be that, even though it is your working part of the week, because it is his weekend that he feels it is ok to just be relaxed about it all, maybe.

What housework is it that he isn't doing? I admit we have a cleaner, and I'm too idle to hoover in between times unless it's really grubby, so wouldn't expect DH to either. But, I do expect him to keep on top of laundry when I am away, and he is fixated on washing up, I can't even leave a cup without him instantly swooping in and washing it.

I don't see why you can't just say to him, look it's great the children are happy, you're doing a good job - but you've really got to get them dressed morning and evening. Is he brushing their teeth? It doesn't sound like it.