WWYD - DH looks after DC very differently to me when I am working away.

[OnEdge]

I work away most weekends and DH stays at home with the 3 children, 3, 18 months and 5 months.

He looks after them in a different way to me. No baths, often stay in clothes for bed such as t shirts and they stay on the next day too. My Mum will pop in over the weekend and tells me their hair isn't brushed and faces not washed etc.

They do have a great time with him, lots of playing and Dad type chucking about stuff. They eat well, and nappies all changed - no sore bums.

Would you just turn a blind eye, or push for him to bath them etc ?

The word Minghing comes to mind. Ask yourself, would you want to be in the same clothes all weekend with stains and "stiff" bits.

If your DH thinks this is acceptable he must be a bit smelly himself.

Your DH sounds very juvenile - he does the stuff he enjoys, i.e. playing with the little darlings, but can't be bothered to give them a bath.

Youngsters tend to dribble wee on themselves and their clothes, and aren't great at wiping their bottoms either, so I think bathing daily is a requisite.

Suggest you withold all sexual favours until DH falls into line and baths and changes their clothes daily - clean pyjamas for bed. Bet their teeth aren't brushed either. DISGUSTING.

PlasticLentilWeaver Do you find people avoid you/your DC on public transport?

I would say only bathing your children twice a week, "unless obviously dirty" could be construed as neglect by some people.

GorgeousX - don't be ridiculous. Twice a week is often enough to have a bath. Most children are bathed far too often.

GORGEOUSX - I only bath my DS a couple of times a week. He has very dry skin and we have very hard water. He doesn't smell FGS, he's a child.

OnEdge - I think you need to tell him he needs to change them if they're in dirty clothes, brush their hair and teeth and wash their faces.

AND I would be livid about the lack of cleaning. Just keeping it under control is better than nothing

for GORGEOUSX

LOL GorgeousX - neglect is not feeding your child, leaving them in dirty nappies, leaving him/her unattended etc. As LadyBiscuit says, most kids are bathed far too often.

I didn't say anything about how often I (or DH) wash, only my children.

And no, we don't get avoided on public transport. We avoid using public transport, as we find the general public are far too smelly

Thanks for the great replies. Will come back and get stuck in when I've finished getting my e bay microwave : /

Just a quick point beforede I go, DH is very clean, and showers every day - double standards innit !!

Before - I phone

I stand by what I said. I think the OP is lucky to have a DH who loves looking after his children every weekend whilst working FT during the week. And in terms of whether he is male or female I think anyone who works FT and plays with their children at the weekends shouldn't be moaned at for not doing the housework.

Why do we insist of day clothes for the day and night clothes for night? PJs are comfortable and warm and if given a choice I like to stay in mine all day on a Sunday. It doesn't make me a bad person.

Oh I don't think is a big deal, just ask nicely "Why don't you give a bath/change clothes at least once during the weekend". And give DH a kiss for taking care of them while you are away.

If I really pushed him and nagged, he would do it. I would have to put all the clothes out for him, and write lists.

Many people we know commend him on being such a good Dad, and they say I am lucky having a husband who will look after them all weekend . I find that shocking! They are his children, he isn't doing me a favour. It's so confusing. My standards are compromised enough as it is with shaving the 3 so close together and running my own business. I feel like I'm holding it all together for everyone.

Having

It's like having 4 kids

Then you need to have words.

If he can manage to find his OWN clothes and have a wash at the weekend, then he should be able to do it for the little people that he has responsibility for. No excuses.

And I am a loud advocate of regular pyjama days - but does he EVERgo out at the weekend?!?! Surely the kids are washed and dressed in clean stuff then?!

It's time for him to get his big boy pants on and accept the fact that he is a DAD to three youngsters, not some sort of entertainer whilst you are not there!!!

OnEdge You have my sympathies. I'm afraid all DHs are like having another child - you have to learn to manage them (the DHs I mean). I stand by my earlier post - I think it's pretty disgraceful.

I wouldn't bother with lists and clothes - you've got enough to do by the sounds of it.

I always found withdrawing sexual favours worked very well when I was training DH in coming round to my way of thinking.

If that won't work on your DH, that's a whole other thread.

So am I right in thinking you work weekends whilst he looks after the kids, & he works during the week whilst you take on childcare? Firstly, when do you ever see each other? And secondly, looking after 3 under 3 is tough for anyone whether it's you or him and fitting in housework will be tricky but you absolutely need to agree some sort of basic chores rota.
For starters I'd be putting him in charge of shopping (even if you have to make the list) then at least he has to go outside & get the kids dressed once (or make sure there's nothing in the frdige so he has to go)

My DH is a SAHD and there were a few months of adjustment as he did things very differently to me (more play less structure) and I'd honestly say it took a good 3 or 4 months before he got on top of housework (well 6 if you ignore the few months I carried on doing everything before I realised this wasn't helping him figure it out). I've also learnt that if something is bothering you, don't ignore it as it will turn into something bigger. Half the time my DH didn't even see the issues I did but others he chose to ignore & that's where we've had to compromise.

All that aside, never leaving the house sounds at the weekend sounds like he's terrified of taking them all out together & it getting by OK at home but doesn't want to risk going out.
LCNx

Yes, he just sits at home with them playing. His sister comes round with her DD to play with ours, and my Mum and Dad pop round. He usually nips to Tesco then.

He will spend a lot of time and effort doing little projects that don't help me much, but he thinks he is working really hard. i would like him to channel that effort into things that i find important.

This weekend, he spent ages moving all the toys up into the bedroom as planned, but there are two HUGE massive big laundry bags FULL to be put away that he has had to move, (so he knows they are there IYKWIM). I would rather that he had spent that time putting the clothes away. We can move rooms around another time.

I am just sick of being a moaning old bag, I'm too fucked to tackle it right now.

The good news is, his step Mum is coming round to do 3 hours cleaning a week starting tomorrow, and she cleaning mad, her DH told me she dusts her lounge 3 times a day !!!!!!!!

He's an intelligent human being. Ask him to explain how he's approaching all this.

'DH, how come you wear clean clothes most days but the kids wear skanky stuff all weekend? I mean, I wouldn't care every now and then, but it seems to happen all the time. What's going on there?'

'OK, so looking at the house, it looks like there's now about 2 hours of extra housework from the weekend that needs to be done. How are we going to tackle it? And what are the chances of coming back next weekend to find the place in reasonable nick, mate, because it's not on to create an extra shift just because I'm not here?'

I am the last person to ask as my dh sometimes does the ds-in-the-same-clothes-for-36-hours thing, and although he does tidying, he does very little cleaning. I just hate having these sorts of conversation myself, but the brutal fact is, if you don't have the conversation, the same old shit will come down the river.

'

I love same old shit will come down the river !

I know I should say summert, but I'm too fucked, and my DH is very clever at arguing and justifying his actions, because I am fucked, I can't face it, its like a game of chess.

I think that maybe he is trying to get some sort of an R&R weekend, and this is his way of coping. Just survives with the kids and relaxes as much as possible.

What really fuckin winds me up, is that when he does the night shift, they all seem to sleep through This might be because he sleeps heavily and they give up and go back to sleep. I tend to jump up at the first murmur. I really need a break I think. Might squeeze in an extra night away this weekend and go Friday evening rather than saturday.

When he needs to be, DH is extremely attentive to the DC. My son had very bad nappy rash once due to teething. I left strict instructions to wash him in the bath at every nappy change. When I came home, it was nearly healed. So if it is serious stuff, he will do it. He has looked after them when they both had D&V, and his hand washing etc was spot on, an they were both clean and well looked after and pukey bedding washed. So he can do it.

So the general response seems to be a gentle but firm kick up the arse ?

Well you need to work out what is most important to you, and lay it down.

I'd suggest you tell him the children need a change of clothes at least once every 24 hours even if it's just getting into a clean set of PJs - at least one bath over the weekend - and the kitchen should be no messier than you left it.

I think you need to stick to specific demands, rather than a general "you should do more". Which of course, he should.

I'd leave the piles of clean clothes, towels and face towels ready for each as a starting point. As someone else suggested, maybe he is struggling to find a routine. If he has already left in the mornings for work he wont see how much planning you put into things and how organised you have to be. I know thats what I'd have to do with my DP. On the odd weekend I have a lie-in DS's routine goes out the window. Breakfast is not offered early enough, TV is on before he is washed and dressed, teeth getting brushed in car on our way out for the day as he "forgot". But this isn't every weekend so I'm able to put up with it.

I only have 1 DC and 1 on the way. DP doesnt always do things my way but so long as I see he has made an effort im okay with that but I am forever trying to get him to be more organised.

I would say that you are glad they love their weekends together and have so much fun . . . but he needs to try and do a little bit more. They should change their clothes at some point, maybe have a bath and he needs to do more housework as it is overwelming for you when you get back to have to clear up the mess from 4 people over a whole weekend.