What makes a good mother?

[JustineMumsnet]

Hi all,
I've been asked to write the intro to a special motherhood issue for a mag including a portfolio of Modern Motherhood comprising women in who have had: children in their teens, in their 40s, have adopted, had IVF, are co-parenting with their ex, and so on - to show the all-embracing range of motherhood today.

Just wondered if I could pick your "brians" on what you think the qualities of a good mother are and whether what you need to be a good mother has changed with our generation compared to our mothers?

Would love to know your thoughts. Tia.

I love the posts by Bucharest and bruffin and agree that 'my child my rules' should be outlawed and never pass anyone's lips. Furthermore the DC should not be led to believe it because it is simply not true.

The reason that the elements that make a good mother are always the same is that Kahlil Gibran had it right in his poem, most particularly the lines:

'They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.'

(I don't know when he wrote it but he died in 1931)

I think that parents ought to be given a copy at the birth, it is much better than any baby manual!

RealityIsKnockedUp also had a good point in time away from your DCs, never having a night away or trusting a babysitter isn't a virtue.

I agree that we should not strive to be a "good parent" but, rather, a "good enough parent"; in fact the mantra should be "moderation in all things". For example, you should love your child, but not so much that you forget to love yourself.

Above all, never lose your sense of humour.

Superficially, what makes a "good parent" may change over time, as fads come and go, but the essentials never change.

I love that Khalil Gibran poem and am always quoting it at people!

Reality is right about the gin as well. Although my preferred poison is chocolate by the barrowload.

I love that poem. Im going to stick it on my fridge!

Love.
Kindness.

My thoughts:

A good mother provides a safe haven from which her children can confidently go forth and embrace the world on their terms.

She teaches them how to love and be loved, how to share and how to care.

The mechanics are neither here nor there.

And I second the chocolate, Bucharest.

Chocolate and gin! (and a nice glass of wine).

Jane Smiley has a good description of good and bad horse mothers in Horse Heaven. The good horse mothers are calm and don't fret and worret at their foals too much. It occurs to me I wouldn't be a great horse mother...

realising that recognition as a 'good mother ' from other mothers is not a valuble way of being a good mother, but its only your kids opinion that counts, and you won't get proper feedback until they are older and doing the 'mothering' themselves.

loving without question or validation of a job being done well. humour, pesistance and love.

I think that what makes a 'good' mother is trying your best to be a good mother. Making time for your children. Making sure they feel loved and unconditionally cared for.
I think these are the basics and I don't think they've changed at all for previous generations.
Maybe the constraints upon our time have changed though - we have gadgets now to help us cook and clean, but work/tv/computers/commuting have entered our worlds to varying degrees.
Also teaching your children, through your own actions, kindness; good manners and the ability to love, then I think you're a wonderful mother

Think that poem should be put up permantly on Mumsnet somewhere. It's sentiments are exactly what I strive for in parenting.

A good mother is one who is safe in the knowledge that they 'do their best' everyday.

The thing that's different IMO is the pressure from outside.

When my mum was bringin us up her neighbours helped her out, told us off if we were naughty in the street, took care of each others children etc. There werent media images of yummy mummies bouncing back into shape within days. There were no 5 a day or Talk to your Baby campaigns.

There is no 'good enough' mothering in the eyes of the media or goverment. Mothering is a career with high expectations where failure is all too easy.

It might be more interesting to talk about what the difference is between a good parent, and a good mother, if any. What makes mothers special as distinct from fathers?

immeasurable volumes of patience, unimaginable degrees of time management skills and the unconscious desire to put your children's needs in the correct position of priority. Usually first above all others. Especially when they are small and helpless, but then adjusting as they get older to help make the family unit work.

High spirits. Or any spirits, really!

fruit shoots
nesquick
macdonalds
and unlimited telly!

:)

accepting and allowing your children to be themselves

it's the most important job in the world, but you can't take it too seriously - you've got to laugh a lot

Kahlil Gibran also wrote that children are arrows from your bow. I love that.

Itshappenedagain is right about your children being the ones to assess your parenting skills. I think you should always remember that you will have to account to them for your actions. But it's also when they become parents themselves that they realise what you went through, and they forgive you and appreciate you.

tolerance, patience, good humour, a thick skin, a sense of humour, love

as to whether it's changed, difficult for me to say as I grew up in Sweden, where the main ideas of parenting in the 60s were very similar to what is considered good practice/fashionable in the UK now: breastfeeding as a default option, non-smacking, listening to the child but setting firm boundaries- so being like my mother (or even like my grandmother) makes me look modern and up-to-date

and fathers were already very present in parenting in my childhood, so not much change there

Being able to refelect and try and a different approach if things go wrong is very important for me. Also listening, being consistent, fair, calm and giving positive attention are important.

My parents in their mid 60's have admitted to 'parenting blindly' with little thought about what they are doing or their kids basic needs - emotional or other. Our lives evolved around my parents christian career and it wasn't a child friendly up bringing in any shape or form (prayer groups, speaking in touguges, casting out of deamons, serving the church over anything etc). They had a ultra religious rule by the rod approach and kept a stick above the kitchen door. Not a healthy or balanced way to bring up children!