What makes a good mother?

[JustineMumsnet]

Hi all,
I've been asked to write the intro to a special motherhood issue for a mag including a portfolio of Modern Motherhood comprising women in who have had: children in their teens, in their 40s, have adopted, had IVF, are co-parenting with their ex, and so on - to show the all-embracing range of motherhood today.

Just wondered if I could pick your "brians" on what you think the qualities of a good mother are and whether what you need to be a good mother has changed with our generation compared to our mothers?

Would love to know your thoughts. Tia.

What NonnoMum said.

I don't think there's such a thing as a good mother. That's what seems to make for such insanity at all of the NCT groups I attend. We're all desperate to do the very best for our children, and that means that if anyone else is doing it differently then help! Maybe you're a bad mother! And she's a good mother! Maybe Oliver James will say that you fucked up your children and pontificate to you on the radio!

It's enough to aspire to be good enough. We're all muddling through, doing the best we can, loving our children and occasionally messing up, but then picking ourselves up, dusting oursleves down and trying to be good enough.

That's what I fink.

Optimism and compassion. See the good in all people, most especially your kids. And tell them about it.

Ignore as much bad as possible and concentrate on the big bad stuff. The little stuff may seem bad at the time, but it is the stuff you regret responding to negatively. Breathe deeply and count to ten..

And, as peanut pie said, be reliable. Let them know you will be there and be there (whether it's sports day or emotionally) .

porcupine I did not mean that single mothers are inferior in any way, only that being utterly alone is completely unfair to the mother and to the children
I just don't think it can be expected to be solely 'the mother's job' to parent the child

I think that perpetuating the idealised image of 'the mother' takes the responsibility of parenting from the other side

Mittler, I agree. Even in my mid 30's, my oldest a teenager, I aspire to be as good a mother as my Mum. She was calm, accepting and ever present. Still is.

someone who:

-loves their child as an individual and shows it

-stimulates their child in the way the child wants to develop

-is clear and comfortable about the boundaries/limits within which they allow their child to develop

(I struggle all the time with the last one!)

remembering to have fun

For me, it's being able to put your Dc's first and being happy to do so.

As a single Mum, you need to be both good guy and bad guy at times and when you need to discipline them, you need to be able to give a cuddle when it's over without constantly going back to the 'wrong doing.'

I'm not a 'great' Mum IMO, but I do love both my Dc's and know that they love me too. That's the most important thing to me :) and I give great cuddles.

great thread

noting these down, particularly from Peanut Pie, Mmsoul and Custardo

I think to be a good mother you have to feed them now and then and lick them clean when necessary, and let them follow you around the field a bit and latch on when they feel like it. If predators come near, you have to make a big noise and make the predators go away again. You also have to carry out a bit of health and safety training so your offspring eventually works out how to keep themselves in one piece.

Well that's what other animals do, anyway, and it should be enough for us.

Imo listening to your kids, truly listening to what they have to say (especially as they get older) is vital.

Making sure they know that you love them always - despite the daily battles and hurtful words, that sadly can be part of family life.

Accepting your children for who they are. By this I don't mean that I don't nag, cajole and occasionally act like a drill sergeant when needs be.

I suppose I mean allowing your child to be the individual they are without imposing your ideals/dreams/expectations excessively.

My oldest dc is almost 12, and it really brings home to me the dreadful relationship i had with my mother as a teenager.

She never wanted to listen to me (I think afraid of what she might hear). I never want to have this type of relationship with my DCs.

My mum is very kind and intelligent women, has many wonderful qualities, but it is now as the mother of an almost teenager (plus 2 younger) that I really recognise her shortcomings.

It makes me quite actually, though i do recognise that she was a product of her times, and grew up with a hardworking but emotionally detached mother herself.

History won't be repeating itself in our house.

Isn't the whole issue that there is no such one thing as a "good mother"? There are different people with different personalities trying to bring up little people who have their own personalities. Every time we try to label what a "good" parent is, we risk alienating (or at least worrying) those who do not tick the particular box.

The world is a big place and it has room for a lot of people. There are plenty of mothers out there who might not be regarded as "good" by Mumsnets standards** but without whom the world would be a less diverse place. We shouldn't label the child by the parent. So what does a "good mother" mean in that context?

**I am not sure whether a standard international measure for this exists yet ;-)

I think a good mother makes her child feel loved, secure, and safe. A good mother listens to her child and trust her instincts. She demonstrates how to be a good, kind person.

I also think helping a child to feel confident is important.

Swallowed a fly, your sky fell in comment is so lovely.

I think a 'good enough mother' needs
lots of love
enough nous to get the basics done - feed them, brush their teeth, talk to them, play with them, get them to school - that kind of thing
a sense of humour and a bit of self-awareness (as in any human relationship)

That's it really. Everything else comes from the above IMO.

Putting your children and their needs first.

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

A well rested mum can cope with anything.

And forget the "good" mother stuff. Aim for "good enough". It's not an exam. It's a family.

Talk to them. Listen to them. Let them talk to you so they'll want to listen to you.

Bring girls up to be proud of being girls and able to function, if it so happens without boys. And vice versa. Let girls wear orange and pistachio green (dd's current favourite ) instead of pink if they want, and let boys wear pink frills if they wish. Let your boys cry. Let your girls get filthy fiddling round in mud with insects and sticks.

Be honest with them, and about them. To yourself and to others.

Just because they have your dna, doesn't make them any more perfect than you are. Or than the next person is.

Accept that their teacher is not out to get them, but simply sees them more objectively than you, psychologically, will ever be able to.

Let them fail. Let them learn for themselves that they aren't the centre of the world.

And likewise, accept that the family doctor might just know a bit more than you about some stuff.

And never ever lose sight of yourself as a person. A mother is just one of the many things a woman is. (and FWIW, I also think it's the most important bit of me, and sometimes have to remind myself that somewhere there's someone who is more than just "dd's-mum".)

Never ever use the term "Happy baby, happy Mummy". That's the day you wake up and find you've lost yourself.

I don't think that it has changed, the qualities that make a good mother remain the same whatever the circumstances and situation.
What ChocolateMoose said, good enough. Benign neglect, giving them time to 'stand and stare', get bored, find out who they are and what they want to do, for themselves. Support and encourage, lead by example.Say 'do as I do' and never 'do as I say.'
This only works if you have the main ingredients, unconditional love and security, you must be utterly dependable and reliable.
You also need to be the mother, not the best friend, and able to say 'no' when it is required and understand that you will be unpopular sometimes and it doesn't matter or change your relationship.
Above all you need a sense of humour and you should never take yourself too seriously! Go for the long view and don't heap guilt on yourself, for not being perfect.

I forgot communication is the key and realising that your job as a mother is to gradually let go and give them space to risk assess for themselves and learn by their own mistakes. This has to be age appropriate, but you are not doing them any favours by being over protective and doing everything for them.

Agree with Lamorna.

Do not go charging in fighting all their battles for them. One day, there will be a huge important serious battle for you to fight on their behalf. That's the day to do the Lioness thing, not when they've fallen out in the playground at the age of 6. Or when they've been told off at school.

Ignoring the latest fad in parenting and going with the flow.

Knowing when to let go and start to let them spread their wings.

Knowing that you are not the only person in their life that will influence or having the arrogance to believe that you are the only person who is good enough for them (IYSWIM)

Not treating your child as a possession or an experiment
(can't bear the phrase "your child your rules")

porcupine did NOBODY help your mum?
Did she not have the support of any family memebers or friends?

I think we have changed a bit over the years.
Remember before I say this, IT IS GENERALLY SPEAKING, we are all different.

My mum and many of her friends and my friends mums (if your still with me) didn't breast feed. Why bother, there was some perfectly good formula to do the job for you.
There was no pressure to breast feed.

I also hear friends telling me their mum had the same idea - Your goal was to get them sleeping from day dot. Alot of stories of sugar and water and letting them cry it out.

My grans generation where tougher again. Children should be seen and not heard.

Less affectionate (not all, but generally).
Maybe they had to be, my gran wasn't the only one to have 5 kids in a single end (room and kitchen, out door loo).

Our generation, If we are not reading about foods our kids shouldn't have, breast V bottle then we are thumbing our way through our collection of books telling us how we should bring up our kids ie

How to Talk so our Kids will Listen
Sibling rivalry
Playful Parenting
Bringing up Boys/Girls

Im sure my gran or even my mum in the 70's would have laughed at the idea of someone else telling them how to do it or wasting your time on a book.

My gran regularly tells me im spoiling them. My mum regularly tells me I make life hard for myself. My friends report the same thing about their mums.

I think Dads are getting much better (again generally) much more involved.

My gran tells me you'd never have seen a man push a pram in her day.

We worry far more, we put more into it, I think we are more affectionate and we are putting the kids before our selves more often.

Who is right? Probably there are faults on both sides but I tend to think my mums generation were a bit too selfish or just slightly ignorant >duck to avoid backlash.

I am 34, my kids are 3.5 and 13 months, boy and girl. Im a SAHM

I have met alot of mum friends and they range from 24 - 40. I notice that is unusual in our group. I notice other groups of mums stick to their own .

Cafe's are full of 30-40+ mums in groups but younger girls seem to stick in two's. I have no idea why - is their less young mums now or do they do different things from older mums?

I live in Edinburgh, im sure it varies even from area to area.

I don't know if any of that drivel was useful for your piece! Good luck.