I'm going to make DS do a load of stuff he doesn't want to do.

[RawDEal]

My DS is 10 and is currently being bullied at school. As a previous tearaway himself, its come as a bit of a shock that ds is now a victim. (he was never a bully, more of a class clown, jack-the-lad type character).

I've decided DS needs a complete new start, just because of the bullying, but also because he has gained a name for himself as a trouble causer/pain in the arse at his current school.

1. Hair cut. He currently has long, blonde scruffy hair which he refuses to have cut. I think it just spells out "I'm trouble". I'm going to make him get it cut.

1. School move. Should have done this a long time ago when he started falling in with the wrong crowds. It will be hard, but I'm certain it is the break he needs.

1. Smarten up. No more walking around like a tramp. I'm going to get rid of his beloved clothes that are old, scruffy and too small and MAKE him wear decent stuff. Self respect and all that.

Am I being cruel doing this?? he's going to hate me for it. But I need to do something

Obviously the biggest thing will be to stamp down on his own behaviour too but that goes without saying.

Hope it works and well done on recognising there is a problem and that it can be solved.

I wd not be too fussed abt the clothes but wd do the others

I'd let him help choose new clothes
you'll have to give him an incentive to cut his hair
you don't want a big battle
is he in yr 6? Won't he be moving up soonanyway?

I agree with what you are going to do (mostly) but tbh you sound really angry and agressive and I think you need to calm down a lot before talking to your DS. I also think you need to be careful how you go about this, because otherwise you are going to come across as telling him he is asking for the bullying.

I don't see how his hairstyle is responsible for his behaviour?
If there is no school uniform then I agree smarter clothes for school but if there is a uniform I don't see how his preferred clothes affect his behaviour, or am I missing something?

he's being bullied so you've decided to force him to do a lot of stuff that will upset him and make him hate you?

i have to say i am slightly flummoxed....

I think you need to build his confidence and ablity to be assertive otherwise he will quickly find new bullies at his new school.

As far as the hair cut, give him some choice on how he wants it styled. Its not unreasonable to insist on a bit of a tidy up, but allow him some freedom.

Replacing his clothes will be good for him.

It seems a bit distruptive to move schools in year 6. Have you talked to his teachers. Are they sympathetic? If the school aren't helping then I don't think you are unreasonable to move him. Its not a decision to make in haste.

It sounds almost as though he is being punished for being bullied.

I think you're in danger of teaching him the lesson that when someone is being bullied it is the victim who needs to change and not the bully.

sorry but you are sending teh message that thr reason your son is bullied is because of who he is and it is his fault and that he needs to change for it to stop. at 10, his hair and scruffy clothes are part of who he is. i remember at that age i made an active choice to wear more boyish clothes. i got on better with boys at school and this was part of who i was. i would have hated for my mum to make me wear pink just so the girls liked me, and believe me, i was bullied badly by some of the girls.

there is nothing wrong with insisting on standards of hygiene and when required, that he dresses appropriately. i assume at school he has a uniform and at any special occasions he dresses nicely but when at home or playing with friends he neds to be allowed to just be himself.

Bullying is a terrible thing - I have lots of experience with this.

Fair enough he has in the past been 'sparky' that was the time to go strict on him.

At a point that he is being bullied and no doubt feeling v vulnerable you -his mum are going to alter his whole 'look'?

That to me says he is to blame for being bullied- he isnt.

Im not being vindictive here I dont know everything about your situation but I think your actions are on a par with bullying (albeit with good intentions)at a time he needs your absolute unconditional support.

Do you see his scruffyness as a lack of self respect or as rebellion or as fashion?

I insist on a certain standard of dress for school because it's the same as work. I do think hair is apart of this-as in it should be brushed and tied back if long.

However, I do think you could be sending the message that you think he's shit and deserves to get bullied.
I know what you mean honestly, my ds has special needs and is an obvious target. I take care with his clothes because I don't want him to stand out more. However, he is 9 and has a say-hence the tracksuits(bleurgh imo) that he wears, but no way would I allow him to wear clothes that are too small. Maybe if he was 16, but not at 9/10.

I second the let him go shopping with you and take him to a reall good hairdressers.

Moving schools is often the most constructive choice in this situation, but please make sure he knows he is not the problem.

I appreciate you want him to have a fresh start and feel good about himself, but it needs careful handling.

sit down and chat to him about having a fresh start and get him to pick a hair style/clothes in the sales. Have a pamper day so he can feel good about himself and maybe also buy a book to help him with self esteem and how to deal with bullies.