Really scared I'll always feel this way..

[natsyloo]

...I have posted a couple of times re: PND so apologies for the broken record but with a 4 month old DS I'm really concerned about not really feeling noticeably better, having started takin ADs at 8wks and doing everything possible to alleviate symptoms.

My DS is a pretty challenging baby who cries relentlessly (and scarily loudly!) which I find particularly stressful and sometimes embarrassing at social events where other babies are seemingly calm.

I'm still able to 'function' as if I am a happy go lucky mum, going out lots, meeting other mums, doing exercise etc but my underlying feeling is just one of being a bit of a fraud as I'm not enjoying this and am really sad to say it feels like I've made a major mistake.

The most painful element of it all is the remote feeling from my DS - I've always been a real baby mad gal, cooing at babies on the bus etc but I just feel so detached from my own DS as if he belongs to someone else. When I do check myself and realise he's mine I get this really scary wave of fear that I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do.

Really sorry for the rant and self indulgence but I could really use some reassurance that these distressing thoughts and feelings will pass. I've really fought for CBT but am told the waiting list is at least 16 weeks - when I'll be back at work!

Rationally I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's quite hard to believe.

I'd really welcome reassurance/advice from other mums who have been/ are going through this too.

Hi natsyloo

Had to respond to your post as I am in the same boat, although I am finding some relief from the AD's. I have a 5 week old DS and PND hit at 2 weeks, after a particularly troublesome delivery and first week in hospital. I completely relate to the feeling of detachment - even though the AD's are now working, to some extent I still feel this for DS. However, the feeling is lessening somewhat and the times when I want to spend time with DS are more frequent.

Have you spoken to your GP about changing your AD's or the dosage amount? Is there anyway you could afford to have a couple of CBT sessions privately initially to get the positive thinking started?

It WILL get better. You've got to remember this is all down to a chemical/hormonal imbalance and once that is rectified you WILL start to feel better and be able to bond with your DS. Sending you very unmumsnetty hugs.

Can you ask your HV / GP if there is a Community Psychiatric Nurse you can see? Maybe you have a local Children's / Family Mental Health unit? Not every professional seems aware that these exist and are the appropriate place to refer for PND. You may need to be horribley honest about your darkest thoughts to get their attention, if you feel ADs are not working for you.

It is important for your baby as well as your own health that you get help with this (if you feel bad about pushing on your own behalf)

In the mean time, do as much smiling and face to face time with your ds as you can manage. You will get there with the remote feeling.

Did you see the massive thread on here the other week about how many women did not get that instant rush of love with their dc? Can't remember where it was but very reassuring as they are all besotted now.

Thanks for the prompt responses. My GP is really lovely and supportive - she is writing a harsh letter to the psychotherapy team re: the poor response they gave me. I'm seeing my GP on Thurs so am going to discuss alternative ADs as I was breastfeeding but have now moved to formula.

I guess I'm a bit worried in case ADs don't work full stop and I have to muddle through it with other support means. If I don't get a better response re: CBT referral I am prepared to go private as I'm really keen to take as many positive steps as possible to get better.

I'm trying to set up a local support group for mums with PND as there's nothing where I live and it would not only benefit me but other mums in my situation.

WorrisomeHeart - I had a really bad labour too with ventouse, third degree tears and blood transfusions so I'm sure this has played some part.

Thanks again for the advice.

Natsyloo, please don't be too hard on yourself. It's really hard to NOT feel remote from a screaming 4-month-old when they don't give much back. I was in exactly this boat 5 years ago with DS1. I remember feeling exactly as you do, feeling like a fraud, feeling trapped, depressed, like there was no end in sight... I too had a constant crier and was horribly embarrassed by it. Now 5 years on, I have 2 boys, had PND with both of them, but I love love love both of them with all my heart. You will start to feel that attachment with your son as he starts to cry less, do more, and your depression hopefully improves. It WILL all get better and you soon won't be able to imagine life without DS! Good luck!

Maybe you need to change your antidepressants. Do you have to go back to work so soon?

A screaming baby is hard on anyone. He will get better as he gets older, I promise.

I think you should get an appointment to talk through your labour with a consultant or midwife. These seem to be available quite readily these days. I know my friend found it very helpful. You might be suffering post traumatic stress rather than PND. This can affect bonding with your baby.

If your baby is unsettled at night and you're not getting enough sleep, I'm concerned you won't cope going back to work so soon.

thanks for the replies. i'm feeling a bit brighter today - maybe because dh is home and kindly took ds out this morning so i could have a decent lie-in! we're also going to a children's birthday party today so i may inflict the cute xmas elf suit on ds. naughty mum.

wannabeglam - i did consider the poss of ptsd however i went through the labour with a mw on the ward but not to the extent of analysing the notes. i don't have flashbacks and can talk about the birth quite freely - i guess i'm trying to accept it was a difficult yet unavoidable experience.

as for work, my employer is pretty flexible so am not too concerned about the return. tbh i got a lot of self esteem and structure from my job in professional services so feel doing that p/time may actually make me feel better as i've never been good at staying at home for long periods of time. cabin fever central!

just one more thing - i've weaned off bfing this past couple of weeks - is it poss this may have contributed to my mood? i know it must affect the hormone balance.

thanks again for responding all.

OP I didn't enjoy either of my babies until they were 6/7 months and then it was like a light being switched on.

Im sorry but I don't think there is anything enjoyable about the demands of a small baby.

I didn't have PND either so I didn't even have a real excuse for it IYSWIM.

I suffered awful anxiety though about weird stuff so I paid for 4 (all I could afford) CBT sessions myself. It did help.

He won't stay remotely like this I promise. You will find it easier to recover when he eats 3 meals a day, sleeps all night and suddenly becomes a little person making you laugh out loud and his little face lights up when you walk into the room.

All the best and don't beat yourself up about how you feel, You can't control it as much as you'd like to. x

PS - Dreading giving up BF as I remember I did feel a bit worse for a bit after.

natsyloo where in the UK are you? I've just written a thread like this! I feel exactily like you! Even just reading your thread has given me a sanse of comfort (I'm not alone!)

My DD just turned 5 months and I've never enjoyed motherhood either. Which anti-Ds are you on?

HelloKittyIsMyBitch although I suspect we're not the only two people in this boat it can feel like it can't it?! I'm in Cheshire by the way (pm'd you).

I try and be fairly open with friends and family but that gets hard after you've said the same thing a few times and you get the 'oh no you're not still feeling down?' face. Although it's good to confide in people I get this dreadful feeling of letting myself and everyone else down for not feeling better.

Does that sound silly?

What sneakapeak says resonates with me too - life with a small baby is gruelling. Life with a toddler is tough, but there are far more moments of humour, fun, affection etc to keep you going.

I suspect EVERY mother goes through a period of PND, just some have it worse than others. Not to downplay your situation at all. But I certainly felt like I was just "acting happy" for a long time.

Going back to work was amazing for me. After initial pangs of separation guilt, it helped me feel like I was clawing back my sense of self.

I feel far, far more 'bonded' with my son now at 18m than I did when he was still so small & relatively unresponsive. It sounds as though your DS is also colicky or whatever (some of them just seem to be screamers) so of course that makes it hard too.

The fact that you are able to function is the important thing. Your baby is not a mind reader. As long as you are meeting his needs, that's fine. Just keep cuddling, chatting, singing - one day, it will start getting easier. And I bet lots of the other mums at social events / classes etc looking all chilled and sorted with their calm babies are not all feeling that way on the inside.

As far as the "face" goes (I know that one from previous mental health ishoos myself!) - try and ignore it, galling though it is. TBH most people are intensely uncomfortable with talk of depression etc - if they are making the effort to discuss this with you then try and cut them some slack. But you certainly shouldn't feel like you are letting anyone down - or yourself. Hell, woman you are doing an incredibly difficult job in incredibly difficult circumstances. Yes, it would be much less awkward for them if you magically "recovered" tomorrow and nobody ever had to think about it again. But preventing them feeling awkward should be fairly far down on your list of priorities at the moment. Don't feel you have to put on a brave face to them all the time - you need their support. Your DS is the one who needs a brave face - if they make any snarky comments, perhaps you should point out that you are working really hard at being a good mum at the moment so you haven't got quite as much energy to put into being a "good" sister / daughter / friend / whatever.

The elf suit sounds adorable, make sure you take plenty of photos to show your DS when he is older!

Our local SureStart centre ran a PND group - it might be worth trying yours to see if that is a possibility. Lots of mothers look and sound like they are in control - but pretty much all of us struggle. And it is completely normal for your love for your child to develop slowly, slowly - not everyone bonds straight away.

You sound like you are managing pretty well to me - being very aware of your situation, taking steps to help yourself and nurturing your baby. Don't feel you need to do all the mum-and-baby groups if you aren't connecting with other mothers - a lot of the conversation is very dull. Just do whatever feels nicest and take each day as it comes.

I have had pnd and totally sympathise with you. i agree with an above poster who said all women go through pnd to a lesser or greater degree. its such a humungous monumental life change how can it not be difficult to adjust to??
i just want to say you sound like youre doing really well, your out there actively trying to improve your situation and i assure you you will get there.
i still get moments when i look at my 16month old dd and cant believe shes mine. she often feels like someone elses and that im just looking after her. i used to think that this meant i didnt love her, but i realise now that i did, i always did, it was just the illness of depression making me feel like i didnt. so now wnen i cant believe shes mine i smile to myself and move on -its no longer an uncomfortable thought.

you are not alone, you are completely and utterly normal, and it will get easier xx

Thanks for all the lovely posts - most reassuring.

Greeninkmama - I've looked into it and there is no PND group in my area...so it's time to do some trailblazing and set one up. My HV has backed it and I've got the managers at the children's centres to agree so just need to encourage mums to come forward (proving harder than I thought). I really don't want people to think it's going to be a circle of miserable mums awkwardly telling their 'story'.

It would be far nicer to treat mums to tasters of relaxing things like massage/reiki etc and give them a bit of a break from the treadmill IYSWIM.

Thanks again.

Hey there, just wanted to say how lovely I think it is that you are trying to set a group up to help others in same situation. That is a really nice thing to do.

I hope you get better soon. Relentless crying can be incredibly draining and upsetting whether you have PND or not, and my sympathies are with you.

I am, apparently, rollercoaster girl. Had a fairly good day yesterday seeing friends and feeling more positive, but today I've felt pretty poop :(

I normally feel better when I go out but it's not feasible to be out all the time so when I'm home alone I just constantly ruminate.

Weirdly, being able to function and socialise makes me feel that perhaps I'm not ill at all but the only thing wrong with me is I don't feel right about my son and I've made a mistake. This terrifies me as it makes me think there's no end to this feeling and it makes me think I'm just a not very nice person. I'm not saying that simply to get sympathy or reassurance - it's just an admission of my worst fear. It's compounded by the fact that the ADs haven't really changed my mindset and makes me think it's just my fault for having negative thoughts about my DS.

Not sure exactly why I'm sharing this but I guess it makes me feel better to let it out.

I'm going back to the GP on Thurs to talk about alternative ADs and whether I can look into other options for CBT.

Sorry to unload, just having a bit of a blue afternoon. Off to run a hot bath now as DS has taken the little one out so will try and chill and give my mind a break.

Sorry, meant DH has taken the little one out. That would be a social services issue if I was letting my 17 week old out alone!!

I think lots of people don't feel 'right' about their dcs straight away and I bet some of them are nice people! They just don't admit it very often.

It might help you to admit some of these worst fears about yourself as a parent to someone properly trained to help you through them. I've found it really so good to talk to someone neutral who isn't involved in my life long term.

Good luck with the GP. ADs aren't the answer for everyone.

Thanks Albrecht - even though it's clearly a very uncomfortable thought it does feel better to be candid about my fears. I am definitely going to pursue therapy (regardless of pennies) as I think it would help.

natsyloo, amazing that you are thinking of setting a group up. And also brilliant that you are going to get counselling or some sort of talking therapy. It's just good to have a space where you can be honest about your feelings.

Do you think you might just be struggling with the (massive) change in your circumstance?. If you are used to working, it is hard to be at home all day, especially if your DP is out at work?

It does take time - sometimes ages - to connect properly with people. Sounds to me like you are a completely normal new mum who is struggling a bit but will definitely - but definitely - come out the other side. xxxxxxxxxx

Natsyloo, I feel that I am just coming out of PND and my DC3 is 10 months.

I didn't go down the anti-depressant route but did have CBT. I think the main things that have helped me get through it is being able to talk completely openly with my DH and also the simple fact of my DC3 growing up and leaving the little baby stage.

4 months is very hard, I'm not a big fan of the tiny baby stage, and haven't been with any of my 3 DC. It starts getting better for me at about 6 or 7 months and keeps getting better.

Don't feel bad about your feelings for your DS, they are perfectly normal and shared by countless mothers, some mums don't 'fall in love' at first sight, it takes time to grow. This is absolutely fine. So are doubts and feelings of 'what the hell have I done' - normal normal normal! Also, don't feel bad that you can function 'normally' when with other people. This is very typical of PND. Also, it is standard for PND to come and go, so you may feel ok for a day and then dreadful the next.

Sending hugs, PND is miserable, but keep seeking help and being honest with yourself and your DH and you will get there.

I had terrible PND and didn't love DS until he was one. It was the worst time of my life - and like you, I've always been babymad before. I adore him now and love being a mum. It does get better.

Sleep is key IME. Severe sleep deprivation was a big part of my problem. If you can set things up so you get at least 2 clear nights a week that might really, really improve your mood as well.

thanks everyone for the lovely posts. i think the being at home thing is a difficult one for me as i really enjoy my job and find the four walls pretty dull - hence the classes and groups.

ds wore his elf suit to the festive music class today- felt like a pushy mum but was also secretly a bit gleeful :)

In the depth of my pnd (this time last year) i hated being in the house, caused me great anxiety as i felt as though it exacerbated my entrapment and lonliness. i used to trudge around from group to group, exhausted, but being around other people i could also pretend and push my thoughts and feelings aside.
cbt really REALLY helps, perhaps look into private sessions as health is priceless hey. good luck natsyloo you'll get through it. let us know how youre going x

Re. stopping breastfeeding - it can cause you to feel low for a while - while the hormones settle.

Natsyloo - you are out and about and everyone probably thinks you are absolutely brilliant. That's what they thought about me and I thought about them. What you are doing right now is really really hard. In a few years when everyone else is feeling more confident too they will all admit to exactly how bad it was and how they pretended it wasn't.

Mine are much older now (11 and 15). They can't remember that I was rubbish at breastfeeding and wept for the first months of ds's life. The bit you are doing now is a very small part of being a parent and the good bit is, it's the bit they don't remember either. They will remember a lovely mummy who wiped grazed knees, cooked their favourite dinners, read books and gave hugs and kisses.

I don't know why but I automatically adored ds. It took me a long time to feel that way about dd but it feels very unreal now.

You sound pretty normal to me. Make sure you get lots of support and lots of rest and try to remember what you can see of other mothers is what they are chosing you to see from the outside.