Feeling depressed about DS's behaviour - someone give me some strategies!

[Gargula]

My DS is 3 years old and a very boisterous boy. I have some problems with his behaviour in that he will often push other children - often he is pushing to "get past them" but the effect is the same. This happens at groups, preschool and ... softplay!
My main methods of coping with this is a 1,2,3 with a consequence, generally that he has to sit with me, or sit in his pushchair for a few minutes to calm down - but I think I need something stronger as this is not working.
Today, at softplay, he was "following" a mother and her son around - he often wants to play with other kids but wont recognise when they don't want to play - and pushed the boy over (who was littler than him).
The mother was very upset and had a bit of a go. I think she overreacted personally - she had my son in hysterical tears but i do recognise that perhaps I need to rein in his behaviour more.
So, what do I do? Please don't say that this is a phase as it's been going on since he was 18 months old - so a long phase!!

You need to be with him all the time and not give him chance to push any one over,

I've rather selfishly been letting him go off on his own since I've had DD (7 months) as I can't hoik her around too!
Perhaps I should keep him at arms length until this "phase" passes (in about another 3 years!!!)

My dd went through I horrible time when she would attack other children and pull their hair, hit them, etc. It was horrendous so I feel your pain! With her, she was a bit younger but can't see why it wouldn't be the same, I stuck with her like glue (a pain but does ease the stress of worry to some degree). If I had to stop her/tell her to stop something 3 times then we left wherever it was we were. For a few weeks we stayed very close to home and didn't pay to go anywhere as I knew we would be leaving! I was once at a friends for less then 5 minutes . Slowly we managed to stay places longer and actually go out other then a friends house :) Hope this helps or gives you some ideas.

The 1, 2 3 method will work if you keep doing it - it will be a phase and he will soon understand that the behaviour is unacceptable. Our 4 y o DS is a bit physical in his play - best thing was to find play dates with other physical kids who had chilled mums - we have a little group of us now, and we are all so relieved to have found each other :)

can you do 123 then just take him home? Don't make a fuss of it but quietly leave the situation so he looses out.

Once at soft play this 3 year old came over to my small 1.8 year old, pushed him on to the floor then stood on him with all his weight. I calmly told his mum what had happened and i think she was upset and took her boy home. I had to say something as children need to learn not to hurt others.

These are my thoughts on your post.

I would guess that your DS is unsure of himself and does not know how to elicit the reaction he wants, and perhaps addtionally unable to fully empathise with the people he is pushing. As well as a consequence he needs help to understand the feelings of those he is being too forceful with.

The pushing to get past is slightly different to the pushing because he did not get the response he wanted, so you need to take a two pronged approach to teaching him.

Firstly, you need to get a dialogue going with him from time to time about feelings. When he has succesful play occasions, talk about them in appropriate language for him to understand. Don't give commentary, ask for his perceptions. Talk about things he sees and hears around him, nice behaviour of others and poor behaviour and reflect together without criticising others.

Play with him in ways where control of the game or play swaps around - so go into his playhouse and have him make tea for you and then swap roles. Ask him to play in ways that he can learn to approach others to play, don't wait for him to come to you and ask as he will not learn by example if he has to instigate play with you.

Does he play with a range of age groups? How does he see adults at home resolve conflict?

I think you need to think of the emotions behind this as well as the behaviours that are displayed as a result of how he feels about his place in his world.

He doesn't sound so unusual and it sounds like you are doing the right thing to teach him about unacceptable behaviour.
Even though it's hard with a baby, try to keep a close eye on him. Pick softplay that is parent accessible as poss so you can act immediately. He will prob also respond positively to you being with him.
Also go OTT with praise when he is being gentle/ waiting & not pushing and try and catch him doing it so you can praise him even if he does it for a few seconds, praise him before he resorts to pushing and he might decide not to push.