How grown-up/babyish is your 9 year old dd?

[Dancergirl]

Dd1 is going through a hard time at the moment and seems quite down. She feels babyish compared to her friends because, for example, she still quite likes cbeebies and doesn't have a clue when it comes to pop music/celebrities.

I'm worried because when I was growing up, I didn't know about/like popular culture and was a bit of an outsider. Probably not as young as this but certainly during early teens. It's horrible to be on the outside and I don't want that to happen to dd. The thing is, dh and I don't listen to much pop music ourselves, we don't watch X Factor (we all watch Strictly though!) and I'm worried that dd is missing out because of us. I have asked her loads of times (and dd2 who's nearly 8) if they want to watch X Factor but they're just not interested. They hate HSM/Hannanh Montana too.

Dd seems so unhappy at the moment. Her best friend since reception seems to be breaking away from her and some of the other girls in the class have been a bit bitchy. For example, one of the girls has been saying lately that dd has nits. Dd did have nits but over a year ago and she certainly doesn't have them now. This girl was behind dd in the lunch line the other day and made another girl go in front of her so she didn't have to stand next to dd

I don't know what to do to help her fit in a bit more. Her class teacher is an excellent teacher but young and probably a bit inexperienced when it comes to pastoral matters.

I do think it's important not to grow up too fast and to relish childhood but I'm wondering if dd is like this because subconsiously she's picking up messages from me. But I encourage her to take the lead and I don't hold her back if she wants to do something. I suggested to her yesterday that maybe we start listening to the radio a bit more or get a Lady Gaga CD or something.

Does anyone have any advice?

Gosh - sounds like me at 9 :(

My DD is 9 next month and she's going through a bit of a change. She's getting clothes (Justin Beiber tops) and CDs and things like that for Christmas, but still wants maybe some Sylvanian families or Playmobil :D

It's just a really hard age for them. My DD got a ribbing at school last year for still playing with Barbies. It's so sad, but I bet most of the kids taking the piddle still play with toys at home.

How about getting a CD - something like Pop Party8 which will have all the teeny bop hits of the last year on, then at least your DD could join in with the music conversations. Even if it's just to say she likes/doesn't like a song or artist.

Sorry, I don't really have any advice, but I'd rather my DD was like yours than some of the overly streetwise kids I've seen.

It's so hard isn't it. I'd say not being into pop music and Xfactor is probably not the thing causing her friendship problems. Sadly girls this age can just be really nasty. My DD (10) is suffering the same kind of exclusion and it's nothing to do with popular culture - she's very much into all the latest things.

Thank your lucky stars she doesn't like Hannah Montana though. Mine love all that crappy American TV and it's grim.

It sounds to me like you are open to her being who she wants to be, rather than holding her back. It sounds like you have given her the opportunity to get more into pop etc if she wants to. So it's up to her if she wants to take you up on it.

I would advise talking to the teacher about things, even if you don't have much faith in her. It's worth a try, just getting her on side to see if she can spot whats happening at school and to look out for your DD a bit more.

I think it's just a difficult age. My 10 year old DD's are quite into all the music etc, but still sometimes have a hard time at school. It's just girls at this age. I've chatted with a few teachers about this subject and they all say that 9-10 year old girls are the worst to teach! They are going through a lot of changes, hormones are kicking in etc and I think they're just confused a lot of the time.

Incidentally, mine have both asked for mobile phones for Christmas, together with clothes, CD's etc, but also want a zhu zhu pet!

DD1 is nine, and pointed out recently that we don't listen to enough pop music and she didn't know the stuff her mates were listening to - and like you, that rang bells for me. It's easily rectified with a digital radio - don't worry, get her one and get her listening and she'll catch up.

But I disagree abot the age, actually. DD1 is lovely. Her mates are nice. They all seem delightful.

My DD is very into X-Factor and pop music.
I like X-Factor so that has come from me, but not so bothered about the latest music, I have to ask her who sings what!

She flits between acting like a teen, and being quite young. She still plays with Littlest Pet Shop and will be getting more bits for Christmas. She's very into drawing and crafty stuff too-sticking and glueing.
She wants a spirograph which I had a a child.

She is going through puberty and I can see she finds it hard herself at times, as do I.

I try to be understanding, not so easy when she's in a strop, and try to indulge her to a degree as my Mum never did with me.

Actually I think X-Factor helps in a way as it's common ground and something we both enjoy.

I can't offer any words of advice at all, but am watching with interest as my DD is nearly 10 and is rather unsophisticated compared to many of her friends.

She has no urge to buy a mobile phone, join Facebook or talk about boys endlessly. She's more interested in Playmobil than pop music and her gift for this Christmas is the Playmobil school, 2 rabbits and a hutch!

I know at some point she'll start to fit in with her friends less well, but for now she uses her humour and easy going nature to keep her friends attached. How long she can keep that going for, I don't know.

I feel for you as friendship issues are always difficult and it's so hard to see your kids suffer. I hope you manage to find some strategy that will work for you...and I'll keep an eye on this thread, if you don't mind, to see if I can nick it too for when the time comes.

I am a teacher and it is well known that Year 5 girls can have a difficut time... Not sure what it is but there are always major falling out and friendship problems...
to sort out amongst the girls.

My DD is also 9 and she is into some pop music - JLS - we bought her a CD player and she got the album. Plus Pop Party 8 was good too.

She has asked for Sylvanian Families and Playmobil this year for xmas though...

My 10 and 9yo dds are noticing a gap between their interests and those of many of their friends and classmates. Mine are not into pop music or clothes or make up or hair, or X factor or HSM. 10yo will play a lot with Sylvanian stuff still, both do a lot of art and craft and play board games (and computer games but not as often as most of their friends). 10yo has a lot of male friends, she's a bit more in tune with the boys, they skateboard and make dens. 9yo - who is more mature than 10yo in many ways - is frustrated that her friends are not interested in "playing" any more. Mine have no urge to have mobile phones (I've offered those). And we offer to buy them pop music but they are unsure what sort they would like.

So I agree it seems to be an age when their interests may start diverging.

There's nothing bitchy about my dds or their friends that I can see though, they are really quite charming a lot of the time, I love this age group.

9yo DD doesn't take after me. I was one of the least popular & trendy kids ever -- much to my despair. From a young age, My parents harangued me to be more social, they actually nagged me to get a boyfriend after I turned 16.

9yo DD is totally different (my parents would have been proud, sigh).... She's into all the fashion/culture/pop, she wears make up (I don't), wants her ears pierced, takes a lot of time over her hair (my mother got mine cut short when I was 9yo, she had given up on me ever paying attention to it). Although DD finds Strictly boring and has always hated HSM, but she knows the lyrics to the popular pop songs, etc.

And some of her social life is bitchy, quite takes me aback at times.

lljkk, I am at your parents re: the boyfriend!

I have a pretty unsophisticated dd (just turned 10, year 5) but she seems entirely happy in her own skin. She'll watch Strictly, but will have a row of Sylvanians, wearing miniature berets she has made for them, watching alongside. She doesn't seem to feel out of step with her classmates or ballet-mates, even when (in particular) the latter are covered in mascara & glitter for a performance - dd herself said to me quite frankly & happily "I had to have make-up, but I asked if they could please make it minimal ". I think dd's secret, if she has one, is that she knows what she likes, and she likes whatever it is for her own independent reasons - so there is no question of her doubting the Sylvanians, because making infinitesimal clothing is such an absolute pleasure for her. She would do it on a desert island.

Also, also, she has an extreme of non-conforming (but very affectionate and supportive) older brother, so there is no experience of peer pressure at home either.

Bink, this week my 10 and 9yos have been engrossed in making miniature people and costumes for a Dickens-themed Victorian workhouse. They're doing Victorians at school, and dd2 is upset that her friends didn't want to do this with her.

Half of me is charmed by their activity, but part of me worries that I should be buying them Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber so they don't become too different from their peers.

Sadly I think it is common in girls of this sort of age. dd is pretty unsophisticated in her outlook and way she chooses to dress. Not really into music, films or even Hannah Montana yet. Still plays with Sylvanians, Playmobil and dolls/cuddlies given the choice. She was only 9 at end August and some of her class have already turned 10 and "act" much older, excluding her. Reassuring to know she is not alone.

I have no advice but selfishly am also reassured as I have a nearly 9 year old who sounds very similar to your daughter.
Completely clueless regarding pop music and 'slebs' did once ask me if she could watch Big Brother and what Eastenders was as her friends watch them.
I just gave her 'the look' however and it hasn't been mentioned since.
I'm so sorry your daughter is unhappy though, my dd is completely oblivious and happy in her own litle world.

Well you could Fennel, it wouldn't hurt I suppose - any more than the pair of really very interesting original and nice siblings in our road when I was young were damaged by their parents requiring them to watch TOTP every week. It didn't make them any less original though, or perceived as original, or indeed any less admired by those of their peers able to appreciate them!

It's perhaps one of those stages where the keys are (a) confidence and (b) patience - in that once year 7 comes along most of these girls will be in much bigger schools with much more scope for individuality - the small pond of primary school seems to me to foster (sometimes) this narrow mode of "only this one way of being popular is acceptable". Dd's school has always been pretty good (quite open and directive) about everyone-playing-with-everyone and discouraging cliques, so we don't have the same problems as I hear about.

(I do appreciate the confidence thing is easy for me to say because dd is basically sure of herself - whether that's just her, or whether it's the effect of a big brother who thinks she's where the sun rises & sets, I don't know.)

Bring your girls to make dioramas with mine! - and MI's too. They'll have a fabulous time.

Dd is 8 and in Y4, so the year they turn 9y.

Pretty much all her friends are still into their toys - barbie, Sylvanian Families, Zhu Zhu hamsters, etc. And they still play with them when they are at each others houses too. They also all like role play games such as playing school, cafes, doctors, etc. and they can come up with really intense games.

DD and her friends love acting out plays, sometime pre written ones (Julia Donaldson does a good book) or writing their own. they like to wtrtie their own songs too. A much of show offs, lol!

DD does love music and her iPod is full, but it is a mix of pop and then thinsg like hannah Montana/HSM. The music thing varies a lo with her friends. A lot are still not into pop or modern music at all. DD is probably into her pop more than most of her friends and she loves to sing along and make up dance routines. DD does watch some X Factor, but only when passing. Again - very mixed for her friends though. None follow it religiously.

DD is at a pretty sheltered girls school, not sure if that makes a difference to this kind of thing. None of them are very street wise IYSWIM.

They are starting to look so grown up these days though.

DD still loves cuddles, still calls us mummy and daddy and still wants to be with us a lot too.

DD age 9, loves the BBC magazine - girl talk - it is aimed at pre-teens and isn't too cringe-making.

I found this has helped bridge the gap between the "trendy" girls who know all the latest fashion/pop bands, and those like DD who are still very happy playing with the Barbie dolls.

Sorry, meant to add a link here

Vive la difference I say!

I haven't got much experience of girls this age, as my eldest is a boy and he is 8 and a half. I know for a fact that the girls in his class are much more "sophisticated" than boys and can be quite cliquey. In fact, I also know that 2 girls in his class, who are less interested in pop and fashion etc, are having a difficult time fitting in (and prefer the company of boys).
Ds isn't much into pop culture (mostly because we don't watch much tv, as tv is crap here in Italy and I'd rather my 8 yr old were totally unaware of the existence of BB and the likes) and the other day asked me what Mama mia is.

It's bizarre, because I've always enjoyed pop culture etc, but in the last years it's got so downhill here, that I prefer being a snob and don't switch on the telly.

I think your daughters sound wonderful.

Even though she is all into JLS and Lady Gaga DD seems to spend most her break times playing puppies and Babies still (DD likes to be the Baby). One of her 8yo Yr4 peers is acting out Coronation St. and similar Plots at break time () but DD says none of her friends do that (thankfully!)

Maybe I am just worrying too much on this one, in fact all my 3 dds are happy at school and all have several close friends. But any hint of this sort of peer group difference, like dd2 feeling this week that her friends are different on this, brings back memories of my own TOTP-less childhood, with radio 4 the only possible channel.

DP tries to keep them updated with pop music, he plays them Queen and Abba and Pink Floyd .

OP... I wondered if you were writing about my 9yo DD and me! I've never really been into the latest music etc and wondered if I ought to make a bit more of an effort for DD benefit. Luckily my exH, who is 41, still thinks he is down with the kids and is always loading top 40 music onto her ipod (which he bought her!).
My DD is quite upset at the moment as her best friend since reception has been playing games with her over the last 6 months. She will let my DD join in one day and not the next etc etc. Her exBF (who was in my class last year!) has got together with a group of girls who are into their hair, bags, makeup ... their chief hobby seems to be making bitchy comments about other people! Last year I remember one girl sitting down at her table in class and announcing "right... lets vote for who we don't like". Grrrrrrr while I might not get away with using the word "bitchy" to a child, I could certainly describe it as "catty"!!!
As I work at school and it's so heart breaking when you can see it goin on. If one of the girls seems to be getting a bit out of hand and terrorising the others, I do use the ...."lets have a chat with your mum" strategy.. They may be old enough to be vile to each other but usually they are still horrified if they think their mum is likely to find out!!

dd just turned 10 and she wouldn't know a popstar if she fell over one, has no interest at all in Hannah Montana or boy-girl romantic issues. She was with me at a firend's house last week and the ds there (11) asked her if she liked that football song by Shakira. She didn't have a clue but he played it and she told me afterwards it was really bad but they didn't seem to have any problems sorting things out. He is much more street-wise and orientated towards pop culture but I haven't noticed it keeping them apart at all.

She likes playmobil and lego and sport. She is not and never has been a girly type though so maybe she can stay a child a bit longer IYSWIM. I really haven't noticed that the girls from school are moving into teenage type stuff yet, they all seem like little kids to me still. Could be that she is not in the more girly crowd and they are perhaps leaving childhood behind them a bit faster

I wonder if it is fair to generalise here - most of dd's more sophisticated/worldly classmates have older siblings who influence them quite a bit regarding popular culture and general behaviour. It is these classmates who tend to have more attitude, be more interested in/familiar with video and computer games, tend to have seen films I would consider borderline unsuitable, already have their own phones (usually a hand-me-down from an older sibling), etc.

In fact, one girl who seems intent on growing up extra-fast, dressed up as a Goth for Halloween. My dd had to ask what a Goth is...

Note to OP: DD has slowly gravitated away from the girls who are growing up fast, and I think it is common for friendships to ebb and flow at this age. But, it must be quite confusing and painful for your dd's best friend to abandon her.

Can you help encourage friendships with girls more on your dd's wavelength by arranging some out of school activities?

Thanks for all your replies - it's good to know my dd is not alone!

I think she's terribly hurt by her best friend's apparent abandonment - more than she's admitting to me. I'm encouraging her to invite some of the other girls in the class home after school which is helping a bit. She does ballet and is very good at it which helps her confidence, and she has some nice friends at the ballet school. Goes to brownies too which she loves.

Think I might get the Pop Party 8 CD - I told dd we can educate ourselves together which amused her!

Lol how popular Sylvanian Families are - this is exactly what dd wants this year!