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Original poster

Advice without Judgeing please!!!

52 replies

bonkerz · 18/09/2005 21:20

OK heres the story.

Ds is a result of a relationship with a man who has not been part of our lives for a number of years and to cut a long story short had an affair with my best friend and made me and DS homeless when DS was 10 weeks old and when DS was 15 months old his sperm donor told me and a mediator he never wanted to see DS again!

Story so far is i am married now and DH has got parental responsibility and residentila order for DS and has been DS daddy for 3 years. DS remembers nothing about his early years and has just accepted DH is his daddy.

My dilemma is this... I have always kept pictures of his SD (sperm Donor) in his baby photo albums and DS has never asked who he is etc. I am now 25 weeks pregnant and tonight DS asked to see pictures of him as a baby (he is 5). I said i will find them for tomorrow. Anyway Dh and I have just found the albums and are unsure what to do about the pics of SD. I dont want to get rid of them as i feel i would be denying DS something he is entitled to BUT DH has said that he isnt ready(and nor am I) to answer any questions about the SD as we are not prepared to lie to DS and say all the usual stuff about him having another man who is his daddy etc and how much he is loved etc because that would be lieing to him and also i dont want to say that he has another daddy who wants nothing to do with him! DS is 5 and i dont want to confuse or upset him. Is it reasonable that i remove the said pictures to avoid the awkward questions?

OP posts:
misdee · 18/09/2005 21:22

very awkward. could you keep the photos im a sep[erate album to show him when he is older?

rickman · 18/09/2005 21:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bonkerz · 18/09/2005 21:23

yes, i dont intend to throw the photos away as i have always said im not gonna hide the truth from my son BUT i think he is still too young to fully understand what happened.

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kcemum · 18/09/2005 21:23

Agree, remove and save till he is older

hunkermunker · 18/09/2005 21:23

I think so, yes.

He's not really old enough to question you yet, you need time to think about it - but don't put off thinking about it because he soon will be old enough to ask questions and you need to work out what your answers will be. Someone far wiser than me will help you with that!

spursmum · 18/09/2005 21:24

I would remove the pictures until he starts asking about his SD as you call it.(i may use that phrase if you don't mind!!)
I still have photos of my sons SD for if and when he asks about him.

Toothache · 18/09/2005 21:24

What a dilemma! FWIW I don't think anyone has anything to be judgemental about here.

I agree that you should just remove them and explain when he's a bit older and you are all able to deal with it better.

LadyTophamHatt · 18/09/2005 21:24

If I was in your position I think I'd remove the photos.

IMO 5 is too young to handle such a big deal.

I wouldn't put off teling him for years and years but wouldn't do it now.

misdee · 18/09/2005 21:25

spursmum your ds SD needs a kcik in the balls. sorry.

(and sorry for hi-jack)

i think at 5, he is still too young to understand. save the pics til he is older and when you think he can understand it better.

cod · 18/09/2005 21:26

Message withdrawn

muppet73 · 18/09/2005 21:27

I think too that you should save photos for another time - I guess with a new brother or sister on the way that is enough to deal with for now.

lynny70 · 18/09/2005 21:28

Message deleted

SenoraPostrophe · 18/09/2005 21:29

I think it may be better to tell him now, because if you leave it much longer it will become bigger and more important than it really is - for you and for him. do you really think you will be more ready to answer questions about him when your ds is older?

can you focus on how your dh is a special daddy because he chose to be his daddy rather than on his biological father, iyswim. i don't think you have to say that he "wants nothing to do with him" - adoptive parents don't say that - you could just say that he's gone away and you don't know where he is.

spursmum · 18/09/2005 21:29

He'll get more than that if I ever get my hands on him again Misdee.

Original poster
bonkerz · 18/09/2005 21:31

Thankyou, i really thought id get people telling me i cant deny my son truth etc. Sorry just get scared when posting sometimes!

Until now it hasnt been an issue cos even when DS looks through his albums he never asks about people and im sure he will ask why daddy isnt in the pictures although he is aware that mummy and him lived in Devon without daddy. Dh has said that he would be too hurt at the moment if DS asked about SD! It has taken DH and DS a long time to build the bond they have and i feel its important to keep building that bond especially as the baby is on the way!¬

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 18/09/2005 21:33

You're not denying him the truth - you're putting it off a bit

weesaidie · 18/09/2005 21:33

I agree with all here. Take them out, it is probably better to discuss it with him when he is older.

I remember when I broke up with my dds dad when pregnant and I didn't know if he would have contact. I put a photo of him away to show her when she was older.

Blu · 18/09/2005 21:36

Yes, leave for just now, BUT I think you could introduce the idea that DH is not his bio dad in a faily low-key way quite soon - much better for him to assimilate it as one of those facts of life, than doiscover it as a shock and surprise when he is older.

""well I made you with someone else, but Daddy is your daddy, that happens sometimes. Isn't it lovely that we met daddy to be a family with us...".

Then he won't start to ask about his bio-parent until he's ready - if he finds out as a surprise at the age when he is likely to react to being abandoned, it could be quite a big deal.

Original poster
bonkerz · 18/09/2005 21:36

SenoraPostrophe: Thanks for your comments BUT ive always said that i wouldnt lie to DS. I couldnt say i dont know where he is as i do! I do intend to use the special daddy line but also i dont want to have to explain to DS about why his SD doesnt see him! I wont tell ds that his sd doesnt love him etc but i cant say his sd loves him either! i am in a difficult situation adn i do believe that if DS was older id be able to explain more about the circumstaces than i would now! If i told DS now it would be a watered down version of the truth adn would end up in me lieing.

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 18/09/2005 21:37

Message withdrawn

SenoraPostrophe · 18/09/2005 21:38

I know!

I just wonder if it wouldn't be EASIER to tell him now, that's all - so it just becomes something in the background rather than a big secret that all comes out over tea one day.

Aimsmum · 18/09/2005 21:39

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker · 18/09/2005 21:43

Bonkerz, is there any chance that DS has overheard something about SD and wants to raise the subject with you himself through looking at the pics? Or is that mad?

Original poster
bonkerz · 18/09/2005 21:56

No, we dont talk about him at all. SD mum still rings but DS has never asked who granny is so ive never told him.
I suppose i am scared to approach the subject because unless i can tell DS the truth i dont see the point. Also i dont want to jeopardise the bond that DS and DH have. Its taken 3 years to reach the point we are at and i feel its already hard for DS with the new baby coming! Am off to bed now so will catch up in morning
Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 18/09/2005 22:14

I agree with senora and blu and aimsmum. This is a big deal for you and dh, understandably. But it needn't be for ds really, if you introduce the subject in a light way fairly soon. Answering a "Who's that?" question with and "Oh that's your biological daddy, granny's son. We don't see him any more. Luckily we met daddy and he became the daddy for our family." might be a lot easier and less intense all round than a big sit down and tell him all about it session later on. Understand that right this moment doesn't sound like great timing but I definitely wouldn't put it off for too long. And is there anyone dh could talk to about this? Sounds like he is, again understandably, quite anxious about his relationship with ds changing once ds knows the truth.