Advice without Judgeing please!!!

[bonkerz]

OK heres the story.

Ds is a result of a relationship with a man who has not been part of our lives for a number of years and to cut a long story short had an affair with my best friend and made me and DS homeless when DS was 10 weeks old and when DS was 15 months old his sperm donor told me and a mediator he never wanted to see DS again!

Story so far is i am married now and DH has got parental responsibility and residentila order for DS and has been DS daddy for 3 years. DS remembers nothing about his early years and has just accepted DH is his daddy.

My dilemma is this... I have always kept pictures of his SD (sperm Donor) in his baby photo albums and DS has never asked who he is etc. I am now 25 weeks pregnant and tonight DS asked to see pictures of him as a baby (he is 5). I said i will find them for tomorrow. Anyway Dh and I have just found the albums and are unsure what to do about the pics of SD. I dont want to get rid of them as i feel i would be denying DS something he is entitled to BUT DH has said that he isnt ready(and nor am I) to answer any questions about the SD as we are not prepared to lie to DS and say all the usual stuff about him having another man who is his daddy etc and how much he is loved etc because that would be lieing to him and also i dont want to say that he has another daddy who wants nothing to do with him! DS is 5 and i dont want to confuse or upset him. Is it reasonable that i remove the said pictures to avoid the awkward questions?

Bonkerz I was adopted at 6 weeks old, and so am not really sure when you should speak to DS but IMHO I would do it sooner rather than later, could you leave the photos in there and say that

Oh that is John {or whatever SD name is} he was one of Mummy's friends, without having to go into the whys and wherefores of the details.

When DS met my birthmother{his grandmother}, he was about 4 and I told him she was one of my friends {it was about 2 hours after I had met her for the first time}
DS met my birthdad {his biological grandfather} when he was 6 and I just said that he was one of my friends. This was also about 2 hours after me meeting him for 1st time.

Anyway my point is that he just accepted that they were friends of mine I explained it to him several months later that I was adopted it hasn't changed his relationship with my real mum and dad {who adopted me}

I realise that this is different but IMHO do whatever makes you and DH happiest and the most comfortable

Hope it goes well

I was in a similar situation, except that my mum and (adopted) dad didn't get married until I was 4, so I knew that he hadn't always been around. Never had any input from natural father. My dad adopted me when I was 5. My mum told me when I was in my late teens that she had kept photos and things of the "natural father" in case I had ever asked any questions. I never have. My dad is my dad, and there is no need for anyone alse. I feel no resentment towards this other man. I suppose I wondered a bit about him when my own children were born, but not enough to ask to see photos or anything like that. I think always knowing and never having a bombshell dropped has been the key for me. No-one has ever kept anything from me, I don't feel the whole "part of me is missing" thing that you often read about, or that I am part of some big secret. Children are amazingly accepting - they don't have all the hang ups we learn as we get older! I love my parents and they love me. We are a family. I really hope it works out for your family too.