Advice without Judgeing please!!!

[bonkerz]

OK heres the story.

Ds is a result of a relationship with a man who has not been part of our lives for a number of years and to cut a long story short had an affair with my best friend and made me and DS homeless when DS was 10 weeks old and when DS was 15 months old his sperm donor told me and a mediator he never wanted to see DS again!

Story so far is i am married now and DH has got parental responsibility and residentila order for DS and has been DS daddy for 3 years. DS remembers nothing about his early years and has just accepted DH is his daddy.

My dilemma is this... I have always kept pictures of his SD (sperm Donor) in his baby photo albums and DS has never asked who he is etc. I am now 25 weeks pregnant and tonight DS asked to see pictures of him as a baby (he is 5). I said i will find them for tomorrow. Anyway Dh and I have just found the albums and are unsure what to do about the pics of SD. I dont want to get rid of them as i feel i would be denying DS something he is entitled to BUT DH has said that he isnt ready(and nor am I) to answer any questions about the SD as we are not prepared to lie to DS and say all the usual stuff about him having another man who is his daddy etc and how much he is loved etc because that would be lieing to him and also i dont want to say that he has another daddy who wants nothing to do with him! DS is 5 and i dont want to confuse or upset him. Is it reasonable that i remove the said pictures to avoid the awkward questions?

Agree with ScummyMummy et al. Not so much because your ds "deserves" the truth, but because I was watching a programme the other day about paternity tests (this was mostly with adults/young people) and a psychotherapy type person said that younger children accept this type of thing much better, and with less trauma, than older kids, who may find it a bigger challenge (maybe because of the whole identity thing that older children start to do). Certainly adopted children are now told pretty much from the offset now. Also if you have always had those pictures there your ds might think it a bit strange that you remove them. But you need to decide on a line that both you and your dh are happy with - I wouldn't have thought for a 5 year old you would need to give that much detail (after all he will probably be more interested in the growing in your tummy aspect of things). It may be better to have the conversation now before your new baby is born, as that will really change his life, and may make it very hard to bring it up (aren't most little kids at least a bit jealous of new babies?). I wonder if there are any helplines etc out there that might help you with this (I'm sure adoptive parents will be given advice on how to talk about birth parents). Good luck with whatever you decide.

No idea on how you would tell him, but I always thought it was supposed to be better (psychologically) to tell children the truth from when they are very young, so that there is no Big Announcement when they're older and more likely to be "upset" about it.

Why do you fear that telling your DS would jeapordise (how the hell do you spell that) your DH's and his bonding? If it's done right, it might even make their bond stronger. But I agree that it might be an idea to talk to an expert about how to approach this. And also, perhaps about your how your DH can manage his feelings - because tbh it sounds like he's the one who is struggling with the idea of telling your DS about his biological father.

IMO you should tell your DS asap. Quite how you you go about it though, Im not sure.

We adopted our DS's and they have known from day one that they didnt grow "inside Mums tummy". They know they have birth parents, whom they never see and us, their "forever parents".
We have loads of photographs of the BP's but I havent as yet shown either of the DS's them because we were advised by the social worker not to until the boys reached an age where they were asking lots of questions about their birth family. DS1 asks us questions sometimes and we answer them as honestly as possible....Ds2 has ASD so he wouldnt understand the concept of another mummy and daddy....he just knows "mums tummy doesnt make babies".

You could try contacting the local post adoption centre in your area and ask if they have a counsellor available that may be able to offer you some advice as to which would be the best way to tell your son about the SD. Im sure they would point you in he right direction.

From my own personal experience the earlier you tell the better....I was 21 before I found out that my Dad wasnt my real dad and it destroyed my relationship with my mother

Good luck in what ever you decide to do.

Agree that you should tell him sooner rather than later. I thought Blu's wording suggestion was really good. If you can make it really casual (and the photos seem like a good opportunity to do so) then all the better. I know must seem like a huge, daunting thing (it would to me) but I think if you handle it lightly and don't make a big deal out of it, then he will just accept it as a fact of life. My guess is that he'll just accept it at face value at this point, then come back at you with questions at a later (possibly much later) date.

Meant to say, that my gut feeling tells me that your DH's/DS's relationship will not suffer at all if you tell him now rather than later.

I think most advice is that you need to do it as early as possible- preferably so they don't remember the big talk. You don't need to do it in a heavy way- just the way Blue said. There are lots of story books that back up the idea in a gentle way. There's a brilliant one by mini iq called "our twitchy" (not exclusive so must be available elsewhere- although you can buy direct from ini iq online). It's about a rabbit who finds out he's being raised by cows so hops off to find his "real" parents. Anyway he learns that the cows are his real parents because they love him and look after him and that's what being a real parent is about etc. It's aimed at 3-5 year olds.

I agree that he should be told sooner rather than later but gradually. Introduce the idea of some people having 2 "fathers" (but only one Daddy if you see the disctinction). Don't make a big deal of it though which is what I feel might happen if you leave it to build up. Also, you run the risk of him feeling you've been hiding things from him.

Take the photos out for now though.

I think that I would introduce the idea now, in a very simple and sttaightforward way. I think if you leave it any longer you run the risk of making it into more of an issue than it actually is. I think you don't need to say anything much about why he doesn't see his dad, just that you don't see him anymore. I don't think you need to say whether he loves him or not, or anything like that. I am not sure from your posts whether he sees his granny, but maybe this is the time to re-establish that relationship if you think it might be helpful. I can't imagine that it could affect his relationship with the two of you, but I think also that you should take this opportunity to make this information "Part of the furniture" IYSWIM. Awkward questions tend to get mor awkward the more you delay them, I think.

Bonkerz, I think that Blu is spot on. I was thinking last night about how I would tell my dd if I was in your position, and I can appreciate just how hard this is for you, because if I was in your position, I would struggle with the rights and wrongs of it too. I think that now is probably a good time to start things off, in a very low-key way - it's probably better done now than after the baby comes, when he may feel a bit less settled anyway.

I know you don't feel that you and dh are ready to answer his questions, but I do think that your little boy deserves not to have to find this all out as a big shock when he's old enough for it to seem that you've been hiding things from him. If he's asked to see his baby photos then I think that I would let him see the albums with SD's pictures in them. Hard as it's going to be, it might be your best opportunity to mention it to him, almost in passing if you like. You don't have to lie to him about having two daddies or about SD loving him; Blu's lovely suggestion of wording sounds the ideal thing to say.

The fact that he has a step-sister may make it a little easier for him to understand that sometimes families aren't always straightforward and that sometimes mummies don't always stay with the fathers (or SDs) of their children.

Good luck with it, whatever you decide to do. It's not an easy decision to make, and I hope that you can come up with a way of doing this that all three of you are going to feel comfortable with.

xxxx

I too think you should tell him. ASAP. The longer you leave it the more likely it is to upset his little world. The book BLu suggests sounds excellent. I have a step father and if I had grown up thinking he was my real father and found out that he was not I dread to think what our relationship would be like now. From personal experience I remember when mum first met step dad, I was 6 and a half. I hated him for trying to be my 'real' father (even though I had seen very little of the horrid man) and remember feeling intensely jealous of my mum and her new man. By introducing the idea that your husband loves your son even though he is not his real father now IMO will help him become a more secure little boy at an age when everything is nice and simplistic. HTH, sorry this is such a tough time.

Thanks everyone for the advice. All the advice got DH and i talking again and TBH we have had to make a decision that we feel comfortable with at this moment in time.
We are going to remove alot of the pictures of SD but will leave one in, we feel that this will enable us to answer any questions on a basic level, ie who is that? he was the man who put you in mummys tummy etc. This should also make it easier if DS asks why daddy isnt in the pictures.
WWB: your words meant alot, thankyou, DS is very accepting of his step sister and undertsnads she has a mummy and a special mummy.
As you can imagine im an overemotional pregnant woman at the moment anyway and it scares me that one day i will have to be honest with my son about our past mainly because im scared DH and i will lose him or that he will be hurt when he realises his real father did so many horrid things to us.
DS hasnt seen his granny for over 3 years now and like i have said before he remembers nothing from our life in Devon and we now live in Leicester and have only been back once in 3 years and avoided letting DS see his granny due to the ill feeling between us. She does ring every few months but its more an interrogation than anything else and generally ends up with her saying nasty things about me. I do make an effort to write to her every few months too and include pictures of DS, i would love to cut contact but then it would feel like i was denying my son the truth in the future.

Anyway thanks again for all the advice and rest assured DH and I are not going to leave it too long to tell DS the truth and are going to try and find some professionals to give us some advice on how to deal with this situation. Thanks again.

I also agree with Blu etc. However, and this is only a suggestion, do you have to talk about SD as a daddy? Do you think saying something like "oh, he's the man who helped to make you". Maybe that way your DH will still be seen as "daddy", and might be less confusing, iyswim.

I have to say I have no experience, so I might be talking complete tosh. I just thought about my 5yo, and how i thought she would best understand this very tricky situation. Good luck!

I'd go with telling him sooner rather than later, but not making a big deal out of it. IF he asks (which he may not) who the man is, maybe explain that to make a baby a man and woman each give a little part of themselves and that he is the baby made by your and sd's parts. Sometimes the people who make babies aren't always the Mummies and Daddies, but he has a Mummy and a Daddy so he's very lucky.
If he asks if he can see sd (which I doubt he will at this age) then say that when he's older you can explain to him that he's not around, but if he is in the future then you would let them meet.
I don't know if any of this helps or if it's been said before, but I hope the situation sorts itself out with no awkward questions.

Gosh this is a difficult one. Sorry if I'm repeating things.

My gut instinct is to say leave out the SD pictures, but have just been reading the latest copy of Junior and there was a question, which is semi-relevant to your situation, from an adoptive parent about when to tell their child they were adopted. The psychologist said that there is no "best" time to tell the child.

"What you want to achieve is a situation where he grows up feeling he has always known. That way the adoption will soon be an integral part of his identity".

But obviously no-one knows your child better than you and I'm sure your instinct will guide you.

tell him the truth that this is the biological daddy and that his real daddy being dh is the one who loves him very much dont hide it please as when he finds out the truth he will be so confused with it all, i told mine that a daddy is someone who loves and raises you and would do anything for you also who is there for you. i hid it first and paying for it now in rages of you cant tell me what to do!! yet he refers to the biological one by his name and my hubby is dad.

I think if it too stressful for you and dp then wait until after the baby is born. its a big thing, i think as long as you explain whilst he is young there is no rush to do it now iykwim

hope it all goes well

Hi,

I have 3 children and have been with my Dh for 8 years, ( he is not the biological father of my children) Although my youngest was only 6 weeks old when I met my husband and his bio father has not had anything to do with him, my husband and I have always told the children about their bio dad, as we felt it was important for them to know the truth even though we could have quite easily not have told them, due to bio dad having nothing to do with them.( other children were 1 and 3 years old)

I do think that your son should know the truth and although I know it is hard he should see the photos, as it is part of your son knowing and understanding himself.

It has never been an issue in our family my children accept they have daddy but they also have a biological dad, and they have always known.

I think telling him sooner rather than later will avoid any unecessary heartache when he is much older, children are much more accepting than you think they are!

Normally I would say tell him sooner rather than later so it doesn't become this huge, looming issue. However, with a baby on the way I would seriously leave it a f4ew more months, and then tell him. I would be worried about him feeling second best with a baby, kids imaginations are very powerful.

Don't leave it too long though, IMHO although you don't want to make a huge deal of it, it would be better for you to raise it rather than him finding a picture and wondering if you were hiding the 'truth'.

Your Dh sounds like a find, BTW.

Haven't read all the posts but completely agree with Blu ...
This is exactly what my friend explained to her son when he started asking questions about where he came from (he had a 'daddy' and a bio father too) ...
It worked really well and the child accepted the answers that his parents gave him ... they did it bit by bit ... not all in one go but over a few years. He is 9 now and totally understands the score.

Only read the 1st post and would agree remove them. I have an SD and was told about him when I was 11. Never wanted to find him and have a fantastic dad who has been there since I was a baby. Have his name on my birth certificate as he adopted me when I was 3

dont mean to hi jack but could bonkerz or magnolia mind explaining how you changed over parental responsability and birth certificates etc.
my dd's sd hasnt wanted anything to do with us when we found out i was pregnant. ( 4 months)
fine by me.
i am now with a long time family friend and he was around since before my dd was born.
he is daddy and his parents are gps etc.
we dont want to tell her the truth etc.
how do we go about him becoming bethanys dad?
does sd have to agree etc.
sorry if that sounds stupid but really have no idea.
thanks.

It depends on age i think because all babaies born after 2003??? the dads have parental rights automatically.
My DS was born in 2000 and therefore his sd didnt have any rights. DH applied to court direct and paid £25. We had to appear infront of a judge and i had to have a letter stating i was the only person with parental rights. ALso i think they did contact sd but because he had paid no maintenance and hadnt seen his son for 3 years he couldnt do anything about DH getting PR without going through court and paying lots of money! At the same time we also got a residential order made in DH name so if anything happens to me DS will stay with DH. COntact your local court house and they will be able to tell you how to go about it. We did go to a solicitor but was told we didnt need one and also it was cheaper to go direct, Hope that helps.

I think your partner cannot adopt your daughter without her biological father finding out as he will be contacted as part of the process. I really think it is a mistake to lie to her and tell her he is her bio father as she will find out one day via her birth certificate and it won't be nice to think she was lied to. I think the idea of a man who helped mummy make you and your daddy who loves you is not such a terribly difficult concept for small child.

Remove them and keep them for a time when DS is a bit more emotionally able to deal with even the most basic of truth regarding his bio-father.