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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

eleven year old ds crying every day at new school

105 replies

spacecadet · 13/09/2005 19:18

my eldest ds started secondary school last monday and came home full of it on the first day, he has made friends and seems to have a good friend that he goes around with, however dd who is a year 10, told me she found ds on the second day crying, even though he was with his friend. he was sick after breakfast last weds and ended up having that day off, every day he has come home and said he doesnt like the school and is homesick, today his head of year rang at 8.55 and said ds was ill and wanted to come home, i explained what was going on and he said he will keep an eye on him, but what can i do, im worried his new found friends will drop him if he keeps crying and also im worried that he may end up being a target for bullies.

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Lonelymum · 13/09/2005 19:54

My ds2 is 7. The funny things is that my ds3 has started playgroup and one of the leaders there also has a 7 year old boy who is at another school and also unhappy. Anyway, he came to ds2's school one day last term to see if he wanted to move schools and he and ds2 got on brilliantly apparently. Unfortunately, he decided not to move schools but he still talks to his mum about my ds2 so we are arranging for them to meet up. You have to try anything when you see your children so unhappy don't you?

MarsLady · 13/09/2005 19:56

spacey

Original poster

spacecadet · 13/09/2005 20:30

give it time, its difficult because at that age they have all formed their little friendship groups,ask him who he likes in class and ask the parent if that child can come round, it gives you a good oppurtunity to get to know the parents too.shame that little boy didnt decide to change schools.

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Lonelymum · 13/09/2005 21:20

Yeah, his mother still wants him to but if he doesn't get on and make up his mind, the places will be taken (new kids join all the time as there is a good local secondary school and parents move to get into it).

Original poster

spacecadet · 13/09/2005 22:03

ah, i see.

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Original poster

spacecadet · 13/09/2005 22:03

ds just gone to bed btw after half an hour of sobbing and begging me not to send him tomorrow

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Tortington · 13/09/2005 22:58

i read this thread earlier on today and i dont know what to say - it must be so emotionally draining for you sc.

if there was a bullying problem at least you could identify a plan to act on it and make it better.

i would second HMB's post about finding an older kid to watch out for him - youinvariably fin that if given the responsability the older kids really relish it and try hard to look out for their little ones.

either a 6th former or a year 11 ( i think?)

another idea would be to get a kid from year 8 - having been at the school a year they know the ropes and there isnt too much of an age difference.

might be worth while organising a meeting with the school and asking about a 6th former looking after your son. trying to get him involved in soccer at lunch and stuff - older kids always make younger ones look cool! or "Kool" if he wants to be Kooler.

also ask about lunchtime activities. ask if the teachers can make an effort to get him and a couple of mates to help do something - like tidy up after science lesson or something to help bonding in a small group. there may also be activites at lunchtime or break.

jampots · 13/09/2005 23:16

SC - last year my dd started yr 7 in an out of catchment school. i worried obviously and although she felt a bit of an outsider occasionally, she accepts this was her own doing by holding back. She's a confident yr 8 now and is v happy.

my ds has changed schools this year too and although ive had no reports of him crying he does tell me he sits on his own at dinnertime which breaks my heart (if its true) and he only agreed to change schools (hes year 4) to keep me happy

Im sure your ds will be fine. but i agree he is probably still very overwhelmed by it all.

SecondhandRose · 13/09/2005 23:31

spacecadet sit down with him and have a cuddle and get him to talk to you about what's going on. There might be some things that can be sorted out easily.

Tortington · 14/09/2005 11:52

how was it this morning?

Original poster

spacecadet · 14/09/2005 13:16

not good, he was throwing up and begging me not to send him to school, youve all given such fab advice but i feel so helpless. i phoned his head of year today, and hes being really blase about it, i dont think he realises how bad it is.

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Tortington · 14/09/2005 13:21

ask to go see him

Lonelymum · 14/09/2005 13:23

Oh god SC, it sounds awful. I have just got back from dropping ds3 off at playgroup and on my way home, I passed three boys from the local secondary. One said "Excuse me?" all politely. Well, i already felt intimidated so I didn't say anything but I caught his eye at which he said something like "You're shit" and off they went laughing at their wittiness. I just thought, god that is what my little ds1 will have to ace in two years time. I don't know how you let your children go off to secondary school at all.

You really need to see the tutor or year head face to face and if you get no joy from that, go direct to the head. Your son sounds absolutely traumatised, not just a bit miserable or unsure of himself. I hope you get something sorted soon.

potty1 · 14/09/2005 13:31

space

Your ds sounds a lot like me at that age (it was a loooong time age). I hated my first few months at secondary, was sick most days and usually had to be shoved through the gates. For me it was because I felt isolated in the class I was in. There were no other girls from my school in my class - I spent half my break and lunch trying to track down my old friends who just seemed to be getting along without me. I did make new friends eventually but it was hard.

I think that you should make an appointment to see his head of year - at least that may make him realise that this is something he has to pay attention to (he probably thinks it's a 'settling in' thing which maybe it is but your ds needs to see that someone at school is 'there for him')

This is of no consolation (and may well make you feel worse) but my ds2 in yr10 was in tears last week too (he said he just wanted it all to end ), his head of year acted on my phone call and his problem is sorted.

Custy's ice breaker ideas are good. On the understanding that he has to keep going to school what does your ds want you to do to make things better?

foxinsocks · 14/09/2005 13:36

does he still (after vomiting etc.) manage to get on the bus and get to school? if so, then I think he's doing quite well. I would definitely go for a face to face visit with his head of year - it could be that ds hides his anxieties well in front of all the other kids (which is no doubt when he/she sees him).

jampots · 14/09/2005 13:40

space - i think this is one of only a few posts which has ever made me feel sick for someone else. I agree you need to speak to his Head of Year and see what pastoral care is available, at dd's school they have a peer mentoring system whereby older kids look after the younger ones which works well as the mentors are selected because of their sensitivity and maturity. I feel so sad for your little boy and wouldnt even like to think about what I would do. My little boy prefers his old school but still goes into his new one happily and I feel so guilty for moving him.

Does he have many friends out of school?

Lonelymum · 14/09/2005 13:43

Oh don't get me started Jampots about moving schools. I wen through ds2's old work from his old school today and ended up crying at the thought that I had moved him away from it. He was crying the other day and all I want to do is cry with him. I am a stickler for sending my children to school but I honestly think if I were Spacecadet, I would keep him home. nd I am not recommending that as that won't solve the problem, but sometimes we all act on our heart rather than our head.

jampots · 14/09/2005 13:46

lonelymum. Hijack! did you get to speak to your PTA? A message came back to me saying they were full

Lonelymum · 14/09/2005 13:48

What? That is madness!

No, I didn't bother with the PTA. I thought I did quite well last week and I am coasting along on that for now. You know, still smiling and saying hello, but not putting myself forward at the mo.

jampots · 14/09/2005 14:01

i had to go to a yr4 parents consultation last night and there were many mummies there - most of whom ignored me but must have realised I was new. Anyway I got chatting to a lovely HK lady whos said she'd been there 4 years now and still thought they were a snotty bunch. However whilst I was waiting to speak with my ds's teacher a couple of the mums introducted themselves and asked how ds was settling in. Trouble is, there's no way I'd recognise them today - all I know is one is called Jane and she has blonde hair

jampots · 14/09/2005 14:01

introduced

Lonelymum · 14/09/2005 14:03

What is HK? I had a Yr 1 meeting yesterday and was broadly ignored. Yr 3 today and Yr 5 next week. I am interested to go, not to find about the curriculum (ex teacher after all) but just to see how I am treated!

jampots · 14/09/2005 14:04

Hong Kong

Original poster

spacecadet · 14/09/2005 18:25

phoned up this afternoon and have an appt on friday to see the head of year, he said ds came to see him at breaktime and they had another chat, ds said that he has friends and likes his lessons, but is homesick for his old primary school and for me, he admitted that, he is scared of the year 11's and worries about things like needing toilet oin class etc. he seems to have a nice friend though as this little lad accompanies him everwhere!, i will have a word about a peer mentor though, they only did that on induction day. he doesnt have any friends outside of school anymore because they dropped him when they found out he was going to a diff school.

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Original poster

spacecadet · 14/09/2005 18:27

i got to know the mums whose children go to school with ds2 because i joined the pre-school committe,, i never really got to know anyone through the elder 2, i think these committees are a good way to get to know people.
lonelymum, you should apply to be a parent governer if a spavce comes up, you would be ideal as an ex teacher.

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