I didn't know it'd be this hard :-(

[JazzieJeff]

Hi all, just had my first baby last Thursday, he is 6 days old today and I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. I never thought I'd find it easy, but I never thought I'd find it this hard either. I feel like my life is out of control, during the day I'm alright, but it gets to about 7 o clock after I've put him down to sleep and I actually start feeling sick with dread about what's going to come. When he cries, the sound feels like it's penetrating my soul, it makes me want to be I'll and cry myself. I know I'm not going to get any sleep, and I don't know when it's going to get better.

I knew beforehand it was going to be hard, but the reality of DH and I being up at the coalface 24/7 is so hard. I love my son so much, but sometimes I think such horrible things. The other night when he was going nuts at 3am, I just cried along with him and thought i should give myself into social services because I just make him miserable.
The next minute, all is well and we're all happy again. It's so up and down I can't keep up. I scare myself sometimes with the swing of my moods. I see other people with their kids in the park playing with them, or my friends with their babies and it's not like that for them. I'm just so desperate to be a decent mum. SO desperate. But I just can't do it. I can't imagine how I'll cope when DH goes back to work.

I don't know a single mum who hasn't felt like this at some point. You've been through a massive life change, your hormones are all over the place and you're being dragged out of much needed sleep by someone who doesn't say thank you. It sucks and it is hard but in time you will all settle into the routine of it. You will have up days and down days but slowly the up days will begin to outweigh the down days. The other mums you see who don't appear to be going through this most probably will be but don't want to admit to it.

Keep talking to people about how you feel. Don't bottle it up and if you feel like you really can't cope please please ask for help. There's nothing abnormal about the way you feel. Being a mum is bloody hard work. x

aah. big hugs. first of all congratulations! secondly give yourself a break, 6 days is nothing and ups and downs completely normal. so are tears. so is dismay! have you had a chat with your midwife/hv about the way you sometimes feel?

hey hey hey my love. Give yourself a chance. He is only 6 days old. Of course you haven't adjusted yet, nobody has at that stage. Those other people in the park, well, I bet most of them don't have 6 day olds for a start, and also I guarantee that it will have been just like this for some of them at least.

I don't have time to post proper advice but didn't want to read and run. Smart people with good reassuring advice will be all over this like a rash soon. I hope you will be able to believe them when they tell you that yes, the early days can be brutal someimes, but it does get easier.

This is your hormones talking. Go easy on yourself, the first few weeks are incredibly tiring and draining. BUT you will get through it and before you know it, you will adore spending time with your LO.
Believe me, what you are feeling is totally totally normal. Try to sleep when your baby sleeps and accept all offers of help. Each day, things will get a little easier.
I think having a baby is so so different to what people expect, before having one. Particularly at the beginning. But it becomes the best thing ever, I promise. If you do find you feel like this in a month or two, speak with your Doctor or HV, just in case it is PND. But given you gave birth 6 days ago, the hormones will be flooding your system right now.
Take it easy on yourself and keep posting.

Jazzie. Its a big shock, isn't it? 99.99% of first time mums have felt exactly the same as you at some point during their baby's very early days, I am certain. I was quite ready to leave my dh and dd when she was less than 2 weeks old, I remember.

I wonder if it would help you to forget about putting him down to sleep at 7 o'clock? Just think of him as being a tiny thing who doesn't know that night time is sleep time and day time is awake time, and instead of trying to impose that routine on him just yet, to work on very gently nudging him in that direction?

It might also be a very good idea to lower your expectations! So, perhaps you could give yourself up to the idea that you will have very little time away from him, time when he is not crying or feeding or wanting to be held, for the next 6 weeks. If you can get through that, I am sure you will start to see an improvement in your life: maybe 20 or 30 minutes when he is happily awake and not crying or feeding, at the right time of day, and smiling at you, and all will suddenly seem a great deal better.

I know its hard but, honestly, in these very early days you do just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. It gets better very very very quickly.

Call in all the offers of help you have ever had, too, btw .

I will post again tomorrow, not strong enough to read people being nice to me at this exact minute, I'm not being ungrateful; I will post again tomorrow when I feel better. It's like as the night draws in, I feel worse and worse and almost scared of what's going to happen. Thankyou to everyone who's posted so far xxx

Also, newborns cry a lot. The whole thing of fed? tick, cold? nope, clean nappy? yep, tired, nope is rubbish. Some babies just cry and all you can do is tick off all possible needs and try to adopt strategies to minimise the crying - swaddling, cuddling, rocking, singing etc. It took me a long time to realise that there is only so much you can do. Some babies do just cry, even when they're not hungry, tired, cold or dirty nappy.

DS1 cried for the first 6 months of his life. I cried for that same period of time too! Biggest ever shock of my life. I remember walking around thinking 'WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS FUCKING HARD?' I almost killed myself trying to breastfeed and felt like a complete failure when it didn't happen for me. It really was horrible. DS1 turning 1 was a real turnaround point; suddenly he could communicate what he wanted and things just got better and better from then on. He is now a very funny, articulate and clever (though very spirited as well so it's damn hard work!) boy; DH and I find it hard to believe he is not quite 3 yet! We went on to have DS2 who is now almost a year old and he is an easier baby all round but it's almost because we just roll with it a lot more.

DON'T worry about creating bad habits, they are only so small once, cuddle all you like and do all you need to do to make it through the day.

You WILL sleep a whole night again, it might not happen for a while but it will or you will catch up with sleep some other way (I had a snooze today while DS2 is napping and DS1 was busy talking and sticking stickers all over me!).

I don't care how this makes me look BUT I HATE the baby stage. I really do. My family is complete because we only ever wanted two but also because I will not put myself through the first 6 months of a baby's life again. Take care, it is the most awful shock but one day, your baby will smile at you and it will be worthwhile...

You really need some sleep. Can you get your head down now, and let your husband care for him for a few hours? If you are breastfeeding, you could either express or catch some milk in a breast shell, so your dh could take a turn at feeding. We found a graco swing really helpful in the early weeks as the swinging action would send our baby to sleep.

I have felt exactly the same as you, with my first dc. It was hell, I didn't feel I could possibly do it, and sat at night feeding, sobbing because of the pain, wondering what on earth I had done with my life. I spent my pg thinking I was prepared, and rapidly realised I had nonidea.

It gets easier, they fed less frequently, start to smile, you feel more confident, begin to recognize what they might want etc etc. At the moment your hormones are all over the place and it is hell. It does get easier.

Have chat with your mw and see if she has any advice. I can recommend infacol (Ds had mild colic type problem) and baby massage is fantastic - calming for both of you. Just olive oil is a gentle moisturizer.

Learn the mn baby mantra- this too shall pass. It's all a phase, it gets better it's hard to know that now though :) x

Lots of good advice following a similar OP on this thread

Take care of yourself and let others take care of you - we have all been there and it will get better.

JazzieJeff - I've been there, with both of mine. I think those early days are a nightmare, and nothing can prepare you for it. Both mine had colic and screamed all evening until about midnight. I remember going to bed after the last feed about 8pm until DH came in about 10 pm for a feed. I would hear that cry coming up the stairs and have that sick dread feeling.

I can totally see where you are coming from. I would rock both mine at 3am, trying to will them to sleep and crying my eyes out.

However, and I know you'll have heard this a million times before. IT WILL GET BETTER. Both mine were much easier by about 4 months (I know that sounds a lifetime away, but it will fly).

If anyone offers to help when DH goes back to work, LET THEM. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You focus so long on the labour you feel unprepared for just how hard those first few weeks are.

When I was really struggling, I can remember reading a post on here from someone who had felt on the edge of a breakdown when her baby was a few days old, and had come back on to let everyone know how much better things were for her, three weeks later. I just clung on to that thought, that it could be me in just three weeks time, writing a post telling everyone how I'd come through, and how things were getting easier all the time. And I did!

Some really good advice here. I would second 'scaley' when she says that it may be better not to put him down at 7pm. He is so young, he has no idea night time is sleep time. Perhaps allow yourself to follow your baby's sleep pattern for the next couple of weeks. Sleep when he sleeps if you are tired, eat lots when awake and have as many long baths as possible whilst your partner is home.

Good luck - you will get through the difficult time and probably forget it ever happened!

I was exactlt the same. But then I remember one day when she was about 5 wks when I just looked at her and thought 'wow'. She is now 10 wks and I feel more confident. There is still the dragging feeling when I want to nip off and do something in the house but it is 10x more difficult, or when we get towards bed-time and I'm not sure how much sleep I'll get but then she smiles at me when I pick her up at 0300 for a feed and it is all worth it!

Oh, and just do what makes you both happy. If sleeping on you is what keeps him calm, then do it (safely) and ignore the rod for own back callers. DD has taken to being far too awake for my liking after the middle of the night feed so I bring her in with us and we all sleep soundly. And I love half-waking up and seeing her dozy little face next to me...especially the other morning when she was awake and watching me, as soon as she saw my eyes open she smiled at me, I just melted.

Anyway, lots of good advice here, but it is overwhelming and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Oh Jazzie - it is incredibly hard. My DD1 (now 6) would cry and cry and cry and CRY constantly. I couldn't put her down for the first 6 weeks of her life - not even for a nap! As soon as I put her down she would scream the place down and nothing but nothing worked. I struggled to breastfeed and she had colic. I was so TIRED I couldn't function - even having a shower and getting dressed was an ordeal and I don't think i managed it for the first 5 weeks of her

Nothing prepares you for how hard a baby is - particularly a first baby - I had this image of sitting in the garden (summer baby) reading a book whilst my lovely first born would sleep gently in her pram in the shade. How utterly deluded was I! I couldn't do anything or go anywhere with her as all she did was cry and the only way that stopped, was if I picked her up and held her.

As others have said please stop being so hard on yourself, and secondly i would say start to accept that you aren't going to get any sleep, or be able to do anything other than look after your DS. Acceptance really does make it easier to bear. I promise you though that slowly things will improve.

Please don't be afraid to talk to others, be kinder to yourself and if you continue to feel so unhappy then talk to your GP.

Good luck - remember it really does get easier.

One other thing - don't worry about routines and don't worry about bad habits. anything you do now with your little one can be undone - my DD used to sleep on me or next to me - as it was the only way I could get any sleep (albeit on and off dozing). She now sleeps 12 hours in her own bed at night and has done since she was a couple of months old. I carried her everywhere - now she is independent and confident.

This was the best advise anyone gave me and it came from a friend who is a midwife so it carried weight!

Couldn't agree with you more and I know it's hard to hear, but this is totally normal. I felt the same and a friend told me that when the baby gets to 8 weeks - "you'll feel like you're getting there". Frankly, she may as well told me to climb a mountain, but she was right and that time goes so quickly.

Hormones do odd things, newborn's do odd things and you're in the middle of it, trying to make sense of how you feel, you have to just go with it. Muddle through and don't be hard on yourself. There is great advice here, have you any friends or family nearby you can talk to? Accept help, sleep when your baby sleeps and trust the people on here when they say 'it does get better'. Take care.

I adored dd (still do obviously) but both me and dh found the baby stage horrendous. I would sit and cry while feeding her, thinking 'I can't do this. I can't be totally responsible for a whole entire baby! Caught dh sobbing once too as dd wailed her heart old! (wind!)

With a 6 day old baby I would expect you to be feeling what you are now - 'wtf have I done?!'

Dd is 4 and a half now, and I can honestly say that 0-3 months was the hardest thing I ever did. At the time it seemed everything was milk, crying, soothing, nappies, washing and sleep deprivation and 'me time' was made up of going to the loo while she hardly ever slept and eating a sandwish with one hand and rocking dd in my arms! But really it goes by so quickly - just seems forever when you are doing it.

You are at the worst bit now - everyday your baby becomes stronger and gradually, gradully less totally dependant. You are doing great, it'll all be fine and yes eventually everything will seem more normal, and the nightmare with fade away.

And yes at baby group I never spoke about how I felt, I was just glad to see a different set of four walls, other mums probably thought I was finding easy too.

Don't fret. And keep using mumsnet and your other half, friends and family for support where ever and when ever you can.

Hiya, it does get easier. My son (my only child so far) just ate and slept whenever and then we were so happy he seemed to be settling into a routine... trouble is, the routine was to sleep 3pm to 11pm and be awake all night! But they do work out "night" and "day" and it was such a gradual thing, I couldn't tell you which day it was that he slept mostly at night and had most of his wakefulness during daylight.

Hang in there. Try to go to mum and baby groups, or meet up with friends, or go out for a coffee. Just go to the corner and back with the baby in the pram, then a little farther the next day. It will get easier, your mood will improve. Promise!

We really turned a corner at 6 weeks - he seemed to calm down and sleep better. Then it got easier again at 3 months. I felt a real change in his development. Same again at 6 months. Keep coming here for advice and help, and speaking to your family and friends.

just to say, that its completely normal.

to this day (18 years later) if im in a restaurant and i hear that cry, it makes me panic and just a little weepy.

the catch 22 is, bad mums don't dob themselves into social services!

so your a good mum who is tired and in shock.

give it time it gets better

Have a virtual un-MN hug. It is entirely normal to feel this way. I remember describing it to a friend as "a bomb going off in the middle of my life"- it just blew all my routines/ habits to hell. But honestly, it gets better. You rebuild, and the new life is better, feels more solid. Just be kind to yourself, and do whatever it takes to get through this bit (the worst bit!) Not one of us ever knows if we are doing it right or wrong, it really is a case of muddling through until you suddenly find your feet, and the sun comes out. Hang on in there!

the first few days and weeks are overwhelming in so many respects.

i dreaded my dh going back to work after 2 weeks but he did and it was just fine.

the broken nights were harder than i could have imagined! and my dd was a decent sleeper.

i did feel lost and in over my head at first.

as the days go by you'll have little victories in terms of what you have learnt/able to manage with your LO - first trip alone to starbuck - first trip breastfeeding in starbuck (first time doing the above with out sweating buckets out of fear and being on the verge of tears).

within a short time you'll be a dab hand at bathtime, changing, feeding, working out why your LO is crying etc. and therefor feel more confident.

tip for nightfeeding... i had my phone in one hand reading news, mumsnet, emailing friend in different time zome also bfing at same time and dd on the boob in the other hand/arm. feels less lonely/more cozy that way.

also my dd wanted to be held during the early part of the evening for the first 6/7 weeks. so between 7pm and circa 11, dh and i took turns in cuddling her. read somewhere that newborns feel the need to be held at this time of day, something to do with getting dark and hormones. dont worry it soon stops and by 12 weeks dd would be settled for the night at 8pm (obviously still bfed several time before morning but then able to eat dinner with 2 hands). btw you will also become dab hand at doing everything with 1 hand and baby in other.

you're on day 6 so probably around the time your hormones are changing (crashing out of your system...). so it will make you feel weepy for little reason (i wept buckets between day 5 and 8).

dont worry - we've all been there!

and you are entitled to feel shellshocked. nothing can prepare you for what having a baby brings. take heart you'll soon be rewarded with pretty smiles and giggles.

I have a 4 week old and for the first two weeks I just had snippets of that Coldplay (I think) so going round in my head as I sobbed silently to myself: 'Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this haaaaaarrrrrd'

DD is still awake after feeding constantly since 7pm. I have just handed her over to DH as I wanted to throw her out of the window. Tiredness is torture. What you are feeling is completely normal. And it does get better.