I didn't know it'd be this hard :-(

[JazzieJeff]

Hi all, just had my first baby last Thursday, he is 6 days old today and I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. I never thought I'd find it easy, but I never thought I'd find it this hard either. I feel like my life is out of control, during the day I'm alright, but it gets to about 7 o clock after I've put him down to sleep and I actually start feeling sick with dread about what's going to come. When he cries, the sound feels like it's penetrating my soul, it makes me want to be I'll and cry myself. I know I'm not going to get any sleep, and I don't know when it's going to get better.

I knew beforehand it was going to be hard, but the reality of DH and I being up at the coalface 24/7 is so hard. I love my son so much, but sometimes I think such horrible things. The other night when he was going nuts at 3am, I just cried along with him and thought i should give myself into social services because I just make him miserable.
The next minute, all is well and we're all happy again. It's so up and down I can't keep up. I scare myself sometimes with the swing of my moods. I see other people with their kids in the park playing with them, or my friends with their babies and it's not like that for them. I'm just so desperate to be a decent mum. SO desperate. But I just can't do it. I can't imagine how I'll cope when DH goes back to work.

Coldplay song

jazzie,
Please give yourself a break, Second custardo, the fact that you are doubting you are a good mum, is a sign that you are, and will be a great mum. Nobody finds a first baby easy, nobody finds the first few weeks easy, everybody has cried, everybody at some point, thinks they are useless. Your baby is not crying because you are making it miserable, he is crying despite the comfort you are giving him, cause sometimes that is just what they do. It does get easier very,very soon and until it does, just give in to it a bit, don't push yourself to do lots, ignore the housework, catch sleep whenever you can, and make sure you are eating. You will get your life back, it will be different, some constraints but lots of added bonuses too, wait til he first properly hugs you, starts to communicate, worth the pain (most days.... honest!)

How are you this morning Jazzie?

When I had ds I thought he or I was abnormal, I found it impossible to believe that people would actually knowingly have babies and sometimes have more than one if it was usually this hard, if the babies usually slept so little, fed so much etc. Ds fed all of teh time, literally. It was so, so, so hard and I was scared I would never feel human again.

Fast forward 3 years on and I was one of the people having another baby because, long term, its worth it.

dd is almost 4 weeks and although she is a better sleeper (touch wood) than ds was it is still such, such hard work and I have had days where I have felt very overwhelmed. In the first week I think I spent 80% of my time crying, about sanything.

Fwiw, with dd we have been out and about and 'coping' and getting on with life from day 3 because, with ds, we have to. If I had seen me (if that makes sense!) out and about with a tiny baby going shopping, on days out etc when ds was tiny I would have thought 'oh that mum must be so relaxed, she's coping so much better than me' etc. Its a load of rubbish, I am not coping better than anyone but the alternative to getting out and going to the park for example is sitting in and dd crying and ds whining because he is bored so its the lesser of two evils really!

I am knackered now, I am jealous of people who have had enough sleep / enjoyed a bath recently without waiting for the crying to start / eaten dinner whilst it was still warm etc but I know from experience that it WILL pass and I know this because looking after ds is generally a piece of piss now and has been for a long time, it will be the same with dd and the same with your baby. You will get through it, you dont need to worry about routines and making rods for your own back at this stage. Everything will sort itself out, remember your baby is completely instinctive and its how its meant to be.

I think for the first few weeks, I used to get to about 6pm and then collapse in a sobbing heap. Hormones, exhaustion, grief for the old days, sleep deprivation, confusion - it was horrible (interspersed with wonderful moments and proud moments of coping well).

What sort of help do you have? I did some doula training and I know that if, at this point, you rang up any local doula and said 'I need help', you'd get some recommendations. It costs about £10 an hour and the doula comes in for as long or short a time as you want, as many days as you want, and will just help in whatever way you want, and (most importantly) listen.

It really does get better, it's the most massive change you'll ever go through (I think) and you're not physically at your best after giving birth and being woken up goodness knows how much every night afterwards. Hang in there. xx

I felt like this with my first, not so much with the next two partly because I knew it would be like that and I also knew it would pass.

You've been given some great advice here, it is important at this early stage to do whatever is easiest not what a book tells you. I found with all my three babies that there was no point in following a routine until about 10 weeks and I'm one of those annoying women who had my babies sleeping through the night by 12/13 weeks. Give your self a break.

The other thing we did that really really helped was that I would express some milk during the day, then I'd go to bed about 10-ish. DH who is a night owl would stay up and do the next feed with the ebm so that I would sleep through to the next time the baby awoke. Often it meant I'd get from 10 to 5ish - it made a whole lot of difference. It also meant that when I did want to go onto bottle feeding (and please lets not have a debate about formula/breast) the baby had no problems taking a bottle. I did the same thing for my next two babies although I have to admit by baby number three I didn't express and did give formula. I still bf the rest of the time.

DH loved it because he bonded with the babies, I loved it because I got more sleep. Sleep deprevation is partly what's making you feel so overwhelmed.

Give yourself a hug and cut yourself some slack.

How are you doing OP?
Have you told your MW exactly how you are feeling?
Are there any baby groups near you? Sure Start? NCT?
Do have have help from family?

Just to add another voice of solidarity. Just coming to the end of week 5 with mine and it DOES get better, or at least your confidence in dealing with it does.

When DS was born, I literally was scared of him and him crying. Now he still cries- actually he cries more, but it doesnt penetrate my soul so much so I'm calmer at dealing with it. Also, I've realised that there may be nothing specific wrong- he's just crying and all I can do is comfort him.

But yes, there have been "what have I done? My life was so nice" moments along the way.

My consolation is that most people have more than one kid so there must be compensations coming up!

Just to second what everyone else has said. You are still at the mercy of your hormones and 6 days is no time at all to have adjusted to being a mum.

All you can do is sleep when the baby sleeps, or lie down anyway, even if you don't actually manage to sleep. Do nothing in the house - there will come a time when you can manage housework but that time is not now. Accept any help you are offered. Get dh to do anything that needs doing. Buy meals that require little or no preparation. Live in your bedroom. Get through these first hellish few days anyway you can and don't compare yourself with others you see. You do not know what is going on behind their scenes.

My first baby was born in June and I remember a friend saying how lovely, you can be breastfeeding in the early morning, watching the sun rising. What a load of bull! If I was up at 4 as the sun was rising, it would make me cry to think that another night was over and I still had had no sleep. It is an awful time at the moment, made more awful by the fact that everyone thinks it should be a wonderful time for you, but the early days don't last forever.

{{{hugs}}}

I went through the same thing with DS1 and thought I must be the worst mother in the world because I thought everyone else seemed to be coping better than I was. There were times when I put DS1 in his cot in the nursery closed the doors and then went into another room and sobbed my heart out (felt like it was going to break). When I eventually plucked up the courage to mention to my NCT group how bad a mother I was, they all shared their stories and I relaised what I was going through was NORMAL!

Like a few other posters, I hated the baby stage and don't understand how some women love it so much! DS1 now 4 & DS2 is 2 and we are at a stage where I am really happy. Bear with it!

I also found with DS1 that I had to get out of the house everyday, even just for a walk (bought milk in 1 pint bottles so I had an excuse to get out!). It snowed quite heavily one day and it looked as though I couldn't get out and I actually had a panic attack which was quite scary at the time.

Don't be hard on yourself and use MN - it's amazing to find that things you are going through are actually quite normal even if everyone you know in RL pretend they have the most perfect baby!

You've had some great advice here OP..

I hope you're feeling a little better. The baby himself might not be a lot easier yet but at least think that every day passed is a day more post partum for YOUR body and YOUR hormones.. We women would have enough to be doing getting over childbirth without having to actually look after the baby !

Please do pop on and tell us how you're doing.. I'm on here quite a lot in the middle of the day (elder one at school, younger one asleep ) if you just fancy a chat!

Some great advice one here. Your baby is only 6 days old (well 7 now!) - when you say you feel as if your life is out of control that's because it is! I would second those who say just give in to that and let life revolve around your baby for a bit - forget routines and trying to get back to normal - plenty of time for that later on when you've go your head round being a mum. I remember being shocked that I didn't feel an immediate and overwhelming rush of love and motherly instinct - those feelings did come but not for several weeks. The tiredness is unimaginable in spite of everyone warning you what to expect. As others have said take as much help as you can and try to sleep when your baby sleeps for the first few weeks. It will get better - and probably sooner than you think. Lots of hugs - you can do it, in a few months you'll be on here dishing out advice to the next new mum.

Hope you're doing okay.

I want to echo what others have said about his bedtime. Don't focus on 7pm - that's a longterm goal, not an insta-bedtime at one week old. I think I've mentally blocked a lot of my DS's first weeks but I'm sure we used to get him to bed more like 10 or 11pm. He's 15 weeks now and only in the last 2-3 weeks have we started getting into something like a routine that involves an 8pm bedtime (my DH doesn't get in til 7pm).

It is hard work, but it does get better.

Whenever I have one of those days I just tell myself: "This too shall pass".

Another one backing up what others have said about bedtime in the early weeks.

With ds1 I was adamant that he needed a 'proper bedtime' (I know, I know) and it was hell. With ds2, I just cuddled him on the sofa in the evenings until he fell asleep and popped him in his cot.

I think (in a very tree-huggy way ) that ds1 was much harder to settle as I was moving him away from me much too early. I now look back on those evenings with ds2 as very happy memories and I wish that I'd done the same with ds1,

Congratulations and it does get less scary, I promise .

When my DDs were this age, I would take the moses basket into whichever room I was in and if baby feel asleep on me, I would pop her into the moses basket. I would then carry it to my bedroom when I went to bed. At this age, i never wanted them to be too far away from me.
I do remember breastfeeding whenever I had my dinner, asking my DH to cut up my food so I could eat with one hand!!

honestly it will get better. ds is 6 weeks now and things are already so different to the first couple of weeks. I can remember putting him down on the bed very erm "firmly", wilst crying and shouting "I dont know what you want" at him but now we are so much more in tune to each other, and when he's awake he just smiles and smiles at you and its lovely.

my advice would be to not expect to do anything other than sit on the sofa / in bed feeding and cuddling and getting to know each other - with may be the occasional walk round the block for some fresh air.

sorry for crap punctuation, feeding!

I have a very good friend going through this at the moment. It breaks my heart to hear her crying every night...she calls me up and I feel so useless. But I know it will get better for her.That doesn't help at 7'o clock each night though! I too sobbed each evening,just at the thought of another night.I had terrible thoughts about wanting to hurt my baby...shudder.But sleep depravation is a form of torture.Is there anyone who can give you a break?You sound like a lovely mummy,who is looking after her baby so well.It won't always be like this,otherwise we would all only have one,LOL! Big hugs,your not alone.

i found what really helped me in the night was to stop looking at the time! i suppose its a part of turning off your expectations that night is for sleeping - just try to blur day and night into one for a bit

Just to add to the others, it is normal to feel things are so hard. I had a lovely health visitor with DS who said to me it takes 6 weeks to mentally adjust to the idea of being a family, and that those 6 weeks will be hard but then it gets easier. I didn't believe her at the time, but it was true.

I know it seems impossible just now, but you will get much more confident and you will get in to a pattern that works for you as a family.

Hi op, I hope last night was ok, and congratulations on LO being one week old!

I forgot to add, the life saver for me at night is my iPhone. I spend feeds reading mn and news etc- stops the bad thoughts getting in. I had pnd last time and know from experience distraction is needed!

I hope you enjoy the day - little steps :)

Hi JazzieJeff

Just another 'it does get better' message. It really does! What you are going through now isnt it for the rest of your life, honestly!

One small thing which worked for us was that ours were all formula fed so we would take it in turns to do night feeds. One night on, one off. Whoever was 'on' would do all the feeds that night safe in the knowledge that the next night they would get the whole night off. It worked for us.

If you are breast feeding then I am sure that there is also lots of good advice for getting some rest at the same time.

And I just wanted to say 'well done' for being organised enough to get on to Mumsnet already. You are doing well.

I struggled horribly until, when DS1 was about 6 months old, someone said to me.

"being a parent is utterley shit until the baby is about 18 months old."

This person was so right. Until then babies take,take,take and give fark all in return. Then they start to sleep better, speak, walk - all in all they stop that whole limpet business.

Until then, it's all about survival! Do whatever you want to help you cope. Give stuff a go, but don't feel pressurised - if mother and toddler groups are your nemesis; just don't go.

Every mum's situation is sooooooooooo unique, so there's never a prescribed solution to fit you and your family.

Good Luck. A 1st baby is ghastly and overwhelming - but you will get there if you take care of YOU!!

Hi all, feeling ok today. I'm overwhelmed at all the lovely, kind posts I've received; thankyou all so much! I'm my own worst enemy to be honest, I'm military and so is my DH, so we're normally super - organised and I think that in this instance; it's worked firmly against us (think tackling ironing at 9pm). I'm sure I'll get over it!

This afternoon wasn't fantastic. He had a nap at about 11ish I think, and I meant to make him up some bottles in advance (expressing; hospital mw rubbish at helping us get latched properly and DS bit - owwww!), but I fell asleep instead. DH had grabbed the chance to run to sainsburys to get bread and beans for tonights gormet surprise so I was on my own. He started crying and I went to try and settle him back but he wasn't having any of it, so I went to go and heat a feed which was in the fridge. By the time the kettle had boiled and it was warm enough, he had stopped crying :-( it was the worst thing. I should've been happy because he wasn't crying, but it felt like he'd given up on me coming.

At the moment he seems happy to feed every three hours during the day, but at night he breaks into on demand which I'm happy to do, I just don't know why. Is he particularly unsettled at night? Is it anything I'm doing? Should I try and stimulate him more when he's awake?

This last week has gone so fast, but at the time it seemed so slow, it's weird.
Thankyou so much to everyone who has helped me, I am so grateful. Xx

He's only seven days old - he doesn't know whether it's night or day yet. Don't worry - you'll find your way. If it's any consolation I think the more organised you were before the baby the harder it is to cope with the lack of control you feel now - I was exactly the same. You will get back into a routine, but it takes time.

Really glad you came back to post, hello :)

Honestly: don't torment yourself about why such tiny, young babies do anything. Really really don't, it isn't worth it because it's basically impossible to know. Try to cultivate a mindset of going with the flow. Every pattern they seem to be in is really just a short-term phase, and everything changes a lot as the weeks go by.

But to answer some of what you asked, no it isn't likely to be anything you are doing that causes restlessness at night; and you don't need to try to stimulate him. Babies that young are just getting to grips with being in the world at all after being tucked up in the womb all that time. Basic existence, the very notion of being able to open their eyes and look at the wall and perhaps vaguely focus on it, is stimulus enough.

Try to resist the temptation to over-interpret his behaviour, like the notion he has given up on you, etc. It just makes you feel worse and it isn't fair on yourself; I don't think it is really how babies that age percieve things. Just keep on cuddling and responding to him as best you can.

Best of luck with getting some sleep. Hope you can go easy on yourself.