If your parents hit you, do you class them as abusive? Where is the line?

[bintofbohemia]

Is all "physical discipline" abuse? Have just been pondering this as I know older members of my family who were probably subject to a fair amount of slapped legs or whacks with a hairbrush who wouldn't consider their parents as having been "abusive".

On the other hand, my father only hit me on two occasions, but I consider him to have been abusive. Just trying to get my head around it (for example when people find out that part of the reason for not having any more contact with my father is because he beat me up I don't expect much sympathy from certain parties.)

bumping...

I think it is to do with the kind of hitting and general day to day attitude of the parent.

My mum slapped my legs, quite often I suspect. But on the whole she was loving, caring, patient etc. A great mum imo.

My Dad rarely hit us, but when he did he really went for it. And in general was an abolute tosser who showed his pets more love and consideration than his family.

I consider him to have been abusive, but not my mum.

Dooin - do you still see your dad?

no I don't.
Both my parents smacked me but my mum was mentally cruel and messed me up in other ways.

I prefered my dads way of discaplining tbh, Short shart and to the point

sharp that should be

Yes, unfortunately. The only one thing I blame my mother is not divorcing the twat.

He seems to have seen the error of his ways, now we are older and can fight back. He is afraid of dying and no one caring. He is great with his DGC. Just the kind man I always wanted to be my Dad

My mum slapped the back of my legs when I was really really misbehaving, but she's a loving parent who I have always been very close to.

If I had been smacked around the face for completely spurious reasons that would have been abusive. It's difficult to specify a "line", it's more to do with the extent and context of the punishment. Mental abuse is more damaging I believe.

I think when you start to use words like 'hit', 'beaten' and talk of weapons like hairbrushes being used then it's abuse no question IMO.
I was smacked a couple of times by my mum and ( i think) my dad but can't really remember the detail and certainly don't think about them an 'incidents' plus have a very good loving relationship with both of them. Mind you, I would never smack my own children :hmm:
Lcn

Interesting - I've wondered about this too. I don't ever remember my mum smacking me - although I know from talking to her that she did. I remember my dad physically knowing my brother and my heads together (having threatened to do it a few times...), and - knowing how he is - I suspect he lashed out a few times (suffers from depression, and tendacy to do so), but again, I don't remember those occassions.
I suspect that it's the overall parenting that makes the difference. My parents are broadly supportive and loving and deeply child-centric - esp my dad. I can forgive a few moments of temper.

I was smacked-legs,bottom mainly.My brother was smacked with a hairbrush by my mother.I don't know how I feel about it tbh.I certainly think it didn't do my relationship with either parent (both smacked) any favours,but it was so common when I was a child,I only had one friend whose parents didn't smack (I'm 46).I don't smack my children but i have been tempted,in part I think because that is the way I grew up with ,and that makes me very sad.Even ten years ago more parents seemed to smack,now I don't know anyone who does.

knocking, not knowing...

I was smacked, never with an object, only a flat hand. Not often and it was obvious when we were getting into smacking territory. Dad and Mum did it but I can't remember any specific occasions. They were brilliant, very loving parents and hugs and kisses are much more memorable. But they were from a generations where smacking was normal and they did it less than some. I don't do it at all but I'd always preferred a quick smack to languishing in the kitchen (our version of the naughty step). It was the boredom - a smack felt much more precise. My grandad whipped my dad with a cane however. Dad had no contact with him for nearly 10 years. I guess grandad kind of relished it, whereas my parents always felt bad for doing it.

a smack as a reaction seems 'ok', but sort of prolonged, or seeking you out = abuse. To me anyway.

My mum did most of the discipline as she was the one at home and the one we played up for - I could be a real pita, much worse than my own dcs. Don't recall any specific incidents, certainly not scarred by being smacked (always on the bottom) and I considered her a loving and wise mum.

To put it in context though, my prep school still, in theory at least, had the cane although it was never used, although did once see the HT smack two boys' bottoms for fighting and ripping a school hat... you really couldn't imagine anything like that today, showing how much social mores have changed.

I was smacked by my parents.

Certainly not often and they always made sure I knew why I had been smacked.

My father smacked me twice.

Once was for deliberately raking my nails down his face and nearly gouging his eye, after being told to stop running my nails down his face. I was 2 and a half I think.

The other was for getting in a fight down the street after I had disobeyed and gone out of the front gate when I had been told not to leave the garden. I was 7.

He was an amazing man- fair, honest and loving and he loved nothing more than having us working with him in the garden, laying with us inside when it was raining.

As far from abusive as could be imagined.

sorry that should be playing, not laying.

I'm late 40s and of a generation where smacking was common. I was smacked habitually by my mother - often unclear why - she was just very volatile and got angry a lot.

Dad hit me a few times, not often - usually because he felt I had provoked (or failed not to provoke, as it always seemd to me) my mother's anger which was something we both tried to avoid at all costs. My only problem with Dad was that he made it impossible for me to stand up to my mother.

She could be loving - suffocatingly so even - but also very controlling and fightening in anger. Was it abuse? I just don't feel comfortable giving it that label. It certianly soured our relationship for life, unfortunately.

I find now, I almost can't express anger - can't even raise my voice. I just sort of close up, tight. I don't think that's healthy either.

Like the OP and several others I was smacked by my mother as discipline and only very rarely by my father, if ever and he is he one who is abusive not my mother. Again I am in my 40's so it was more common in those days and my brother and I used to know when we were pushing it with my mother and the smack never came out of the blue for no reason.

My father on the other hand is emotionally abusive and often plain nasty (still is) and that is far worse imo. He used to have a go at both of us, at me in particular (because I am female and therefore always in the wrong) for no reason whatsoever other than he was in a bad mood.

So in answer to your question no not all physical discipline is abuse imo. I have on very rare occasions smacked my boys but I am far far more worried with what I say to them because I know that does more damage than a disciplining smack.

Mine was a strange situation. My dad would belt me with a leather belt normally because my mum had told him I'd done something that hadn't happened. My mum had what is now the fashionable mental illnes - bipolar. Except she also had a psychotic edge to it. Until she got treatment I would get threatened by her with my dad's beltings. She'd also say things like, 'if you go out to school today, don't expect to fine me alive when you get back' she hated being left in the house herself.
Only when my dad took early retirement and experienced her 'mood swings' for herself, did he realise she was ill. Then she got treatment and she was 'normal'. By that time I was 20, having moved out asap at 17 for uni but her illness lasted all of my childhood as did the physical 2-3 times a week beatings from my dad.

My mum's dead now, my dad lives with my family. We get on ok. He moved in 6 yrs ago due to illness. It's a strange relationship. We're not close. It's not a cold relationship, just distant. Politely friendly? Occasionally he can try to be manipulative but I know him well enough to stop him in his tracks.

My upbringing has affected my parenting. DD isn't physicaly disciplined and I am slow to anger. If she needs disciplined it's through grounding, removal of luxuries/treats, etc. and once calmed down, explaining what was wrong with her action. And we try never to use negative words against her, eg, you're stupid. So I think out of negative experiences, whether abuse or not, it's had a positive outcome on me as a person and a parent.

my nan brought me up mostly and sh smacked me when i was naughty or cheeky, and would hit me on the head with the brush if i moaned she was hurting me BUT she is the most affectionate, kind and selfless person i know and she is my rock who i love to pieces, unconditionally. my mum never smacked me, but never did anything else much and we are not close at all, we dont really get on. my nan didnt cause me any harm and i love her way more than my mum. for the record though, i would never smack my children, dont know why, just dont agree with it personally.

It was a real product of it's time I think. I never smack DS but we were all smacked as children, usually a quick smack to the hand or legs. If we'd done something really bad though we were smacked by my Dad very formally - over the knee and bare bottom. The thought of doing anything like that to my DS freaks me out and I go cold if I think of those times as a child. These were not often though - probably a few times a year at most and stopped before I was 10.

I would call these punishments abuse now.

that should be she no sh...also, i would consider my mum to have been (and still is) mentally abusive, she used to rip me up for arse paper over stupid things and make me feel worthless, i still have no self esteem now and i put that down to her treatment of me. i would have rathered a smack of my nan than the cruel mental torment from my mother anyday...

should be not

I was smacked sometimes but I definitely don't think my mum was abusive because the overall atmosphere in my house was overwhelmingly one of love and care. I knew enough to see that when mum lost it she was at the end of her rope and feeling helpless and stressed.