If your parents hit you, do you class them as abusive? Where is the line?

[bintofbohemia]

Is all "physical discipline" abuse? Have just been pondering this as I know older members of my family who were probably subject to a fair amount of slapped legs or whacks with a hairbrush who wouldn't consider their parents as having been "abusive".

On the other hand, my father only hit me on two occasions, but I consider him to have been abusive. Just trying to get my head around it (for example when people find out that part of the reason for not having any more contact with my father is because he beat me up I don't expect much sympathy from certain parties.)

Well my Mum used to attack me with a terrifying fury so yes I would say she was abusive, it was punches, kicks, strangling etc.

But ex's Mum used to slap him, legs, backside etc but he would not ever consider her abusive. I don't slap but I agree that she was not abusive. It was parenting of the time, although I wouldn't do it.

Yes ex always said, his parents would get angry and slap but he and his siblings always felt loved, which I think makes all the difference.

yes she was abusive but not because she hit me... because she was emotionally abusive and tortured me as a child... couldn't have cared less about the hitting most of the time.

I was smacked as a child (am now 25) usually by my mum and always after several warning so always deserved it imo. They were always light smacks and made me ball my eyes out as i had disappointed my mum.

It has had no affect on my relationship with my mum,I love her and consider her to be one of my best friends.

A light slap on the back of the legs is not abusive. Anything more is.

It's the attitude of the parents, I think.

I was smacked. I only remember one time it happened, but I think it was pretty typical. My dad sat me down and explained that I had been told not to do something. He explained that I had been warned repeatedly (which I had) about it but had failed to listen. He then explained that having tried other methods to get me to co-operate, he'd reached the point of smacking. I presume he then smacked me (on the bottom, I'd expect), but I don't remember that bit.

It was never in anger, never without explanation and only for something serious. I'd say it showed he loved me and cared about me, not anything abusive. I was really close to my parents and was never in doubt even for a moment that they loved me (and my brother) more than anything on earth.

I was smacked, proper taken upstairs and over the knee type thing. Don't class my parents as abusive. Very loving, normal parents.

I was smacked, but certainly not in an abusive way. Not very often and they don't stick out in my memory.

(except for one time - sis and I playing in the hall, mum and aunties nattering in kitchen. I (5) came running out screaming 'Dsis (3)is dead! She fell and now she won't get up! She's dead!' I had my sis primed to lie still on the floor. I deserved that smack.)

Both my parents smacked me, and I don't at all consider it abusive: they were great parents and we have a close relationship.

However, I very strongly disagree with hitting children, and would never ever raise a hand to mine.

It's telling that my folks were young when they had me; they went on to never hit my younger siblings, as they'd learnt over the years it was a bad method of discipline. They regret smacking me, and learnt by their early parenting mistakes.

C'est la vie, and I don't hold a grudge, although I vividly remember hating being smacked.

I agree with it in rare and exceptional cases and I can understand how parents get to that seeing red point.
I often feel at the end of my tether but never smack as I remember what mum did to me.

Yes, my mum would smack us on the back of the legs if our behaviour warranted it.

However, I do not consider her to be abusive.

There's a massive difference between "a smack" and being "beat up" - we occasionally got smacked, as did most children at the time. A single flat handed slap to the bum/thigh or arm/hand being the usual thing.

It was usually mum, when we'd been winding her up further and further, and tbh we knew damn well what would happen if we kept on with it. I don't think it was abusive in the slightest.

Parents can be violent and abusive without hitting a child, or can smack without being abusive. I'm sure if your experience of being hit by your dad is remembered as being "beat up" and him being "abusive", then that's what it was, and didn't have much similarity to what other people remember as "normal" smacking.

I think it doesn't help that people often discuss smacking in terms of "hitting" and imply that its pretty much the same thing as beating children up, as though parents who do one will always be close to the other.

I was smacked but never beaten. I know someone else who was beaten by his abusive father and we are both very clear that the two things are not the same.

If you're not getting sympathy when you mention what happened, you might find you need to explain what you mean a bit more clearly - like being covered in bruises etc - so they know you aren't just dramatising a smack.

My Mum used to smack us. I do not consider her abusive.

We would push her to the point she was tearing her hair out at times.

Once, she held me up by the ankle and smacked me until her arm came out of her jumper.
She immediately put me in the back of the car and drove to the Doctors' where she insisted on being seen immediately, which she was, and given antidepressants. She didn't smack me ever again after that.

I do not smack my children.

If they really push me I withdraw Wii/Playstation/trips to park etc instead. Very effective!

I was smacked by both parents (I think) but don't really recall that much about it tbh.

What I do remember is the emotional abuse that my mum subjected me to: shutting me in my bedroom, screaming in my face often in front of my friends, being nasty and spiteful and encouraging me to believe that the rest of teh family found me as awkward and unpleasant as she did.

Frankly I wish she'd just smacked me and left it at that.

I got smacked. I don't like smacking. I don't think it was physical abuse on the part of my parents. TImes change, ideas change, and they were not beating me up.

I do now think of my mother as emotionally abusive and I have the odd rage at my dad for being a passive-aggressive arsehole at times. Those traits affected me much more.

I was smacked, and yes it was abuse. I would never consider hitting a child to be acceptable either. I do appreciate that people can snap sometimes and that is slightly different, but to me it is the general attitude that goes along with it that makes physical punishments unacceptable.

Both my parents hit me, but I would consider my father more abusive than my mother because the intent to hurt was there. With my mother, although she certainly did not treat us kids fairly (she played favourites and I wasn't one of them), she didn't hit in order to injure, it was a very misguided attempt at discipline and behaviour modification.

I think the line to specifically consider a parent abusive is with the intent, but to me, there is no line in terms of whether hitting a child is abuse. It is full stop. I don't know if I've explained that well, but I hope you get what I mean!

I was smacked on bum as a child but it was always discipline not because my mum or dad were angry never left a mark or anything,
smacking was last punishment when we really had not listened or had been really naughty only remember well 1 incident but that was because my siter said it was me when it was her.... now that's all forgiven, like any discipline whether shouting smacking grounding sent to room etc. it depends on parental attitude no doubt some may say theier parent was abusive because they sent them to bedroom when it was mum that was angry
I do not think kids resent punishment that is fair, they know it was deserved and consistent within family, kids resent unfairness most like a sibling getting away with stuff or being allowed to do something on sunday then on tuesday its bad
in conclusion i do not think being smacked was abusive at all I think being put down humiliated by words can be much worse,
my DD at 11 months is too young but dont know when she is older if she really plays up repeatedly whther I will smack or not maybe as last resort but I do not want DD to be the unruly unkind brat that is a bully and everyone thinks is badly behaved because i'm too scared to discipline

I was smacked as a child, but only in anger when I had thoroughly wound my parents up.

I don't see it as abuse, but I might have done if they did it in a sinister, calm, 'we are punishing you because we love you' sort of way. Bizarrely, this is the way that most modern apolgists for smacking children excuse themselves, but I think it's creepy and weird (if you are so bloody calm, use another for of intervention/punishment).

I don't feel at all abused in my circumstances, but I wont be smacking my children as I don't think it's necessary or sends a very good message.

I was given a quick smack on the legs or bottom if I was really naughty and never considered that abusive.

I lived with my grandparents though after my mother died, and especially when a teenager, bad behaviour on our part led to "disappointment", a row between the 2 of them, leading to one of them storming out or retreating to their bedroom. Then it would be "look what YOU have done now". That was somehow much worse than a quick smack. And the bad feeling used to linger too.

My parents didn't smack. Having talked about it to my mum she remembers snapping and smacking me once, but it was a loss of control thing and not something she wanted to do.

I also don't smack, although have come very close to it sometimes, and sometimes shout more than I want to. I don't want DS or DD to hit other people so I don't think it is fair for me to hit them. Hitting people who are so much smaller than me, and who rely on me for everthing I think would be abusive (they are 4yrs and nearly 2 yrs)

I was smacked a lot when I was a child but it was (I think) considered normal in France. It happened very regurlarly with my dad but not so much with my mum. My dad was not very well in his head and had a short temper. The last smack I got was when I was 16 because I came back too late or I wanted to go out but he didnt want me too, I cant remember.

I still see my dad, not a lot as I live in England and money is tight. Our relationship is good, I love him because he can be really nice and toughtfull and he is also a great grandfather BUT over the years we had arguments and at time I felt he felt he wanted to hit me and I have felt the same, I was not a vulnerable child anymore so I could give back.

I also got hit by my teacher in CM2 (the equivalent of year 6), he called me to the black board and I couldnt resolve the math problem. To this day,I'm still shit in Math .

I'll say I got abused by my father as he had no right to take out on me (or my brothers) this way. Sometimes it was unfair, sometimes maybe justified I dont know.

I have tried to speak to him/my mum about this but they really dont get where I 'm coming from so I have moved on maybe with and heavy baggage but I had to move on.

For people who were smacked - was it just literally a smack or did it also often involve being being dragged distances (ie down stairs or from one room to another) by hair/clothes? Does this also cross into abuse?

A smack is being hit. Lets not dress it up. It's about losing control and intimidation. I've had it done to me and I've done it and I hate it.

I was smacked occasionally, by both parents, when I was really naughty. It was done quickly, once, on the bottom, and after I'd been told to stop it several times.

No build up or threats, no dragging (as bint described - ugh), no implements, no repeated hitting or loss of control, no injury beyond a stinging sensation. All of those things would be very different in my eyes.

I do not consider it was at all abusive. I had and have very loving, fair parents who I was never scared of.

I would much rather have been smacked than been put in the corner or on the naughty step or sent to my room. I would have found all of those really upsetting. A smack was over quickly and then we usually made up with a hug and a "sorry" from both.

So no, not all smacking is abusive. But it sounds like the OP's may have been.

i was smacked on the legs. maybe twice in my childhood

i was given a backhanded slap across the face when i was about 14. She bust my nose, i can't remember why, i can just remember that i was a painfully good quiet shy type of kid - so can't imagine that the response was proortionate to the crime.

on the whole my mother was fine until i became a teenager, then she became a reclusive paranoid nutjob

a slap is what ist is.

being dragged, kicked punched etc - its a different ball game imo.

although i'm not defending smacking, i just thin its fucking insane to class it the same as kicking or punching or belting, or dragging by the hair or whacking with a stick etc...

don't know why these threads always go that way.