so................... do you have a child rearing philosophy then?

[zippitippitoes]

It's something I've never considered, so I've muddled through on a bunch of rationales gained from my own experience of life, things I've read..not particularly child care manuals...and no research papers that I can think of at the moment..did some education theory and psychology study at one time but not for the purpose of working out how to raise my kids...

So, do you have subjective opinions about child rearing or have you got evidence you are doing things right?

Kama

it's interesting what you say about your parents and empty threats/horrific teenager

So they kind of didn't get things right for you but you overcame their deficiencies eventually

Would you have been a better teenager if they had adopted your parenting approach

or would it have made no difference

or made you a better teenager and a worse parent

can you know the answer?

Second children are almost invariably laid back, and we can't help but parent them differently because we already have a child taking our attention.
You seem to have turned out ok - if I was your mother, that's what I'd tell myself anyway!

Sometimes it is the first child that has to become laid back, if the second child is extremely demanding.

We finally got to the bottom of some of my own "issues", in particular my inability to ask for help/suppression of my own "needs"/desire to keep the peace by wanting what the others are wanting, when we worked out that that is what I had done throughout my childhood. My brother, a year and a half younger than me was extremely demanding, so I "learnt" to be the good wee daughter, who didn't cause her mummy any problems.

Gosh, an interesting thread! I don't have any sort of philosophy for raising my family, it never crossed my mind as such concepts didn't exist when I first became a mum in 1975. But from what I've read in recent years I veer towards attachment parenting and I suppose my aims have been to keep things peaceful and for everyone to be happy, not really features of my childhood.

I don't think the way we raise children actually makes them laidback or otherwise, but it does have an effect on how they deal with their own personality and handle, say, shyness or nervousness. My first was v laidback so I had a big shock when no2 came along as he was highly strung and much more difficult to handle. I was proabbaly a more tense mother, too, as I'd been in blissful ignorance with ds1 but had learnt about the pitfalls by the time I had ds2. Dd1 is also laidback and calm while dd2 is, as my mum says, 'like a coiled spring' and has def been the most challenging child of my four!

Who's to say what success is in life? but I hope dh and I have made a decent fist of it so far. Ds1 is happily married, studying for a PhD and having lots of different experiences in life. Ds2 has overcome severe asthma, lived in a third world country, has a lovely girlfriend and is also doing a PhD. Dd1 is about to start uni, has a steady boyfriend and is very positive about getting out into the world and living away from home. Dd2 - well, she's only 9 so the jury's still out. The other three say all our chickens will come home to roost with her, but hey, dh and I'll be to old to care, lol!

I don't have a bloody clue and I have 4 kids I have learnt that they are all different and what works for one doesn't work for another so I just muddle through

I think there's also short term pain for long term gain

Mrs DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy is also on my list of mentors (at least the version in my head probably go and read it and find it's completely unacceptable in some way)

And I've always believed in a couple of sayings from Enid Blyton..never let the Sun Go Down On Your Wrath and As long as there's enough blue sky to make a sailor a pair of trousers

My theory is to always make sure I have looked after myself...just a little.
The reasoning behind this is that if I were to fall to pieces through illness, exhaustion, depression etc etc, the ones who it would affect the most are the children.
Other than that, its a wing and a prayer!

Absolutely being an adult is important bugsy. Possibly the most important thing. How much respect did anyone have for teachers who pretended to be one of the kids? And I agree Nell that doing something for you important too. Recently re-started exercising which has given me renewed energy and strength so that I can be in a good mood. Good mood + children = easy. Bad mood + children = very hard indeed.

The nature/nurture debate is very interesting. I have to say I think it's a mixture of the child's personality, the parenting and the social environment they are in. E.g. children brought up with less money than is normal for their social group will either resent their parents/general society, or accept it and be grateful for what they do have. I think most of that scenario is to do with the parenting, but some of it is down to personality. If you go further affield and look at European children or even children worldwide, they will all behave differently when faced with the same circumstances.

My own three children have the same upbringing yet are completely different, ds1 needs a lot of attention, dd is very affectionate and needs more cuddles etc, ds2 is happy playing alone...

I didn't really have a philosphy on parenting as such, but on thinking, I have realised:

• I think some sort of routine is important, but not strictly. E.g. bedtime 8pm unless we are out past then, or away on holiday or whatever.
• I am quite laid-back and have been told so, I do think time alone is necessary for children's development, as is talking to them, reading, having fun together, ensuring they mix with their peers
• I think emotional skills far outweigh academic ones in terms of importance. I don't use the word 'naughty' in my house as I think it's a label which is quite negative and teaches children nothing, my children have a 'thinking chair' where they go when they are 'naughty' to think about the consequences of their actions on other people or themselves
• That means they are allowed to do anything they want to as long as it harms neither themselves or other people. Drawing on the wall, or biting someone are actions they need to 'think' about, but not eating all their meals isn't
• Good behaviour is more important than bad so is rewarded, by cuddles, stories, watching a film, going to the park, sweets or a present, depending on the action and the timescale (the pasta jar looks very interesting btw, I am going to use that I think)

I also take into account what I think worked with my own parents parenting, which is much of it, but also what didn't.

Of course I would love my children to do well for themselves, having good careers, lots of money etc, but would much prefer they grow up to care about themselves and other people, and to be happy, even that means they have no aspirations other than to be a cleaner for the rest of their lives.

I usually think of child-rearing philosophies as a bit like slimming diets - they're short term fads which don't address the real issues in the long term.

I remember in the 70's when I had dd1 that there was a big movement towards not letting your children have gender-specific toys. Boys were supposed to play with dolls and girls were supposed tp play with traditional boys toys - all in the name of feminism, equality and the concept of the new man.

Of course it was tosh and I didn't buy into it.

It's a long thread and I haven't read it at all but I think my philosophy (which isn't robust enough to deserve the name philosophy) is that if you love them a lot and tell them and show them that you love them plus teach them what's right and wrong and let them have plenty of fun and play and laughs along with enough exercise, good food, fresh air and sleep then they'll probably be ok. I also want my children to know they can talk to me about anything - I could talk to my dad about anything and I want my children to feel the same way about me.

I completely agree with wickedwaterwitch.........also some imaginary friends seem like a good idea aswell. I had a dragon and my DD1 has a purple mouse

I too think Mister Larkin got it right.

Me, my main philosophy is to try and make sure they're happy about being themselves, in a culture which tells them they should be thin/pretty/winsome.

I tend to operate on the basis I am doing a pretty bad job, really

I'm just trying to keep mine safe and happy and well-fed until she's old enough to look after herself

and her old ma

Message withdrawn

Mine is the "they will learn" philosophy

They will learn to use the toilet
They will learn to say please
They will learn to eat veggies

I have avoided unneccessary stress by refusing to wonder when.

I think I have several anti-philosophies really. I watched my aunt and big sister do the whole demand thing, and was horrifed at how absolutely knackered they were a lot of the time, and then how their moods swang. I think consistency is important, so I have gone for the old fashioned routine and discipline thing. I think it works, and looking at most of the families I know, but not all of them, it seems a pretty successful strategy.

Much of my views are shaped by my parents approach - both the bits that I think worked (routine, family centred days, encouraging independance) and those that didn't (I make sure that I give my children lots of cuddles, tell them I love them, give them clothes they like to wear, try not to be too judgemental). Also bits that have come from dh's side, like being an actively involved dad, not getting hung up on eating the "right" food all the time, and the importance of having fun. I also recognise the Philp Larkin thing, and when I was having a lot of counselling a while back, wondered if my two children would one day be telling someone all about how I had damaged them. I suspect it's inevitable really, but I will do my best to make them feel loved and supported and masters of their own destiny.

I suppose I fall into the attachment parenting camp - extended b/feeding, always feeding on demand (when they were small), co-sleeping, using a sling ...

it's what I felt I had to do, it just felt right for me and my children - and for dh, which is very important!

I have read NO books. If my girls are happy then I know I am doing ok. And they are, so I will carry on doing what I am doing.

lifes not fair get over it and get a job! is my philosophy for kids over the age of 10.

Try not to totally screw up