so................... do you have a child rearing philosophy then?

[zippitippitoes]

It's something I've never considered, so I've muddled through on a bunch of rationales gained from my own experience of life, things I've read..not particularly child care manuals...and no research papers that I can think of at the moment..did some education theory and psychology study at one time but not for the purpose of working out how to raise my kids...

So, do you have subjective opinions about child rearing or have you got evidence you are doing things right?

Perhaps someone can answer that while i have a shower

It's lunchtime and i haven't started work [disgusted with myself emoticon]

I believe in least-effort parenting.

For instance, I knew that in the long run, breastfeeding would be less effort for me, even though it was really hard in the first six weeks, so I worked really hard at it.

I know that having a child who is well-behaved is less effort than having an unruly one (although I do love the word "unruly"), therefore I am prepared to put heaps of effort into ensuring DS knows what manners are, etc. Much easier in the long run.

And I have a sense of humour about things. Makes it easier.

my philosophy is trial and error. If one thing doesn't work it's okay because I can try another thing the next day. Life doesn't have to be all about strict rules etc you can make some of it up as you go along

Compo, yes - had forgotten that it also fits in with my life philosophy...blag it

ah yes, make it up as you go along

I found when my son was born that I wanted to do various things, and that some of them were very different to how I thought I would want to do them before he was born. They were also very different to what virtually everyone I knew was doing, and to virtually every book on baby care I had read.

I had no evidence that my way of doing things was right, but felt instinctively it was the best - for me the only - way to go. Feeling out on a limb made me unhappy until I searched out and found books and experts who agreed with me. Now I have the evidence to back up my instincts and can state my case instead of just saying "Well I feel it's right."

I think it's sad that I needed the reassurance of experts to tell me what I was doing was ok. I think society is very hard on mothers of babies, especially those who don't seem to conform to the current fashionable theories of child rearing. I think unless we can see direct evidence that a child is being harmed we should all respect each others' differences and mind our own ruddy business. And I think that even more after some of the things I have read on here in the last 2 days!

agree with the "don't sweat the small stuff" philosophy. It took me a little while to realise it but it certainly makes it all a lot less stressful

haven't read this one so apologies if repeating, can I ask this:

Are we all that different? I mean if you really think about it, we all (MN population)care for our children, put their needs first in a healthy way (for the most part) and in general parenting is our number one job (doesn't matter if we work full time or are SAHM's).

I don't have a philosophy, I just muddle through and try to get it right.

I think we are not different in our aims but there are big differences in our methods

and once you get past the Miss World aspect

our philosophies

I also don't always practice what i preach
so my children are not always happy and sometimes

I don't care as they don't deserve to be

but i wouldn't say that on here

Actually, I've jsut re-read zippitippitoes original question and realsied I didn't answer it.

My opinions/philosophy (posted at 10.06) are purely subjective and instinctive. I have no eveidence that I am doing things right - barring the fact that we seem to have rasied a happy and confident 5 year old - albeit one who is goignt through the odd - but fruitless - tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants).

Many of the things I do, however, are based on watching how my best friend has raised 4 extremely confident and likeable children. She has also infleunced me in my attitude towrds stair gates. Plus the example set by my parents, who I don't think did too bad a job.

I have read a few parenting books - but tend to choose the ones that are in tune with my philosophy. Hence I enjoyed Toddler Taming - and even made use of the "rope trick" to keep ds in his room at night. I picked and chose form what I agreed with in "Raising Boys" (I think dh got more out of that one than I did).

Some of my views are controversial - I do for example beleive in smacking on certain occasion - but only when ds was much younger. But we can then get in to the debate about what constitutes a smack - my denfition is a light tap on the hand, that shocks but doesn't hurt. And like Bloss, no amount of arguing with me is going to change my opinion about what works for me, my parenting style and my son.

We do also use the naughty step (or the hallway), but now more often use the pasta jar - learnt from Mumsnet

I am also determined to let ds walk to school* on his own, as soon as we can, maybe even as early as Primary 2. I agree with a lot of what was said in "Paranoid Parenting", where is is the perception of dnager othat has chnaged, not the actuality and how we have destroyed parents abilities in their own skills and judgement. However, I do think (as someone on here said) that Frank Furedi could have done with a better editor, who should have helped refine his arguments - and put in more supporting information (says I contradicting my own argument - but whoever said we need be consistent 100% of the time ?!)

I think we all adapt our philosphy according to how much sleep we've had the night before and how late we're running.

And also on our children themselves. What we all have in common it seems to me, is that we tailor our approach to what works for our individual children and our family circumstances - and then we choose the philosophy that fits in with that!

Does muddling through and trying to be kind count?
I also agree with all those who say their experience of parenting depends on their child. Different children require different approaches and most parents go with that. If you try to enforce your philosophy on a child when it doesn't suit them, I think that's asking for trouble.

One thing i would like to see research on is

how to make a child who thrives on routine more flexible so that holidays, evenings out, staying with another family is less miserable

Why are some children the sleep/eat/play anywhere types and others not?

Is it in built to be adaptable or is it environmental/upbringing

In other words people whjo have these laid back children is it because of their skill as parents or is it luck.
The parents always seem to think it is skill.

Yes, there is a tendency to think that we have made our children the way they are, but I really think a lot of it is just the way they were born to be.

Children can smell fear.

No philospohy as such but I always keep that thought in the back of my mind

oh so true caligula.

Having a philosophy doens't mean you necessarily apply it - I don't even know if Socrates HAD children. I know when I am being the kind of mum I want to be, and it's usually for 5 minutes at 3 pm on a Monday.

I know I can't ever be as good a parent as my mother. That's a depressing thought, but at least I can try not to make the 2 mistakes I think she made with me, and otherwise get her to look after ds as much as possible

So I guess my philosophy is GGI - Get Granny In. And serious respect to anybody who has to do without.

I think when they have tantrums, whinge and are obstinate, embarrassing and a pita, it's their character and nothing whatsoever to do with me.

When they're polite, charming, clean, tidy and sweet, it's obviously the skillful parenting!

In fact that is maybe where some of these parenting "debates" set off on a false premise

Child a is a total pig unless he goes to bed at 6.30 in his cot at home with the curtains shut and the door open

Child b is out in the garden until 9.00pm while parents are lolling in deckchair having a drink

2 families collide at some point and all hell breaks loose

or you have more than one child and discover life is completely incompatible between you all

and in fact you are a crap parent

I agree with aloha and caligula. it does very much depned on the child.

We often say we don't where ds gets his lovely temraoment, as we (dh and I that is) are neither of us the "easiest" of people. Now was it our relaxed parenting style (read, "us ignoring him")or his inherent temperament that made him that way? Having said, ds is starting to demonstrate the odd "thrawn" (Scottish for stubborn/obstinate) characteristic.

Dh and I have often said that if we have another one, then we will need to ahve signs up in every room saing "Remember they are all different!!!!!!" as ds was such an easy baby.

We are also dreading when he becomes a teenager, as I am sure our "mistakes" will come back to haunt us!

Never get complacent. You're probably just minutes away from the next crisis.

today I am confrônted by the harsh reality that my house is a mess and kids have been far too creative and expressive over the summer hols so perhpaps I should re think my philosphy or prepare to be enslaved to them for evermore

I must be a crap parent then.

DD all sweetness and light, sleeps from 8.30 until 9.30 and also has 2-3 hours during the day. She has done since birth

DS cute smile and dimples fed continuously for about 2 months, slept for only 2 hours at a time and is still waking on average 2-3 times a night for more food. No matter how much nosh we cram into him, he's always got room for another bit.

I'm not treating my two kids any differently - they are just different! We are all different. Perhaps one will grow up to discover a cure for cancer, perhaps the other will fall into bad habits (heaven forbid) and end up in prison but I will have done my best.

Interesting thread. Don't really have a philosophy but I do try to be consistent with my children. If I say something I try to mean it and carry out what I've said, be that pleasurable or otherwise!
I also believe that my children need me to be the adult. I make the rules and I run the house. I am not a dictator and will consider their requests, suggestions, demands etc but I am the grown up and think that as small children they have to understand that what I say, is what will happen.
Sounds very tough, but in actual fact I have very few rules and I am careful to pick my fights. Hate nagging, in fact I always think if I have had to say something more than twice, I have failed!