My grandad had bipolar and I have always known I was different, sometimes I thought I was special, sometimes I thought I was normal and sometimes I thought I was evil and here to hurt evil men.
I have often had periods of time as a teenager where I felt so high I felt I could do anything even fly. if I was in a relationship I felt trapped like I was meant to be free and I would go out and do some pretty horrid things. But what made me feel worst of all was I liked feeling this way I liked sleeping with numerous people regardless to whether I was in a relationship, it made me feel alive. I can also be sitting down sometimes and I am looking at someone and I just want to hit them. I feel stronger, special, like all the shit that has happened has happened because I am special. I feel less pain, I don't need to sleep or eat. I see things other people cant like ghosts, or dogs, sometimes I laugh at stupid moments like a funeral.
Then at other times I feel so low like everyone hates me, like I am horrible and everyone is judging me I feel guilty and worthless. No one cares about me and I don't think they should I don't eat when I feel like this because I want to hurt myself I scream and cry until I am shaking and sick, I hate parts of me and I want to take a knife and cut away the infected parts, I cut myself to see me bleed and I hit things to try to feel something other than crying. I pull away from people who love me I run away and hide because I cant stand the thought of them touching me it feels like spiders crawling over my skin.
Then I feel normal, I am confused because sometimes I had a reason to feel bad sometimes I don't nothing happens I just feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I have been so high or so low I have been bouncing off the walls and there is nothing left I stare out non responsive and I feel nothing.
I am 22 years old I have two Dc I have felt this way since I was about 13. My friends always leave because my friends cant take the cold and they get embarrassed by the things I sometimes do. I have never told anyone how I feel because in my heart I know there is something wrong but I just want to be a nice person.
I had a very different experience this past week for months I have been losing interest and feeling bored and unable to concentrate last Wednesday I saw a ghost, I inexplicably felt a urge to go out i felt trapped like the walls were closing in I had to get out, So I went out and I lost control I slept with numerous people and I just wanted to hit people. I felt angry at my partner I felt he was holding me back I hated him he was stopping my fun. But what was different this time was instead of staying high I kept flicking between feeling better than ever and lower than ever. I found it hard to deal because one minute I could feel great and then I could hate myself. I experienced both symtoms. I felt full of life and like I needed to sleep but I had to get out, and then I would feel in physical agony so tired and collapse to the floor.
As I type this I feel nothing not even guilt over what I have done that will come later. My mum wants to get me seen to but I am scared I feel like this is who I am, and without the highs I am nothing. I am also scared my partner will leave me and take my DC if I am diagnosed as being Bipolar. I am not sure if I am tired or if my emotions have run out. I know this is very long I don't expect anyone to read this but I had to put my feelings down.