Angry rant about feeding 2yo DD, so fucking fed up

[titferbrains]

GRRRRR

have just done energetic mopping of kitchen floor to get rid of rage but am still angry and fed up.

DD had illness as a baby, so I had a lot of anxiety around feeding her, making sure she was full, being judged by others who saw her "eat" and her weight during illness and recovery.

My problem is I don't know how to let go of my anxiety about her not eating enough - FOR ME. I have read all about this and I know that she should dictate how much and when and that all I do is provide the food but I am no good at it.

She has eaten a few bites of fish pie with extra milk and sweetcorn mixed in, and then one raspberry covered in creme fraiche.

My other issue is that I HATE waste and so I struggle with throwing away so much. Feeding children is just a monstrous waste of money, food, effort, calories, produce. I love my DD so much but this aspect of parenting is totally maddening. We visited a family this summer whose 9 month old child eat more and faster than my 2 year old daughter.

I just need to get over this and I do not know how.

Please hug or slap me about the chops and tell me to get a hold of myself.

Buy some saucers from a car boot or charity shop.

Those tiny little plates are perfectly sized for her meals. Serve her food onto those.

Also she has just got another cold and this one is with a bad cough. Everyone talks about "cutting out dairy" when their kids have colds but what the fuck do you replace milk with? She refuses to eat cheese, bread and is only occasionally interested in yogurt.

I can't keep giving her dried apricots or more fucking blueberries to keep her full!

And I hate the fact that children seem to be offered pasta and tomato sauce as the fall back meal. I am a complete foodie and I don't see why she should have boring food.

God I am just having one of those moments of pure frustration, I know I sound ridiculous.

But really, how do you keep them happy and not whiningly hungry when they have colds and you don't want to give milk? She normally has 250ml of milk in the evning and loves it.

Dont put out more than you know she will eat, you can always giver her more food if she wants it.

here have a

I recently revised the amounts I give her and try to only give enough to cover the bottom of a baby bowl eg a tommy tippee bowl.

wondering more how to get over my issues not hers.

Six small meals a day, rather than three larger ones? Or offer plenty of snacks between meals? Get her to help you decorate cakes/biscuits or make bread etc. Let her see you enjoying food - eat with her and show her it is fun to eat a variety of foods.

Hope this helps.

In all seriousness perhaps you should see a counsellor to see if there is something driving your extreme frustration over the issue. Why is it still upsetting you so much etc?

repeat the mantra 'she'll eat if she's hungry, she'll eat if she's hungry...' over and over in your head, this is what stops me force-feeding DD when she's being fussy!

Also try bribery - 'you can have ice cream for pudding if you eat some of this'
Or what works with DD is 'I want you to have X no. of mouthfuls before you get down' and count them with her.

Never heard about avoiding dairy with a cold btw, and also don't see the harm in pasta, you can hide a lot of veggies in a home made pasta sauce!

She ate fishpie? And sweetcorn? Oh, and she eats pasta? AND pasta sauce?? My 2yo DS wouldn't touch any of that. (Sigh)

And Believe me, there are much fussier LOs out there than my DS.

The cutting out milk thing is mostly nonsense; it's based on superstition that mucus resembles milk and cheese, ergo milk/cheese must cause mucus production. Some kids have digestive or immune system problems exacerbated by milk products, but it's quite unusual.

her weight or appatite is no indication of your value as a parent.

remind yourself of this at every mealtime.

You are responsibile for providing the food. SHE is responsible for putting it in her mouth. If she doesn't do this, you cannot and should not make her.

As well as the good advice above, add the chant "Appetite kicks in at 3 and a half. Appetite kicks in at 3 and a half."

Ds1 was an appalling eater (plus had a dairy allergy to stress me) and was/is v. small. The change at 3.5 was amazing - still not a big eater but at least he eats.

How is your dd weight now? If it is fine then keep telling yourself that she IS getting enough to eat (even if it wouldn't apparently keep a sparrow alive).

Forgot to add - have a couple of friends with similarly not-eating children who also noticed a marked improvement in their 3rd year, so this optimism is not based solely on my own son.

My DD is very similar. I would swear she doesn't eat enough to keep a small grasshopper alive. BUT she also spends all day running around and seems to weigh more each time I pick her up. I just assume she has a super-efficient metabolism or something. Is your DD healthy and growing ok? If so I would try to focus on that as much as possible.

What is more important, that your dd eats a large meal acceptable to a 'foodie' or that she grows up without food anxiety?

Make her pasta and tomato sauce for goodness sake! Let her eat with her fingers if she wants to. Stop hovering anxiously. Listen to some music together or tell her a story while she eats to take your focus off her eating.

Make food in bulk but freeze in small portions, so that you don't have to go through the frustrating routine of preparing a meal each time, only to throw it in the bin.

Take a deep breath, your daughter is no longer ill (I hope?) and all will be well.

2 year olds don't eat that much

look at her fists that's the size of her stomach so about 3 spoonfulls and she's full

they also eat sporadically so whilst one day they'll eat what seems to be a normal meal that'll be it for the next 3 or 4 days when they'll graze

that is normal

Good grief - no milk if they've got a cold! I've never heard that either and it is always such a good standby - at least you know they're getting that and protein too. And it's such a comfort when they're poorly.

So point 1 - give milk!

With respect to it being your issue, well yes it may be. BUT ime getting food into them feels like such an instinct. Go easy on yourself. If you can just manage not to blow up and make meal times a battle ground then you'll be doing better than many others.

Don't watch her eat. Don't even sit at the table with her unless you are also eating. Be pottering nearby rather.

Very true that appetite kicks in at three and a half, my dd has markedly improved since turning three.

Also, nothing wrong with pasta and sauce. Everything in moderation.

Serve small amounts and offer more. Small children are intimidated by large servings.

Sounds like DN - his first words were 'more berries' and 'more vegetables'. Won't eat stodge. Clearly healthy if skinny.

What I do which helps stop me worrying about waste is leaving bowls of food (usually those little plastic ones from the 99p shop) around for the rest of the day, and putting some in the fridge for the next day. It's amazing what disappears when I leave ds and some food alone while I do something else.
And meals appear up to 3 times until either I eat it myself or compost it (see! Not waste!) When cooking for me and MrNC I try to ensure there's some for ds to have later.

When he was really fussy a couple months ago I ended up going 'Fine! Don't eat then, but I'm having {whatever}!' Half the time he'd end up nicking my lunch, even the rogan josh and the saag paneer.

I figure any child getting half a pint of milk of an evening isn't going to starve. He does eat more now he's on semi-skimmed actually - maybe the whole milk was too filling?

Hope you can have a fun mealtime soon.

Dairy products do increase mucus production - marginally! (It's why opera singers avoid dairy because it clogs up the throat a little.) But the benefits FAR outweigh the downside.

If you really hate throwing food away, I can strongly recommend a wormery! You can't put processed food on to a compost heap but you can put everything in a wormery and it all gets digested into seriously good plant food. No waste!

i don't do the no dairy for a cold thing. nope.

and what is this waste? can you give her food yu would be eating? then you'd eat what's left. make yourself something and give her a tiny bit of it.

what did she eat yesterday?

I know I've often felt angry and fed up when DD (1yo) didn't eat the lovely food I'd prepared for her. I hate cooking so it was a real effort to find a baby recipe and then cook it for DD. I felt really guilty if I fed DD a jar or something random from the cupboard.

However, we really enjoy mealtimes now. DD doesn't always eat much but simple foods feature highly for us. Pasta & sauce or rice & sauce are helpful as are frozen veggies or mash potato. Often she'll have the same as us (limited waste and effort) or a random mix of things. DD just loves feeding herself so pasta & rice are ideal. She sometimes has some strange combinations and I tailor what I give her on her mood (eating lots or taking two bites and throwing on the floor!)

Maybe you could look at what you/DH eat in the evening and tweak it for your DD too. That way, you can serve up a small portion and eat the rest later. TBH, if you're a foodie who loves cooking, there's no need for pasta & sauce to be boring. Make a big batch of exciting sauce and just re-heat with pasta... easy.

Third the appetite kicks in at 3 thing.
DD was born small and stayed small (0.4th centile or sometimes off chart) and she had a dairy allergy til 18 months. We had to see dieticians so I understand your anxiety. I used to worry a lot about it but in the end I gave up and we were all happier.
I used to cajole and bribe and get cross but now (she's 3) I feed her exactly what DH and I are having and I leave her to it. I ignore any whinging and remove uneaten food without comment. I only serve very small portions to avoid the waste problem and she can ask for more if she wants.
Sometimes other people raise their eyebrows at her non-eating or try to interfere with helpful comments but I try just to seethe quietly.
Miraculously she has started to eat a lot better since about age 3 although we still have complete failures sometimes. She is certainly average height and was 25th percentile for weight a few months ago. She is developing normally, smily, happy and very healthy.
I think you know that you do just have to let go of it. You really cannot force them and if you try to everyone gets stressed and less food gets eaten!

Oh yes the other thing that helped and might be right down your street as a foodie is letting them help cook even if only stirring or arranging veg on a homemade pizza. DD started eating peppers that way.

FGS give her some milk if that's what she wants. I've NEVER stopped milk when my DCs have had colds - all four of them are alive and well. You have enough to deal with without throwing in another source of stress.

Is the HV worried about her weight? Is she a low centile? Are there actual grounds for concern now or is this just historical concern, IYSWIM?

If the latter, while I can understand how hard it must be to be more laid back, you have to at least pretend to be laid back. Your anger and stress won't have passed your DD by - on some level she'll be picking up on it. And if pasta and tomato sauce make her relaxed and happy then sod your foodie principles - she'll develop her tastes as she gets older. There's no rush.

I agree with you completely that feeding young children can be the most frustrating thing ever, but you do need to try and step back and relax and not let it wind you up. Keep reminding yourself:

2 year olds are much more interested in playing than eating. They also usually LIKE boring food. My DS1 only ate about 10 different food types until he was 3.5 (I hadn't heard the appetite at 3.5 thing before but sounds about right to me). It drove me crazy but ultimately you can't make them eat what you want them to so you have no choice!

Comfort yourself with the range of food she consumes and with the healthy stuff that includes - for me it was Weetabix for breakfast every day, yoghurt and lots of fruit - offsetting the fact that he would only eat protein if it came wrapped in breadcrumbs...and refused cheese, pasta, rice etc etc.

It is amazing how little 2 yo's can thrive on and if you are offering plenty of food and is healthy she will be fine. Carry on giving milk!

As Hassled said, children also are v good at sensing issues that press your buttons and exploiting them for attention or pure entertainment...you may well find if you can be convincingly laid back about what she consumes then she will start eating better.

Lastly, don't compare 9mo eating with 2yo - the 9mo is discovering food and has no idea of the opportunities to play rather than eat and make mummy cross by not eating dinner. I know lots of kids who were fantastic eaters at 9m and turned into the pickiest of picky after 1yo .

FWIW DS1 is now a great eater and will try most things, and eat well. It helped us when he was old enough to bribe in order to get him to taste new things and he found he liked a lot of them !

Don't stop the milk unless you think she has a problem with dairy generally.

DS can't tolerate cows milk (is fine with goats milk) and has had fewer chesty coughs/ colds and sleeps better since we stopped giving it to him but that's just him. I don't see why children who are fine with dairy shouldn't continue to have it when poorly. Especially when their appetites are shot anyway.

DS is a really fussy eater and me and DH are chefs- how embarrassing is that? He mainly eats weetabix, bananas and pasta. I hate that he won't even try new things- he doesn't even like chips FGS! We took the decision a while back not to intervene with his eating at all, it's the only way to cope. We give him the same food as we're having and he either eats or he doesn't. If it's not pasta, he generally doesn't. Every time we try to negotiate with him to eat more it ends in disaster so I try not to pay any attention to it. It is hard though, you want them to eat, and to enjoy it.

I try to think of his taste in food like his taste in music. Bland, monotonous, repetitive etc. But he's only 2 so fair fucks really.